Still hoping to keep marriage together...

[HopefullHub]

Hi all,

 

First time poster, looking for some insight.

 

A little about me. My wife and I are 36, been married for 3 years, together for 10, and have two young children (both ours, 5 & 8.)

 

Our relationship has had many ups and downs, and to be blunt, I have not been a very good partner over the years. Emotionally distant, unattentive, verbally abusive more often than not, selfish at times, picky, etc.

 

Back in November, we both started new jobs. She went from being a stay at home mom (which I never gave her credit for) back to her previous career in Sales. I switched job classifications and location at the company I work for. Needless to say, it was a big change in both of our lives. She was starting to become more independent (and unavailable), and I was actually very uncomfortable in my new position. I started hanging out with a mutual friend of ours (a friend's wife who works near me and who I've known for 15 years) for attention and familiarity. Well, it went over the line after about 2 weeks of flirting and some kissing. She got caught by her husband (from a voicemail I had left), and instead of my wife finding out through someone else, I told her immediately about the affair.

 

At the time (1st week of Dec.) she didn't seem very surprised or particularly upset. She told she she was considering leaving me anyway in January, and I was dumbstruck (of course now, looking back, I can hardly blame her.) Well, it didn't take long for me to realize that I didn't want that to happen, and that I really and truly did love her, but I had just been taking our relationship for granted all these years.

 

I have since been working very hard (but willingly) to change the way I deal with things emotionally and have really put forth the effort to take the load off her shoulders when it comes to the house and kids. I probably do about 80-90% of the housework and childcare now, because her schedule is very busy. I have also been seeing a couselor since the beginning of the year to help me understand things about myself and help me become a better man, and husband. I try very hard to show her respect, love, and adoration. She seems to be very receptive, but overwhelmed, because this is such a change for me. Our sex life is very good, and more frequent than ever.

 

Since I came clean about my affair, I have been a little paranoid that she may cheat on me. Perhaps I deserve that. Because of that, I have been monitoring her email without her knowledge. Recently, a friend of hers who (I've been told by my wife) has been having a lot of sexual escapades, e-mailed her asking if she was still with me, because she has so many men lined up, she wanted some "backup." Sounded to me like she wanted another partner in crime (she has also gotten another married woman friend involved, so I've been told, again, by my wife.)

 

Well, I was very curious to see if my wife would reply, and she did. To summarize (all in her own words), she said she was still with me - but heart was not in it. That she would love to play backup, which shows which direction she's heading, that she doesn't have the time, energy or money to tackle the divorce issue, and that her therapist is telling her it is okay to hang tight until she feels logistically sound to move out and divorce. She ended it by saying she was dying to hear about all the sex this woman was having and said she thought she was one of those women who couldn't get enough.

 

As you might imagine, my heart sunk. I wanted to confront her in a way that wouldn't make it obvious that I was spying on her. Over the last couple of months, I have been opening up to her, telling her how I feel about her and treating her with adoration. Last night was really no exception, but I posed questions to her to find out if she really loved me and wanted to make this work. Yes, although she has been confused, she assured me that she wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear. I asked her if she ever wondered what it would be like if she had left in January. She said it scared her and that she was glad she decided to stay. I asked her if she ever wondered what it would be like to do what her friend had been doing. She acted a little appalled and said that her friend was in a destructive mode. She told me she couldn't be like that. I told her I was concerned that she wasn't sexually satisfied with our relationship (which she has not given any indication, but I may be clueless) and she said she was and that she wasn't looking for anything else. Keep in mind that she has been very busy, but we still have sex 5-10 times per week, including twice the night before our conversation.

 

We also talked about getting couples counseling and other ways that we can better communicate and improve our relationship. Over all, she made me feel that what I was doing to help myself and our marriage was working.

 

But, to me, the e-mail to her friend says different.

 

I'm not sure how to proceed. Help

[Chump64]

Throw down the gauntlet. Tell her that you snooped and what you saw, and you need an explanation for what she said to her friend vs. what she said to you. Be prepared for some serious fallout, though, for breaking into her email. You really had no right to do that unless you had legitimate suspicions about her fidelity, in my opinion.

 

It sounds like some serious couples counseling is in order. It also sounds like the two of you have some serious honesty issues. She may be thinking it would be OK for her to cheat as 'payback.' IMO, the sooner you tell her the truth and start working toward sorting things out, the better (if saving your marriage is what you really want).

 

If I were her, I would have some pretty major trust issues with you, seeing as how you cheated on her and then broke into her email account.

[catgirl1927]

You don't seem to have a lot of respect for her, if you treated her badly, cheated on her, and then violated her privacy because you can't be trusted so you assume she can't either.

 

As for her email, you know honestly, sometimes we all say things that we really don't mean because we're angry or frustrated. She was basically blowing her wild friend off, so she hasn't done anything. Actions speak louder than words, and hers are screaming that she is NOT the one in this relationship who cannot be trusted.

[Dora]

not necessory to tell her that you have been spying on her. it wont help to rebuild the trust in any ways. it only makes things worse.

 

not necesssory to take what she told her friends so seriously either. We dont always tell the truth. Sometimes we are just playing along with the subject to please the conversation starter... sometimes it's more about imaginations than what the person really wants to do... sometimes...

 

Actions always speak louder than words. you are with her, you know if her heart is there or not. Decisions should be made based on what she does not what she says, and it's also reasonable if she is not being decisive but still needs time to sort things out, so, dont push.

 

Efforts on rebuilding the trust and marriage should be from both sides, try to give yourself and her more motivations and reasons why you both need to stay together and make the marriage work, be open up to all the possibilites and feelings

[Becoming]

It sounds like you have a lot going for you that's good now in your relationship. Have you talked to your therapist about all of this? It sounds like your suspicions are coming from somewhere, whether from her behavior or your own insecurities that may sabotage the good you've been doing with all the work on your own issues.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and ask your wife to sit down and work through the stuff on that site with you. My H and I go out 2-3x/mth to talk about what we both read on that site, and it's been hugely helpful. It's been almost as helpful as couples counseling. There's a lot of stuff there, but work through the basics first.

 

Honey, she can't be too unhappy if there's sex 5-10x/week.

 

Don't do anything until you talk to your counselor. You've done good so far; don't want to blow it.

[HopefullHub]

Thank you all very much for the advice.

 

Chump64 - We both seem very open to couples counseling and I will definitely talk to her further and get something set up.

 

catgirl1927 - thanks for your insight. I had thought I was treating her with more respect than ever, but I probably need to re-evaluate my efforts and think more about how I would feel in her shoes. I also hadn't considered her e-mail might just be blowing smoke and you're right, she hasn't done anything yet, to my knowledge.

 

Dora - I sincerely hope she's just playing along. I've been actively giving her reasons why we should try to make this work, and trying to give her time to sort it all out. There's always room for improvement though!

 

Becoming - Great site! and thanks for sharing what you're doing in your relationship. Gives me a place to start. I wasn't scheduled for a couseling session until later this month, but I think I will definitely try to bump it up. I haven't talked about my wife's possible infidelity yet, but I will. Some of my suspicions are based on her behavior, as well as my own insecurities.

 

Thanks again everyone, this really does help!

[Ladyjane14]

Well, I was very curious to see if my wife would reply, and she did. To summarize (all in her own words), she said she was still with me - but heart was not in it. That she would love to play backup, which shows which direction she's heading, that she doesn't have the time, energy or money to tackle the divorce issue, and that her therapist is telling her it is okay to hang tight until she feels logistically sound to move out and divorce. She ended it by saying she was dying to hear about all the sex this woman was having and said she thought she was one of those women who couldn't get enough.

 

Spying is a double-edged sword.

 

When your mate's words and actions don't match up, there's sometimes a good reason for it. Afterall, you can't fight what you can't see...so IMHO information gathering is valid when you're in that kind of situation.

 

When you're NOT in that kind of situation, and your mate's words and actions do match up....then you're subject to seriously misinterpreting the information you've gathered. This could be a simple case of reading an email out-of-context. On the surface it sounds bad, that's true enough. But you know, we're ALL guilty of saying things we don't necessarily mean, particularly if we're in a bad mood or trying to impress a buddy.

 

Personally, I wouldn't take this incident too seriously unless I had noticed a change in behavior.

 

Unless she gives you legitimate reason to do so, you should probably stop reading her emails. Again "legitimate reason" would be when her words and actions aren't in sync as directed toward YOU. Whatever bullsh*t she says to her friends isn't necessarily meaningful.

[HopefullHub]

Well, there have been some incidents when things haven't quite matched up, but there was no real way of finding out (that I had available, at the time.)

 

I'm not thrilled about feeling the need to spy, but I don't want to be blindsided either.

 

She may be bluffing about the sex stuff (or that's me just wishing) but I wouldn't think she would bluff about divorcing. What woul be the point in that?

[Chump64]

I'm a big advocate of spying and I became quite the pro at it. But I do think you need some serious and concrete reasons for spying. I have heard that it's very common for the wandering spouse to start wondering is his / her spouse is also cheating, mostly out of the WS's own insecurity and guilt.

 

If your suspicions were reasonable and not just based on your own insecurity, then you should have no qualms about telling her the truth and telling her why you spied. If you have specific examples that cause you to question her behavior, then share them with her.

[Ladyjane14]

She may be bluffing about the sex stuff (or that's me just wishing) but I wouldn't think she would bluff about divorcing. What woul be the point in that?

 

It's only been 3 months or so since D-Day, is that right?

 

She might actually still be rolling the divorce option around in her mind. It's a possibility.

 

Or....she might have been having one of those extremely frequent moments where the BS (betrayed spouse) is feeling the rage. Triggers are normal. Lots of things can set them off. You're watching TV or listening to the radio and next thing you know, you're taking an unpleasant trip down 'memory lane' where your emotions still feel fresh.

 

On average, it takes TWO YEARS for a marriage to recover from infidelity. Some take more, and some take less. Of course, that's when they can be recovered at all.

[Chump64]

She may be bluffing about the sex stuff (or that's me just wishing) but I wouldn't think she would bluff about divorcing. What woul be the point in that?

 

She may have said that b/c she is still hurt and angry about you stepping out on her. I've said some things to my close girlfriends that I didn't mean for them to take literally, while in 'venting' mode.

 

Also, ditto what LadyJane said. I am only about 2 months out from D-day, but I've heard it's very common to give serious consideration to divorce, even when reconciliation is going OK.

[magda]

I think she mentioned divorce in the email because it is still a definite possibility. I think you have a lot of damage control you need to do. She's practically emotionally checked out of the relationship because of years of mistreatment from you. But she's willing to work, so she is.

 

Honestly, it sounds like she stayed around through a lot of crappy treatment from you, she's obviously not one to give up too easily. It's up to YOU to give her a reason not to.

 

Be careful because for some reason you seem to be victimizing yourself in all this. That is probably not going to sit well with your wife. You finally get into therapy and suddenly the topic of discussion is HER possible infidelity? HER unsatisfaction with your sex life? HER friends? I sense fireworks on the horizon. You just focus on YOUR insecurity and what YOU'VE done wrong - like cheating and lying and snooping. Let her acknowledge her mistakes herself.

[HopefullHub]

It's only been 3 months or so since D-Day, is that right?

 

Yeah, about that. I don't expect her to be over it very soon, just trying to understand why she would throw that in there. I can comprehend the rage triggers...she's told me about times like that. Makes sense.

 

Forgot to mention, she told me last night she was invited to "wild girl's" house for a slumber\girl's night out party. That's how this whole e-mail thing started (except when regarding the party, others were CC'd on it.) I found out (legitimately) about it because I asked if she wanted to go away for the weekend before our actual anniversary. That kind of opened up the conversation from there.

 

I guess right now, I feel somewhat justified in how I'm monitoring things...and I don't see much upside in telling her, not right now. Definitely want to get my couselor's 2 cents.

[HopefullHub]

I think she mentioned divorce in the email because it is still a definite possibility. I think you have a lot of damage control you need to do. She's practically emotionally checked out of the relationship because of years of mistreatment from you. But she's willing to work, so she is.

 

Honestly, it sounds like she stayed around through a lot of crappy treatment from you, she's obviously not one to give up too easily. It's up to YOU to give her a reason not to.

 

Be careful because for some reason you seem to be victimizing yourself in all this. That is probably not going to sit well with your wife. You finally get into therapy and suddenly the topic of discussion is HER possible infidelity? HER unsatisfaction with your sex life? HER friends? I sense fireworks on the horizon. You just focus on YOUR insecurity and what YOU'VE done wrong - like cheating and lying and snooping. Let her acknowledge her mistakes herself.

 

That's a fair statement. Most of my therapy has been focused on myself, and I don't intend on making it all about her. Problems in our relationship has gone both ways (don't most?), so I wouldn't say I was victimizing myself. Just trying to repair the damage (without more being piled on.)

[catgirl1927]

Remember, there is a difference between ass-kissing and actual respect, and intelligent people have NO problem telling the difference.