Candied-Heart Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 1. How long after dating your partner did you[they] move in or find a place together? 2. How did you come about the arrangement. Was it suggested by one person or both? Did it just gradually happen without discussion? 3. How do you go about discussing living together, what are the do's and don'ts.. There has to be some! Thank you!! xx
AmItheOne Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 1. How long after dating your partner did you[they] move in or find a place together? 2. How did you come about the arrangement. Was it suggested by one person or both? Did it just gradually happen without discussion? 3. How do you go about discussing living together, what are the do's and don'ts.. There has to be some! Thank you!! xx I'm in no way an expert as the only time I have lived with a BF it ended not long after but... 1. we moved in together about 6 months after we started dating, we knew each other for about a year and a half before dating 2. we decided to move in together because he was in a military college but no longer had to live on campus and I was in college and my sister and I lived together and she was moving in with her boyfriend. Neither me or my boyfriend at the time could afford to live on our own so it just "seemed" like a good idea..hehe. We did go find "our" place instead of him just moving into my apt. 3. If you feel like you want to move in together then by all means bring it up...maybe as a generalization at first to get his feelings on the subject. As far as do's and don'ts...please, let me know, I don't want to screw up next time!!!
Author Candied-Heart Posted March 4, 2006 Author Posted March 4, 2006 Thanks! I was also wondering, perhaps you could answer this: What do you wish people had of warned/told you about before moving in? What do you know now that you didn't know then?
AmItheOne Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 hmmm...I think I would have liked to have known that it takes a lot of compromise to join two households. He was a military college guy, wasn't the neatest person. While I, on the other hand, was a single mom and very much a neat freak. I felt as though I now had two children a lot of the time. I think we definitely should have put our expectations out on the table before moving in together...we both went into it with blinders on, we found the cutest house and were going to have the cutest life . I think we did it more out of necessity than anything and I started to resent him. The experience did not ruin me in any way to living with a guy again. I have been dating the same man for 2 years and plan on living with him before I do the "I do's"...I think its very important to see how you "work" together in a day to day household. Hope that helps...not sure if it will...but keep posting and if I don't know someone out here does!
Israfil Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 Thanks! I was also wondering, perhaps you could answer this: What do you wish people had of warned/told you about before moving in? Moving in with someone is just like a marriage. Unfortunately, in most US states, it is not legally recognized as a domestic partnership - so it is a marriage without the legal contract. If you break up, you have no legal rights to anything, esp. pertaining to maintenance etc. What do you know now that you didn't know then? See above. Just some advice: Dont ever share your e-mail (online) passwords or banking codes with your partner. Ever. Ever. Ever. Don't share a bank account with them, and maintain another bank account that only you have access to. Don't take out loans with them. Don't buy things for them on your credit card. Preferably, don't get pets with them, unless you have discussed who will take the pet if you two split. Ensure that you have a written contract about financial obligations as to rent, utilities, grocerie etc. Come to an understanding about chores - who is responsible for what, and how often etc.
sweethonisti Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 I personally would not move in with anyone until you are engaged. Wait it is worth it. I just moved in with the guy i have dated for over a year and it lasted a month and a half of us living together. He was the one that asked me to move in with him and said we have a future together....blah blah blah.... ...so now i am in transition again...because i chose to live with someone i thought loved me....Oh yea, we got into an argument and he said that he doesn't think he is "in love" with me. Needless to say i packed up my pride moved in with mom and dad....until i find my own place again. I gave away all my furniture and things...sad but true. I promised myself i would never live with another man unless it was the real thing...i had my money on this guy...but god has a different plan i guess. I think that committment of engagement will make it better. I also believe that guys get settled too fast when their girlfriend moves in with them...why should they have to ever marry you when things are just fine with you living with them...know what i mean? If it is meant to be he will want to marry you. If it is meant to be he will ask you to move in with him. If it is meant to be he will give you no doubts. My feelings about relationships is that they should be icing on the life cake...you should feel better about yourself in them and secure. I have learned also that you should never ever let a man define who you are. well thats my 2 cents.
BeFree Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 I consider myself pretty liberal. But I believe you should wait until you are at least engaged. Tib bit about me and my wonderful bf...we once lived together. If kind of just happened. We did not really discuss it, he just stopped going home and was always at my house. Slowly started bringing these to my place one by one. bought furniture together. One day I look up and realize, he lives here. We got in a fight and he moved out. It was just too easy to pack up and move out with out a commitment. Now we are back together after a short break up. We both agree not to live together until we are engaged. Men really do get too comfortable when you live with them. They sometimes have a harder time making the next step. "why should they get married when everything is fine the way it is." I know that financially it is really tempting to move in before getting engaged, but it really is better to wait.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 I agree 100% with the engagement thing. For the time being, me and my boyfriend just spend a day (or sometimes two) at each other's places.
luvtoto Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Thanks! I was also wondering, perhaps you could answer this: What do you wish people had of warned/told you about before moving in? What do you know now that you didn't know then? When I moved in with my fiance, I was guilty of just overtaking his house. I decorated...painted...replaced his *crap* ha! with mine. This was NOT good. That needed to be more of a gradual process. If you are going to move in with him..respect his things. He was living as a bachelor for too many years, and I was gonna be little miss happy homemaker. I thought he would appreciate that, but it was just the opposite reaction. Looking back on it...I felt bad for taking things over like I did and if I had to do it again, I would gradually over time replace his *crap* with mine. Hahaha!
jerbear Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 When I moved in with my fiance, I was guilty of just overtaking his house. I decorated...painted...replaced his *crap* ha! with mine. This was NOT good. That needed to be more of a gradual process. If you are going to move in with him..respect his things. He was living as a bachelor for too many years, and I was gonna be little miss happy homemaker. I thought he would appreciate that, but it was just the opposite reaction. Looking back on it...I felt bad for taking things over like I did and if I had to do it again, I would gradually over time replace his *crap* with mine. Hahaha! I told my ex that my stuff would be replaced either mutually or her choice. Well it was 99% her choice. Which is why I don't own alot of furniture just very good kitchen stuff (appliances, pots, pans, gadgets) and select furniture. She told me it wouldn't happen, but guess what... "Little miss happy homemaker" kicked in. Both the fast version and the gradual version kicked in and this was at my place. I am so glad I didn't waste my money on buying *crap* and this gives me some verfication to my hunches.
Author Candied-Heart Posted March 5, 2006 Author Posted March 5, 2006 As I am not moving in for a few months. I have time to pose questions and make things clear, as does he. So I will be referring to this thread, mentally, when I need to. I suppose my biggest worry is as some posters have said, he may get too comfortable with my housekeeping and cooking and take this for granted. I am unsure as to a way around this other than discussing and setting the understanding.
Woggle Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 We are now engaged but I moved in with my fiance before there was a ring and it was something we decided to do to see if we would be good as a married couple. It turns out that we are very compatible. As for your questions. 1.We were dating six months before we decided to move in together. 2.Like I said before it was a test to see if we should be married and we passed that test. 3.Just bring it up to him. After you move in together make sure that both of you have your imprint on the place. The house was mine before she ,oved in so I try to make her feel at home and like this is her place as well. She put up some stuff around the living room and she we have an extra bedroom that is pretty bog that she can do whatever she wants with. That is her room and I have a room in the basement that is just mine.
a4a Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 I am unsure as to a way around this other than discussing and setting the understanding. why not discuss it? You should be clear on all aspects of things before you move in. Finances, household responsibility, and I would even draw up a lease. I sure did. No way was I going to allow a spat to displace me or my animals I moved to be with me. (I still retain my other home at this time, but I hate moving!) Also if you are just living together and invest in repairs or items for the house it should be clear about repayment or ownership of the items. Certainly do not move into another persons home unless you are 100% positive about doing so!
Author Candied-Heart Posted March 5, 2006 Author Posted March 5, 2006 Originally Posted by Candied-Heart I am unsure as to a way around this other than discussing and setting the understanding. why not discuss it? You should be clear on all aspects of things before you move in. Finances, household responsibility, and I would even draw up a lease. I sure did. No way was I going to allow a spat to displace me or my animals I moved to be with me. (I still retain my other home at this time, but I hate moving!) Also if you are just living together and invest in repairs or items for the house it should be clear about repayment or ownership of the items. Certainly do not move into another persons home unless you are 100% positive about doing so! That quote of mine that you referred toshould have been interpreted differently. Hehe. We will definitely discuss it, but I mean, other than things being 'just words' and I suppose the answer is a 'contract' though it's not like it's binding really eh..
jerbear Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Finances is a very thorny subject. Contracts are binding however; a void portion may void the whole contract. It just comes down to contract law wording and where you live. I didn't sign a contract as I paid for everything; at least had the ability to pay for everything. It was something we discussed that initially we should be able to pay for things on ONE income and not rely on both incomes. It came down to she paid just to all utilities while I handle the rest. A partner at a firm I once interned for, said his wife still makes him do the laundry and he HAS to do it at least once a month. So maybe a percentage rule of 75/25? 75 for main activity while 25 is helping out? 75% your Chef Can-Died Heart, 25% he is the sous chef. Have a night out every week, a good psuedo date where both of you don't cook, talk about finances, house work, communicate, etc...
Walk Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Couple things I learned along the way. IMO... I don't ask if I can move in with someone. Bringing it up in discussion to see how my partner feels about me moving into his place is "asking" in my opinion. Don't sneak into their lives by bringing your stuff over a little at a time and then staying all the time. Don't just "show up" no matter how often they've said it's ok. Keep the respect for their property and their lives. NEVER EVER move in and change everything. If you hate their living place, then don't move in. The resentment that creates is relationship shattering. I woke up one day to realize that I no longer owned a single piece of furniture in the entire house. Not one dish, glass, or end table. All of it was his. Slowly replaced with things he liked. God, I still hate him for that. Even if it's the ugliest, beat to hell table you've ever seen. You pretend to love it, if your partner owns it. Cause chances are, if they hated it, it would've been thrown out a long time ago. If you have anything bigger then an efficiency apartment, then set up "safe" zones for one or the other of you to have privacy and alone time. We have a spare bedroom set up for this. If my partner wants to spend a few hours playing video games without having to worry if it's bugging me, or that I'll bug him, he goes up there. It gives a sense of individualism while still keeping the relationship going. Your partner can't just "go home" when they want some time to themselves, so you have to create a small space for that. Otherwise you may end up tearing at each others throats (and causing huge fights) when all you wanted was an hour without your SO hanging over your shoulder. Respect your partners possessions and privacy. Give them space the same way you would've if you didn't live together. And don't ever assume your partner has the same expectations that you do. Either in house cleaning, bill paying, or treatment of possesions.
silverbeamer Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 Shouldn't you try the living together thing before talking about marriage? You would never buy a car without test driving it first and this- while is a lot more serious- is somewhat similar in a very odd way. I'm in the same boat and want to move in with him but don't know how to approach it. I guess I'm not rushing to get married any time soon. I just want to be able to spend a lot of time with him and try it out for a while.
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