ehead Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Has anyone ever caught there SO in a blatant lie ? Not a "white" lie, such as "yes I like your dress", or "no you don't need to loose weight", but a blatant and "selfish" lie. A lie that serves no purpose other than to cover their own ass ... to keep them out of the dog house. Even worse, given repeated offers of amnesty, assurances that the truth wouldn't be that bad, and encouragement to "come clean", they still steadfastly and stubbornly stick to their idiotic lie. The thing that is so frustrating is the truth in this case really wasn't that bad. Not at all. Why can't they just tell the truth and deal with the consequences ? I mean, don't get me wrong, I can understand the appeal of lying and not having to deal with the consequences ... but then there is the issue of good judgement. If you will lie about a very small wrong doing, something that is relatively silly, then I guess it goes without saying you will lie about anything that is more serious. Why risk it for something so trivial ? Is it possible to ever trust someone after something like this ? If they will adamantly lie about something so trivial, something that is by no means a deal breaker, then how can you expect them to tell the truth about something more serious ?
Wintersbloom Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I am in the same sinking ship. My hubby will "lie" about stupid things. Or he will expect me to believe such an unbelievable "excuse" for something that is staring us both in the face. LOL I just love it when he tells me "if you love me you would trust me" or to have faith in him or us. I told him this was BS, that I was no longer going to act as his conscience or feel responsible for acting like a married man. We'll see how it goes. Good Luck Peace!
amerikajin Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 If you don't mind my prying, what did she lie about? Generally, even these non-trivial lies (other than the 'I like your dress' face-saving type of white lies) can represent a problem. It's like someone's misrepresenting themselves, which would at the very least make me uneasy. Assuming what you say is true and there's not some misunderstanding on your part, it's further troubling that she can't just admit that she has lied. To me, each denial's yet another lie, which would only dig her deeper in the hole in my eyes. I think you've got problems, but you're understandably conflicted - I'm guessing that the relationship has been mostly good, but now you're rightly troubled by what you see. Pay attention to your gut, man. I won't say cut her off automatically, although it's certainly understandable if that's what you decide in the end. But I would definitely let her know that it stops now - no more lies, no more denials, or else...lay down the law. And you might want her to get her to confess to anything else you should know about.
Author ehead Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 Yeah, this girl is really friggin cool for the most part, which is what makes all this so hard. She is smart, interesting, and sexy as hell. I think she has a pretty good heart too, except she tells lies to fit her purpose. Basically, she was afraid the relationship would change a little bit, that we would take a baby step backwards, or that my feelings would slightly change for her. To prevent this from happening she lied, and now things have taken a giant leap backwards. She is chatting and having "spicy" converstations with guys online. I'm convinced this poses no threat to me ... she is incredibly bored most of the time, and I'm sure that is all it is. Low self-esteem, boredom, and wanting positive affirmation from others. She feels insecure about me doing the same thing with other women though, and so doesn't want to make this an "allowable" thing to do in the relationship. Also, I think she fears my feelings would change for her if I knew. So, for both these reasons she lied. Friggin sucks. She could chat all she wants ... just don't lie to me about it. I thought I had created an atmosphere of tolerance, forgiveness, and understanding too. It should be easy to tell the truth in such an atmosphere.
RecordProducer Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 When I catch someone lying, I never trust them again. I think they are lying about everything. Especially if I have cought them lying repeatedly, even if they lie to people other than me. Liars make me sick more than anything. I also believe that liars are prone to cheating and using people to get what they want. If you lie to cover up your ass, it means you know you're doing something wrong, but instead of correcting your behavior, you choose to hide your shameful deeds. As Balsac said: "Don't liars deny their dignity?"
Mary3 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Warning : Before I talk about your gf lets talk about why people lie....People lie for many reasons : Mainly to protect you from something very unfavorable that they are doing or feeling. Some lie as a compulsion with no plausible reason other than they never seek the real truth and lying is just easier. Some people lie to make themselves appear richer , smarter , better ( or at least make you think so ) Like saying they are a Doctor or a Lawyer when in reality they are used car salesman. Some people lie as a form of manipulation in getting what they want. Some lie because they dont have interesting lives and want you to believe they are somehow living enriched full lives. But mostly people lie because they want to escape the consequences of their actions and the punishment that might follow. Your girl lying is a big red flag ! She is crossing over into a possible emotional involvement or sexual one on the internet whether you KNOW it or not., She will lie that she is not masterbating these men when in fact many men on the internet have found seeing nude pics as a way to play with themselves and its BIG on the computer world. I would relook at this situation Dont be surprised if she meets one of these guys in secret and finds their lives more stimulating and ends up leaving you !
maggiemay Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I resently discovered that my BF of 3 yrs, has been keeping secrets. First I found out that he was buying LOTS of things on ebay, not inexpensive items either. When I confronted him he admited that he had a problem, it was a complusion. We talked about it and everything was okay until I accidently found out he was keeping an on-line journal. I knew he had a journal I commented on his, but he had another one that I knew nothing about with friends (females) that he chatted with. I was devestated, i hinted and tried to get him to confess but to no avail. I finally had to confront him and he had no excuse. Things have been shaky at best, I find myself having a had time trusting anything he says, Even stupid things like what movie should we see. I love him and I'm willing to work on this with him but I can see it's going to be a long road and this just might end up being a deal breaker.
amerikajin Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 ehead, I think you've got trouble ahead, my friend. If she's lying about being a cheerleader or valedictorian in high school, that's one thing; but lying about having her 'spicy' conversations with guys online? That's just a big red flag. She's got issues, and the longer you put up with this, you're going to find those issues affecting you. She's sexy as hell...and chances are, she knows that. And chances are, she knows that she can manipulate you because she knows you find her sexy as hell. She's going to do whatever she feels like doing. She'll piss you off, and she'll still keep on doing whatever she feels like doing. Why? Because she knows you find her sexiness more important than her character.
RecordProducer Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I found out that he was buying LOTS of things on ebay, not inexpensive items either. When I confronted him he admited that he had a problem, it was a complusion. Why would this be a problem? Is he spending YOUR money or the mutual budget? Which part of it offends you? Simply not telling isn't a sin... e.g. if he didn't tell you he talked to his high-school mate today, you wouldn't be offended, but why does it offend you if he buys things for himself? Do you report every expenditure you make? Have you agreed on reporting everything you bought to each other? I accidently found out he was keeping an on-line journal. I knew he had a journal I commented on his, but he had another one that I knew nothing about with friends (females) that he chatted with. I was devestated, i hinted and tried to get him to confess but to no avail. I finally had to confront him and he had no excuse.Now for the journal thing, I am 100% convinced that everyone of us has a right to keep a journal knowing that close family members and friends won't read any of our thoughts. Same with some forums. I told my husband about me hanging on LS about 11 months into the relationship (he was still my BF). Many people here have never told their partners about their participation on Loveshack, although they've been here for years. We have a right to privacy especially if that doesn't include flirting with or meeting people. Your BF may find it easier to speak about his life with strangers than close friends or relatives or you. You said he was just chatting with these girls so as I see it, he didn't flirt with them or anything like that. After all, your reaction is so harsh that I believe he was able to assume that you would interfere with his journal had he told you about it. If our partners need privacy with other people for INNOCENT things like chatting or confiding in them, we should let them do it. I don't see how posting on this forum or exchanging emails with details about one's life with a pen pal differ from an online journal. We need freedom to express our thoughts and often that freedom is restricted by the people who we love most and are closest to us.
Mary3 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Whether I was in a relationship or not I will always read and reply to Love Shack posts
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