Damned if I do. . .

[MadDog]

This past Friday, I broke up with my long distance girlfriend of over a year. It especially sucked because we really love each other. The reason I felt like I had to break up with her is as follows:

 

We argued all the time mostly because of her insecurity. She's always been very insecure throughout our relationship, always questioning whether I love her (even though I'd tell her literally 10+ times per day) and telling me how she felt I never really wanted to be on the phone with her (although we talked on the phone a minimum 1 hour per day no matter how tired I was and anywhere from 2-3 hours whenever we'd have an argument which was several times a week).

 

We would have been long distance (West Coast to Midwest) at least 3 years or so as we're both in professional school. I wouldn't have even minded the arguments if we could eventually be together except that I have this huge licensing exam coming up in the summer that will basically decide whether I will get into the field I want to do in my career in. If I don't do well, my options become much more limited. Talking at least 1 hour per night and 2-3 hours on a regular basis (whenever we argue and I have to talk her down) would have basically made it impossible for me to study enough for that exam.

 

We were never local (started out long distance) but everytime we got together (normally for 3-4 days but one time for a week straight), we'd be totally happy with basically no conflicts. I hate how I feel like I basically had to give that up so that we don't end up throwing away our careers arguing instead of studying.

 

The thing is, we were close friends before we even became a couple. I realize it might be hard for her to talk to me for a while but she basically told me if we aren't going to be togther, she doesn't want to ever hear from me again. I argued that we could at least try to be friends and maybe down the line there'd still be a chance we could be together. She wouldn't have any of it though. This all went down on Friday. She called me on Sunday to basically beg me to stay with her but I said it just wouldn't work out. She said we could just try harder but the fact is that we have been arguing like this since early in our relationship and we had been trying the whole time to make it so we get along better. I think the bottom line is that I can't give her the reassurances she needs over the phone and she really needs physical closeness that can't be had very often long distance.

 

I'm really tired of making sacrifices for my career. The studying a lot in undergrad was fine. The studying like crazy now is fine. Having to basically give up a chance for a loving relationship in the future really sucks. Assuming everything would have gone well once we were in the same town, I was ready to take the plunge and marry this girl and start a family. Now I don't think I'll ever hear from her again and all I've got left are my stupid books.

 

MD

[littlekitty]

I'm sorry you're hurting MD.

 

But I do want to congratulate you on being so clear headed, and putting your career and studying first. It's a very sensible decision to make. You have your whole life to find a girl and settle down.

 

You've done what you had to in order to have the future you desire. hard as it may have been, you did the best thing from the sounds of it.

 

I hope things get easier for you.

[bluechocolate]

You describe a very insecure girl who needs a lot of constant reassurance. I'm doubtful as to whether that would change even if you were in close proximity. I think you'd find that things would be great for a while & then those insecurities would bubble up & you'd be back to arguing daily, next door or next country.

 

(although we talked on the phone a minimum 1 hour per day no matter how tired I was and anywhere from 2-3 hours whenever we'd have an argument which was several times a week).

 

I'm surprised you stuck around for 3 years of this! I wouldn't have lasted 3 months.

 

Here's the thing - if someone truly loved you they would understand that studying right now is very important for you. They would understand that hours on the phone everyday is detrimental to that study. They would want & encourage you to succeed. They would help you to do that, even if that meant less time on the telephone.

 

Long distance relationships are hard in the best of circumstances. Harder if there isn't a definitive end to the distance part of the relationship. And almost impossible if one of you is so insecure that they require constant & daily assurances which lead to 2 to 3 hours of arguing several times a week. It sounds like you've already discovered that.

 

...always questioning whether I love her (even though I'd tell her literally 10+ times per day)

 

That, my friend, is just plain crazy!

[destination_unknown]

Im really sorry to hear that, I have never been in a long distance relationship so I dont know the complications that come with it.

 

It is very bad if you were arguing so much, it sounds like you were both spending more time arguing than enjoying the intimacy of a relationship of someone who knows you so well.

 

How long do you have left in school? It sounds from your post that you were together for a year but would still have three years of long distance to get through. I think long distance might be able to work for about a year or so, but only if you were seeing each other at least every two or so months.

 

You shouldnt HAVE to tell someone you love them 10 times a day, god most guys dont say it once a week!

 

You have made a decision that your career is your priority, but that does not mean that you should be left only with your books. If you want it to work maybe one of you could transfer? If thats not possible then you may both meet somebody closer to home. I think you both were being hard on yourselfs by depriving yourself of being with someone that you can see when you have free time.

 

Its possible that your exs insecurities would diminish if you were able to see each other on a regular basis, but its also possible that those insecurities are too deeply ingrained after a year of this that the pattern would not be broken even if you lived next door to each other.

 

Your ex is probably feeling to hurt to be your friend right now, she may want to be friends in the future or she may just get over it and move on.

 

To be honest, its a complicated situtation and if you feel in your heart that you have made the right decision then that is the right one. Give her some time to get over her hurt before you expect her to be your friend again.

[MadDog]

Thanks for everyone's support. It was hard for me to make the decision to break up but it makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who thinks I did the right thing.

 

She called me yesterday and she at least acknowledged that although it's not what she wants, being apart is probably the best thing for us. She didn't say one way or another though wether she'd be willing to remain friends but we'll have to see how that works out. I hope that in the future we'll have a chance to try out the relationship without the distance to see if it's the real deal. Until then it's just me and my books.

 

MD

[MadDog]

 

How long do you have left in school? It sounds from your post that you were together for a year but would still have three years of long distance to get through. I think long distance might be able to work for about a year or so, but only if you were seeing each other at least every two or so months.

 

I have 2 years and a few months before I'm done with "school" but I'll have several more years of training after that. We could potentially be in the same town in about 3 years if all goes well. We had been seeing each other on the average of every 2-3 months but it wasn't nearly enough to keep her insecurity at bay.

 

You shouldnt HAVE to tell someone you love them 10 times a day, god most guys dont say it once a week!

 

I know. I kind of believe that you shouldn't say "I love you" too often or else it starts losing its meaning. I'd rather say it when I'm really feeling it at the moment which would be relatively often if it's a good relationship, right? I definately don't like having to say it to reassure her which is what ended up happening.

You have made a decision that your career is your priority, but that does not mean that you should be left only with your books. If you want it to work maybe one of you could transfer? If thats not possible then you may both meet somebody closer to home. I think you both were being hard on yourselfs by depriving yourself of being with someone that you can see when you have free time.

 

Unfortunately transfering isn't really possible for either of us. We're pretty much stuck where we're at if we want to graduate. Honestly if this relationship completely ends (e.g. we don't talk at all anymore) I think I'll just remain single. It'd be nice to date and have a casual relationship but 95% of girls don't seem to be into that.

 

Its possible that your exs insecurities would diminish if you were able to see each other on a regular basis, but its also possible that those insecurities are too deeply ingrained after a year of this that the pattern would not be broken even if you lived next door to each other.

I've considered this several times and I concluded that might turn out to be the case but at least we'll have a legitimate chance to make it work out. If it remains an issue though and I don't get the trust I feel like I deserve, then yes, even local the relationship wouldn't work.

To be honest, its a complicated situtation and if you feel in your heart that you have made the right decision then that is the right one. Give her some time to get over her hurt before you expect her to be your friend again.

 

I know I can't expect her to just immediately be okay with being friends but I really hope she wants a friendship down the line. She was my best friend and if we can at least keep talking, we might also have a chance to be together eventually.

 

Thanks a bunch for your comments. They're a great help.

 

MD

[gfto]

You did the right thing. You and your career come first. It sounds like this relationship was doomed anyway. Long distance relationships generally don't work, because someone has to essentially drop everything and move. And, you definitely need to cut WAY back on your use of the L-word!!

 

You can't expect her to want to be friends though. Just let it go.