ministrychick77 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 here's the situation: me and my husband have been married for 5 months now, and we're pretty happy. a couple weeks ago, we go visit them, and he starts talking about how we're really down on our luck. i got hurt at work a month ago, and he's got depression and we both HATE our jobs. his father gets on him about applying somewhere he can't work (knee problems) and he always gets on my hubby about his jobs. then his mom gets in on it telling him he should start applying for other jobs or go back to school. needless to say, they get in a big argument. my hubby has applied to so many places it's not even funny anymore. at that point i hobble out of the house (was on crutches at the time) and could still hear them yelling at him outside the house. a while later, he comes storming out of the house nearly crying and we leave. we drive away and he starts crying. we pull into a parking lot and he starts bawling. he blames himself for not having the life the rest of his family does. he was adopted, and he doesn't really look like his parents. his mom called back apologizing ( like she always does), but he still feels bad. his parents don't trust him and hold every little thing he's done wrong over his head. whenever they talk to me it's like they're so much better than me cause they've got money. my hubby still gets his car insurance under his dad, and he's still a bit dependant on them. my mom died when i was 11, and i've pretty much raised myself ever since. i'm 22, and hubby's 24. after the fight, i told hubby that unless they stop yelling at him like that, whenever we have kids, his parents might not see much of them. i don't really like them. the rest of his family, i LOVE... like his cousins and his grandparents. am i wrong for threatening that (they don't know yet), and any advice on what to do to better their relationship? he loves them so much, but whenever they yell at him it breaks his heart. (p.s.... he's got depression, so that really doesn't help)
JadeStar Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 His parents are controling and still have a certain amount of control over him even though he his grown and married. He is the one that has to learn to put his foot down. I'm not saying he should be ugly or rude to them, but he does need to get a backbone and stand up for himself. He is grown and its really none of their business what job he has or wheather he goes back to school or not. I understand they are his parents, but he has to make a life for himself and you, not them. Jade
a4a Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 This is not a flame but you are adults. You state your H has insurance still thru your inlaws and he is a little "dependent" on them. You did not give details on the amount of money they give you as a couple. Put yourself in their shoes for just a moment. They most likely just want the best for him and you. They suggested that he go to school. They do help you out with money. They obviously do care. You are 22 and 24 and decided to get married and set up house. An adult decision. Time to start being responsible and make good decisions to prepare for your future. I see you posting as a victim here: down on our luck, hobbled out of the house, adopted does not look like them, depressed, hate our jobs, mom calls back and apologizes like she always does. ........... yet these are the people that are helping you financially? (and he's still a bit dependant on them.) My mom died when I was 11.......... I have got to say SO WHAT! It is sad that it happened but it is not an excuse to not take responsibility for your lives as adults. Stop asking them for help, stop expecting them to help you out then you can stop expecting them to try to control your lives and give you unwanted advice on how to better your lives. If your H suffers from depression you both need to attempt to get help for him and not use it for a crutch and excuse. I do not mean to flame you, not at all. It is just my opinion based on what you posted.
Becoming Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Frankly, no wonder he's depressed. You have a lot going on that would make a person depressed. Now it's up to you both how you're going to solve these problems. I realize that economically times are tough and that more and more young people are needing help from parents, but you need to get on your own two feet financially and do whatever it takes to make that happen for the future--get appropriate training, good jobs, lower rent, etc. Is he getting help for his depression? Counseling, meds? No doubt the depression is caused by some verbal abuse he's probably been suffering from his parents, whom he needs to separate from financially, physically, and emotionally. If they're still paying insurance for him at 24, it doesn't sound like he's left home. He needs to. Consider moving far away and making a new start with good jobs/education. He needs to stand up to his parents and tell them that he can't continue to see them if they are going to continue talking to him like that. I know that is very difficult to do (I grew up in such an environment), which may mean that you might need to say something on his behalf. Kindly, gently, but firmly. And then you need to do what it is you say you will if {thus and such} behavior continues (i.e. walk out, hang up, etc.). This is impossible to do if you are financially dependent. You need some boundaries separating yourselves from these folks in age-appropriate ways. You can continuing sucking on them financially or grow up and stand up. Your choice. But don't let him continue to get torn down anymore if that is indeed what is happening.
bluechocolate Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 If I could (which I suppose I can) I'd take a4a's & Becoming's posts and mingle them into my own words.
Sassy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I had this problem with my s/o parents and as long as they we stayed away from them and didn't let them butt in to our buisness they couldn't hurt us. My s/o mother can say some mean things, but i don't let her know she gets to me. I have as little as contact with them and makes things better for me and my s/o .Inlaws can be a royal pain in the a@@! I think it is because they are jealous ,and aren't happy in their current situation ,and want to make everyone else miserable because they are.
ConfusedGal Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 My husband and I are actually moving half way across the country cause I think it will be better for our relationships long term!! you know, I keep hearing of guys and their parents causing issues...Any girls parents cause issues in the marriage??
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