sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 My partner has left me and I am devistated, we have had our problems in the past but this time it seems so final. She has moved in with a friend who is feeding her with the wrong support she needs at the moment. I know she still loves me but says she cant continue like this. I think if there is still love there is a chance but she is refusing to even talk to me. She needs to be around more caring people and not this group of single women who are all telling her she is doing the right thing. We have been a special couple who have gone through some major upsets in our time together (Loss of a son, etc) but we always pulled through, always stronger than before. I am lost without this woman in my life. After so many years I still love her so much and still have a strong desire for her. Just to see her walk in the door after work brightens my day. To hold her, to cuddle up on the couch and watch tv together all the small things that just made us so happy together. Her reasons for leaving are understandable but over exagerated, I am controlling etc. I care for her and I come across as being over protective, but I let her go out with the girls etc. I feel we both need some sort of counsilling but she is refusing that. (I asked the only time she has spoke to me) If anyone has the magic cure please let me know, I am so lost without her, she is my life, without her I dont exist. It has only been 4-5 days but it seems so final. I hear that she is telling everyone that fact including our 13 year old son.
cal gal Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 not to pry - but are you male or female? just trying to assess the dynamics of your relationship, and it reads like you might also be a woman? this MAY have a bearing on the situation with her friends involved...
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 I am male, guess I am a bit emotional at the moment.
cal gal Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 If she won't do counseling with you, then go alone, at least for now. You need to take a firm stand with her. Sounds like maybe you are allowing her to walk all over you. go to marriagebuilders.com and get some ideas that will apply to you and help you move in a positive direction. Be strong, and keep posting - a lot of nice folks are here to help you.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 Thanx, I will look at that site now, I live in a small area (east coast australia) and am having trouble finding a local counselor but will continue searching.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 I have tried being firm and get accused of emotional abuse. The negativity she is surrounding herself with is no help and I know the advice she is getting is all "leave him and dont go back" she is not getting the proper support she needs. I have heard she is very upset with her decision but is being convinced to not back down.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 No contact is killing me and I dont want to be ringing her like an idiot. The only times I have tried to ring her was if it was something concerning our son, he is staying with me but she refuses to answer. Its friday night and I have found a counseling service but I cant call them until monday now.
lindya Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I have tried being firm and get accused of emotional abuse. The negativity she is surrounding herself with is no help and I know the advice she is getting is all "leave him and dont go back" she is not getting the proper support she needs. I have heard she is very upset with her decision but is being convinced to not back down. I really feel for you. I'm sure it feels horrific and frustrating to be trying to save a relationship, knowing that other people who may not have your partner's best interests at heart are sabotaging your efforts. I think that sort of situation can leave a person feeling incredibly powerless. It sounds as if she's surrounded by people who are encouraging her to view the relationship as being one in which you are overly controlling. Maybe you are, or perhaps it's simply that your partner elicits protective feelings in others. With protective feelings often comes an assumption that the person "in need of protection" is constantly dominated and bullied by others. Often the "protectors" are, in their own way, being quite domineering - can't quite see it in themselves, but are swift to see it in others. I'm building up a picture here that could be quite wrong, but in any event I think it would probably be wise for you to refrain from telling your partner that she's getting advice from the wrong people right now. If those people are telling her that you're a control freak, you're just going to play right into their hands by saying that. Also, there's the point that she's a grown woman who has actively chosen to get support from these people - knowing, I'm sure, what form that support would take and the sort of messages (about you) that it would contain. What was the trigger for your wife leaving? Was there any physical or verbal abuse involved on either side...eg hitting, shouting, swearing, belittling language, attempts to ridicule or humiliate? It's not easy to disclose personal things on a message board. Depending on the circumstances, some people might judge and criticise you at a point when you feel least able to deal with it. Overall, however, posters here are pretty considered in the advice they give...and I think you'll get the most useful advice if you're as honest as you can possibly be about what led up to your partner walking out. As an addendum, I'm desperately sorry to hear about your son....and can only imagine the strain something like that would put on two people and their relationship.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 Thank you 4 replying .. and you are so right in saying she is more controlling than I am. I control to the extent of letting her go out without me with no hassles. I ask as she walks in the door "how was your day? I let her visit friends without hassle. I worry over her when she is quiet and ask her if she is okay. I listen to her tell me how work is getting her down and she needs a break. I suggest she puts in for holidays and she replys that it is to busy at the moment. I dont complain if she asks me to take her to work or pick her up. She has lost her licence. As for the circumstances leading up to her leaving, the day before was my birthday and we had arranged to go for a picnic. She wasnt feeling well so we stayed home. most the day she spent sleeping on the couch. But no fights, nothing at all to tell me what was going to happen. The next morning I woke to her rummaging through things and asked her what she is doing. She said she is leaving and ran out the door to her waiting lift. One of the interfering girls she works with. The lift was arranged as per usual for work. I rang her an hour later and she just said she is not coming home ever. I thought it might blow over but where she went to is the major problem now. No contact so I cant even get a proper explanation beyond I am to controlling and will never change. I try to relax and hope it will just blow over but it seems so final. She has left for a few days before but we kept contact. We have been getting on so well before she left thios time, I know there is no one else involved. It is just this thing in her head that tells her I am a monster and that thought is being fed to grow even bigger.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 I will add, I am not allowed to go out without her, but I prefer goping out with her anyway, we always have fun together and always get compliments from others on how we look so good together/ made for each other and we even had another woman tell her "You can really see the love between you two."
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 Does all that explain why I am feeling so lost? I have been told she is feeling as upset as me. She is saying she loves me and our bond will never be broken no matter what, she just cant be with me. This is why counselling would help but how do you get someone to go if they refuse. Her so called friends are her counsellors.
Walk Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 You speak as though your wife had to ask your permission to go out. As if she were a child. When you say you "let her", or you "allowed" her, or "suggesting" she put in for vacation time. You "let" her visit with friends. It suggests that you have control over her activities. That she is allowed to do certain things but only through your approval. I know that couples normally check in with spouses about nights out and stuff, but it's supposed to be a way ensure that your spouse didn't have a problem he/she needed help with, or any other plans that you hadn't been aware of. Not to get permission to visit with friends, but to ensure your partner doesn't need your time and energy first. You seem to have the mind set that you graciously gave her some freedoms to go out with friends, without taking into consideration that she is an individual and has that right already. No matter how long the relationship, or marriage, the only reason for one partner to ask another if going out is alright, is to ensure that the partner is not in need of their time that night. You don't "let" or "give permission" for your partner to go out. You don't have that power, and I could see how after a while she would feel that it was controlling. It doesn't sound as if you are intending for your behaviors to be so controlling, but the way in which you word things, and your underlying view on being so generous in allowing her some basic freedoms seems to imply you have been controlling. From her view point you have been controlling. So her friends aren't telling her something she didn't feel already. It's not her friends making her stay, or mind controlling her into not wanting to be with you. She has a mind and can choose who she listens to. Right now, her friends are only telling her what she already believes is true. Those beliefs came from your actions. Get into counseling. You are being controlling even though I don't believe that is what you intend. An objective third party could point out your phrases and actions that are sending this signal. Show your partner that you are taking the steps needed to become a better partner to her, instead of discounting her problems. She has a brain, she's probably not stupid. Her choice to leave you stemmed from problems in the relationship. You can either accept her view as valid and address her concerns through getting yourself help. Or send her the message that you're not going to accept the fact that she is unhappy with your behavior, and tell her she's wrong.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 I agree with you thinking that on the way I worded things, she lets me know she is visiting friends etc .... I meant I never hassle her not to go somewhere ... not to do something unless it is something I strongly disagree with and the only thing I can think of recently was this paddock she wanted to put her horse in, it had no proper fencing and was only one strand of wire. The paddock was along side a very busy road. I put my foot down which upset her but she saw the sense when she thought about it.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 I have already said I am looking for counselling, your right that it is a start, I realise that.
Author sabre68 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 sorry for posting in short bursts. She doesnt often go out without me, it is usually a prearranged girls night out or something along those lines. She tells me about the event and I am fine with it. She is not the sort of person that likes to just go out for the sake of it unless we are together. If she feels like a night out she will say something and then we go. We go out for dinner once a week, sometimes more, friday nights are our night at the local club but these days can change depending on her or my feelings at the time, so it might be saturday out not friday etc.
Recommended Posts