pistol Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I have posted here before and have received some great advice, I find my emotions so torn between what I should do, remain with no contact or try to become a friend even though I want more. My ex girlfriend and I of three years split up about four months ago, after a two month period of no contact immediately after she bombarded me with texts, completely to my surprise. I agreed to meet her and we spent time ( two weeks) in close contact again and everything was fantastic. But I knew deep down that I wanted more than friendship, which from her text messages I gathered she wanted as well. Later she stated that with all her problems, bulimia, anorexia, manic depression she needed to sort out all her problems before she could even contemplate entering a relationship. I knew that I couldn't just be friends and it would mess my head up again, which contact was doing. I had to break free, half hoping that she would reconsider, it has now been three weeks and we haven't spoken in anyway, and I do feel better, but I still really miss her, part of me wants to help her and be her friend, but I know that it would be with the wrong motives. I know I would be her friend and secretly wanting her to want to get back together. In which case I'm not really her friend. But I'm also worried that by walking away I will lose her forever. I'm sure many of us have been through this situationof no contact, would anyone be kind enough to give me some advice. I'm so confused.
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 NO contact is the best thing. Consider your own mental health first and foremost. She is an adult and can care for herself.
skeptik224 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I used to think that way about my previous girlfriend (the one before this one). We were together for 4 years. I couldn't handle talking to her, seeing her screen name pop up or hearing her voice. She would throw me little e-mails every few months, and I kept the responses short. It's been almost 2 years since we broke up. (she broke up with me) About 6 months ago, we started talking . It wasn't until that time that I was finally ready to be a friend to her...without having any of those feelings of wanting her back. We've met a few times for coffee and had some great talks. She's been with this other person and has been since about 2 months after we broke up. The point is I wouldn't have been able to be a true friend to her if I still had feelings for her. I thought she'd never want to talk to me again. I was wrong. That space gave me time to heal and move on. We've both grown so much and can finally be the friend each of us needs. You will never lose anyone forever. Give yourself time to heal. Don't force being her friend. I wouldn't want a friend with alterior motives. My current ex now wants to be friends. There's no chance in hell I could do that right now. I know that at some point - down the road - she'll contact me again. It's what I choose to do with that contact that will determine my needs getting met. You need to wait, heal and learn from this experience. 4 months after a break-up is nothing. Sometimes it takes years to be able to be a friend.
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Later she stated that with all her problems, bulimia, anorexia, manic depression she needed to sort out all her problems before she could even contemplate entering a relationship. I knew that I couldn't just be friends and it would mess my head up again, which contact was doing. Valid points all. And I agree with Otter - your own mental health is at risk if you are romantically tied to someone like this. But I'm also worried that by walking away I will lose her forever. This is the probability, yes. But it's still your best chance.
CaliGuy Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Your story sounds familiar to another guy here. Anyway, NC is for you to heal and forget. It's always the best option of you want to move on with your life as quickly as possible.
AltplanB Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 yea pistol my ex had many of the characteristics of your ex and let me tell you, the best option is to not talk to her at all. They are really confused in their head and have problems with intimacy that will only hurt you more. Just work on forgeting her and life will get better. Remind yourself that those problems of hers are someone elses problems now.
Author pistol Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 Thankyou for your advice, its strange I am now 25yrs old, and I have never really had a woman effect me like this before, so much pain and confusion, I have found LS extremely helpful with sound advice. To be honest I've kind of gotten to the point now where I'm scared to break NC in any case because of a fear that I will hear that she has a new boyfriend. I know that will be the next step beyond our breakup, and I'm dreading it, you kind of picture what they might look like, I know I mustn't torment myself and look to move on but it's so difficult even after four months.
qnmc Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 i'm at the 4 month mark as well, I know what you mean about imagining them with someone else. But it does pass; it may not feel like it will pass at times, but really it does. When I think about past girlfriends being with someone else it doesnt bother me after a certain amount of time. What helps me out is a site like this, knowing that what I am going through and have been through is perfectly normal. The key is to remember it's a process, one that can't really be rushed. But it's a process that does get better over time. One of the best pieces of advice I've taken is to not fight your feelings, meaning don't get down on yourself when you have these thoughts and/or try to rationalize them away. It's a grieving process that just takes time. The other piece of that advice that I got is that along with not fighting the feeling, just do something that occupies your mind - like pick up a book, your guitar (if you play one), etc. There are certain things you can't do at the same time - like concentrate on learning a new song and thinking about your ex. I know, easier said than done at times - but the earlier you recognize the demons coming on, the easier it is to distract yourself away. Now I'm not saying that this should be used to somehow not deal with the breakup and all of your emotions - it's just something I use when I feel the emotions are starting to get the better of me. It allows me to get my mind off of it until I'm ready to deal with it from a more rational/objective point of view... well, as rational and objective as one can be anyway.
CaliGuy Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 yea pistol my ex had many of the characteristics of your ex and let me tell you, the best option is to not talk to her at all. They are really confused in their head and have problems with intimacy that will only hurt you more. Just work on forgeting her and life will get better. Remind yourself that those problems of hers are someone elses problems now. Hey Alt, I wasn't going to point ya out but I guess your ears were ringing
Author pistol Posted March 3, 2006 Author Posted March 3, 2006 Your right GNMC it is nice to be able to refer to this site, to know that other people are going through something similar, reading through them its strange to see the progression levels. For instance by the sound of it Cali guy you had it quite bad at one point, and you seem to have come along way? I too have foundthat staying busy is the only way to keep your mind off things, I just wish I didn't live in such a small place and constantly have the threat of bumping into her looming over my head, although luckily we do not really share mutual friends so I do not get passed on information of what she is up too, which I guess is good for the healing.
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