Mixed Signals ... What Else is New??

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I’ve been on four dates with a guy, each one better than the one that preceded it, and I think he feels the same way. Date three was drinks on a Monday night at a dark and sexy lounge. He walked me to my train at the end of the evening with his arm draped around me and we kissed while we waited at the traffic lights to cross the streets. When I suggested the weekend ahead in response to his question at the end of the evening about when he could see me again, he said that sounded good and called Thursday to confirm our Saturday evening date.

 

Date four on Saturday went even better. We had dinner in his neighborhood and then went back to his apartment for another drink. I stayed the night (our first time spending the evening together – no sex, just some playfulness and cuddling) but everything was great the next morning. Very comfortable hanging out around his place for awhile, he told me about some pictures that were on his kitchen counter, and then he sat down for more conversation even after I’d put my coat and scarf on to leave. Then he walked me to the train station and gave me a kiss and a hug and another kiss and asked to see me again soon and to text him to let him know I got home alright.

 

It was really a great night together, and things had been moving very slowly between us – partly because we’d each been out of town for a week with our work during the first month we knew each other, and partly because I don’t get the impression either of us is particularly clingy or eager to rush things. But I was hopeful that two great dates in one week and his apparent eagerness to see me again at the end of our most recent date maybe signaled that things were taking a turn in a more serious direction, and that’s something I’ve decided I’d like very much to happen … But he hasn’t called since we said goodbye Sunday morning, and now it’s Thursday afternoon. I called him last night, and whatever, a full 24-hours hasn’t even passed since that call, so I’m not nervous that he won’t return my call (in fact, I’d be downright floored if he didn’t return my call) … but at the same time, I guess I was kind of hoping he’d want to see me again this weekend, and Thursday night or Friday morning is a bit late to be checking in about that.

 

I think I’m just a little confused about what’s going on here and maybe curious about people’s opinions … Is he just moving slowly and that’s cool? Or is this kind of weird? If I didn’t see him this weekend, it wouldn’t be the first time we’d gone a week without seeing one another, but is even that kind of weird at this point? I know he’s not opposed to a committed relationship with somebody. (Date three included a pretty intense conversation about how each of felt about settling down – just a general conversation of course, not at all specific to our relationship with one another – but still pretty intense.) So he doesn’t have commitment issues … I mean, of course that doesn’t mean he’s interested in committing to me … but still, I haven’t gotten a single signal when we’re together that things are anything less than great. It’s just the silence between times together that’s a little strange to me.

 

I don’t know. Do I just need to chill the heck out?? Somebody slap some sense into me!!! Most of my early dating experiences have been more clear -- either he's calling all the time or it's pretty obvious when we're together that we're not exactly hitting it off, so it's not the biggest shocker in the world when calls are few and far between. This is the first time I've had something that's going so well in so many ways, but is still very odd and undefined in a lot of other ways. Blah!

[Yamaha]

What's the problem? He could write a book on how to keep a women interested and wanting more and he seems to have you enthralled. My hats off to him. He likes you and you want more so go with it. I wouldn't push him but go at his pace.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

What's the problem? He could write a book on how to keep a women interested and wanting more and he seems to have you enthralled.

My hats off to him. He likes you and you want more so go with it. I wouldn't push him but go at his pace.

 

Well, first off, thanks for your answer, and I hope you're right about him being into me! As to my problem, I guess two things are getting to me:

 

(1) He doesn't seem like a game playing type. Like, I don't see him sitting at home thinking, "Let me wait for her to call, and then I'll put her off a couple days, and by the time I get back to her, she'll be crazy about me!" I could be wrong, but I really don't think I am! (And if I am wrong, then you're right -- he absolutely should write a book, because he's pulled this off quite brilliantly!)

 

(2) I've heard so much advice (and have had that advice confirmed in personal experience) that if a guy's into you, he'll call. "If you have to ask" kind of stuff, you know? I haven't done a lot of waiting by the phone in the past because I haven't needed to. If I had the feeling he was into me, he'd call; and if I had the feeling we didn't exactly hit it off, he wouldn't.

 

I don't know, it's been twice now that we've had this weird not calling thing happen. The first time was after I'd not called him when I was supposed to. I'd been out of town for a week on work, and had gotten stranded an extra day after my flight was cancelled due to bad weather. I was supposed to call him the day I returned, but figured it wouldn't be a big deal to call him a day later when my flight got bumped. Of course, he ended up calling me before I got to him concerned that I was "pulling a disappearing act" and then he said he'd call me later in the week or "maybe you could call me."

 

Ooof. So I took that as meaning he was requiring a little reassurance, and called him two nights later ... then he waited four days to get back to me. Which actually was pretty irritating, and I wasn't really looking forward to seeing him on our next scheduled date. But then that date ended up going really unexpectedly well (that was date three) and then our last date was even better ... so I thought it was just a dumb misunderstanding that we'd moved past.

 

But here I am again. I just don't get it really. I mean, I guess if you're not in a rush, you're not in a rush ... but I don't know. Just seems weird to me!

[jerbear]

benefitofthedoubt:

 

I hope your love interests did not read this. I am not fully endorsing or disavowing his post.

 

Alphamale's Guide To Keeping Women Around:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61606/

 

Now work and stuff, does both of your jobs require long hours?

 

I think you two like each other, yet he is working and building mystery. Since it was only 4 dates; I hate to say this, both of you are playing around a little and he got you hooked.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

benefitofthedoubt:

 

I hope your love interests did not read this. I am not fully endorsing or disavowing his post.

 

Alphamale's Guide To Keeping Women Around:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61606/

 

Now work and stuff, does both of your jobs require long hours?

 

I think you two like each other, yet he is working and building mystery. Since it was only 4 dates; I hate to say this, both of you are playing around a little and he got you hooked.

 

I know. I actually stumbled upon that thread last night. Even though it was a little horrifying, the objective side of me couldn't help but see a lot of truth in it!

 

As for our jobs ... mine is long hours earning pennies and his is short days earning bucketloads. Don't you love how that works out?? Seriously though, because of the nature of his job, it pretty much ends when the regular business day ends, highly doubt he's too busy to call.

 

As for both of us playing around a little, if by that you mean not necessarily doing exactly what I'd do naturally and thinking about how things might be interpretted before I do them, then yes, I'm definitely still in playing around mode. I'm ready to leave it behind though -- I do like him, and I feel remarkably natural and effortless when I'm with him -- but since I'm still not sure where I stand, I'm playing it close to the vest! No big scary motions, you know?!

 

I don't know. I guess it's just weirdly eye-opening for me to think of him as maybe still playing the dating game with me a little. He just seems to have his act together -- self-assured and he says the right things while also saying enough wrong things that it comes out feeling really genuine. I guess it's possible though ...

 

... I guess it's just always kind of hard to think of people as feeling as unsure as I do. That said, if it was him that called me last night, I'd have called him back by now!

[scobro]

I think he would have called by now if he was interested.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I think he would have called by now if he was interested.

 

I wouldn't have posted here if I didn't generally agree with you. But what, then, do you make of all the "Can I see you again soon?" and "text me to let me know you got home alright" business at the end of our last date? I've been brushed off before, and usually it's more a, "Yeah, so I'll call you," kind of thing, nothing more.

 

(The wanting to know I got home okay part was new and particularly comical -- He'd never done that before, and the first time he does, it's when I'm hopping onto a crowded subway at noon on a Sunday afternoon. Meanwhile, most times when we're saying goodbye, it's well after dark and I've got a few drinks in me -- he's never asked me to text those times! Kind of humorous!)

 

That's why I call this mixed signals. I'm not one to have a ton of confidence when it comes to relationships, and I actually thought this one was going alright. Did he just change his mind in the four days since I saw him? Or was all of this just some big act? Or yeah, as some other's have said, is he just maybe making sure he keeps things going at his pace or making sure that he's always holding all the cards for some reason?

[jerbear]

Did he just change his mind in the four days since I saw him? Or was all of this just some big act? Or yeah, as some other's have said, is he just maybe making sure he keeps things going at his pace or making sure that he's always holding all the cards for some reason?

 

I don't think he changed his mind, he just are holding some cards. Now since you've read some of Alphamale's stuff, you can at least count cards now.

 

If he is making big bucks 9to5 he would have called. I've met businessmen and businesswomen, they want to hold the cards. When they lose, they get vindictive.

 

The 4 dates could be an act. I've done the 3 month dating then pulled a houdini. He maybe keeping the pace but what is next? dinner in paris?

 

Regarding playful, at least you are not playing games and ready to put it behind you.

 

He is seeing how far he can go, setting and pushing his boundaries. don't call him, let him call saturday. If you call him and he calls you back 2 days, then 4; he is playing games.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

He is seeing how far he can go, setting and pushing his boundaries. don't call him, let him call saturday. If you call him and he calls you back 2 days, then 4; he is playing games.

 

Again, I just really don't think he's doing this. I could have him pegged completely wrong, but this would seem terribly out of character. He really strikes me as a Good Guy. He comes from a close family, he's had several long-term relationships (made it all the way to engagement once), and even at the most cynical level, we're not even having sex. So basically, the only thing he'd be doing by stringing me along is just wasting a lot of money on nice meals and bottles of wine!

 

But yeah. I absolutely will not be calling him till he calls me. Just trying to figure out what to say when he does call. (As I said above, I do think he will call at some point between now and the end of the weekend, would really be absolutely floored if this was it.) Because I'm not okay feeling this way. I don't need some massive commitment from him, but I do want to let him know that if he isn't okay with returning my calls in some kind of reasonable time period, then I'm probably not okay with being with him.

[jerbear]

Let's see. I do hope I am 100% wrong and will acknowledge my mistakes.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

Let's see. I do hope I am 100% wrong and will acknowledge my mistakes.

 

You might very well be 100% right for all I know. I gave up on trying to understand men years ago!

 

I just kind of want to know at this point, you know? Even if it's not the answer I want, at least then I'll be able to start dealing with it. I'm just in weird limbo right now, and for me, that's always been the toughest place to be.

[jerbear]

You might very well be 100% right for all I know. I gave up on trying to understand men years ago!

 

I just kind of want to know at this point, you know? Even if it's not the answer I want, at least then I'll be able to start dealing with it. I'm just in weird limbo right now, and for me, that's always been the toughest place to be.

 

Don't worry about the limbo issue, it is the anticipation of a new relationship. I don't think asprin or the pink stuff will not help you.

 

I tried to understand one woman, once I figured her out, she freaked. I think once I marry one, it will still take awhile to figure it out. :lmao:

 

Keep us posted, I hope it works out.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

Keep us posted, I hope it works out.

 

I hope so too. Thanks!

[scobro]

So basically, the only thing he'd be doing by stringing me along is just wasting a lot of money on nice meals and bottles of wine!

 

Yes until he gets you to have sex with him, then he's off like a "jewish foreskin":p

[jerbear]

Yes until he gets you to have sex with him, then he's off like a "jewish foreskin":p

 

I have a comment but I'll keep it to myself. Conquest! Playing around, borders on prosti....

 

My "ex" fell for that; she fell for a guy like him. She was upset when I pointed it out to her. "$400 flowers & vase, wine and dine" and he is a carpenter? The thing is, she paid him to work on the hardwood floors in her house. I pointed it out that imported vase is not worth $100 and he doesn't know what Barolo wine is. Really upsets me.

 

BenefitoftheDoubt:

 

I really hope this does not happen to you. Honestly, I really do.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I really hope this does not happen to you. Honestly, I really do.

 

If I read your post correctly, it sounds like your ex fell for a guy who was giving her cheap flowers and wine and pawning it off as expensive?? And having her pay him to do work on her house?? This guy isn't like that. He's never given me anything, but he does tend to take me to nice places when we go out. I tend to think that's more because he just *goes* to nice places though. He's a wealthy professional guy, and we live in a huge city with lots of really nice places to eat and drink. I more just made the comment about his taking me to nice places to mean that I didn't get the point of him wasting his money on me if he had no interest in me than to insinuate that he was trying wine and dine my pants off.

 

But who knows, maybe the cynical view *is* what happened. Maybe he was taking me to nice places to try to get me into bed, and bristled when I told him I wasn't ready to have sex with him. I don't know. I still think it's odd that he'd be so comfortable and casual talking to me and keeping me around the next morning if he'd only wanted to have sex with me, and that he problably wouldn't have cared to hear whether I made it home okay or said that he wanted to see me again soon if it was all about the sex that I wasn't giving him ... but he's clearly caught me completely off guard by blowing me off this week, so what do I know??

 

Everything was really just so good (and I *never* say that!) that I almost kind of feel like somebody else must have come into or returned to his life. It's really the only explanation that makes sense to me. And that's okay if that happened, I just wish he'd had the decency to let me know. It's been four dates -- to me that's enough that I deserve at the very least an email. Doesn't have to be big or involved, but just letting me know that the game's off.

 

Whatever. We'll see. If I hear from him, I'm definitely going to say something. I think the writing's on the wall either way, so if he's the kind of guy that runs when a chick tries to have a serious conversation, then I'm most likely just speeding up the inevitable. Sucks, but I'll be alright.

[jerbear]

Who knows but it is friday and your woman's intuition might be right. He also might be stroking his ego; either way he got some interest. I trust a woman's intuition more than my guts most of the time but it depends on the woman!

 

She knows her wines so I was surprised about that. I've given her different flowers and it was over $275. She never received yellow, purple, and pink roses before, romantic yet non-roses, or got mistletoed. Oh well...

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

He also might be stroking his ego.

 

Well, that's on the list of possibilities of what's going on. The most likely scenarios in my mind are (in the order of their liklihood, from most likely to least likely):

 

1. Either an ex-girlfriend came back into his life or a new girl really swept him off his feet.

 

2. He thinks we're super casual (we have had no discussion of, nor did I assume, any level of exclusivity) and doesn't at this point see the big deal in waiting a few days to call.

 

3. He got a little thrown off that I didn't want to have sex with him -- either he was in it primarily for sex or he somehow took it personally that I said I wasn't ready for sex.

 

4. He's playing some big ol' game right now.

 

None of those bode particularly well for us, mind you! If he thinks we're super casual, then we can see if it's possible to get back on the same page and go from there. And if he misinterpretted my reasons for not wanting to have sex with him (they are, simply, that I do not have sex outside of exclusive relationships, and I had no reason to think that we were in one), then we can clear that up and maybe move forward. But otherwise, those scenarios pretty much spell out kaput, in my mind.

 

I think in a lot of ways, I'm over-thinking this. But I think in some ways I'm hurt, and I do still expect him to call, so I want to know what it is I want at this point so I can figure out whether he's able to give that to me and find myself a greener pasture if he's not!

[jerbear]

None of those bode particularly well for us, mind you! If he thinks we're super casual, then we can see if it's possible to get back on the same page and go from there. And if he misinterpretted my reasons for not wanting to have sex with him (they are, simply, that I do not have sex outside of exclusive relationships, and I had no reason to think that we were in one), then we can clear that up and maybe move forward. But otherwise, those scenarios pretty much spell out kaput, in my mind.

 

I think in a lot of ways, I'm over-thinking this. But I think in some ways I'm hurt, and I do still expect him to call, so I want to know what it is I want at this point so I can figure out whether he's able to give that to me and find myself a greener pasture if he's not!

 

I would say over-thinking and over analyzing is bad and fine at the same time. However, I feel he got you hooked and filled with doubt; otherwise you wouldn't have questions. The curiosity for the reason well, makes you anticipate and wait for his call. when he calls you'll be giddy.

 

Not having sex after 4 dates, well maybe he was expecting and wanted a conquest. A girl has to have her standards and yours is exclusive relationship and more than 4 dates.

 

I've learned a few things from his methods, wine & dine works, cheap flowers work, being there when they are depressed, lonely works, even buying a dress for someone would get you a "date." LS has tought me a few things.

 

I don't want you or any other LSer getting hurt romantically, just more enlightened.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

when he calls you'll be giddy.

 

Actually, I won't be. That much I know. As I mentioned in my second post to this thread, this is not the first time this has happened. That time, I was so p*ssed when he finally did call that I didn't answer, and I didn't call him back till the next day. After speaking with him, I was comfortable enough with his explanation that I agreed to go on another date with him, but I really wasn't looking forward to it at all, and it took me awhile to soften up on that date. I don't take well to people who don't treat me right.

 

And yeah, as for me and my standards ... our relationship (for lack of a better word) has been different than a lot of the others I've had. The closeness and intimacy has developed a lot slower than most of the others, and I guess I kind of thought that was a good sign -- that we weren't going on raw sparks that everybody feels at the very beginning of something new, but rather letting things actually kind of develop.

 

But I think the slower pace is also what made me feel not quite ready for sex. Even the way he presented it, I got the impression he wanted it sure, but kind of knew that it would be taking a huge leap after lots of little baby steps. I don't know. The upshot is I'm really relieved I didn't have sex, lemme tell ya! If this is over, I'll be alright with that. But if I'd had sex with him, I'd really be very hurt and very upset with myself right now. I can say, "No regrets," at this point, and really mean it.

[jerbear]

But if I'd had sex with him, I'd really be very hurt and very upset with myself right now. I can say, "No regrets," at this point, and really mean it.

 

great job that you can feel that way and not be hurt or upset. Gives me a better understanding my "ex" (& "ex" friend) now. I now realize I did some rather stupid things like not notice the signals & pay attention, she offered me a key. Argh!!! Mixed signals. Oh well is what I can say.