l2hvn Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 It's official. The bf and I broke up last night over the phone, but I didn't even cry nor do I feel bad about it. I'm surprised. I guess I just had enough. I just realized how controlling and manipulative he can really be. He made me feel like sh*t. It was not a healthy relationship at all. He's too into himself (funny I should've listened to myself as that was what I thought of him from literally Day 1). One thing that's making me restless is that he didn't even give me a chance to say what I had to say about it last night. He blamed me for the demise of our relationship. And at one point, I really did believe it. But after I hung up the phone, I went, "wait a second. It's never just my fault." So should I even bother telling him how I really feel about him???
SmoochieFace Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 So should I even bother telling him how I really feel about him??? If you're not sad or distressed in any way over the breakup then why bother? Easier to just look ahead and move on. He seems like an ass anyway so you telling him anything more would be a waste of your time.
Author l2hvn Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 If you're not sad or distressed in any way over the breakup then why bother? Easier to just look ahead and move on. He seems like an ass anyway so you telling him anything more would be a waste of your time. He is a major jack@ss, yes. Although I do admit there were things I've said and done that wish I could take back. However, he still didn't have a right to treat me the way he did. He is the most egotistical person I know. It was all about him. The moment I try to say something, he'd squash it down and would refuse to listen. I guess I just want to bruise his HUMONGOUS ego, if just for once! I may never be able to have that chance again.
CaliGuy Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 It's official. The bf and I broke up last night over the phone, but I didn't even cry nor do I feel bad about it. I'm surprised. I guess I just had enough. I just realized how controlling and manipulative he can really be. He made me feel like sh*t. It was not a healthy relationship at all. He's too into himself (funny I should've listened to myself as that was what I thought of him from literally Day 1). One thing that's making me restless is that he didn't even give me a chance to say what I had to say about it last night. He blamed me for the demise of our relationship. And at one point, I really did believe it. But after I hung up the phone, I went, "wait a second. It's never just my fault." So should I even bother telling him how I really feel about him??? Nah, not worth your time unless it makes you feel better.
Author l2hvn Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 Nah, not worth your time unless it makes you feel better. It might...
SmoochieFace Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 It might... However, he may enjoy the attention he would get from your *bruising*. Best to not feed it and just move on. My rule is NC all the way. No looking back. Ever.
Author l2hvn Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 However, he may enjoy the attention he would get from your *bruising*. Best to not feed it and just move on. My rule is NC all the way. No looking back. Ever. Hmm... I was planning on picking up some things I have left (I could always replace those really) at his house and that before I step out the door, I was going to say something like: "You know, it takes two to make a relationship, and it also takes two to end a relationship. And I take responsibility for my part. But you also have to take responsibility in yours. It was never just my fault. And you know what, if you refuse to see that, if you refuse to recognize that, if you refuse to take responsibility for your actions, then you know what, you're going to end up old and miserable for the rest of your lives. Because nobody can ever put up with a HUGE ego like yours." Then I walk away. And never look back. What do you think?
SmoochieFace Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Hmm... I was planning on picking up some things I have left (I could always replace those really) at his house and that before I step out the door, I was going to say something like: "You know, it takes two to make a relationship, and it also takes two to end a relationship. And I take responsibility for my part. But you also have to take responsibility in yours. It was never just my fault. And you know what, if you refuse to see that, if you refuse to recognize that, if you refuse to take responsibility for your actions, then you know what, you're going to end up old and miserable for the rest of your lives. Because nobody can ever put up with a HUGE ego like yours." Then I walk away. And never look back. What do you think? I would get the stuff but avoid giving the *parting shot*. To me, doing that shows that you still care for him in a way. I dunno... but that's the way I would interpret it. Seems to me that if you're pointing out his flaws and their consequences to him you are somehow *helping* him and why would you want to *help* someone you don't care about? Just get your stuff and tell him "goodbye, have a nice life."
bluechocolate Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Just get your stuff and tell him "goodbye, have a nice life." Yep. Whatever you have to say to him about his faults or his part in the break up he's just not going to 'get' it. Egotists rarely ever do. And it will be interpreted as you still having the hots for him, guaranteed.
CaliGuy Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 It might... If it makes you feel better, do whatever you need to do to gain closure. After that I would recommend NC completely so that you can focus on yourself. NC isn't to woo anyone back, it's to competely and utterly focus on YOU and YOUR needs
pandnh4 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Hmm... I was planning on picking up some things I have left (I could always replace those really) at his house and that before I step out the door, I was going to say something like: "You know, it takes two to make a relationship, and it also takes two to end a relationship. And I take responsibility for my part. But you also have to take responsibility in yours. It was never just my fault. And you know what, if you refuse to see that, if you refuse to recognize that, if you refuse to take responsibility for your actions, then you know what, you're going to end up old and miserable for the rest of your lives. Because nobody can ever put up with a HUGE ego like yours." Then I walk away. And never look back. What do you think? although i have nothing to pick up at my ex's place, i really did want to tell her the same thing... that her lack of responsibility and continuous blaming of others for her problems would eventually lead to her downfall... also that she shows serious signs of a personality disorder and that she really needs to learn and grow a bit... of course, a pretty girl like her has her choice of men, but what half-way intelligent and mature guy would put up with her and her responses to conflict and stress? sooner or later everyone has to face some form of adversity or argument, even the best couples... despite how resentful i am towards her and how much i wanted to put her in her place, i resisted and am still holding back 3 weeks later... in theory it makes one feel good to have the last word but adding insult to injury isn't necessarily the solution... plus if they're so full of themselves then it won't matter what you say anyway... your story sounds way too familiar to mine... our breakup was over the phone after she flipped out again over coincidence and petty issue that i was willing to address anyway... she always blamed me, made me feel like i was bringing all the drama to the relationship, and continuously hurt me out of spite... when we finally did break up, i felt very indifferent for almost a week... i think it was just relief because i had spent so long just trying to make things work with her and cater to her needs and worries... then once the weekend hit i started feeling lonely and missing our times together, so there was a bit of a delay with the pain and sadness... started creeping up on me little by little... just be sure to make a list of all the things you liked and didn't like about your ex and be sure to journal your thoughts to let out the anger... i hope you feel better soon...
FunnyLookingWhiteGuy Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Sorry f butting in here as I am a newbie, but I've been thinking seriously about how we truly enter and exit relationships. e.g. I have know a guy whose wife is extremely abusive, and his wife's boyfriend (sic) pulled a gun on him.As I listened to him talk about it I kept noticing that the "audience" of his thoughts and ruminations was his wife. I pointed that out that, while not a bad thing, the fact is that for now his thoughts were still directed toward her - she was STILL his audience.I've been exploring this idea: Who your audience is, determines who you re still emotionally involved with. Anyone with an audience is dependant on that audience.Has anyone else noticed that when you think/talk about "ex-people" you are truly free from you tend to think of your "audience" as being a third party person or just yourself and you feel complete without the need to have that person hear or acknowledge anything you might think or say?_____ Have you noticed the feeling when someone claims to be free from a relationship, you may feel agree with them until their speech makes it clear they are still seeking an audience with that person - either in real life or in their mind?___I'm interested in your thoughts. I have been experimenting with periodically asking myself "who is my audience" or "who do I want to hear/acknowledge what I think/say about this? It does not change the feeling about the relationship, but seems to be an interesting indicator of my TRUE ATTACHMENT to the relationship no matter what my protestations may be.FunnyLookingWhiteGuy
Author l2hvn Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 although i have nothing to pick up at my ex's place, i really did want to tell her the same thing... that her lack of responsibility and continuous blaming of others for her problems would eventually lead to her downfall... also that she shows serious signs of a personality disorder and that she really needs to learn and grow a bit... of course, a pretty girl like her has her choice of men, but what half-way intelligent and mature guy would put up with her and her responses to conflict and stress? sooner or later everyone has to face some form of adversity or argument, even the best couples... despite how resentful i am towards her and how much i wanted to put her in her place, i resisted and am still holding back 3 weeks later... in theory it makes one feel good to have the last word but adding insult to injury isn't necessarily the solution... plus if they're so full of themselves then it won't matter what you say anyway... your story sounds way too familiar to mine... our breakup was over the phone after she flipped out again over coincidence and petty issue that i was willing to address anyway... she always blamed me, made me feel like i was bringing all the drama to the relationship, and continuously hurt me out of spite... when we finally did break up, i felt very indifferent for almost a week... i think it was just relief because i had spent so long just trying to make things work with her and cater to her needs and worries... then once the weekend hit i started feeling lonely and missing our times together, so there was a bit of a delay with the pain and sadness... started creeping up on me little by little... just be sure to make a list of all the things you liked and didn't like about your ex and be sure to journal your thoughts to let out the anger... i hope you feel better soon... OMG! Very similar to mine. It's always good to know I'm not the only one who's been in this situation and feel like this. I am very angry right now. I had no idea he could be this mean and nasty. I wish I knew out right. Why did he treat me like that? I don't deserve it. Why do people have to hurt other people in order to make themselves feel better?
pandnh4 Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 it's sad that people sink so low as to want to hurt another person... according to john gottman, the four horsemen that can destroy a relationship are criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, and contempt... when my ex and i started fighting towards the end of last november, she began to focus less on school; she ended up having a very poor quarter where she actually failed a class... whenever a fight would come up though, she would blame me for her problems with school... of course, when things were calm, she would accept that it was the arguing and fighting that distracted her but when we would actually fight again she said she never did poorly in school and that it was all my fault... sure, i made mistakes, said and did some regrettable things that probably contributed to the negative energy between us... if she had idealized before, then i probably did some damage to the pedestal myself... but idealization is, in itself, a flaw and she didn't help with her spiteful ways... when one can only idealize or devalue without acknowledging a grey area there will be problems because that person can not accept the fact that nobody is perfect (concept of *splitting* in psychology)... indeed our stories are very similar... what saddens me most is that my ex refused to accept responsibility, blamed me for the problems, and refused to get help when i was so desperately working on the relationship... i proposed counseling and therapy (to which she was firmly opposed), bought self-help books for both of us, tried to talk, and made a valiant effort to curb my anger and hostility even when she would verbally abuse me... it was so hopeless because i was really the only one trying...
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