Dilena Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I have read all the threads but would like some personal advice. We were Jr High and High School sweethearts (4 years dating). Upon him leaving to college out of state, I believe I began to feel lonely and craved his love and attention, (actually, just young and stupid). I began to party and cheated on him, when he returned from College 1 year later he was heart broken as I was dating another and he to began to date as well. In the midst of working things out I found out he got someone pregnant 2 months after arriving from college. I was devastated but we still continued to see each other only to find out that I myself was pregnant from another. We had a rocky year but never broke it off. Then his baby arrived and stole his heart. He married the mother of his baby. 2 months later the father of my baby asked me to marry him out of the blues. I immediately said yes, so I could leave the state and away from that small town where everyone knows everyone’s business. For the first 2 years we cheated on our spouses to see each other until his second child came along and I knew I had to move on. Broken hearted and without telling him I broke off all communication, changed jobs and city and kept it as such for the following 10 years never forgetting him and providing my own therapy by writing him silent letters for 10 years knowing he would never see them. Ten years later we meet again when I sent him a sympathy card for his fathers funeral and he managed to track me down. At which time he confessed his love even after I begged him not to. We cried together and I gave in and showed him my 10 years of letters. It floored me to see him so vulnerable and in tears after reading my letters. The spark ignited to a large flame and here we are madly in love as always. The problem. We are both still married to the same person for 13 years you could ironically say happily married. He has 3 children, I only have my one, I chose not to have anymore as children change my life drastically. We are in love, we want to be together so badly, we have been seeing one another for almost a year either he meets me ½ way or when I go visit family in that same town (8 hours away). We have made plans to be together. Is this love possible? Will it happen? Will he leave his wife? Will he leave his so-called perfect life as everyone sees it? Will it happen for us? I’m scared, I don’t want to see him hurt over leaving his children, I know it’s inevitable, but is it really possible he would do that for us. It’s hard to fathom as I myself am a mother. Yes I am feeling guilty, my conscience does bother me, but my heart tells me otherwise, my heart leads me to him and everything about him. I can no longer imagine life without him again.
Curmudgeon Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Aren't those all questions you need to be asking him? If the two of you can't communiocate openly on that delicate and important a level, you don't have the relationship you've fantasized about.
cal gal Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 D- I understand that you have feelings for this guy that have never gone away. Most everyone has someone they remember dating when they were younger and life was simple/easy. That in itself makes this attractive to you now. I do believe that you need to do the responsible thing for both your family and his. Do not contact him again. The guilt that you will feel for breaking up two somewhat happy homes will eat you up. It will not allow you to be happy with him in the end. Recommit yourself to your husband who has been good to you (and did the right thing way back when you got pregnant). You are figuring that this is a fairy tale, life is not that way! You are about to hurt and harm a good many lives! Allow it all to be wonderful memories and leave it at that. OR You get a divorce first and break up all the lives (yep even your family and friends) just to be selfishly with this old flame. My heart is heavy for all of the people you are considering hurting. My husband had an affair last summer. I told him do not come home. I do still love him but cannot go back. It has changed everything about our lives. We were married for 20 years and I thought we were soooo happy and had a perfect life. So, you have two choices, I'm anxious to see what path you choose. Good luck to you.
fraidycat Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Well, the truth is you all need to start being honest. It's not fair to his wife to be with someone who's heart belongs to another. There's no happy family there if it's all based on a lie. People always think that "staying together for the kids" is such a good route. The truth is it's such a good cover up, until the truth comes out and more hurt and pain ensues than what would of in the first place. If you two would of been honest a long time ago- sure things would change drastically but at least everyone would be living in the truth instead of a lie- from there on they could of learned how to move on and get on with their lives and make all the neccessary adjustments and what not.If my husband were in love with another woman I may be crushed to find out..no WAIT I would BE, I'd be mad, hurt, prob throw a few things..attempt murder (jk..I'd hope so at least) but, I wouldn't want either of us wasting anymore time in a lie. I'd want to take what time I had left and possible find love again withs omeone who loved me. What both of the cheated on spouses here deserve. Now Karma is going to tell you two that you're both selfish A holes who don't deserve to be happy. While you both did do something wrong and selfish I doubt either of you set out to hurt anyone or be malicious. If you would all come clean and be honest, give eachother and everyone involved the honesty they deserve I don't know if there's a chance for salvagable reuinion or not..you'll just have to see. It's better though to be honest and then live right by the truth then to keep living these lies- Good Luck
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 It's just a shame 10 years, all that therapy down the tubes...I understand that you sent him a card to wish him well, but after going for SO long doing no contact, that sucks. You did it once before, and you have to do it again. Tell him no contact and move on. Forever this time. Each of you have your spouses, kids, families, friends, inlaws, a life together. Unless both of you want to change all of that, it's best to stay away. You can't be friends with him because it will just cause your heart more pain. And probably his too. Sad story, and it seems the timing just sucked for both of you. So knowing that please really think about how much you have to lose. Think of your husband and kids. Go back to therapy, go to marriage counselling - Don't give in to those past feelings...
Blind Illusion Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Wow, you're love has really survived all these years. I know you are both married to other people and all, but it is almost bittersweet in a way.
cal gal Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 BI - the fact that they are now having sex doesn't absolutely mean or indicate that their love has survived all these years... they are not married and have everyday challenges that married couples do. they are simply two people who reconnected after years of being away from each other, then they decided to have an affair. come on get real, and call it for what it is! cheating = excitement give me a break - a lot of people will be hurt out of selfish actions.
elmejor Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 BI - the fact that they are now having sex doesn't absolutely mean or indicate that their love has survived all these years... they are not married and have everyday challenges that married couples do. they are simply two people who reconnected after years of being away from each other, then they decided to have an affair. come on get real, and call it for what it is! cheating = excitement give me a break - a lot of people will be hurt out of selfish actions. I must disagree here. (And agree with fraidycat) It is not selfish for two people who love each other to be together. It seems cruel for the W (and H) for their spouses to remain with them when they don't love them. Who wants a spouse who stays married to you "for the sake of the children?" Children thrive in happy environments, and having step-parents as well as their own parents is not a bad thing either. Saying a lot of people will be hurt is another rationalization for arguing the point that married couples, especially those with children are obligated to stay together, even if one no longer loves the other.
RecordProducer Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 the fact that they are now having sex doesn't absolutely mean or indicate that their love has survived all these years... they are not married and have everyday challenges that married couples do. they are simply two people who reconnected after years of being away from each other, then they decided to have an affair. This is very true. Call me ironic, but I have a problem with believing in this story. It sounds like a Danielle Steal wannabe wants to check how people would like her book. I can point out at the (many) details that leave me skeptical about the veracity of this poster... at anyone's desire.
littlekitty Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I call you RP!! I always like to hear your thoughts!
RecordProducer Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I call you RP!! I always like to hear your thoughts! OK. I claim a right to be wrong though! We were Jr High and High School sweethearts (4 years dating). Upon him leaving to college out of state, I believe I began to feel lonely and craved his love and attention, (actually, just young and stupid). I began to party and cheated on him, when he returned from College 1 year later he was heart broken as I was dating another and he to began to date as well. She never mentions any break-up between them. She slept with other people because she craved for him and when he returned, only one year later, she was dating someone else. It simply doesn't sound like love that would last for many years later. In the midst of working things out I found out he got someone pregnant 2 months after arriving from college. I was devastated but we still continued to see each other only to find out that I myself was pregnant from another. 1. Which college finishes after one year? 2. She calls his wife "someone"... just a mental note.. 3. They are both pregnant at the same time! 4. He was devastated that she was dating another, but he got another girl pregant! We had a rocky year but never broke it off. Then his baby arrived and stole his heart. He married the mother of his baby. 2 months later the father of my baby asked me to marry him out of the blues. I immediately said yes, so I could leave the state and away from that small town where everyone knows everyone’s business. The first sentence implies that they were dating for a year after both girls were already pregnant. So Danielle Steal dated him while pregnant! The baby "stole his heart" (I assume with the dirty diapers and crying ). Then he marries the mother and she marries the father of her baby out of the blue just so she can move away. Broken hearted and without telling him I broke off all communication, changed jobs and city and kept it as such for the following 10 years never forgetting him and providing my own therapy by writing him silent letters for 10 years knowing he would never see them.Too much Hollywood drama! Ten years later we meet again when I sent him a sympathy card for his fathers funeral and he managed to track me down. At which time he confessed his love even after I begged him not to. We cried together and I gave in and showed him my 10 years of letters. It floored me to see him so vulnerable and in tears after reading my letters. The spark ignited to a large flame and here we are madly in love as always.Some more Hollywood drama! I chose not to have anymore as children change my life drastically. She says "Children change my life drastically", not "my child changed my life..." Well again, maybe I am wrong... I just couldn't resist!
littlekitty Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Brilliantly dissected! In fact, possibly cause for you to write a more believable version!!! I reckon you’d do a pretty good job having found all the obvious faults! Although god knows often the truth is less believable than fiction!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 You read my mind, RP. My first thought on seeing this thread was "Pleeeze....put down the romance novel and walk away!" Anyway, for the sake of being on-topic, the OP should consider telling her husband about all this. It'll give him an opportunity to either reinvest in the marriage or to exit from it. In this way, they can either solve the marital problems together, or get out and find a better life for themselves. I disagree with some of the opinions regarding "staying for the kids" though. It's not the right thing to do when EVERY option has been explored and has failed. But I do think that raising children in a two-parent home is an excellent reason to pull out all the stops and ascertain that the marriage indeed has no hope.
Guest Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Dilena, there are message boards just for people who are having relationships with "long lost loves." These situations are a little different from the standard extra-marital affair and harder for people who have not had a long lost love to understand.
JayKay Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Anyone who spends ten years writing letters 'no one will see' and saving them is mentally ill.
Author Dilena Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 Thank you to all for your help, especially to RecordProducer for dissecting it in an interesting way. It is very difficult to put in 13 years of info into a few paragraphs and since this was my first i wasn't sure if i could even put that much in. You are so right with all of your questions, but it's all true believe it or not. But anyhow she is right, we never broke up. I kept telling myself there was never closure and maybe that's what we needed. As far as sleeping with other people at the age of 18 I only slept with 1 other person and dated maybe 2 others, he did not go to college but to a technical school of which he didn't complete. You're right, we we were dating the whole time I was pregnant her and my child are only 2 months apart. You mentioned something about me not using the phrase my child, i thought about that after i wrote it. But i do love my daughter regardless. I can understand your feelings on my life, after all i confided in a friend about my life and she told me it sounded like a novel. Either way, I'm not a writer nor am I here to justify the truth of my story as I'm doing now apparently. I wrote it to get advice and thank those of you who did and would welcome any more who either agree or disagree with my choices. I will keep you informed as to what transpires. Thank you all
RecordProducer Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 Okay, if the story is true then I can't help but notice that you and your lover love each other only in the irresponsible circumstances. You both cheated on each other (you said you never broke up during college time) and got pregnant with other people who you married soon after that. You both cheated on your spouses for a long time and didn't get back together! Moreover he had another child with his wife while sleeping with you. And when you broke up that time, he didn't run after you, but stayed with his wife and had a third child with her. It seems to me that he was your imaginary romantic figure that you needed your whole life, but in reality he never showed to be responsible. He never had the guts to ask you to take your child and marry him, even when he had just one child. You only have two options: to stay married to your spouses or divorce and be together. You would obviously go for it so what will turn out of this depends solely on him. I suggest that you tell him to leave his wife first and then if you see that he left, you'll leave yours. Have you thought about what you would do with the children? Would you take yours with you or leave him/her too? I am afraid that this whole affair is just built on a fantasy about true love - the kind you can't find in reality. You definitely are a hopeless romantic, whether your story is true or not. But in a life full of responsibilities and mistakes, you'll hit your head off the wall many times if you pursue a mere fantasy. How would you get along under the same roof with children from other spouses and all problems that come with divorces? Are you both at least financially independent? I am afraid that your love won't survive all the obstacles just like it hasn't so far. Is this love possible? Will it happen? Will he leave his wife? Will he leave his so-called perfect life as everyone sees it? Will it happen for us? Watch Hallmark tonight to discover the end of this story! Sorry, but I still find it hard to believe in it. Also you never told us if you have a son or a daughter (people usually do - they get very personal in describing their spouses and children).
Author Dilena Posted March 5, 2006 Author Posted March 5, 2006 Thanks RP, if only you knew the details. If only someone knew all I have been hiding for so many years. Regardless, you bring up some good points for me to think about. I still believe we both love each other very much. If we didn't I don't believe either of us would be in this right now when it seems we had no reason to be. I know it's the consequences of our actions that will not only hurt us but those around us. Your right, I don't know how being a stepmother will work out or if his children will even allow me to be a part of their lives. I so want to believe I will love them because I love him or that my daughter will learn to accept him. But reality could very well be different. I have told him before maybe it's better for only 2 people to continue hurting rather than a whole list of people we love. "To our detriment and to their benefit". I know it would be very difficult to let each other go if we choose to let go. But I also realize their will be consequences. It's just so, so hard. Like I've said before, my conscience tells me one thing, but my heart another.
RecordProducer Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Dilena, I don't know what you should go for, but the only advice I can give you is to "not put the frying pan on the range while the fish is still in the water." I have a feeling that your lover won't leave his family so don't risk to lose your good husband and hurt your child by annoucing your divorce because of another man until you're absolutely sure he left his wife for good. Many married men leave their wives and try to live with their girlfriends just to change their minds and go back home. Wives often take them back, but it might not be the case with your husband - he may close the door for you once he learns that you've been unfaithful to him.
JayKay Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 I still don't know if this story is true, but if it is....I feel SO sorry for the spouses involved who are caught up in all the lies and deceit.
Ladylay Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 One question, where did you hide ten years worth of letters:confused:
Author Dilena Posted March 8, 2006 Author Posted March 8, 2006 Well LL, I have always held office jobs. For about the first 2 years I began keeping them in a journal/notebook at my employment. But for the most part I keep them on my computer (password protected of course). I would say I averaged one letter every 2 months and while we have been in contact I have not found the urge to write until here within the last month I have made some entries. I have learned that when I'm down or hurting, writing these letters tend to help me some. The last few letters he has not yet received or read. I'm feeling distant from him mainly because his wife found out about our communication through cell phone bills and we have not been able to talk as much as we use to.
Ladylay Posted March 8, 2006 Posted March 8, 2006 Well LL, I have always held office jobs. For about the first 2 years I began keeping them in a journal/notebook at my employment. But for the most part I keep them on my computer (password protected of course). I would say I averaged one letter every 2 months and while we have been in contact I have not found the urge to write until here within the last month I have made some entries. I have learned that when I'm down or hurting, writing these letters tend to help me some. The last few letters he has not yet received or read. I'm feeling distant from him mainly because his wife found out about our communication through cell phone bills and we have not been able to talk as much as we use to. Thanks for answering, I had visions of 10 years worth of mail under the floorboards:D
Author Dilena Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 You know, when I first wrote about my situation, I know I said I had read all of the threads but needed some personal advice. I am just now realizing how to navigate this site and have found there was a lot more than I thought. I am not only amazed but thankful for all the support I have found, especially since I have no one to turn to as many of us do here. The many experiences have made me realize so much, have made me think about so much. My heart is heavy, but I am not alone.
Ladylay Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 You know, when I first wrote about my situation, I know I said I had read all of the threads but needed some personal advice. I am just now realizing how to navigate this site and have found there was a lot more than I thought. I am not only amazed but thankful for all the support I have found, especially since I have no one to turn to as many of us do here. The many experiences have made me realize so much, have made me think about so much. My heart is heavy, but I am not alone. There is an answer to most situations on here:D
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