Chump64 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 We had a counseling session today and were discussing the fact that my husband never thought he would have to face the possibility of losing his wife and family life. He said he lived a double life and never thought he would get caught. I said I found it distasteful that someone would base their morals on what they think they can get away with, without being caught. The counselor raised the notion that some people have immature values systems. Sort of like stunted emotional maturity, or even delays in intellectual development. At some point in their lives, and for whatever reason, their values on certain topics just cease to mature. I thought this was an interesting perspective to consider. I know a few posters here, in recent days, had asked about how cheaters could risk their families, etc., for the thrill of an affair. This is just one theory worth considering.
bluechocolate Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 It is interesting & probably applicable to some, but my immediate thoughts were - then why would they feel the need to keep it a secret? By doing so they're showing that, whatever maturity level their values are at, they know right from wrong. I would just be careful that this doesn't get used as a justification.
Author Chump64 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 That's the maddening thing about infidelity -- there is no justification that can satisfy your mind. You either accept that it happened and move on, it or you dump the spouse. I just thought it was an interesting notion. When you are in this situation, and you thought your marriage was good, trying to comprehend an affair is like walking in a blinding snowstorm. Nothing makes sense, there are no landmarks, etc. So any possible theory that makes a glimmer of sense is almost a relief. But that justifies nothing and takes no responsibility away from the cheater.
Dora Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 it has nothing to do with the person's moral or maturity, it's more about selfishness. having family and stable life is one thing, but there are too many excitements and new experiences some people are not willing to lose. Affairs always bring the person something new and exciting, something a spouse is not able to provide: the Freshness, the uncertainty, the adventure... Even wife is like his favorite Dish, he just cant eat the same thing everyday, he wants different flavors... that's how some men are.
Author Chump64 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 Affairs always bring the person something new and exciting, something a spouse is not able to provide: the Freshness, the uncertainty, the adventure... I might buy this except that my husband had a 10 year affair with the same person. and
catgirl1927 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I've always wondered if cheaters don't somehow think that rules don't apply to them. I think cheating is the most hurtful and humiliating thing you can do to someone, so I can't imagine there is no spite on the part of the cheater.
Author Chump64 Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 I think they believe that some rules don't apply to them, or that some rules are ok to break (esp. if they don't get caught). In my husband's case, he is a rule man on almost everything. He is very anal and 'by the book' on most things in life. This is the first time he's shown any real selfishness or entitlement. It would be easier to comprehend if he'd been acting like a self-centered rat b*stard to my face, but he completely hid that side.
SueBee3490 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I think they believe that some rules don't apply to them, or that some rules are ok to break (esp. if they don't get caught). In my husband's case, he is a rule man on almost everything. He is very anal and 'by the book' on most things in life. This is the first time he's shown any real selfishness or entitlement. It would be easier to comprehend if he'd been acting like a self-centered rat b*stard to my face, but he completely hid that side. Exactly Chump! I said in other posts that my H also was good to me. I thought I had found one in a million guy when I found him. As others have said, there is something "missing" from the relationship and that is why the person strays. What about those of us who aren't told what's missing? Or if the person acts like everything is ok between the two of you so you have no reason to suspect anything is wrong? My H accused me of cheating and would get very angry just thinking I might be sc***ing behind his back. I wasn't of course and I just thought he was in love with me and since his ex cheated, he was acting out thinking I would hurt him too. I didn't put 2 & 2 together and think he is the one cheating but is feeling guilty so trying to pin it on me! If he had acted like a b*stard to my face maybe I would have questioned him cheating but he didn't. Chump, we must have alot in common and that's why I was totally blindsided by finding this out about my H. I thought we were happy but obviously he wasn't. Just to show what an b*stard my H is, when all his cheating came out, he actually told me one time that he had the phone # of one of these women that he had seen and sc***ed in his glove box in his pickup. He said I could have looked in there and found that number because I did drive his truck ocassionally for different reasons. Do you know that since I had no reason to think he was cheating, guess what? I didn't even think to look in his glove box because I didn't know there was anything in there that I should be looking for! How's that for an SOB?
silktricks Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I think cheating is the most hurtful and humiliating thing you can do to someone, so I can't imagine there is no spite on the part of the cheater. I think often cheating is based on two things: 1. Deep seated anger at your spouse about something - whether real or imagined. 2. Equally deep seated anger at yourself. I believe there is a pretty healthy dose of self-destruction involved - therefore item 2.
Author Chump64 Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 SueBee, we do have a lot in common, unfortunately. Speaking of SOBs, my husband lied to me for a long time after my initial suspicions, so he could keep getting laid and not pay the piper. That will be one of my biggest obstacles. Silktricks, no offense, but I think you are simplifying things. There are millions of reasons why people cheat, and the reasons are not the same for every individual.
silktricks Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Silktricks, no offense, but I think you are simplifying things. There are millions of reasons why people cheat, and the reasons are not the same for every individual. That was why I used the word often -- I think often anger is a component.
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