reallyhurt Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I am healing from what I beleive was an affair my husband had. The OW is married, and her Husband does not know I found out about it. (No proof of sex, but something was going on "just friends" does not cut it due to the behavior) My husband told me, he told this woman that he loved me, and there could not be any more contact with her as "friends". He even transfered his job (they worked at the same bank) so he would avoid the situation. It has been a few months and now she has started calling just to see how he was doing, telling him to call her on her cell. My husband told me he does not want to see her or talk to her, he is avoiding the situation, and refuses to call her back. I am afraid he will call her, but wont tell me. I am thinking of calling her from my Husbands phone (I know she will pick up) and tell her if she tries to contact my husband again, in anyway, I will call her husband and tell him what she has done to make me believe that they had an affair. My Husband and I are doing SO much better, I dont want to piss him off by calling her. This situation has actually helped us, but I want to make sure it is over, what ever it was, between the two of them. But, why would she call knowing that I check the phone bills, and would see her number? I feel that is SO disrepectful not only to me, but t my Husband. Know he has something to explain to me. Would it be too much to ask my Husband to call her while I am there so he can tell her to stop calling? I did ask, he refused. Is that a cop out? Oh what a mess by brain is. He says he is shutting her off/out completly from his life, not even thinking of her (I wonder if he really does think of her). Is this normal for a man? Or anyone in this situation? I dont know what to think, any suggestions would be great!
Chump64 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 What kind of actual "proof" do you have that there was an affair? Whatever it is, share it with her husband ASAP. Don't give her a heads up. Just send him an email or letter or whatever. My only word of caution: Send it to his work address and mark the outside as "confidential." You don't want it getting into the wrong hands. I don't know if you want to protect your husband or what. But if an affair is going to truly end, all secrets go out the door. All parties -- including her husband -- need to have full honestly. Secrecy will only allow things to fester, especially if she is still wanting some action. Put the pile of sh*t on the table and pass out the spoons.
greenshift Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Put the pile of sh*t on the table and pass out the spoons. I'd agree, but I'm worried that doing so may alienate her husband, thus adding to an already tense situation. The OW's husband definitely deserves to know, and,like NOW, but is it worth risking her already fragile marriage for someone else's happiness? I'm not sure that it is or that it's not. Either way, I don't think asking him to call her while you're in the room is out of line. Please, please tell me you're in counselling.
elmejor Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 What kind of actual "proof" do you have that there was an affair? Whatever it is, share it with her husband ASAP. Don't give her a heads up. Just send him an email or letter or whatever. My only word of caution: Send it to his work address and mark the outside as "confidential." You don't want it getting into the wrong hands. I don't know if you want to protect your husband or what. But if an affair is going to truly end, all secrets go out the door. All parties -- including her husband -- need to have full honestly. Secrecy will only allow things to fester, especially if she is still wanting some action. Put the pile of sh*t on the table and pass out the spoons. "The wrong hands"--in this case includes your H's employer. Do you want your husband's boss reading about the infidelities in your marriage? With most companies, the employer obviously owns the email, and using email for personal use will result in immediate dismissal. Be careful. I wouldn't send a snail mail to his work address either. Too risky. Some W want the whole world to know about their H philandering, as though that will help the M recover, however--to that line of thinking I say, just rent a billboard.
Chump64 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Find his car and put a note under his windshield. Call him up or call his voice mail. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Chump64 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Some W want the whole world to know about their H philandering, as though that will help the M recover, however--to that line of thinking I say, just rent a billboard. The original poster's question is about letting a betrayed spouse know the truth -- the person whose spouse is cheating with HER spouse. It's not about telling a ton of people because she thinks it will help her marriage / help her recover. But that's a good topic too. Telling a lot of people, IMO, is a huge mistake. The more people you announce it to, the harder it is to recover. Many people take on a whole new image of someone who has cheated on their spouse, and it's not a particularly good image. People will take sides, offer unsolicited advice, badmouth the person you are trying to recover with, etc. It's just not productive, although I've read that betrayed spouses are often tempted to "tell the world." That said, if my husband blows my one-time offer to fix our marriage, and he cheats again, that is a marital deal breaker and I don't care WHO finds out about his behavior, at that point.
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