the_alchemyst Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Of course every couple fights--it's just impossible to be with another without ever getting into a disagreement or argument. But, even though fighting is normal, how much fighting is abnormal? What would you guys say is the normal amount of fighting in a relationship? Once a week? Twice a week? Twice a month? Also, do you think the amount of fighting correlates with the amount of time you've been with your SO? Basically: According to your own personal experiences and beliefs, what do you think is the "normal" (or acceptable) amount of fighting that should go on between a couple? When is it too much?
Curmudgeon Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I think it's too much when it leads to questions such as this. There's a huge difference between difference of opinions, heated discussions and fights. I don't recommend the latter. Granted, they happen. In my former marriage they were almost a constant. Perhaps we both needed the emotional stimulation to feel "alive." In my curreent marriage of going on 10 years we might have had a dozen in all that time. Fighting, to me, is simply wasted emotional energy that can be better spent io more pleasant pursuits.
whichwayisup Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 It all depends on what you're fighting about. And how you two fight. Bickering is one thing, we do it for various reasons...Stressed out, not enough sleep, PMS, whatever...But really what it comes down to is the respect level between a couple. No name calling, crossing lines and being MEAN. My husband and I don't fight much. If we do, it's over something BIG. Not little stuff. We honestly don't fight over if the dishes are done or not, or if he leaves his underwear on the floor, or if I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube...All that stuff just isn't worth fighting and bickering over. It is too much if it makes you feel bad. It's too much if you two aren't happy and aren't spending good times together. Also, when you two fight, is there a winner and a loser? If so, that isn't a good thing because it means someone feels like crap and the other person gets a big ego high five for being right.
yawhatever Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 To me its a way of renewing your relationship, your bond, but really its true what is said. If its about anything and everything its not healthy. My Ex gf would start fights about anything, like if I said something she would most likely get offended, or mis-interpert what I said. She would be very negative, and find ways to fight, about my family, my beliefs, my background, about cleaning up etc.. When we had one of those big fights she would be voulnerable and feel like **** and eventually she cheated on me, which she will deny because we had a big fight and werent seeing eachother for a week, but it took her just a few days to have sex with somone from her work. The bottom line is what do you fight about? Is it religion? strong beliefs? Wierd Family Issues? Those I would classify as non-healthy, especially when it gets so personal. Anyways right now this girl says she will do anything to make it work, but when someone you have been with for 4 years feels like they need to go and cheat on you whenever you have a fight, I would say this is not a good indication...
Skeered Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I think it's too much when it leads to questions such as this. There's a huge difference between difference of opinions, heated discussions and fights. I don't recommend the latter. Granted, they happen. In my former marriage they were almost a constant. Perhaps we both needed the emotional stimulation to feel "alive." In my curreent marriage of going on 10 years we might have had a dozen in all that time. Fighting, to me, is simply wasted emotional energy that can be better spent io more pleasant pursuits. Very well said...my ex and I were the same fighting alllllll the time and more often then not it was the pigheadedness of both of us not wanting to let go and admit defeat. Now in my current situation...been with him almost a year (still honeymoon stage I know) but we have NEVER fought..we have a difference of opinion or something of the like...but I can't imagine fighting with him, nor do I want to.
Walk Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I was reading something the other day, they did a study on couples who fight and their fighting "style". There were ones like WWIU that had pretty peaceful relationships, and others that fought constantly. They followed these couples for several years and found that it wasn't the frequency of arguments that determined whether a relationship would work/ or not work, but were they able to come to a better understanding of each other, was there a comprimise, and did the partners feel listened to. From my experience, if the arguments are causing more negative energy then good, then it isn't going to work. I heard that the ratio of postitive to negative interactions wtih couples should be around 5 to 1. 5 postive things, to 1 bad thing. So if your arguments are keeping the ratio at 1:1, then you need a better way of communicating, or end the relationship. The goal of disagreements should be to come to a better understanding of each other, not prove who's right, or who's wrong. And if the other person isn't willing to work on improving communication, then the relationship will fail.
Skeered Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I was reading something the other day, they did a study on couples who fight and their fighting "style". There were ones like WWIU that had pretty peaceful relationships, and others that fought constantly. They followed these couples for several years and found that it wasn't the frequency of arguments that determined whether a relationship would work/ or not work, but were they able to come to a better understanding of each other, was there a comprimise, and did the partners feel listened to. From my experience, if the arguments are causing more negative energy then good, then it isn't going to work. I heard that the ratio of postitive to negative interactions wtih couples should be around 5 to 1. 5 postive things, to 1 bad thing. So if your arguments are keeping the ratio at 1:1, then you need a better way of communicating, or end the relationship. The goal of disagreements should be to come to a better understanding of each other, not prove who's right, or who's wrong. And if the other person isn't willing to work on improving communication, then the relationship will fail. Very well said...
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I think people fight for their rights (or what they believe they are) more than anything else. At least 50% of arguments boil down to the feeling that one party feels that they have a right to something and they were restricted by the other party. At least 99% of fights happen because people are hurt and they punish the other side by yelling, threatening, and whatever... When people fight about stupid, little things it might be a general problem such as "I can't stand the person you are". I had this with my first boyfriend. His personality pissed me off and I was too young to realize that so I stayed with him for many years instead of dumping him sooner. With the ex-husband I didn't fight lots, but we had major problems which consisted of my inability to accept his daughter and the fact that we were simply not meant for each other. We got divorced. It's healthy to express your feelings and say what you have to say. If a couple has big fights twice a week, I guess it's too much. But if you have fights that don't leave scars and don't include name calling and lots of yelling twice a month and if you generally get along well, I guess that's not so bad. I think ideally fights will happen only because a problem that needs to be solved appeared (e.g. a couple disagrees about which house to buy or where to go on a vacation). But when deeper feelings are involved in the fights and they end with personal insults then it's a matter of emotional needs that are not being fulfilled or lack of love or general incompatibility.
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