Curmudgeon Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 You're too kind, CG. Plenty of Catholic guilt here as well. About the mirror. I didn't always but now I try to live my life in such a manner that I can look myself in the face in it without flinching. You're 100% percent correct. If people having or contemplating affairs would take all that emotional energy and invest it in their marriages they would never stray. Marriage is damned hard work but a successful one is well worth it.
Owl Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Travelling- If she's not willing to end an illicit relationship with someone she KNOWS she's both emotionally and sexually attracted to...then YES...get a divorce over "a few telephone calls". Because she WILL end up physically cheating on her husband if she doesn't take drastic measures to break it off. If you find my advice to be 'preaching'...go read my story on the infidelity section. Technically, it was all 'just a few IM's, emails, and phone calls' too. Surely nothing that serious, right? I'm making two points here...one, that she needs to re-focus on the fact that she is MARRIED...that pursuing this guy while she is MARRIED is both wrong, and will end up destroying her family/marriage if she doesn't do something about it. AP- I realize that you're likely not very enthused with my advice. But there is a lot more behind it than you realize. I know of what I speak...far better than I would like to. If you doubt what I'm telling you, please go over to the marriagebuilders.com website, and start posting there under the GQII section...see if the advice and suggestions you get there is much different than what I have to say. The reason I doubt it will be is because the people there are all either recovering their marriages, or have been in the same boat that you have are. You need to completely break off ANY kind of relationship (friendship, etc...) with OM completely. And I mean that you need to end even being with OM around your H or others...which is ANOTHER reason I suggest that you tell your H about what's going on. But, as WWIU noted, I don't know that you've reached a point where you are ready to heed advice that is contrary to what your feelings are telling you yet. Regardless, good luck to you.
Author Meaplus3 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 Travelling- If she's not willing to end an illicit relationship with someone she KNOWS she's both emotionally and sexually attracted to...then YES...get a divorce over "a few telephone calls". Because she WILL end up physically cheating on her husband if she doesn't take drastic measures to break it off. If you find my advice to be 'preaching'...go read my story on the infidelity section. Technically, it was all 'just a few IM's, emails, and phone calls' too. Surely nothing that serious, right? I'm making two points here...one, that she needs to re-focus on the fact that she is MARRIED...that pursuing this guy while she is MARRIED is both wrong, and will end up destroying her family/marriage if she doesn't do something about it. AP- I realize that you're likely not very enthused with my advice. But there is a lot more behind it than you realize. I know of what I speak...far better than I would like to. If you doubt what I'm telling you, please go over to the marriagebuilders.com website, and start posting there under the GQII section...see if the advice and suggestions you get there is much different than what I have to say. The reason I doubt it will be is because the people there are all either recovering their marriages, or have been in the same boat that you have are. You need to completely break off ANY kind of relationship (friendship, etc...) with OM completely. And I mean that you need to end even being with OM around your H or others...which is ANOTHER reason I suggest that you tell your H about what's going on. But, as WWIU noted, I don't know that you've reached a point where you are ready to heed advice that is contrary to what your feelings are telling you yet. Regardless, good luck to you. Owl, I do appreciate your advice and need to hear it! I would agree with you that right now I might not be at the point to listen to what the right thing to do is, but I know that I have to listen because my family and H are far more important to me than the OM. I do know now that after speaking with him yesterday, that all CONTACT must come to an end, before something more occur's that could ruin my life as well as his. I have thought alot about taking your advice and telling my H. I guess I am afraid of what he will think. But I agree that it's probably better for him to find out thru me now so he is aware of the dangers that exist between the OM and I. About 95% of me want's to tell him NOW it's that 5% feeling of how he will react. My H can have a bit of a temper over thing's that can make him the slightest bit mad! I feel like I am making progress with this somewhat because yesterday I would have never ever wanted to tell my H. I know now that's it's best for him to be mad about what's occured already then to let this twisted relationship with the OM spiral out of control and land the OM and I into taking thing's further, cause if that happens I KNOW my H will be so hurt that it would probably end my marriage and I don't want that to happen!!!. I will be checking out the marriagebuilders site. I need figure out how to work on what's missing in my marriage. I do need to tell my H about this and I am going to try and accomplish this by the weekend, boy have I made a mess of thing's. Thank's so much for your imput!
Becoming Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 So whatever happened to this, AP? Sorry I missed it.
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 So whatever happened to this, AP? Sorry I missed it. Thanks for asking! Well, nothing has really progressed in a sexual way, still very much emotional. I don't talk with MM as much anymore. I try to avoid him as much as I can, but it is very tough. I did tell him how I felt, YES those three big word's, however he did not say them back, so there it is I guess. It's for the best I am sure but it still HURT'S like HELL! Time to learn from this and move on, but can I??????? AP:confused:
superconductor Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Time to learn from this and move on, but can I? Yes, of course you can. You just have to make the decision to do it, instead of wallowing in your pain. Getting over someone is a process, not a result. (Took me ages to finally integrate the meaning of that, by the way.)
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Thanks for asking! Well, nothing has really progressed in a sexual way, still very much emotional. I don't talk with MM as much anymore. I try to avoid him as much as I can, but it is very tough. I did tell him how I felt, YES those three big word's, however he did not say them back, so there it is I guess. It's for the best I am sure but it still HURT'S like HELL! Time to learn from this and move on, but can I??????? AP:confused: Sure, he probably has feelings for you, but he isn't going to let them grow. You're letting the feelings out more and letting them grow - Not good for you. I still think you have to try to push him out of your head and when you start to "feel" those feelings, STOP them. Just do it. Men CAN separate love and sex, so there's a chance that he really feels sexually attracted to you, cares for you but isn't "inlove" with you. Either way, both of you are in dangerous grounds....So remember how many people will be affected by this IF it continues...Sooner or later someone will notice - Or see. You have other neighbours too, and neighbourhood gossip is LIFE to some...Be careful as I don't think either of you want to be the street gossip - Gossip that could really hurt your families.
MySugaree Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Continue your friendship, feel the heat, bask in your MM's desire and enjoy yourself. Your EA might morph into a PA, in which case the sex will be torrid, the guilt extreme and the damge to your family enormous. Just how many orgasms is your marriage worth?
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Sure, he probably has feelings for you, but he isn't going to let them grow. You're letting the feelings out more and letting them grow - Not good for you. I still think you have to try to push him out of your head and when you start to "feel" those feelings, STOP them. Just do it. Men CAN separate love and sex, so there's a chance that he really feels sexually attracted to you, cares for you but isn't "inlove" with you. Either way, both of you are in dangerous grounds....So remember how many people will be affected by this IF it continues...Sooner or later someone will notice - Or see. You have other neighbours too, and neighbourhood gossip is LIFE to some...Be careful as I don't think either of you want to be the street gossip - Gossip that could really hurt your families. Thanks whichwayisup!! Here you are keeping me grounded again and you know I appreciate it! I have thought about the other nosey people and you are RIGHT! Someone could catch on and then it would be a HUGE mess!!! As far as seperating the SEX and LOVE I agree with you.In fact, he even told me that once how pathetic was I not to believe it all along! I should have never said those three BIG word's to him. He did not say them back and that really crushed me. He say's his wife is his best friend. My question is how if that were true why does he seek out so many woman as friend's and then get involved with me this way. I certainly would never want to hurt my so called best firend in that way. Seems to me he is kidding himself and that he does not respect her very much! I think he could possibly be in love with me but would not even dare tell me because he is to afraid. I think this because I can just see it in his eye's kind of like you just know. In fact the times that we have been together word's were not even needed to describe the feeling between us. Anyway, why do I even care when this is NOT going anywhere ever anyway.
MySugaree Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 "Anyway, why do I even care when this is NOT going anywhere ever anyway". You care because you're human. We're wired in ways that allow us feel deep erotic connections with persons who make us experience ourselves in ways that our spouses do not. Is this "love"? Who knows? Nomenclature is irrelevant: Action counts. The trick is not to yield to the Affair's strong currents. Don't "swim" in places where love's powerful undertow can pull you far from the marital shore. Some manage to swim back. Others, do not. All Affairs become sticky, the real world eventually intrudes, the "love" bubble bursts and you're left to sweep up the broken pieces of your and your loved one's shattered lives. The struggle against the urge to have an affair hinges not so much on "integrity," but, rather, the intellectual and emotional ability to take the long, hard, clear and pragmatic long view. If only the "consequences" of an affair aborning were felt with the same intensity as the "excitement". Often, however, that's not the case and many lovers are swept away (along with their loved ones) in the Affair's swirling undercurrents. Don't swim in those waters.
YoMomma Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Hi. I think I am in the middle of an emotional affair. I have been talking to my neighbor on the phone for the past few month's about two times per week. My spouse and his spouse have know idea. We both have voiced the fact that we are very attracted to each other. A couple of weeks ago we were alone for a few minutes and gave each other a hug. The hug turned into a little more very quickly, however we did not have Sex. We enjoy talking to each other and do not wish to end our chats, Any Suggestions?? Thanks I have a few suggestions, change your phone number! Really, do you want to destroy two families? Talk to your husband, if you can't - then do the straight up thing and leave him - and find a SINGLE man to chat with. Sorry to sound so harsh, I wish someone had been there to tell me to stop the chatting - two years ago. Life would be so much easier now, but then again I probably would not have listened either. Good luck!
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