Guest Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 i have been with my boyfriend over a year and a half. this is my first real relatinship and i love him to death and wanna be with him forever. problem is he is a recovered alcoholic. he does not drink and he goes to his meetings and mostly just talks to the people in those meetings. i am 20. i am in college. i can not do any of the things normal college students do if it involves drinking, regardless of if i am or not. i dont party. but he does not even want me to get drunk with me a my girl friends at my house. i worry that when i turn 21 i am gonna want to go out and just have some fun...guys dont haev to be there but i know i am gonna want to go to drink wheni turn 21...and i think he would definiely break up with me if i did. he has gone back in forth saying it didnt matter if it was just girls and i was 21..and now saying he does not want to be in a relationship with somebdoy who drinks..period. i just don;t know if he is being copletely fair. cus i thought i was compromising. i dont have hardly any friends anymore becasue all they do is party and i cant be around them when they are even if i do not drink. and we are always just stuck just me and him together...cus i dont like his friends, and he does not like mine since they drink and can not go anywehre where there are people drinking. i love him and i used to think i could give up that lifestyle for him. and i could...but i feel like i am missing out for some reason lately... i just dont think it would hurt to drink maybe once every few months or so. and also its like he does stuff that i do not like but says i am being unreasonable os i have to deal with it...so i kinda feel like that in this situation...like ya its boethering him but its something that should not bother him. its just hard becasue i dont wanna miss out on anything. i dont want to be a party girl. but i guess i have never experienced the college years, and its starting to get to me. i wanna be with him...but is it possible ? i always thought we would be together forever, and i guess now i am having doubts if we are at the right place in our lives in order to be together. what worries me most is that i always thoguht wheni turned 21 i'd go out with my girlfriends and have a few ddrinks...not flirt with guys or anything, and now he is saying NO! be4 he would just kinda be like that would be ahrd but you could do that...i know this is confusing, but i am confused and dontknow what to do.
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 On the one hand it sounds like he's being quite unfair to you doesn't it? But then there's the crux of the matter... he's a recovering alcoholic. And he will be one for the rest of his life. Do you know how long he's been clean? Is this his first time clean? How much older is he than you? Perhaps at some point in the future he will be able to go to venues where people drink or be around people that drink. It would be a shame if he had to spend the rest of his life hiding away. *Perhaps Art_Critic could shed some light on this side of things* However, at the moment if that is what he needs to do to stay clean and sober then I think you have to accept that and support him 100% in it. Overcoming alcohol addicition must be very very difficult, and I would suggest that for his own health he's right to put that before everything else. It is a shame there can't be more of a compromise, I think you ought to be able to drink when you are not with him. But if he feels he needs to be with a non-drinker, then he's right to put that desire first for his own sake. I think you have to accept this and decide if you can commit to that, or if for both your sakes you should move on.
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 There are some thoughts I'm having here so bear with me... First of all 1.5 years means his recovery is still pretty fresh so I think he might be unsure of his own sobriety and how solid it is.. I am an Alcoholic that has been sober almost 19 years and I have no problems being with someone that drinks, Kissing someone that drinks or even going to bars.. Almost every GF I have ever dated drinks.. it is too hard to find a woman that drinks no alcohol whatsoever See I don't want to drink.. but if I did want to drink then being around it would drive me nuts and sure enough I would fall off the wagon.. I think that he wants to have a drink or he still has those cravings and it scares him to be around people that drink. I do think that if you are involved with him then you need to go to some Alanon meetings and that might help him and you.. It will also show him that you support him and that by you drinking it isn't a show of disrepect. His sobriety is the most important thing in his life and he needs to make the right decisions in his life that will sure up his foundation and if he thinks he needs to be around people that don't drink then by all means let him.. You may have to let him go in the end depending on how solid his sobriety is. Some of us have an easy go of it and some of us never stop the cravings. Hope I helped..maybe this gives you a little insight to what he might be thinking
catgirl1927 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Wow, this is a lot of really heavy stuff for someone your age to deal with. While I certainly am not saying that drinking is a necessary part of college or of having fun, I think he's confusing social drinking with problem drinking. It's like when people get out of rehab and get upset when someone takes an Advil. He has a problem, a BIG problem, that is so so hard for him to deal with, but it isn't YOUR problem. I can see someone saying, please don't drink in front of me, but for him to feel he has the right to dictate what you do when you are out with your friends is really controlling. I'm very interested in how much older he is than you...
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I agree with Art. I'm very very early in my recovery and I can't even go to functions at my office that involve drinking. I still want to drink. I can't be around people who are drinking because it's like an overwhelming urge. Lots of bad feelings come up. At this point I've been advised that it's better to be like this. For me, I don't know that I'll EVER be able to date someone that drinks alcohol. I've seen and experienced the devestation it caused to my life and on some level, I really hate alcohol. I hate it and I'm still at the point where I think it's an evil substance that should just not exist at all. But I'll get better - I hope. I don't think it's controlling. His very survival depends on his sobriety.
scobro Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I am an Alcoholic that has been sober almost 19 years This is what i never understood about alcoholics.I mean no disrespect to you by this question.If you have not drank in 19 years wouldn't that eliminate you as an alcoholic?This would mean people that drink are more effected by alcohol than yourself since you don't drink.It's almost like admitting it for life is a crutch. Alcoholics life are effected by alcohol so if you don't drink I would say you don't have to keep calling yourself an alcoholic. I would just say "I don't drink" as soon as you bring alcoholic in the sentence people start to judge you.What are your thoughts on this.
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Alcoholic's are taught to recognise that they are Alcoholic's for life. I presume it's part of the 12 step programme. Just because they stop drinking, as Art says, it doesn't necessarily stop the craving. Therefore the fact that Art isn't drinking now, doesn't mean he isn't still an Alcoholic. It means he's a sober one who is control his addiction. I do see the reason for your question though. To my knowledge, they don't say your a heroin addict for life, just until you kick it? Would be intersted in the reason for that? Or am I wrong?
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 This is what i never understood about alcoholics.I mean no disrespect to you by this question.If you have not drank in 19 years wouldn't that eliminate you as an alcoholic?This would mean people that drink are more effected by alcohol than yourself since you don't drink.It's almost like admitting it for life is a crutch. Alcoholics life are effected by alcohol so if you don't drink I would say you don't have to keep calling yourself an alcoholic. I would just say "I don't drink" as soon as you bring alcoholic in the sentence people start to judge you.What are your thoughts on this. Alcoholism is not about alcohol. It's about the alcoholic's whole lifestyle, beyond their relationship with alcohol. Thus the term "dry alcoholic" -- one who doesn't drink but hasn't received treatment, either.
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I do see the reason for your question though. To my knowledge, they don't say your a heroin addict for life, just until you kick it? Would be intersted in the reason for that? Or am I wrong? Actually, they do. You are a recovering addict for the rest of your life. You must be vigilant for the rest of your life to that tendency to want to escape and avoid. The impulse to medicate, with legal or illegal drugs, will always be there. Many people just substitute one addiction for another.
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Actually, they do. You are a recovering addict for the rest of your life. You must be vigilant for the rest of your life to that tendency to want to escape and avoid. The impulse to medicate, with legal or illegal drugs, will always be there. Many people just substitute one addiction for another. Ahhh I wondered if I might be wrong! It does makes sense to treat addiction that way. As you say, the impluse to escape via one method or another is likely to always be there.
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 This is what i never understood about alcoholics.I mean no disrespect to you by this question.If you have not drank in 19 years wouldn't that eliminate you as an alcoholic?This would mean people that drink are more effected by alcohol than yourself since you don't drink.It's almost like admitting it for life is a crutch. Alcoholics life are effected by alcohol so if you don't drink I would say you don't have to keep calling yourself an alcoholic. I would just say "I don't drink" as soon as you bring alcoholic in the sentence people start to judge you.What are your thoughts on this. None taken.. you don't have any knowledge of Alcoholism so you don't see things the way we do. One of my uncles used to believe that it was will power and that there is no such thing as a disease called alcoholism.. He used to offer me drinks at family gatherings to make fun of me.. After years of this treatment I had a heart to heart with him and told him how much it hurt me.. He went to a few Alonon meetings to try to understand what i was going thru and it changed our whole relationship..He and I now get along a lot better and he no longer offers me drinks in front of people to be mean. Once an Alcoholic always an Alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that means if I start drinking today it will be as if I had never quit.. My drinking within a very short time will be in a place as if I had never quit. We have a saying... One drink is too many and a thousand is not enough. It is the first drink that kills us Alcoholics and we can never drink again.. therefore I will always be an Alcoholic.... Just recovering
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 None taken.. you don't have any knowledge of Alcoholism so you don't see things the way we do. One of my uncles used to believe that it was will power and that there is no such thing as a disease called alcoholism.. He used to offer me drinks at family gatherings to make fun of me.. After years of this treatment I had a heart to heart with him and told him how much it hurt me.. He went to a few Alonon meetings to try to understand what i was going thru and it changed our whole relationship..He and I now get along a lot better and he no longer offers me drinks in front of people to be mean. Once an Alcoholic always an Alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that means if I start drinking today it will be as if I had never quit.. My drinking within a very short time will be in a place as if I had never quit. We have a saying... One drink is too many and a thousand is not enough. It is the first drink that kills us Alcoholics and we can never drink again.. therefore I will always be an Alcoholic.... Just recovering Brilliantly explained. I hope my sloppy attempt at an insight/answer wasn't too bad/didn't offend. Subject close to the heart that I'm eager to understand more.
catgirl1927 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Looking at it that way (I apologize, I don't know that much about alcoholics either so I'm glad I know more now) maybe what needs to happen is you need to decide if drinking is something you can give up forever in order to be with him.
Art_Critic Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Ahhh I wondered if I might be wrong! It does makes sense to treat addiction that way. As you say, the impluse to escape via one method or another is likely to always be there. I have to watch all things in my life.. some things it doesn't matter that I use with addiction because they are not harmful to me Gambling.. I have never had trouble but i know i have to watch myself.. Nicotine ( skoal ).. I abused it most of my life.. and quit a few years ago Caffeine.. ( 2 pots of coffee or 6-7 cokes a day ) I abused it and quit about 1.5 years ago.. Chocolate is my newest addiction .. Well that and LS
littlekitty Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I have to watch all things in my life.. some things it doesn't matter that I use with addiction because they are not harmful to me Gambling.. I have never had trouble but i know i have to watch myself.. Nicotine ( skoal ).. I abused it most of my life.. and quit a few years ago Caffeine.. ( 2 pots of coffee or 6-7 cokes a day ) I abused it and quit about 1.5 years ago.. Chocolate is my newest addiction .. Well that and LS Yep LS is one of my addictions. Think you should be ok with Choc Art!! I have to recognise I have an addicitive personality too. But I've gleaned a great deal from reading your posts on this subject matter. It's very useful and much appreciated. Good to know I'm not the only person to have a Coca-Cola addiction!! I must drink gallons of the stuff...!
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