KittenMoon Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I'm generally not a forum-type girl, but I really need some advice from the world at large. Sorry in advance for the long post. My boyfriend of over six years and I broke up about a week ago. We have had many wonderful years, but recently there has been a lot of strain. At first, he took a week to think things over about whether he wanted to try to work things out with me. Normally I don't like something like that, but I love him deep enough to give him time to think. When he finally talked to me, he still couldn't make a decision. After hours of discussion and his deperate and painful attempts to find a middle ground, I realized there was nothing to be done and I said it needed to end. His immediate reaction was to try to avoid that, but I didn't know what else to do but let him go. A miserable week later I went to pick up my stuff. At first, he didn't even want to see me as I got it all together, because he said it was too painful, but finally I got him to talk. He has a hard time expressing his emotions, but he was sobbing by the end of our talk. When I left, just like the week before, we hugged and it was one of those moments that obviously neither person wanted to end- we were gripping each other as if for life. At the same time as our problems, he has had many problems with work. He is obsessed with being sucessful, and my problems with his workaholicism triggered a lot of the bad emotions. But I came to terms with it and had been very accepting of his work (this isn't just my perception, others have commented on it as well) over the last few months- this didn't seem to be enough; he was still obesessed with this idea that I didn't want him working. Also, we were each other's first real relationship, first lover, etc. There has always been some feeling of loss because neither of us experienced other people. The problem is is that while we have said "it's over" it's also been said "it's over for now". I don't know what he expects. I don't know what I expect. I know in the past he has wanted to marry me- I unfortunately have a fear of marriage. I was, however, beginning to warm up to the idea when all this happened. I love him intensely, even when he's being a jerk, to the point that I understand a need for distance right now. It's just that I see us sharing our future together. I know he has felt the same way. So I don't know what this is right now. Are we breaking up so we can see other people before we return to each other? That's what it feels like. However, the idea of him being with other people terrifies and angers me. If we got back together, I am afraid I would feel cheated on, even though we weren't together, even if I had also been with others. He has always been far more willing to share me than I have been to share him. Does this mean his love is not true? Does true love even fall into the perception of "only one, forever" any more? I know he's confused. I am confused as well. I think some distance is needed right now. But is it possible to return to a relationship, that has ended well without much anger and without a major betrayal (like cheating), after both parties have been with other people? Can two people be happy with only one love and lover from the beginning to the end? His best friend's gf just returned to him after a year or so of "broken up" (they still saw each other but she saw other people as well I think). They seem happy. But can real love be like this? Does it matter? I love him so much. But he needs to learn to embrace his emotions before any kind of reconcilliation. And I am afraid of missing out on part of life by not experiencing other people. I can see myself seeing other people, but I can't see loving anyone else. I know he is afraid of missing out as well, both on people and on a chance to further his career without any feeling of being held back. What is up with this? Am we being delusional with the idea that maybe someday we can come back to each other (for good)? Should I be fighting for this to stay together now? Can true love take breaks? Can jealousy be overcome? Or is this dead and we just don't want to let it go? Both of us are mid-twenties, stable, caring people with good friends, live, jobs and no history of head games. We're not on-again/off-again types. We're just.. confused. Please give advice- share your experiences, etc!
Billy Bob Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Hmm, broke it off (and he sounded a bit confused), its been a 6 year first time relationship for both of you? Sounds to me like you two are still way in love with each other and are just having a fight. I would think just go no-contact for a few weeks and go out on a couple dates with other guys (or pretend to) and he will be going crazy thinking he is losing you. Then you can decide what you want. Grass usually isn't greener on the other side, just wait until you get played by some lying losers just trying to get into your pants, he'll probably find that it isn't that easy to find another nice girl and end up just meeting STD-ridden nightclub skanks. You two have 6 years invested and obviously still have feelings for one another. Go to couples counceling and make it work.
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 You both broke if off so you're taking a chance that he won't be with anyone else. I understand your concern but that's a risk you take in separating. There's also a chance he might find someone else as with you. If it's truly meant to be then it will happen for you two again in the future. Sometimes a break can make you, sometimes it will finish you. Again, it's a risk you both are taking. The question is really will the separation benefit you? You know how he is, but I'm not so sure how much will change with a separation. He has to find it within himself to change and make his priority you. Funny thing about relationships. Communication isn't always where it needs to be and often times we don't perceive things the same way. He obviously has some insecurities to deal with and I believe you could benefit from some self-relection as well. I would implement NC but I wouldn't rush out to start dating anyone right away. That would definitely be a rebound and will serve to do you no good. Don't talk to him for a week and then see what happens. Maybe if he realizes he might lose you for good then that will be the catalyst to get his priorities straightend out.
UT_longhorn Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 if this is both of your first relationship and its been 6 years, you must have met in your late teens. i can see why you guys feel like this. and i think yes, you both may feel like you want to see what the grass might be like on the other side. i did the same when i was about 23 after a 5 year relationship. the grass was not greener, just a different shade of green. i don't think either of you are ready to commit yet with his and your lingering doubts. give each other some time and space. some time to reflect and be introspective. it seems like you both love each other but may need to experience life without each other to realize if you are truly meant to be. maybe he will date others, and maybe you will too. you risk loosing him, and he risks loosing you. but without this break, the lingering doubts will never go away. the what ifs can kill a relationship.
josielane Posted March 6, 2006 Posted March 6, 2006 What is up with this? Am we being delusional with the idea that maybe someday we can come back to each other (for good)? -No, you aren't. Sometimes people take space away from each other and come back to spend the rest of their lives together. I just heard of a new book on the subject, myboyfriendsback.com. However, sometimes people take space and never come back. If that's the case, than it wasn't meant to be and you will eventually find out. Should I be fighting for this to stay together now? -You answered your own question in your post. You said you wanted the space. If you want it at all, now is probably a good time to take it. Can true love take breaks? -Some can. Some can't. Sometimes space is just what you needed to get a fresh perspective and realize that you love the person and want them back. Sometimes you realize that you need to move on. . Can jealousy be overcome? Or is this dead and we just don't want to let it go? -If you are not with someone, and they date someone else, completely end it, and come back to you. That is not cheating. Yes, it will still sting a little but it is not cheating. If you find yourself in that situation you just need to talk to the person honestly about it, make sure the feelings for the other are gone and move on from there. It can be overcome. I know it's scary. Breaks have a lot of uncertainty to them. But they also have their benefits. Just give it a little time and see what happens.
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