cryinalot Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 As a betrayed spouse, how do you begin to trust? My man seems to be doing what he needs to, but I still fear he will lie and I will get hurt, no matter what he says. When he goes to work, I want to hope he is where he says he is. The biggest part is I dont want to be a fool again to his lies. Does the trust come back? I wonder too, how long before he contacts the OW. It seems that happens alot. He cant use his cell phone, he knows I look at it.How will I know if he is up to his old tricks?
Chump64 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I have no idea how long it takes. I am just starting down this road after my husband ended a 10 year affair. I'm guessing it will take me at least 5 years. Bottom line is, you can't live your life in fear. The worst thing that can happen is that he cheats. Then you dump him. Give him one more chance. That's what I've done and I am dead serious that this is a one-time offer. The worst thing that can happen to me is that he will cheat, and they he will be gone. I can survive that. It's not what I want at this point, but it's not the end of the world. I do, however, think it would completely crush our children. There are plenty of ways to check up on him that don't involve a cell phone.
Makeitstop Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Oddly enough I've decided to just trust my husband. Yeah, I'm afraid that he'll lie to me. I'm afraid that he'll contact her or meet her one day. And if he's late calling me a few minutes...yeah, I start to go crazy thinking that he's hiding something. But I realize that I can't live my life this way. I'll be going insane searching through his things and it's not how I want to live my life. I'm trying my best to forgive and just trust that he meant what he said when he said that he wants to be here and work on our marriage. But I can't live all the time checking up on him and feeling crazy. And you know what....the day I have to watch him with an evil eye will be the day I check out.
Mah Jong Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I've joined this forum because I'm in the same boat. Although he never got physical, it was just a matter of time and circumstance, and it stopped before they got there, but they spent SOOOO much time together for 3 years (they were colleagues), and he lied so much, and treated me so badly, so I put a stop to it. I had never given him an ultimatum before and we'd been together for 15 years by this point. It was fine for a while, then they were back in touch, we talked and I told him how much it hurt, we all tried to be friends, it didn't work. So they stopped again. But the other night I heard him on the phone crying to her. That was it, he was out. But next day we talked and talked and talked and he promised me he'd never speak to her again, and he phoned her and told her. But I can't move on this time, I can't believe him any more. He said he just needed to speak to her. What the F does that mean? I can't accept any of his lame explanations. How do people do it? I feel like a bomb waiting to go off. I start a new job next week and I don't think I can go through with it. My head's in a mess.
Curmudgeon Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I've no idea how long either. I do know that when she had her second affair I divorced her. Trusting again was NOT an option. I also know that any infidelity is a deal-breaker in my current marriage. Just once would do it!
michelangelo Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 It takes years. And that time has to be spent proving they've earned trust. It also takes a leap of faith that is flat out uncomfortable to experience. it is so unfair.
sylviaguardian Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I've joined this forum because I'm in the same boat. Although he never got physical, it was just a matter of time and circumstance, and it stopped before they got there, but they spent SOOOO much time together for 3 years (they were colleagues), and he lied so much, and treated me so badly, so I put a stop to it. I had never given him an ultimatum before and we'd been together for 15 years by this point. It was fine for a while, then they were back in touch, we talked and I told him how much it hurt, we all tried to be friends, it didn't work. So they stopped again. But the other night I heard him on the phone crying to her. That was it, he was out. But next day we talked and talked and talked and he promised me he'd never speak to her again, and he phoned her and told her. But I can't move on this time, I can't believe him any more. He said he just needed to speak to her. What the F does that mean? I can't accept any of his lame explanations. How do people do it? I feel like a bomb waiting to go off. I start a new job next week and I don't think I can go through with it. My head's in a mess. Hi MJ, I feel for you, I really do. My h also had a 3 year affair with a work colleague. I begged him not to call her once time when I was away and He did. He said afterwards that she was the only person who he could speak to about the whole mess ( no-one else knew) and I guess it is a kind of habit. What I also think now though is that I didn't make it clear what would happen if he did call her. Now he knows (like your h) that if he dials her number (or fields a call from her) he is out and there will be no way back in. I spent a lot of time checking up on him - checking his phone (also got the bill put online so can check all calls made) and his various emails but like one poster said it is a **ap way to live your life. I don't check so much now. I have come to the conclusion that if he is going to cheat then so beit. I don't need him or want him if that is the case. In your case though, it is early on I think and some checking is necessary to make sure that it is really finished. By the way, forget being friends with her - that will never work. And I hate to say it MJ but I wouldn't be 100% sure that it wasn't physical. If people are that close for 3 years, it seems unlikely that nothing happened. Sorry to sound cynical but it happened to me and I've seen it so often on here. Syl
Mah Jong Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 It's took me a month to reply to this, I know that there is a chance the affair (because that's what it was) was physical, but it doesn't make a difference because I couldn't be chewed up more than I am now, and at least if I ever find out it was I have always acknowledged that possibility, and I've asked him once. If it ever comes out it was, after he's denied it, when it was the hardest question a woman can ask a man, it will be over, and he knows that, so for now, I'll carry on as if it wasn't because the emotional affair they had has done so much more damage than a physical one could have, sex just pales into insignificance. So it's one month on, and I'm no nearer finding peace. If anything, it's worse, I don't trust him to not be finding a 'replacement' for her. When I see him talking to a woman I freak, and I feel so stupid, I've never been that way, I feel pathetic and weak. How the F does anybody get out of this cycle? His cheating occupies my every thought and move. We've looked into counselling, but we can't afford it and we can't find anywhere where we live that can help us. Please, anyone, can you give me some advice on how to move on from this, because my marriage is going to end unless I can find a way to deal with it.
OzGirl Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 What's the difference between your husband assuming the husband role - as vowed, with loyalty, faithfulness, etc, but not actually doing that, AND, your husband now saying he can be trusted? One's an assumption that he can be trusted (on your part), and one's a declaration he can be (after proving he has the capacity to not be). In my eyes, the difference is - you make a promise, and you expect it to not be broken. He cheated on you. You didn't cheat on him. Yet, you both made the promise to be faithful. NOW, post-affair, you are continuing what you never stopped, and he is stating he will commence what he had and stopped voluntarily. What a crappy situation to be in. Me? Well, as the OW of one of these lying m*other f*ckers, you don't know half of what went on. NO wife will. The man the OW sees is a stranger to you. Trust me. Read the OW forums and ask yourself how these women can be SO in love with a man who's not even there most of the time. BOY these men are doing something to impress them - to compensate for being married. These women aren't sl*ts OR stupid. These men.... well, in the most primal sense.... they're men. It is tremendously REPULSIVE to know what one man can do to his wife. It is even more repulsive to read how MANY are doing it to their wives. Your H? Well, in my humble opinion... I DO belive he wants to be trusted by you. But, I don't believe that he's done as little (3 years and no sex? If there was no chemistry, he'd not be there for a cup of tea, let alone anything else) as he says he has. HE thinks YOU think sex means love. HE thinks sex means sex. If he thought sex meant love, he wouldn't have had an affair. He knows you love him - so much so that you stayed with him DESPITE the reasons that he felt it accommodated an affair. He just wanted sex and all the cat and mouse games that go with it. That's why he didn't leave you for her. She is all but ONE dot in his ocean - and no where near enough to even think for a second he would leave you for her. She served one purpose only. That's why I think he wants you to trust him - and I think he is genuine in what he wants. What I don't believe is the irony that - post-affair, having sex with your husband might be hard to do knowing he had another woman in his life. Fine. That's sounds PERFECTLY understandable. So, sex in the literal term, or metaphorically for a "spark" that went missing in the marriage. His actions have prevented you now from really easily being able to give it to him now that you realise it mattered enough that he would threaten the life of his marriage to have it. You weren't giving it to him before, so he goes and has an affair. And, now you CAN'T give it to him because he's betrayed you - which makes you wonder, will he go externally now to find it again? He's aced you either way. Tell the cheating, lying assh*le, to pack his bags and leave. He's left you without the choice to freely trust him and have a reason to. There has been enough movies about this subject in the last century, and enough Oprah shows, and enough Presidents caught, for him to KNOW this would threaten the life of his marriage. If he was dumb enough to do it, fine. His risk. He got caught. His loss. In 2 years time, you might still not trust him. OR, you could be free, independant, pain behind you, moving on thinking how good it is you didn't wast you're entire life nursing someone through an incurable episode of stupidity. All men who have cheated expect their wives to leave them. Why make it any harder for him or yourself by doing the unexpected. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It's a fact of life, and yes, and an ex-OW, maybe I'm not "qualified" to comment. But, to think that if you cheat on your spouse, you might get caught and lose them - then do it anyway? F*ck that. He's not bidding high enough.
sylviaguardian Posted March 28, 2006 Posted March 28, 2006 MJ, I am sorry if I hurt you. I know right now that this is last thing you want to hear. People said the same to me about my h's three-year affair with a work colleague and I didn't want to hear or believe it. The final straw for me came when I kept finding things that he had 'omitted' or played down. I couldn't eat, sleep or think and eventually I told him that he had better tell me everything that had happened because nothing could make it worse than his lying. I also told him that if he didn't tell me the truth that we had no basis for a future. He cracked and told me about the physical stuff. Of course, it did make things a whole LOT worse but that's a different story. At least I wasn't going mad! Perhaps you have no peace because you don't feel like he has been entirely honest and that is a hard place to be, I know. I had the same worries as you. Some sort of peace for me came when I thought I had had 90% of the truth ( I will NEVER know 100% of it) and I knew that my husband realised that one more thing to hurt me it, be it a meeting, phone call, even SMILE that our marriage would immediately be finished. When I realised that he knew this, I saw that if he did cheat again with that knowledge, that he would not be worth having anyway. Why would I want someone who had zero respect for me. So in that sense I don't feel the need to keep checking up on him. However, I really don't think I will ever trust him fully again. I will always be aware of the extent to which he is capable of lying (how could I not).It's a complete shift in thinking which has taken a long time. I will never have blind trust in anyone ever again, to the extent that I rely on them. I know this sounds cynical but I think I probably trusted him to much in the first place otherwise it would never have gone on for so long. Everyone is capable of hurting you if they are not careful. Even parents hurt their children sometimes even when they don't mean to. At the moment you sound as if you feel powerless and are the whim of what your husband decides to do. I think taking some control for yourself will help you feel better. Let him know what will be the consequences of a) lying, b) continuing and MEAN it. From my own experience, suspecting there was something else but not knowing sent me truly crazy. I thought about it all day and night and constantly went over things in my head. It made me feel totally insignificant and powerless. When I got the truth at least the constant ruminating stopped. It was shocking and hurt me more than I could ever say but at least I didn't feel like I was going crazy. I am not trying to say that your husband has done anything. I don't know - only he knows. But it sounds like you haven't come to any kind of resolution with your situation. I am so sorry that you are in this situation - my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is. Hugs, Sylvia It's took me a month to reply to this, I know that there is a chance the affair (because that's what it was) was physical, but it doesn't make a difference because I couldn't be chewed up more than I am now, and at least if I ever find out it was I have always acknowledged that possibility, and I've asked him once. If it ever comes out it was, after he's denied it, when it was the hardest question a woman can ask a man, it will be over, and he knows that, so for now, I'll carry on as if it wasn't because the emotional affair they had has done so much more damage than a physical one could have, sex just pales into insignificance. So it's one month on, and I'm no nearer finding peace. If anything, it's worse, I don't trust him to not be finding a 'replacement' for her. When I see him talking to a woman I freak, and I feel so stupid, I've never been that way, I feel pathetic and weak. How the F does anybody get out of this cycle? His cheating occupies my every thought and move. We've looked into counselling, but we can't afford it and we can't find anywhere where we live that can help us. Please, anyone, can you give me some advice on how to move on from this, because my marriage is going to end unless I can find a way to deal with it.
jmargel Posted March 30, 2006 Posted March 30, 2006 It takes years. And that time has to be spent proving they've earned trust. It also takes a leap of faith that is flat out uncomfortable to experience. it is so unfair. That is SO true. It also comes down to how much you 'love' this person. Your love is now being put to the ultimate test. You are honoring your vows 'for better or worse' whereas your spouse hasn't. Right now the anxiety comes from being afraid of the 'unknown'. Not knowing what will come next. When you have a mindset that he WILL cheat again or is lying to you again that's when you start to play a negative part in the marriage. However your insecurity does not come from you 'being crazy' or 'being paranoid'. It's because your spouse has given you reasonable cause for you to doubt them. So how do you get over that hurdle? It's hard, very hard. Some days are great, some are awful. Marriage counseling helps alot and I would highly suggest that you go as a couple. You also have to find out the 'reasons' why the affair happened. The affair itself is just a 'topic', kinda like the leaves on a weed. If you don't pull it out by the 'roots' you'll never get to the 'root' of the problem and the contact/affair will happen again. Finding out the 'reason' doesn't mean the blame gets to be put on you. The variables for this can and often are many. You also need to set boundaries and enforce them. Don't accuse your spouse of lying/cheating & don't treat them like they are. However tell them in 'very' clear language on what you will/won't accept and what the consequences are. And then STICK by them. Because once you let it slide once all your power/authority/respect is slowly being taken away again. What you are giving them is a gift, the gift of forgiveness. This is the only true way that you can move on with your partner towards the future. Even though your spouse is still 'alive' in many ways they have died. The things that made you bond with them has been severely broken. That's what makes a marriage so special is the bond because it's something that isn't shared between anyone else but you two. It's going to take alot of work from your spouse to get that bond back. Give them the chance to prove this. Let them know there is no timetable where this bond will be completely whole again. That's something you don't know the timetable for. Each couple is different. They should be able to talk to you about what happened anytime you need to in as much detail that you can handle. There is no just 'one' talk. It's all about communication. The less of it that happens the more insecure you will get.
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