ex in contact after a year

[missC]

My ex emailed me a few days ago to say "hello". He dumped me just over a year ago and we have had no contact since March last year.

 

He never has any contact whatsoever with ex-girlfriends so I am a little surprised to hear from him and therefore, don't know what to make of it.

 

I didn't want the relationship to end and I do still love him despite my efforts to the contrary! It was a surprise break up as everything was fine leading up to it, he was as he normally is, we were happy, making plans, etc so I suspect he left me for someone else.

 

Should I email a hello back and see what happens or should I just leave it alone?

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks

[CaliGuy]

No, you shouldn't if you are you dating someone else. My question is why did he dump you? If it was to date someone else then I wonder if you respect yourself enough to not be his "fall back girl." You know if he dumped you once to go date someone else, he will do it again.

 

He didn't make any effort to contact you in almost a year.

 

Maybe you should wait a year to reply.

[Art_Critic]

No, you shouldn't if you are you dating someone else. My question is why did he dump you? If it was to date someone else then I wonder if you respect yourself enough to not be his "fall back girl." You know if he dumped you once to go date someone else, he will do it again.

 

He didn't make any effort to contact you in almost a year.

 

Maybe you should wait a year to reply.

 

that is the wrong thing to do ... Caliguy ..while I respect your opinion your advice borders on anger..

 

MissC.. Since you have had NC for a year then Email him back with a short and to the point email..

Point blank ask him why the email after a year and see how he responds..

[CaliGuy]

that is the wrong thing to do ... Caliguy ..while I respect your opinion your advice borders on anger..

 

MissC.. Since you have had NC for a year then Email him back with a short and to the point email..

Point blank ask him why the email after a year and see how he responds..

 

AC, no offense taken. I'm not basing my opinion on anger. He just made no effort to contact her for an entire year, now out of the blue he emails her?

 

If she wants to email him, that's entirely her choice. I just feel there is a line of self-respect here that's being crossed.

 

If she does ask him why the email, I'd wait at least a week or two before replying.

[Moai]

I wouldn't email him back, regardless of your feelings for him. He dumped you. That demonstrates that he doesn't want you.

 

Now he emails you. He either regrets his decision to dump you--after a YEAR???--or he needs to see that you still want him, as his confidence is a little shaken by something happening in his life.

 

That is how I would look at it, but I have never been in a position where I wasn't able to move on, eventually.

 

If you did email him back, what would you say? I don't think I could come up with anything that didn't sound needy at best or horribly mean at worst. Better left alone.

[skeptik224]

I don't see the problem in e-mailed him back. Maybe....just maybe....he regrests his initial decision. Or maybe he just wants to say hi. I've had an ex do that . It's happened. I know people who have gotten together after many years of not talking. I guess it depends on how you feel and why he broke up with you in the first place. I think it's fine to just reply with a short e-mail and see what happens.

[CaliGuy]

I wouldn't email him back, regardless of your feelings for him. He dumped you. That demonstrates that he doesn't want you.

 

Now he emails you. He either regrets his decision to dump you--after a YEAR???--or he needs to see that you still want him, as his confidence is a little shaken by something happening in his life.

 

That is how I would look at it, but I have never been in a position where I wasn't able to move on, eventually.

 

If you did email him back, what would you say? I don't think I could come up with anything that didn't sound needy at best or horribly mean at worst. Better left alone.

 

That's basically what I've been trying to say. A year is a long time to all the sudden email someone. THere's an agenda here but I believe she will lose some self-respect if she emails him, at least right away. It will definitely come off needy.

[CaliGuy]

I don't see the problem in e-mailed him back. Maybe....just maybe....he regrests his initial decision. Or maybe he just wants to say hi. I've had an ex do that . It's happened. I know people who have gotten together after many years of not talking. I guess it depends on how you feel and why he broke up with you in the first place. I think it's fine to just reply with a short e-mail and see what happens.

 

She said that he dumped her, most likely to date someone else. Now out of the blue, a year later, he emails her? For what purpose?

 

Yes, she can email him but I would wait a least a week and only say the following: "What did you need?"

 

Who cares if he regretted his initial decision. Doesn't seem like it bothered him when he dumped her and throughout a whole year.

[magda]

A year is a long time to work on whatever issues prevented him from having a relationship with you before. Ibroke up with my husband when we were dating. We didn't talk for a year then we started again. Now we're married. During that year we both had a lot of stuff happen to us that changed everything.

 

I see nothing wrong with making a friendly reply. Just try not to have any expectations. Just say hello to the guy, if you want to.

[Art_Critic]

Who cares if he regretted his initial decision. Doesn't seem like it bothered him when he dumped her and throughout a whole year.

 

with that kind of attitude Caliguy you are going to be single a very long time..

 

People change .. People forgive..Time has a way of changing things.. i'm not saying jump into bed with him I'm saying to email him and find out what he wants.. WTF is wrong with that..

 

when has being in a relationship been about not communicating with someone ?

so a year passed.. small amount of time if they get back together have 4 kids and live the rest of their lives together..

 

It's not like this is within the first few weeks of the breakup..

[pandnh4]

from my personal experience there have been a couple of ex's that i didn't speak with for months, sometimes almost a year, after the breakup... i agree that people change over time and somehow our formers, to a certain extent, always remain in our hearts... i think it's ok to respond, but find out why he initiated contact, and i agree with caliguy that you should wait a little bit, maybe a few days to a week...

[Lishy]

The question is not whether you should reply, it is whether you WANT to reply!

 

Think hard about it before you make a decision ..... What do you stand to gain from replying? What are your feelings about him? Does he still have the power to hurt you? Do you want to hear something from him that may hurt you?

 

He could be mailing you to tell you he has just got married or some over thing that could knock you for six!

 

Just think about what YOU want to do and how contacting him benefits YOU - This is not about him honey its all about YOU!

 

Good luck and let us know what you do and the outcome!

[serial muse]

Well, I agree with Lishy's point that you should be cautious and check your expectations at the door. You don't know what he wants, and it's possible that whatever it is could be painful to you.

 

But overall, I think Art's right - you can't hold on to anger forever. And in your case, you've said you're having trouble moving on (probably because it ended so bewilderingly). It may be that you'll talk to him and find that you don't really still love him, just the memory or your own idealized version of him. Who knows? Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with replying, after a day or so, with a simple, "Hello, how are things?" and then see what he wants.

[CaliGuy]

with that kind of attitude Caliguy you are going to be single a very long time..

 

AC, it's simply a matter of self-respect, that's all.

 

People change .. People forgive..Time has a way of changing things.. i'm not saying jump into bed with him I'm saying to email him and find out what he wants.. WTF is wrong with that..

 

I mentioned I agreed with you on this, I just wouldn't be jumping to email him right away.

 

when has being in a relationship been about not communicating with someone ?

so a year passed.. small amount of time if they get back together have 4 kids and live the rest of their lives together..

 

It's not like this is within the first few weeks of the breakup..

 

Remember she mentioned he dumped her for another girl. Now a year has passed and he's emailing her again. I don't totally disagree with emailing him but I would be skeptical.

 

Remember the adage "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me."

 

All I am trying to get across to her is really that she should guard her heart. If he dumped her once for someone he could do it again.

 

I do agree she needs to get to the bottom of what has changed and why he is emailing her but again, I think she should take her time getting back to him. He sure took his getting back to her.

[missC]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all your input.

 

It is a very difficult situation in that, on the one hand, I wouldn't want him to think that he could just walk back into my life because things haven't worked out with the other girl (I suspect that he left me for someone else, I don't know this for sure though) because I have moved on in terms of my life without him, I am happy, I have a good life and have coped very well without him. I hadn't actually thought about him for quite a while which is why the email was a bit surprising.

 

I suppose I haven't moved on in the sense that I do still love him, but if it was that easy to stop loving someone because they stopped loving you, none of us would be on here, would we?!

 

I was very, very happy with him and thought we would be together forever (ha!). So if he was interested in coming back, would I be cutting my nose off to spite my face, if I told him to get lost?

 

I guess most of you are right in that I need to know what his motives are for contacting me - I need to know if he is genuinely regretting his decision to leave or if it just because things haven't worked out with the new girl and he wants me as a back-up until something better comes along rather than be alone......or, he might genuinely want to say hello with nothing more to it than that!!......oh, life is hard!

 

I think I shall leave it alone for a few more days and maybe email hello back and just ask him want he wants and see what happens.

 

Thanks so much for your advice everyone.

[CaliGuy]

I think I shall leave it alone for a few more days and maybe email hello back and just ask him want he wants and see what happens.

 

Thanks so much for your advice everyone.

 

Excellent idea. Please do sit on that email for at least a week if you can. Often times we respond to an email right away without giving ourselves a chance to think it through and wind up saying things we regret later.

 

Can you possibly post what he wrote in his intial email? I'm curious what he had to say.

[missC]

Caliguy,

 

Not sure whether to reply at all now. The more time it takes me to reply, the more it seems that I have been thinking about it a lot before replying and this gives him some power I think?

 

I was happily going on with my life, and now because he sends me this email, I have been made to think about him, I feel that I am being forced to make decisions - to reply or not reply, what to say, what not to say, - and I am now thinking about what he wants, does it mean anything or nothing at all? - all this gives him power over me and I don't like feeling this way because of the proud, stubborn side of me but also, annoyingly(!), I do still love him and would still want him back if he wanted to come back - this is so difficult.

 

His email was along the lines of "think I saw you at railway station the other morning, didn't know whether it would be ok to say hello, so didn't - so hello."

 

it probably means nothing at all, but as I said before, he never, ever, ever

contacts exes, so it is weird.

[Lishy]

I think you are doing the right thing by taking time to sit back and think about it!

 

Imagine if you contact him back and he does not reply or imagine if he tells you he is getting married or some other news that could damage you!

 

Exes get in contact for 3 reasons

 

1. To tell you how great they are getting on

2. Because they have been let down and now know how it feels and they need to justify themselves

3. To get you back!

 

If he wants you back I am sure you will hear from him again .. And also, are you sure you would want him back?

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy,

 

Not sure whether to reply at all now. The more time it takes me to reply, the more it seems that I have been thinking about it a lot before replying and this gives him some power I think?

 

I was happily going on with my life, and now because he sends me this email, I have been made to think about him, I feel that I am being forced to make decisions - to reply or not reply, what to say, what not to say, - and I am now thinking about what he wants, does it mean anything or nothing at all? - all this gives him power over me and I don't like feeling this way because of the proud, stubborn side of me but also, annoyingly(!), I do still love him and would still want him back if he wanted to come back - this is so difficult.

 

His email was along the lines of "think I saw you at railway station the other morning, didn't know whether it would be ok to say hello, so didn't - so hello."

 

it probably means nothing at all, but as I said before, he never, ever, ever

contacts exes, so it is weird.

 

If you reply right away and say anything to show 'interest' in him, you will indeed be handing over control of your feelings to him.

 

By his email, I can only surmise that he's testing the waters. He "thinks" he say you at a railway station"???? What, he wouldn't have the balls to come over and say hello so he writes an email?

 

Wait a few more days, email him back and just say "Nope, wasn't me. Thanks."

 

See what he does. If you want him back in your life and he wants in, then lt him WORK to get you back into his life. If you just jump right back into it with him, no work involved, then there is no challenge.

 

Be a challenge. Be a prize. Make yourself someone he was to work for, to respect.

 

Respect precedes love, but never the other way around.

[Lishy]

Cali, You are always so strong with your NC!

 

Has there ever been a time that you have to physically stop yourself from calling her? Or is it easy for you to do?

 

I wonder if it easier for men or women??????

[Brittanyjean06]

I deleted my email, and made a new one.. just so this woulden't happen to me a year later, it would set me back a tons! and we all know it takes much longer than a year to stop loving some one.

 

I don't think you should talk to him just yet, I don't think you should get any wild thoughts on getting back together...because he dumped you, and he has not intiated contact for a year. I hope during that time, you have set your mind to getting over this person.. I know its hard.

 

But look at the facts, he dumped you, and now he is talking to you after a year.

 

what are his intentions, i have no idea..but emailing you after a year could meen he misses you..

 

But you could say hello, be very short..you know?

[magda]

I don't know the exact circumstances from when you broke up... but CaliGuy's advice just sounds cold.

 

"Nope, wasn't me. Thanks." What exactly is the "thanks" for? Just to sound rude?

 

At least don't put in that needless "thanks" as in "thanks, now begone". I'd just say, "Nope, wasn't me! Hello!"

 

I see the merit in what you are saying CaliGuy, but there is a bitter quality to your advice. To me it's far better to be so over it you're not even guarded and bitter anymore. Friendly, but impersonal. Not cold.

[CaliGuy]

I don't know the exact circumstances from when you broke up... but CaliGuy's advice just sounds cold.

 

"Nope, wasn't me. Thanks." What exactly is the "thanks" for? Just to sound rude?

 

At least don't put in that needless "thanks" as in "thanks, now begone". I'd just say, "Nope, wasn't me! Hello!"

 

I see the merit in what you are saying CaliGuy, but there is a bitter quality to your advice. To me it's far better to be so over it you're not even guarded and bitter anymore. Friendly, but impersonal. Not cold.

 

That would be ideal but she says she isn't over him and she needs to be guarded. For all she knows he might be fishing to see if she is still on the line in 'case' things don't work out with the girl he may/may not be with now.

 

As I said, screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me. The thing is, does she want to lay her heart out there again?

 

She doesn't sound fully healed and if that is the case then know that she could have her heart broken twice by this guy if she isn't cautious.

[magda]

Well, maybe you are right. Still, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I doubt he's making up the "thought I saw ya" story to consciously test the waters. I think he's really just saying hi. She hasn't talked to him in a year and is only assuming he had another relationship during that time... it could've been over months ago. But as far as my "friendly not personal" theory, you are probably right that she couldn't pull it off since she is not over it and asking for advice on the matter, etc.

 

In a perfect world, my recommendation would be almost flirting with him. Like, "Hmm. What was I wearing?" then ignore for a week.

[CaliGuy]

Well, maybe you are right. Still, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I doubt he's making up the "thought I saw ya" story to consciously test the waters. I think he's really just saying hi. She hasn't talked to him in a year and is only assuming he had another relationship during that time... it could've been over months ago. But as far as my "friendly not personal" theory, you are probably right that she couldn't pull it off since she is not over it and asking for advice on the matter, etc.

 

In a perfect world, my recommendation would be almost flirting with him. Like, "Hmm. What was I wearing?" then ignore for a week.

 

Heh, that's sneaky

 

I guess I am a skeptic at heart because after a year....come on. Haha. What excuse could he have? I've been busy?!

 

I agree she should take her sweet time in getting back to him. I've built my life on giving people the benefit of the doubt and more often than not, I get burned.