electric_sheep Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I have decided I am manipulative and have serious trust issues. I may be controlling as well, I'm not sure. I also obsess over stuff and contanstly doubt things, including peoples motivations. My girlfriend is emotionally unstable and has problems with honesty. I've caught her in several small lies before. Of course this only magnifies my trust problems. I have no doubt we both love each other very much. We are just very flawed human beings, with serious integrity issues. Much of this I talk about in another thread, but, Let me explain ... A long time ago over chat my girlfriend told me a guy friend of hers knew her email address. I teasingly asked her to give it to me. She wouldn't, but was stupid enough to give me the hint that it has something to do with "math". I have a good memory. A couple of months later ... She has the phone in her hand while talking to her dad, and needs to check her email to tell him something. She leans across me, and very slowely types in "c", "a", "l", "c", as I look on. Of course that is all I needed. I felt total and utter contempt for myself. When she logged in I noticed she had recently received 3 emails from this online friend of hers she had told me about. She used to have rather spicy converstaions with this guy, according to her own admission. She said he is a foot fetishist and into S&M. Over the next few days I monitored her email religiously, trying to find out what was going on with this guy. I was totally obsessed. This is what I know: This really is a fairly innocent online relationship. From her emails, I seriously doubt she would ever take things any further with this guy. My girlfriend sent this guy pictures of her feet, after I told her not to. I suppose she thought it was innocent enough, and that my request was unfounded. I think it was innocent, after reading her emails, but I don't think my request was totally unfounded. My girlfriend tells the partial truth about things, in order to lessen the consequences. She freely changes times and dates around. For example, she was honest about sending the photos, but she tells me she sent them BEFORE I told her not to. Of course, because I've been reading her email, I know this is a lie. When I confronted her about things, and gave her repeated offers to "come clean", she only came partially clean. She still changed little details here and there to save face, and to lessen the impact of the truth. ------------------------ My questions: I know everyone on here is so adamant about total honesty and truthfulness. I have to admit i am obsessed with this idea of "truth", but should I just let it go ? Is complete truthfulness realistic ? I mean, look back on your own relationships ... were you always 100% truthful about everything ? I think to a large degree it's just human nature to want to minimize, cover up, and dodge the more bitter aspects of the truth. I'm not sure it's realistic to expect people to tell the truth when they know it's going to hurt. As for me ... well, I'd say the same things about my wrong doing. Curiosity and suspicion are powerful urges, almost human nature I would say. I am a dog and an ass for not respecting her privacy. I am an ass for not trusting her, though of course now it's plainly obvious that I had reason not to 100% trust her. Was this controlling behavior on my part ? What's wrong with me ? I could just shoot myself. The original issue now seems so idiotic and trivial. Yet the issue has now totally blown up, taken on a life of it's own, and illuminated that my girlfriend and I are in serious need of self-improvement and growth. Despite it all, I'm convinced we are both still completely in love. Our hearts are terribly wounded. We have been seeing each other about 6 months. It is clear that the way we feel about each other is not normal or common. We both agree on that. I'm going to tell her about the email thing today. This is going to hurt so much I feel almost physically sick even thinking about it. Any advice ? You think it's possible to move beyond this ?
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 This is really long. Is it worth it doing all this intense analysis? No. When I get to that point in a relationship, it's like I'm grabbing onto various flotation devices in the middle of the ocean. Yeah - it'll keep me afloat for a while but eventually your endurance poops out and you sink ANYWAYS. And all that exhaustive effort was for nothing. I mean, if you guys have been in a LTR for a while, then I suppose it's worth it. But I guess that's up to you. I became exhausted just reading this post.
Author electric_sheep Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 I suffer from mild obsessive compulsive disorder, and have problems analying, dwelling, and obsessing over things. Your point is well taken though. Sometimes things just become so complicated and convoluted it's questionable whether there is really any way to save things, and will the relationship ever be the same ? It just hurts so bad to think about not being with her. I am 35, and this is only the second time I've ever been in love in my life. I know relationships like this don't happen often. I think she is worth it. I'm not sure if she thinks I am worth it.
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I think she is worth it. I'm not sure if she thinks I am worth it. This is the problem, IMO. And ya can't do nuttin to change that, unfortunately. Anyways, I know you think it's ok, but IME when a woman starts foolin around online, she's started to tune out her relationship. Complete truthfulness isn't a big issue, IME, unless there is something else causing insecurities. Then, we try to put it on something concrete and easily label-able, so that we don't venture into the uncharted territories of "issues". I think it's totally inappropriate to even have that interaction with her online dude.
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