Scared to death

[Tiny Bubbles]

I found out last year my husband cheated on me with a Co worker( One night stand , they say) now 4 yrs ago. which continued a downward spiral of our marriage. I forgave him but he never committed to allowing me to see phone bills... use the phone etc. Nothing to help regain trust. He kept to a really secret life, the same friends he hung out with while cheating etc. Silly of me I know but I wanted to believe he was doing better, only to find out since October he's been having some really raunchy text messaging and phone conversations with numerous women. Problem is I can't afford to do this on my own. I can't prove he's cheating and he insist he's not. Just phone conversations...

I put his stuff on the porch 3 weeks ago and asked him to move out and stay with ex Father in law( That's another story), and now I'm paying for it Literally, and he's made no attempt to move back, nor help with bills. where I'm from the law is, child support is determined by both parents income and we are within 100.00 of each other and Infidelity has to be proven. Divorce isn't what I truly want to do.. I want to be able to believe what he's saying is true and keep my family, but I feel I deserve something from him to help. He won't even change the phone # he has, to keep the many women he met from calling or text messaging. So do I already know the answer and I'm just procrastinating from doing the inevitable. Because he won't do something as simple as change a phone # for me has he basically let me know it's over but he's just hoping I'll make the first move? Should I file for divorce, or just wait and let him? I need a serious reality check to make me either fight for my marriage if it's worth fighting for or deal with my financial fear and MOVE ON!

[Ladyjane14]

I need a serious reality check to make me either fight for my marriage if it's worth fighting for or deal with my financial fear and MOVE ON!

 

You can do both....by dealing with your "fear".

When you put your fear away, you'll be negotiating from a more powerful position.

 

There are two things you can accomplish by going ahead and filing for settlement. One, you can get the financial support you need for you and your children. Two, you can give this guy a 'peek through the window of divorce'. When you do that, he begins to see the reality of his situation. He becomes accountable for his actions.

 

So, my advice to you is to go ahead and see a lawyer. It's worth the initial outlay of money, because it'll save you money in the long run.

 

In the interim....be sweet, be nice. Try to make your interchanges with him as positive as possible. You're just a woman who's doing what she has to do in terms of taking care of her family, afterall.

 

In a nutshell, you kiss him on one cheek....and smack him on the other.

[dgiirl]

Multiple women?? You did the right thing by kicking him out. I know it's painful to consider divorce, but this isnt just a one night stand with one woman, but multiple exchanges with multiple women. He's not committed to the marriage and no matter how hard you try, you cannot control him. I know you are committed to your marriage and if you had your say, you both would be working on it. But he's not working on it. And you cannot convince him to do so, nor should you try to. Either he wants to or not. Anything less, cheats you out of the life you deserve.

 

I agree with LadyJane, be nice and sweet to him so you stay on his "good" side, but at the same time get your own lawyer. You need to remain as civil as possible with him up until everything is finalized. It'll work in your favour if he feels guilt by you being nice to him instead of feeling defensive against your wrath.

 

I filed for the divorce and it was the best move I ever made. Like you, I wanted him to file for the divorce. But after 5 months of waiting for my exh to make a move, my therapist asked me why I was waiting? Do I really want to have that bomb dropped when I least expected it? When I was at work or at home or anywhere? So I filed, and HE got served the papers at work! That is when I started to feel in control again. I could not control my exh, but I could control the outcome of my life. I could control if I remained in limbo or not. And I think it might even have shocked my exh, letting him know I wasnt going to be waiting around for his sorry ass. Plus, it gave my lawyer and I a strategic advantage because my exh had to come to me to negotiate the terms of a divorce or he'd have to go to court. And he really really didnt want to do that so he finally started to talk to me.

[RecordProducer]

I think you should deal with your problem in stages. You want a happy marriage, you want to trust your husband again, and you want financial security. The best way to go is to resolve the problem together. In that case both sides have to recognize that there is a problem that needs to be resolved, be willing to work on it, and agree on seeking cure for the marriage (good communication, honesty, love, compromise, possibly help from a third party...).

 

If he is not willing to participate then you have to play with the dealt cards. You can't do anything all by yourself to save the marriage. So you can reconcile with the fact that your relationship is doomed and go to the next issue.

 

The anger you feel is in your heart and head (although his cheating is real). You can try to subtract that anger and concentrate on the more pragmatic side - your financial security in the future. Bring decisions that you and your child will benefit from in the long run. Think of what would make you happy and work on achieving it.