lost4answers Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I have a girl with a long sex history. This doesn't usually bother me but it really gets under my skin when we meet them at social functions. I am not concerned that she will rekindle any romances with them because outside of this issue we have a fantastic relationship. The reason why it bothers me is because we will always have to see these people because all of her friends are from a small town and they all still keep in contact. The reasons for my problem is with 2 guys in particular. Guy No.1 is a sleaze and I hate the fact that my girl has lowered herself to that level. I'm not angel but this guy is scum! Guy No.2 is a guy she had a one night stand with, while she was with her ex-husband. I am not a cheater, never have been and think less of people who are. I have asked her not to have contact with these people but it seems that is not possible due to their group dynamics, and to be honest I'm sick of hearing "the past is in the past" and "I love you, you love me and thats all that matters". I have sacrificed a fair amount to make this work (the biggest would be taking on her 3 year old son) and all I want is not to feel sick by having to meet these people. I'm no saint in my sexual past, but it's not as if I make my girl sit across the way from some of my one night stands and have a chat, so I don't expect to have to do the same. It's getting to a point where I am starting to resent her for making me confront these people. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I have to be put in these positions? Anyone have any advice they can offer?
Curmudgeon Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 You're neither right nor wrong. Your feelings are simply what they are. My wife and I had 48 and 50 years, respectively, of pasts and history. Everyone has some. I think the trick is to not rub the other person's face in it and respect whatever sensitivities they may have (to a reasonable degree). It's a matter of priorities -- the present relationship or the past ones. If the latter are of equal or greater importance that doesn't bode well for the present to my mind.
RecordProducer Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 You could ask her to not really talk to these two guys. She can say "hi" and tell them she is in a hurry if they ask her to stop and chat with them. She doesn't have to hug them, kiss them or give them a big grin every time she sees them. You can avoid these guys if you see them by not staying at the places where they are. If love is really the only one thing that matters then both sides should show it, not only the one that feels bad because of the other one. It would obviously be much easier for her to act more distant with them than for you to watch them together. If however their mere presence bothers you, what do you expect? You want her to kill them?
Author lost4answers Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 Thanks for your replies. Sadly it's a little more complicated than that. Because of her group dynamics it will be basically impossible for her not to have contact with these people. Here's an example, it was one of the worst nights of my life - My girl was bridesmaid for her best friend, who should be a groomsmen (because he is the grooms cousin) - Guy No.2. So what am I suppossed to do in the future? Guy No. 2 is going to always be there, things like Xmas, kids birthdays, birthdays etc. I was not in a position to say that my girl could not be a bridesmaid for her best friend, that's just wrong. So I sat there with a smile on my face looking at my girl (who was absolutely glowing/beautiful that night) and the man that she cheated on her husband with. I was smiling inbetween being physically ill outside the hall. So the advice I get from everyone is - "Pull her into line" and "Forget about it"... sadly none of those two are really options. I don't OWN my girl and she is free to do what she wants, but I can't handle it when confronted with it. Her friends think I'm a loon because they are from the same small town and this is the way they have always dealt with it. I sometimes think that they put sex on the same level as say, borrowing a CD. "Remember that night I borrowed your CD after that party". Then they plan a BBQ the next weekend and all show up like it was no big deal. All of there partners have slept with others in their group and they all get along. This is a result of what I call the "small town syndrome", basically thats the way it always was and they have built up an immunity to this 'syndrome'. However, I am not from that town and not immune to this 'syndrome' and am having some wicked side effects. So after this information, if you have any other questions/comments I would really appreciate them. Cheers
Curmudgeon Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Then you're just going to have to determine your own tolerance level -- what you can live with and what you can't. If the negatives outweigh the positives you may have to pull up stakes, leave her behind and move to a larger town where everyone hasn't slept with everyone else.
scarletletter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 You know that you cannot erase the past, although most wish that they could. Only you can know if she is sincere in what she tells you about loving you and only you. People make mistakes, but they shouldn't have to pay for them for the rest of their lives or be reminded of them constantly. I would steer clear of the "group" of people for a while and just do things together where you won't run into these people if it bothers you that much. They probably aren't going to go away so you need to come to terms with it and decide where you want to go with this woman. If she is a good person, you might be missing out on something great just because of some mistakes that she made in the past or some bad choices. Dr. Phil I am not, but this seems to make sense.
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 My husband has been friends with some of his ex-girlfriends. As a matter of fact, Friday we're going to attend a party that's being organized by his ex-GF and her boyfriend. My husband broke up with her 6 years ago. He goes to lunch with his ex-GFs or ex-wife sometimes. I know there are no romantic feelings there so I don't have a problem with that. If I think about it, I would be more afraid of a new woman appearing in his life that would take his breath away, but I am not jealous of his past relationships. I know that his ex GFs don't flirt with him and they are just friends. I am not sure what exactly bothers you; is it the fact that someone else f*cked your girl and you can't stand seeing him or are you afraid that she might still desire these men? I think a part of why you feel this way is because you LET youself feel that way; you think you have a right to wish her to not have a past. Given how you feel, probably the best choice for you would be some virgin. I see that in your mind you do understand that you don't possess her, you're no being an ass... it's just that you can't run away from your feelings. Persuade yourself that there is nothing wrong in her associating with these guys, that the problem is only in your head... and maybe it'll fade out with time.
Recommended Posts