Onwards Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I guess this is more a vent than anything and I’m sure it’s going to be a long one. I started NC last Wednesday and to be honest, I have been feeling quite good about it…. until today. For some reason I have not been able to stop thinking about her all day and it feels like I have a hole where my stomach should be – almost to the point of feeling nauseous. Don’t worry, I have no intention of breaking NC – I’m hurting as bad as ever, but I’m not looking at contact with her as a way to ease my pain. I know that this is an internal battle that has to be won by me. I have been through 2 major break-ups in the past 4 years and I have never been able to cut contact this early. I am proud of myself for learning from my mistakes of the past and for taking this pain rather than looking for a quick fix. With the last 2 break-ups, I would implement NC as a last resort…after I had done so much damage that I had no option. I would literally try and try…plead and beg…argue and reason…until my ex would be completely fed up with me and (I felt) pity me. I would run my own self-respect into the ground the whole time I stayed in contact with them. I look back my behaviour now and cringe. On this occasion however, I didn’t do any of this. We broke up, I told her I loved her and agreed to meet her in a month to see if things had changed – they hadn’t. She was quite insecure that evening – she seemed to be constantly trying to find out if I had started seeing anyone…but I kept my cards close to my chest. I asked her if there was any hope for ‘us’ in the immediate future and she said “I’ll have to say no...at the moment”. (They always have to get those words of hope in there at the end, huh? ) I told her that I would take that as a no, and thanked her. She asked why I had thanked her and I just said that it had helped me, as I realised that my fight was over and I had to move on. I emailed the next day to clarify where I was coming from and posted the email on the board: The “One Final Email” thread. In that email I told her about a date that I have organised for this week as well (perhaps slightly vindictive on my part…I suppose I weakened for a second and wanted a parting shot) My pain comes from the fact that I do want her back, and I know that my pain will only ease as I start to let go of that desire (easier said than done). There is one thing that keeps me strong throughout this, and I’m not sure if it’s healthy? It’s the fact that I know by implementing NC that I have denied her the one thing that she wanted: She wanted to stay in touch with me, and to keep her eye on my progress (her paranoia about whether I had met anyone told me that she was worried about the prospect, and is at least partly behind her desperate desire to stay in contact) I walked away from her after having a great night with her and leaving a good impression. I never lost my self-respect and she never saw me beg or grovel…as much as I felt like I wanted to at times (old habits die hard). And I walked away from her leaving the impression that I am moving on. I guess what is keeping me strong is the fact that I stayed nice, civil and mature throughout the break-up – but also caused her pain by terminating the ‘friendship’ she desired. If you’ve read this, I thank you. I just really needed to get all of this off my chest as I have had the worst day (emotionally) since the break-up. I could really do with some words of encouragement at the moment, or if anyone sees anything unhealthy about my current behaviour (perhaps my motivation for staying strong) and can give me some advice....I'd appreciate it.
CaliGuy Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 It's all about self-respect. If you respect yourself you will stick to NC, heal yourself, focus on self-improvement and know that you will end up stronger and healthier for the next woman who comes into your life. Don't grab at the carrot she is dangling. My Ex wanted to be friends as well but I haven't kept contact with her. It's all or nothing for me. You can not be friends with someone you love or you will never heal.
sick of it Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 You can not be friends with someone you love or you will never heal. and of course thats the hardest part. loving them means you weant to talk to them, be with them, and its because you love them that you cant do it. its a horrible vicious and cruel cycle.
fallenheart45 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 You can not be friends with someone you love or you will never heal. so true..bro....SO FREAKING TRUE!
Author Onwards Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 and of course thats the hardest part. loving them means you weant to talk to them, be with them, and its because you love them that you cant do it. its a horrible vicious and cruel cycle. Thanks for the replies guys, I really just need to get through this pain. It's started to ease spontaneaously...I don't know why, maybe my body can't sustain that level of stress for a long period of time? As for the above quote sick of it, I agree - we want nothing more than to be in their lives, but being in their lives as anything less than a partner is 'settling for the scraps', and hurts way more (in the end) than cutting ties. Thankfully I have not gone down that route with my ex. I have never entertained the thought of staying friends with her and I told her that. I never even gave myself time to see how I would feel staying in her life. (I knew where it would lead). NC is a challenge, that much is for sure, but by no means an impossible challenge. I have to keep focussed on the light at the end of the tunnel...the day that I can wake up and think about her without hurting. Wow this hurts - way more than I envisaged a couple of days ago, but I am so determined to protect myself that I refuse to let the pain drive me in her direction; I'm using it to keep me away.
Author Onwards Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 Just an update: After 12 hours of the worst pain imaginable, I feel better. It didn't take any action to make me feel better, it all came from inside me. I'm sitting in my flat alone but am no longer lonely....I am so relieved to get through it. I am under no illusions - I know that I will feel this bad again, but I am so happy that I now realise that I CAN deal with the pain - I just have to wait it out and think about how great the future is going to be. This is such a new experience for me - I always felt as though I had to do something to relieve my hurt (usually contacting an ex....which would end up making the pain worse). But now I know that I can do this. Pain, as with anything, passes given time.
WeaknPowerless Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I'm having trouble right now dealing with the fact that I probably won't ever talk to her again, and I wonder right now if she even cares or thinks about it. For so long we were together and talked every day. What a shock to the system that is. Tough to get over, even when NC helps so much.
pandnh4 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 onwards - i'm glad you're feeling better and pulled through your pain... any specific steps you took to deal with it that you might share with us? weaknpowerless - i feel the exact same way... i keep hoping that one day she might call or write but every day is letdown in that regard... i've been good about nc but really wish she would break it... it's so hard to let go of routine and companionship... i certainly miss the *good* side of the ex-gf - as much as she was flawed and immature - but i think i'm just particularly attached to the routine of talking, spending time together, going out, and having s_x...
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I'm having trouble right now dealing with the fact that I probably won't ever talk to her again, and I wonder right now if she even cares or thinks about it. For so long we were together and talked every day. What a shock to the system that is. Tough to get over, even when NC helps so much. What you're missing is the companionship more than anything. You need to occupy your time with hobbies, the gym, friends, self-improvement. Heck, play video games. It's not easy but keeping your mind stimulated and occupied will help easy the transition.
WeaknPowerless Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 What you're missing is the companionship more than anything. You need to occupy your time with hobbies, the gym, friends, self-improvement. Heck, play video games. It's not easy but keeping your mind stimulated and occupied will help easy the transition. Yeah, to a large extent you are right. However it really isn't quite that simple in everyones case. For sure, when you're cut off from any addiction (in this case a daily dose of your partner), it takes getting used to. I hate reflecting on the things that bring me down, but the one truth that hits the hardest is we won't talk again, or have communication. This was supposed to be my wife. We both planned long futures. For me, its only one level below never talking to a family member again. Of course I say this all when thinking about the girl I thought she was... But I do know it'll pass. Things will fade. That's where you're right in keeping occupied. I am enjoying lots of aspects of being single right now actually. I just have to acknowledge and mourn the fact sometimes.
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I understand where you are as I was once there as well. I thought she would be my wife, we talked about marriage. Yet, she walked away quite easily and so far really hasn't looked back. I don't expect her to. So I've been keeping myself immensely occupied with projects so that my mind doesn't have time to wander. It's been great as even though I think about her daily, it's less and less. I can't wait for the day I don't think about her at all!
WeaknPowerless Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Same boat as me dude. I too am thinking less about her, but it's still too often. Seems like everyone but us has the girl who dumps them calling back, wanting back in, etc...I suppose we're better off though. Playing poker tonight...that always keeps my mind focused for a few hours.
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 I'm no longer worried about her calling me back. I figure if she never does, that's what was supposed to happen. If I cling to hope, I'll never heal and move on. Healing is important as it has allowed me to focus on myself and become a better person. I'm still the same good guy, I've just learned a lot about myself and improved greatly. Life is good, even without her in it. It's all a matter of perspective.
Dinnj1 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 (They always have to get those words of hope in there at the end, huh? ) Don'tcha just love this??? The string-a-longs... the hope... the door left a little open??? For me... I get... "Right now" "I can't say how I feel Right now." "I can't open up, Right now" Not to mention the fact that I didn't even ask her to open up... it's like she just 'slips' it into the email. ps... Stay strong... you're my hero!
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