brokenherted Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Just some thougths about if to tell the OM's wife. Let me know if you have more reasons for or against. **** Pro telling the other man's wife **** * Puts pressure on the affair to end. If he has his wife on his back and/or problems at home he will not have the same time/opportunity to pursue my wife. * Justice Whilst it is my wife who has betrayed me of her own choosing this OM still broke the sanctity of marriage (mine and his own). I do not feel it fair that he should walk away without any consequences to his actions. * To find the truth Perhaps by talking to his wife, maybee after she has confronted him I may learn more about what actually happened. I believe my wife is still lieing to me. * "She deserves to know" I think most people would rather know than live a lie. * Chance for them to save their marriage for the sake of the children. As affairs happen for a reason. If it is revealed and they both want to they can work on the reasons why and improve/save their marriage. Whereas if it is not revealed the reasons remains and it will only happen again. **** Against telling the other man's wife **** * Affect on the children Could I even in a very very small way be partly responsible for causing two children to grow up in a broken home. Do I want that responsibity ? (Aparantly in this case one of the children has a heart condition - but this could be a lie by my wife to put me off saying anything) * Someone else (his wife) will experience the hurt I feel **** Other thoughts **** I have taken this quote from another thread " To paraphrase Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Think about the message you gave to the OM when you did not tell his wife on how he cheated, put her health at risk for STD's and almost destroyed your marriage. The message from both of you by not saying anything is that apparently it is acceptable for him to continue to hurt his wife and continue to attempt to destroy other marriages without consequences. The message you gave him is that again apparently he could screw your wife behind your back as much as he wanted and you would accept his disrespect and humiliation toward you and never say anthing to his wife. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? What a message you have sent him. "
Chump64 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I would need an outstanding reason NOT to tell the cheating partner's spouse, in your situation. Even looking at your list, the pros far outweigh the cons. You would in no way be responsible for any fallout that affected the children. They can thank their straying parent for that -- 200 percent. In my case, I did not directly tell the OW's husband, but I told her in an email that I would not keep her secret for her, as much as I hated to see her husband hurt. I said, "I hope you have the decency to tell him before I do." She told him the same day and I followed up by sending a paper copy of that particular email to her husband at his office. Word of caution: Lately, a lot of people here at Loveshack are harping on the use of work email to send affair material or affair-busting material. While I think the risk is pretty small that anyone would get fired for that alone, it is never a bad idea to use a non-work based email to send this type of stuff out. I did this to protect myself just in case. So if you use email to send any communications, and you are at work, take 2 minutes to set up a Hotmail / Yahoo (whatever) account.
THX2000 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Just some thougths about if to tell the OM's wife. Let me know if you have more reasons for or against. **** Pro telling the other man's wife **** * Puts pressure on the affair to end. If he has his wife on his back and/or problems at home he will not have the same time/opportunity to pursue my wife. * Justice Whilst it is my wife who has betrayed me of her own choosing this OM still broke the sanctity of marriage (mine and his own). I do not feel it fair that he should walk away without any consequences to his actions. * To find the truth Perhaps by talking to his wife, maybee after she has confronted him I may learn more about what actually happened. I believe my wife is still lieing to me. * "She deserves to know" I think most people would rather know than live a lie. * Chance for them to save their marriage for the sake of the children. As affairs happen for a reason. If it is revealed and they both want to they can work on the reasons why and improve/save their marriage. Whereas if it is not revealed the reasons remains and it will only happen again. **** Against telling the other man's wife **** * Affect on the children Could I even in a very very small way be partly responsible for causing two children to grow up in a broken home. Do I want that responsibity ? (Aparantly in this case one of the children has a heart condition - but this could be a lie by my wife to put me off saying anything) * Someone else (his wife) will experience the hurt I feel **** Other thoughts **** I have taken this quote from another thread " To paraphrase Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Think about the message you gave to the OM when you did not tell his wife on how he cheated, put her health at risk for STD's and almost destroyed your marriage. The message from both of you by not saying anything is that apparently it is acceptable for him to continue to hurt his wife and continue to attempt to destroy other marriages without consequences. The message you gave him is that again apparently he could screw your wife behind your back as much as he wanted and you would accept his disrespect and humiliation toward you and never say anthing to his wife. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? What a message you have sent him. " I stuggled with that very same dilemma when I found that my EX was cheating on me with a much older married man. I honestly was worried about what the woman would say and how it would affect her life and the life of their children. Who gives a damn how it will affect the OM? I ended up telling the wife and she assured me it was the right thing to do and she thanked me for it. I would tell the wife and provide her with any and all proof you have so that she can clean him out in the divorce. I did and the guy got totally worked over by her - felt pretty good as much as I hate to say that.
Chump64 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 The OW's spouse (in my case) thanked me as well, for finding this out and forcing his wife's hand at confession. He said he would always consider me a friend.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 The way I see it, there are only two types of reasons for telling the OM's wife: the good reasons, and the neutral reasons. Whatever effect it has on the wife or OM's kids will not be your fault. He's already damaged or destroyed the family. They just don't know about it yet. The worst you'll be is the bearer of bad news. I got the "you'll be wrecking his marriage" bullshyt from WXW. The problem was, that was a few years ago now and I swallowed it and never called OM's wife. Wouldn't make that mistake again.
harleygirl92156 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 In my case I had to decide whether to tell the other woman's husband. In the end I didn't. There were several reasons. First, I didn't want to put my husband in danger, he is the kind that could go off. Second, I just couldn't be responsible for causing someone else pain, if the good Lord wants him to find out how his wife acts, he will find out. Third, I didn't want the crisis to drag my husband through the dirt even more. He is working hard to clean up his reputation and another dirty crisis wouldn't help that. What I did do was tell the other woman if she so much as spoke one word to my husband and I found out about it (and I would I have friends that work with them and watch) I would immediately tell her husband and take the evidence I have including a taped recording of my husbands confession. We were recently at a company function that she was in charge of and although my husband was standing right beside her, she hollered across the room to ask me a question she could have ask him. She got the message and I doubt she will be a problem again. I think it is more interesting to let them THINK you might spill their secret to their spouse than to actually do it. That way they are constantly on edge, afraid and live in fear. You get them without hurting the spouse. Evil? maybe, but worked for me.
Chump64 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 I contemplated that as well, Harleygirl. In the end, I thought it was best that he knew. I know the man and I was pretty sure he wouldn't go off half cocked. He is fairly prominent in the community and doesn't want word to get out about this. Plus I thought the OW deserved to have to face him with her misdeeds.
SunnyFL Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 Thank you for listing the Pros and Cons. I am struggling with the same decision and I think I will tell the OW's husband. I have another "Pro telling the other spouse" reason: Your cheating spouse will realize that other innocent persons can get hurt by an affair and it may make your spouse think twice before embarking on another affair.
Lennox Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I think if it was a one time thing, a spur of the moment mistake...I wouldn't tell the spouse. Some people can have a one time thing and then realize they made a horrible mistake. I would imagine that if I had done such a thing...I'd be feeling so guilty about it that I would treat my husband extra nice because I would have a lot of compassion for him since he's the innocent spouse. Not that I don't try to treat him good now...I just think that such an experience would humble me greatly because I would have to suffer with the guilt alone. No way would I put something like that on him...it's not fair. Now an ongoing affair needs to be revealed. No one should have to live a whole life based on an ongoing lie. Making a mistake is one thing...going back and making that same mistake over and over is just plain evil.
sylviaguardian Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 Just another POV: my husband had a long-term affair with a work colleague. I wanted so many times to tell her husband but never did. Why? I was absolutely 100% clear in my mind why I wanted to do it: I wanted her to suffer like I had, I wanted her to be humiliated and for her friends and family to judge her. There was no other reason. That's why I didn't do it. I knew I would have been doing it out of revenge and that would have just kept that woman in my life. What happens to her is not of any consequence to me, it will not change my circumstances. I decided to just walk away and to this day I don't have any real regrets.
Blind Illusion Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 There was no other reason. That's why I didn't do it. I knew I would have been doing it out of revenge Wow, I am impressed. Very much so. I had wondered as I read this thread earlier if that (revenge or retaliation) was sometimes the underlying motive but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. Especially as I can completely understand the feeling of wanting to lash back. I guess that is what makes it impressive on your part that you looked behind that gut feeling to see what was really the driving force. That"s really difficult to do when you are amid an emotionally charged situation like that. You must be someone that is very much in touch with your feelings.
Chump64 Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 I'll be honest -- when I knew there was crap going on, but I could not yet confront / was waiting for clear-cut proof, I was truly miserable. (Especially since I had confronted him with some small amount of evidence earlier and he had lied to me.) I found some comfort in knowing that some day, they would both have to face reality, look their spouses in the eyes and explain why they did what they did. Of course, they also had the option to leave and walk away from it all with no explanation. Neither my husband nor the OW chose that. So why shouldn't they face the truth, with regard to their spouses? I can think of no good reason. Is that revenge / retaliation? Or is it justice, plain and simple? I guess it depends on how you spin it or how you perceive it. When someone violates your trust / your relationship, and is involved in violating someone else's marriage as well, is it 'revenge' to want them to face the music? What is so wrong with asking my husband to take responsibility for his actions, and to let the OW's spouse know the truth? Affairs thrive in secrecy. If the marriage is to continue and you are trying to iron things out, it's only fair that all parties know the truth. Plus, in this case, the other couple had been friends of ours. I saw no reason to keep the ugly truth from the OW's husband.
sylviaguardian Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Chump, I hear what you are saying and I agree partly, that affairs thrive in secrecy. In my case however, I felt I had confronted the OW as I had met her and told her partly what she had done to me. I think another reason why I didn't tell her husband was because after the heat had died down, I started to realise that the OW was not in fact, anyone special but that she could have been anybody, as long as she had given my husband the right chemical boost to keep him hooked. When I realised that, the OW became not very significant to me and I wanted revenge on her less. I simply wanted nothing to do with her. Also, for personal reasons, I did not feel like I wanted to responsible in any way for 4 children going through he11 (because I am 90% sure her husband would have thrown her out without a second thought). I know not everyone will agree with what I did ( or didn't do) but the fact is that I have no problems looking in a mirror. As far as this affair is concerned, I have many done stupid things but I have never done anything spiteful or vindictive. So I feel that while the OW skullks around like a dog probably still waiting for that phone call that will expose her, I have moved on and have no real worries.
Chump64 Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 So I feel that while the OW skullks around like a dog probably still waiting for that phone call that will expose her, I have moved on and have no real worries. Sylvia, that is probably a very satisfying form of "revenge," actually.
catgirl1927 Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 It would almost seem that waiting for that shoe to drop would be much worse than facing the music. The anticipation of something like that has got to be worse than the actual event itself.
Blind Illusion Posted March 7, 2006 Posted March 7, 2006 Probably, like everything else, no one really knows for sure what they would do in any given situation and no two situations are exactly alike.
Author brokenherted Posted March 16, 2006 Author Posted March 16, 2006 Well I decided to tell the OM's wife. I went to the house, I phoned their phone. I failed to get in touch. Then I started a new job and have been too busy to try. (I dont want to ring/call when I think he might be there) The other night I talked to a bunch of my friends about this. They all - unamiously - thought that I shouldnt tell her. I still want to but I have agreed to wait and think some more. From the other comments here and my own thoughts I am realising just how close, in this case, and in general the concepts of justice and revenge are. Almost the same thing.
Bryanp Posted March 17, 2006 Posted March 17, 2006 How sad your friends are. The OM screws your wife and literally attempts to destroy your marriage. You fail to have the common decency to tell his wife about his philandering. The message you send to the OM is that "Oh well, I guess it is none of my business to tell you that your husband has been screwing my wife and probably others and is putting your health at risk." I guess if the roles were reversed, you would not want the OM's wife to inform you of your cheating spouse if you did not know. I guess none of your friends either would wish to be told. What a bunch of bull. Again what Edmund Burke said: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Congratulations - you have decided to do nothing.
InMourning Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Nothing could stop me from telling the ow H. I called and left messages all day. I'm sure she was in a panic every time they walked in their home wondering if I called and if she would be able to erase before her H heard it. It wasn't an angry message just simple to the point "Hello this is ---- I'm calling to speak to Mr.--- about our spouses relationship." Although be careful, A man finally called me back saying he was the ow H, turned out it was the ow brother. In the end I finally did recieve a phone call from her H. He had a tap on her phone and he had more info to give me than I had for him. There is absolutly no reason not to make that call.
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