uni Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 hello all : ) ok, i know many many people have asked you all the question, "should i stay or go" but i want to ask it again. Ive been with my girlfriend for 2years 7months. Within a week we believed we were soulmates, and I was never happier. But back in november I found out she had cheated on me, real proper cheating with multiple sessions of sex. Thing is I new she had kissed this guy since october, but I tried to forget it, i just didnt want to thing about it, because then it mightn't have been real. But things were always strange since then, she would be moody etc. And when i would ask what was wrong she would make up pathetic excuses, i even finally asked was someone trying to 'tempt her away' she said that was the last thing that was happening. And I believed her. After I found out that she had really cheated, i waited to talk about it for a few days till we went to our student house for university, she cried when i said i couldnt stay with her anymore, and i felt so sorry for her, all the anger went away, she said she didnt know why she did it and she loved me etc. We stayed together, i felt like i had given in or something, or that things would be too awful because we still had to live together. A few times i thought maybe it would be ok. But ever since then I thought about it non stop, and to make matter worse, she actually still talks and texts this guy (he works with her and have been normal friends for over a year) when i asked her why she keeps tormeting me and reminding me by doing this she just says he's going through things and needs her help, and one time she said "because he's the only one that doesnt look at me judgingly" We have had good times since finding out, we had a great chrismas, but noone else knows, and they all love her and think shes great, and i actually find myself hating her sometimes, but i like to think i love her more. That is my story, i hope you we'rent too bored and appreciate what yous think.
scarletletter Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I think the question would be, how did you find out? Did she tell you or did someone else? If she didn't tell you, would it still be going on? Did it stop only because you found out? Very tough situation to be in with them working together. Can you still trust her?
Chump64 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 If she's serious about staying with you, she needs to establish "no more contact, forever" -- immediately. No more texting or other BS. And quit feeling sorry for her. I did that at first when my spouse broke down, but I've gotten over it by thinking about all the times he deceived me. I no longer try to comfort him for his grief over the chaos and tragedy he has wrought. It's just not possible for me, when I look back to all the crap he has pulled. You both sound young and student-ish. That suggests her job / career is not set in stone yet. She needs to get a new job in a new location so she doesn't see this person daily. Make that a condition for staying together. Give her a list of conditions. If she won't agree, pack her stuff and put it on the curb / change the locks. In my opinion, the "how" of how you found out is not as important as Scarlet suggests, if she is walking the walk. (But it sounds like she is not -- she needs to permanently end all contact with him; if she can't do that, you gotta let her go. Make a list of requirements for her to adhere to from this point forward. If she can't do it / won't do it, that's a big red flag for you, pal.) My husband lied to me repeatedly until I could produce real evidence to confront him. I may never forgive him for that. But I am willing to try. However, had he not cut her off on D-Day (the day I confronted him), and done everything possible (from that point onward) to save the marriage, I would not be trying and he'd be gone. Many betrayed spouses are relieved to be busted -- relieved to quit living a double life. That's what I am hearing right now, and so far, I believe it, for the most part. But I am not foolish enought to think that means he will be forever faithful. Good luck to you.
HopefullHub Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I agree, no more contact. That should be a given, but sometimes the maturity to realize that just isn't there. Plus it's a sign that she respects you and values you more than him (and if she doesn't...well, there you go.)
reservoirdog1 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Her continuing to have contact with the OM for ANY reason is unfair to you. And she'll continue to have contact with him until you lay down the law. The law should be, she gets you in her life, or him. NOT both. Who gives a shyt if he's going through some "difficult personal stuff"? Not your problem. And if she wants to be with you, it can't be her problem either. If she fights you on this -- or continues to contact him on the sly after agreeing not to -- then I suggest you dump her and find somebody with a conscience.
greenshift Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Who is more important to her - him, or you? If it's you, she'll stop talking to this guy, and maybe you can start to heal the damage. It its him, then it's better you find out now.
Author uni Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 Thank you all for your replies, some things have changed since i wrote here. Just lastnite she told me that she told him they can't be friends anymore, i thought that wouldve help things, but its not, maybe im feeling its too little too late. Then just this morning she told me that in fact he thought we had broken up after they kissed and thought so until i found out about it all and thats when she told him we were actually still together. Thats really messing things up, because i hated him for all those weeks, but now maybe i shouldnt, he was lied to just like me, and i dont know who she is now. She keeps maintaining that she still wants us, but doesnt really answer when i ask about the future. But I still really love her, almost annoyingly so.
catgirl1927 Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Are you sure you love her? Maybe you love the person you thought she was, instead of who she actually is.
Author uni Posted March 7, 2006 Author Posted March 7, 2006 i know, you may be right, shes not the same person anymore, but i think i'm afraid to give up too early, noone else has ever made me happier, i just want that back.
Author uni Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 Thank you to all the people that gave me advice a few months ago about this problem, I just thought i'd let you know that I ended it a week ago after finding out she was still cheating on me, I think I'm too numb to get angry over it anymore, but it still hurts, twice as much now. But hey I probably got a lucky escape, but I always thought we were soulmates. thanks to you all again.
Trimmer Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Very sorry to hear of your loss, but glad to hear you have learned enough of the truth to make a decision about your future. It's cold comfort, but better now than later... Treat yourself well; it feels terrible, but it will get better.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I was going to suggest you two go to couples therapy...But I see things didn't work out. I wish you all the best. I'm sorry you got your heart broken by someone you loved so deeply.
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