lostinlove001 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and have lived in different states for the past 5 months. I moved away from him because my job transferred me up north, and we made plans that in March he would move up there with me.. we see eachother at least twice a month.. either he goes up north or I go down south.. In October, I was going through a very confusing period.. and I told him that I needed time to sort things out and to find out if I'm ready to make a commitment and that maybe moving up here wouldn't be such a good idea just yet.. During that week, he gave me the space that I wanted, but still called to check up on me, and ask me how my day went like he has always done and told me that he was waiting for me and realised that he needs me. I realised that I needed to be with him too, so we got back together. And we've been happier than ever. after this new year we haven't really seen much of eachother, not by choice, but because of hectic work schedules and whatnot. Well, After not seeing eachother all month, we were starting to miss eachother a lot, and everytime I spoke to him he sounded very distant, and almost depressed. I decided to make a little vacation without telling him that i would be going to see him, just to hopefully brighten up his mood a little bit.. I went to see him last night after I got my bags situated at my Mom's place. I was so excited and I couldn't wait to see the look on his face. All I wanted to do was hug him and kiss him. I finally get to his house, and needless to say.. he was extremely happy that I was there. After about 15 minutes of talking he tells me that he has something to tell me.. and just wanted me to listen.. I was honestly kind of worried because I've hardly ever seen him this serious before. What I heard next I have to say sounded like my entire world crumbling into a million little pieces. He told me that while we weren't together he went out, got drunk and slept with someone else. I have to admit, it was a good thing for him to tell me, but I thought that maybe he should have told me sooner, i never thought that the man that I love so much could do that.. But there's more. After he got back home after new years, this 'one night stand' contacted him through his friend and told him that she is pregnant. I was speechless. All i could do was stare at him. He started to cry and told me that he never did this to hurt me, that he was sorry. But nothing could make me say anything to him, I had no words.. but i did have a lot of thoughts in my head and it was starting to feel a little bit crazy.. I just stood up and walked out of his door crying because that's all that I felt I could do. He followed me to my car and tried to get me to talk to him but I said I wasn't ready to talk to him because I may say something that I might regret and that I will call him another day.. Well.. today he went to West Palm Beach to his mothers house and I'm in Tampa at my mothers house. He won't return until Thursday night. He keeps calling me but all i can do is sit here and look at the phone and cry. I haven't told anybody about this because I don't think my family would be too understanding of this situation. I want to see him and tell him that I love him and that everything will be okay.. but I don't know that.. There's the possibility that this child may not be his. But what if it is? How do I handle this situation.. Knowing that the man I love so much went and had unprotected sex with another woman and then made love to me a few weeks later, and got the other woman pregnant. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. Can someone help...? I can't spend the next week that I'm here miserable as I am now. I don't want to go through this agony.
RecordProducer Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 There are many reasons to leave someone... But very few to be with someone: love, trust, security, harmony.. You can choose which agony you will go through - the agony of the break-up or the agony of living with a man who cheated on you and has a child with another woman. You can feel the pain of missing him and wonder if you would've ever made a great couple; or give him another chance and feel the pain of anger, hate, and humiliation. It's only up to you. Does it really matter so much whether the baby is his? Of course it does. You will spend the next few months praying to God that it's not his, possibly secretly fantasizing about her having a miscarriage... then deal with the disappointment if the child turns out to be his... And if you marry him, you'll probably never trust him completely and the child will always stand in between you as a souvenire from his infidelity. The only happy-ending I see is you getting over him and finding a faithful man. But a great optimist would say that you could work it out, forgive him, and trust him again... Can you?
Author lostinlove001 Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 This situation is very difficult. I thought that my boyfriend was unable to have children. Before we were a couple he had been with his ex for 11 years, and not once did she get pregnant. I didn't get pregnant either for the time that we've been together. I know that something can be done to find the truth. Is there some sort of test that he can take.. I just want to be sure that this may be his kid. And if he isn't able to have kids, i'm ok with that. Then I would just have to deal with the fact that he did cheat on me, which won't be easy. This man is everything to me. Something inside of me is just unwilling to let him go even though I'm aware of what he has done. My mother has always told me that everything happens for a reason, and that God wouldn't give you something that you couldn't handle. And I really believe that. But I don't know what this means.. I know that we are in love, and he's told me that he wants to get married. Do you suggest that he get the test done?
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 There are tests that can be done in order to check ability to have children, but they are not as magical as you think. Unless they find that he has too few spermatosoids in his sperm or has some big physical defect that cannot be surgically corrected, they can neither confirm or deny his inability to get someone pregnant. If he tries to have children and the woman doesn't get pregnant after 6-12 months, doctors will check both partners and try to eliminate whatever cause they find. But most often doctors can't find the cause with 100% certainty. E.g. if they find bacteria in the sperm, they cure it, but are still not sure that it's the bacteria that caused the inability to get pregnant. They would never diagnoze anyone with sterility because they found some bacteria in his sperm. I don't understand why you would think of a young man that he can't have children. I was with my first BF for 7 years and never got pregnant so he told me one day "I am afraid that you can't have children cuz you never ever got pregnant." Now we both have children with other people. A woman I know spent 8 years with her first husband and they couldn't have children. He cheated on her and his mistress got pregnant (twice). The woman divorced him and re-married another guy and has two children with him. The only test that is 100% certain is the DNA test for fatherhood after the baby is born. Would this woman have a reason to lie about who the father is? Does your BF make a lot of money? Is she in love with him? Are you sure it was just a one-night stand? If I were you and I decided to give my BF another chance, I would go talk to this woman. After all, you need to know who you would deal with for the rest of your life if you marry him, right?
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Um. Have you both been tested for STDs since then? I got the clap from my exhusband and didn't know about it until 8 months after we split, at my regular pap smear. He slept with some chick at a bar while we were splitting up and then slept with me.
SmoochieFace Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 He slept with some chick at a bar while we were splitting up and then slept with me. That's why you don't sleep with anyone you're *splitting up* with cuz, chances are, he's got someone new. Personally, once you *separate*, that's it. Game over.
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