krislov Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Hi, I am new at this so bare with me! Ok this is how my story goes: I have been married for 7 years. I have been with my H for 9 years total and we have 2 beautiful boys together ages 4 & 7. For the last 4-5 years my H has discovered his love for fishing and hunting and this takes majority of all his spare time outside of work leaving none for me and the boys. And of course I have complained to him about this and he has told me that I needed to pick up a hobby. And he did not understand that the times that he is not out fishing or hunting I would like to spend that time with him and the boys instead of picking up a hobby. But anyway to move along, after dealing with this for the past 4-5 years I decided (with the help of a friend) about 6 months ago ok I will start doing other stuff. So at night is usually the only time he is home so I went out with my mother-in-law a few times to a local nightclub and danced and it was ok but not really my thing. Then I decided to go to a bar with my aunt and I really liked. And I started hanging out with some old friends and developing new ones, and this has been going on now for about the last 3 or so months and a few weeks back we had a huge blow out argument because I went to a movie with a group of friends and then we went mid-night bowling which he says I did not tell him we were going bowling but I did. But anyway, it was a really bad argument we didn't speak to one another for a few days and then when we finally did talk he told me that he didn't like me going out and that he doesn't trust me. And I told him you know you tell me to find something to do because pretty much you didn't want to be bothered with doing it with me and when I do you tell me I chose the wrong thing to do. So now he wants to be with me and try to make things work out and he wants us to start spending time together and as a family with the boys. But now my question is I am wondering if it is too late. Because I don't want that attention from him now all I want to do is be with my kids and when I am not I want to be with my friends and yes there is a certain someone who hangs around with us whom I am starting to develope feelings for so I imagine this has something to do with it. But I guess what I am truely wondering is after this has happened and the longing to be and spend time with my husband is now gone will it ever come back? Because to me it looks like we are headed for splitsville and I am truely scared of that but I know I can't have my cake and eat it too. Thanks for any advice any of you can give!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Your best bet is to start reading information regarding the marital relationship, and to give some consideration to 'saving your marriage' as your new "hobby". The reason why you're having trouble recommitting to the marriage is that you're enjoying yourself. Going out to bars and hanging out with your friends...that's all fun stuff. Additionally, you're getting a little pick-me-up for your self-esteem in the form of another guy paying attention to you. That's all difficult to give up. But I assure you....your husband didn't just fall off the turnip truck. He knows all about other guys and he knows EXACTLY what they're after. You're a grown woman, a wife and a mother. YOU should already know what those other guys are after too. It's not all about the scintillating conversation and that's for sure. Hunting and fishing are not the equivalent of 'hanging out in bars' in terms of developing a hobby...and it's somewhat disingenuous of you to present it as your arguement. No doubt, you'd feel the same way as your husband if he was pulling that one on you. Imagine if you will, him going out frequently in the evenings to places where people 'hook up' while YOU sit home and wonder. It's not too difficult to 'walk a mile' in his shoes on this. It's clear that your ENs (emotional needs) are not being met within the marriage. That would explain why you're seeking outside of it for emotional connections. Your best course would be to identify your ENs as well as those of your husband...and then to work towards fulfillment of them at home. The alternative is not just your marriage at stake....it's the entire family dynamic and the future of your children. It's certainly worthy of your time to consider all possible solutions in repairing your relationship. To continue on your current course will most likely result in disaster. Here's a booklist for you: Not Just Friends by Glass The Five Love Languages by Chapman His Needs / Her Needs by Harley It would also be wise to seek out Marriage Counseling at this time. Sometimes it helps to have a third party analyze the relationship and give you some input.
Billy Bob Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I agree with Ladyjane14, sounds like the same kind of stuff my wife tried to pull. All I can say is that hanging out at bars and nightclubs is not the same as spending hobby time with same sex friends. Your husband is now making the effort now to spend time with you and the kids, start reconnecting. Speaking from experience here, this offer will only last so long before the sh&t hits the fan if you continue hanging with your new "friends" and you will be looking at divorce papers. I bet your "friends" are all single or divorced?Take him up on the offer, start spending time as a family and get some marriage counceling. It won't be too fun when your divorced, saddled with kids with no time for extra-curricular activities.
Author krislov Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 I thank you both for the advice and will check into some of the books you listed for me. As for "hanging out in bars" I did not clarify myself in my previous post about that. I went a couple times with my mother-in-law and my aunt but do not go now. I do not like the bar scene at all. When i am with my friends we are all at one or the others house and usually watch movies or play video games. Majority of them are single or divorced though and I do see your point on that. But I wanted to clarify that I was not going somewhere people usually "hook up" I do understand that that is not a place for a married woman or man and no I would not like it at all if he were doing that either. When he goes fishing and hunting it is usually mixed with males and females some married some single some divorced. i do hunt and have gone with him some but he doesn't seem to really want me there because he says thats his alone time. And I have asked him multiple times to join me and my friends in watching a movie one night or just come and hang out with us and him get to know them but he will not. Therefore the way I am seeing things is that he wants to be able to have his same sex, opposite sex, single, and married friends around but doesnt want me to have mine. I do feel that I am feeling that little bit of freedom and getting some attention and it both feels good but I do not think it will be worth it in the end, but I do not know if I can go back and reconnect in this marriage. I know it is worth a fight and I am trying. I just don't know if I can get what we had back or not.
dgiirl Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 First off, let me commend you for coming here and being completely honest. It takes a lot of courrage to write what you did, and openly receive the feedback without getting defensive. I am concerned tho about this new "friend" and I think that friendship is starting to cloud your judgement. Right now, you're starting to feel the rush and infatuation of a new relationship, and it's really hard to be see through that. And I think that is making you doubt your ability to reconnect with your husband. However, you have to keep in mind that those feelings will eventually fade just as I'm sure they did with your current relationship. It takes a lot of effort and work to keep a romantic relationship alive and even if you DO pursue a relationship with this new guy, you'll be faced with the same problems in 5-10 years from now. I think the best course of action for you right now is to stop seeing this new friend of yours and get you and your husband into counselling. Right now, you dont know the fate of your marriage, and in order for you to make an informed decision you need to get rid of all the obstacles (ie new friend) and get a third party involved (counselling) that can help you and your husband resolve some of your current problems (ie him having his own life, but you not having your own). You _both_ need to start paying attention to this marriage and bring your lives back together. I know it's not "fair" that your husband is paying attention only after you start having your own life, but sometimes life isnt fair and we have to be the bigger person and let some things from our past go. Dont worry too much about not knowing if you can reconnect. Right now, your job is to simplify your life from the current distractions and to get the help to be able to make an informed decision. Regardless of the course of action you end up taking, you will be glad that you did everything possible to save the marriage, and if it ends up not being saveable, atleast you can walk away with knowing you honestly tried!
greenshift Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 The two previous posts contain some excellent advice - I hope you take it to heart. A few notes: 1. You don't want to give up you alone time and contact with this new (cough) "Friend." Honey, he ain't just a friend or you wouldn't have brought him up, and if you're developing feelings for him, you need to get as far away from him as possible, for your kids sake if nothing else. This has the potential to royally screw the rest of what could be a very happy little life. 2. Your husband has fun on his trips the same way that you have fun with your friends. He felt the same thing you're feeling now when you asked him to give it up. Bottom line - you both are emotionally distant from each other and growing more so by the day. I'm not saying he was justified (and neither are you) but put yourself in his shoes before you start being (and I'm sorry for the term) self-righteous. And, finally: Your question : too little, too late? Your answer: Do you love him? Even if you're not sure (you're probably pretty mad at him and a little confused right now), do you love your kids enough to make an honest go at repairing this mess? It's not about him, or you, or who's right, or who hurt whom more. You can't afford to be focused entirely on your self in this situation. For the immediate future at least, you need to stop hanging out with the so-you're-married-what's-the-big-deal crowd (because they really can't understand what you're going through, and the divorced ones are always full of COLOSSALLY UNIMAGINABLY BAD ADVICE) and he needs to take a break from the hunting trips so you two can reconnect. Counselling is a must. The good news is it sounds as if it's not too late to fix this. If you've slept with the other guy, stop, and STOP SEEING HIM IN ANY CONTEXT - this is an absolute MUST. If you haven't slept with him, don't. Swallow your pride and focus on what's important - your family, your kids, and yes, your marriage. Things can be better. Sometimes it takes a wake-up call to kick things into high gear, but they can be better, maybe even wonderful. Good luck.
Author krislov Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 Thank you all for the advice. I will really take this to heart and try to save my marriage. Just for curious minds, I have not splet with my "friend" nor do I plan to I am not the cheating type. I am planning on devoting all my extra time to my marriage and my kids for a while and then when things either get worked out or we find that they can't get worked out I will then have my alone time and hang out with my friends but until then I think my best bet is to dedicate myself right now to my family and give it a chance! Thank you all again for this helpful advice!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 I am planning on devoting all my extra time to my marriage and my kids for a while and then when things either get worked out or we find that they can't get worked out I will then have my alone time and hang out with my friends but until then I think my best bet is to dedicate myself right now to my family and give it a chance! Good to hear, Krislov. I think you'll have a much greater opportunity for success when you're redirecting your energy INTO the marriage in a more conscious way. That said, there are a few pitfalls that may possibly discourage you. Sometimes folks attack a problem in different ways or at a different pace. It's hard to feel like you're making progress if YOU are the one who seems to be doing all the work. What helps with that is to recognize that this is largely a matter of perception. You can't feel your partner's feelings....so you're left to make an educated guess at possible motives for what he says and does. This is why your husband needs to be communicating with you in a way that helps you avoid misinterpretation of his feelings, and vice versa. Your need here seems to be for 'emotional connection', and you can't feel connected with him if you don't feel prioritized in his life....if you can't attribute the motives for his actions in a positive light as love and care. When he takes off for his "me time" and leaves you holding the bag with the kids at home....he's sending you a message. Your interpretation of it becomes THE TRUTH at an emotional level. If you're secure in the knowlege that YOU are of the utmost importance in your partner's life...it's easy to give him all the "me time" he wants. You can give it like a gift and wish him joy in it. But when you're feeling underprioritized, as if you were a servant in the relationship...you feel like your good nature is being abused. All in all, it's great that you are redirecting your energies...but your success will ultimately depend on your husband doing the same. You'll need to utilize every method at your disposal in order to make him understand the necessity for him to 'get in the game' and bring 100% to it. Both of you must have your ENs identified and met within the relationship. There will be times when you'll need to be patient. The necessity of fulfilling your partner's ENs is an obsure concept for some folks to wrap their minds around. And there can be a tendancy to minimize the importance of it. But when each of you is treating your partner's needs as if they were your own...it makes it easier for BOTH of you to feel valued in the relationship. So it follows that when you feel valued by your partner, you're much more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt when problems in communication arrive. The bottom line is that your efforts will need to be MUTUAL at some point in order to be truly successful. Your challenge will be to pull out all the stops...one by one...until your husband gets on board, as well as to utilize a certain amount of patience in the process.
tonyp56 Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Krislov, I am glad to hear that you will give your marriage a chance. One thing I would suggest, you and your husband need to sit down and discuss what each of you like and dislike. For instance, him hunting and fishing, could you possibly like camping? Or hiking or some other activity that could go along with fishing and hunting so that your entire family could go out and your husband could get some fishing and/or hunting done at the same time? Why I ask is because maybe you two should figure out something that both of you and your kids can do as a family together. Away from everyday life, away from friends, family, etc... None of you should have hobby's that only involve yourself, your husband, or your kids, all hobby's should involve all of you. Of course, you and your husband need alone time, but your husband--nor you--should not spend more time away from each other than you do with each other. Good luck, I hope you and your husband work things out.
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