azazello Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Usually I wouldn't ever put myself in a situation like this, but this is kind of an odd situation. I have always made it a rule never to get involved with anyone at work, and never involved with someone in a committed relationship. This woman works for an organization that I am one of the senior people at. Thankfully, I am barely there, but we run into each other maybe once a week, depending. From the beginning there has been mutual attraction, tension, etc. Now if she was just someone I met, it would be much easier. But its a work situation, plus she lives with a boyfriend. She never complains about her b/f to me, but other people have told me they have problems. Plus, in general, I truly believe you can tell when a woman is happily involved, and she doesn't look like it. But of course, she is still with him, regardless, which can mean bad things about her in general. Anyway, so we talk a lot when we see each other. Unbelieveable chemistry. We just click, but then again, she is very easy to get along with. Tons of people in the company are convinced we are having an affair. She willingly spends a lot of time with me when I am around, and has given me plenty of compliments. She keeps giving strange little hints to me about boyfriend too. Like when I mentioned that i would never go for a girl with a boyfriend , she would say "well you never know maybe they have a ****ty relationship" or when i ask about future plans she'd say something like "well, he might not be around later on". And more than anything, just the way we look at each other sometime, i get the feeling that I am not just imagining this crazy tension anad pull between us. This has never happened to me before, but this woman kind of makes me want to break my own rules and just go for it. I am actually very sure I can make her mine if i wanted to, and pretty sure she'd want me to. But the fact that the situation is complicated puts me under a lot of pressure. Like lets say I go for it and get her, and later we just don't work out? I would pretty much feel that I came in there, turned her life upside down and abandoned her. Basically, I would be under a lot of pressure from myself even to make it work. But of course, unless i hook up with her I wouldn't know if things would work out. And yeah, my intentions in this situation are really really good. Not just a hit and run. If we really were as compatible as I think, I would love to have a serious thing with her. But I am scared since she seems so good that it just won't work out. Karma scares me as well. On the other hand, I am very close to the point of no return where I can just open my cards and see what happens. Thoughts? Opinions?
Butterflying Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 She's involved, but she's not married. Don't be too agressive. But once the opportunity presents itself, let her know how you feel. In the worse scenario, she rejects you. But then again, if she doesn't, you should definately consider the fact that she is willing to be unfaithful to her BF for you. And she may possibly dump him for you. Would you be able to trust her? Go for it anyways because if you don't, you may always wonder what could've happened if you had.
monkey00 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 generally i make it a rule for myself not to get involved with someone you work with. However i will give my 2c. if your coworker and you have great chemistry and get along great. i would say go for it. I know that some people in relationships will easily cheat at the drop of a hat. And especially if the relationship is crumbling already, the only thing someone needs to do to end it is pursuing that person. But i know scenarios where there are women/men who do gf/bf upgrades (u know what i mean). ....but...since you work with her, more problems could arise than you could ever imagine...i say just be careful if you decide to go thorugh with this i too am in a very similar situation as yours, however its my classmate. But im definitely not giving up this chance to pursue her...
Author azazello Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 She's involved, but she's not married. Don't be too agressive. But once the opportunity presents itself, let her know how you feel. In the worse scenario, she rejects you. But then again, if she doesn't, you should definately consider the fact that she is willing to be unfaithful to her BF for you. And she may possibly dump him for you. Would you be able to trust her? Go for it anyways because if you don't, you may always wonder what could've happened if you had. I am very aware of trust and faith issues. That bothers me, as well as karma. But on the other hand, some guys are really really bad with women and can't handle a good one, or don't know when they are about to lose them. I don't consider myself one of those guys. But yeah, its still a problem. generally i make it a rule for myself not to get involved with someone you work with. if your coworker and you have great chemistry and get along great. i would say go for it. ...<snip>.... i say just be careful if you decide to go thorugh with this Funny enough, I am not afraid of rejection or something like that. I can handle that, it will basically just end this phase and force me to move on. What I am afraid of is what happens if she goes along with it and as a result alters her life, and then I am the one who decides she is not right for me. I've never been dumped before, always been the one to end relationships and move on. So i am kind of scared already of the pressure this can put on me (i change her life, so i am forced to be serious with her) Yes, I am aware I'm overthinking it a bit... which really isn't like me at all..
Butterflying Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Funny enough, I am not afraid of rejection or something like that. I can handle that, it will basically just end this phase and force me to move on. What I am afraid of is what happens if she goes along with it and as a result alters her life, and then I am the one who decides she is not right for me. I've never been dumped before, always been the one to end relationships and move on. So i am kind of scared already of the pressure this can put on me (i change her life, so i am forced to be serious with her) Yes, I am aware I'm overthinking it a bit... which really isn't like me at all.. If she decideds to alter her life, it should be her own decision. Sure you may influence it. But if she is wise, she wouldn't make a decision without considereing the consequences. It's not your problem to worry about her life choices right now. Instead, the fact that you aren't sure you will want her in the future is a sign that you aren't ready to be in a serious relationship with this woman. Perhaps you should keep things casual and friendly the way they are, rather than taking things to a level you might not be able to handle.
Author azazello Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Instead, the fact that you aren't sure you will want her in the future is a sign that you aren't ready to be in a serious relationship with this woman. how the hell would one know whether he would want to pursue a "serious" relationship with a person without actually being in a relationship with that person to start with? "she seems nice, we'll get married"? cmon now.
MadDog Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 how the hell would one know whether he would want to pursue a "serious" relationship with a person without actually being in a relationship with that person to start with? "she seems nice, we'll get married"? cmon now. Yeah seriously. People get totally illogical when their emotions are involved. You can't start a relationship by cheating and then hope there will be any trust. Also, if you two end up together but then she happens to be unhappy at any given time, you can't blame some guy for trying to take her from you since you did the same exact thing. For all he knows the woman's boyfriend might think they're in a totally happy relationship and she's just being a slut. MD
Author azazello Posted March 11, 2006 Author Posted March 11, 2006 Yeah seriously. People get totally illogical when their emotions are involved. You can't start a relationship by cheating and then hope there will be any trust. Also, if you two end up together but then she happens to be unhappy at any given time, you can't blame some guy for trying to take her from you since you did the same exact thing. For all he knows the woman's boyfriend might think they're in a totally happy relationship and she's just being a slut. MD its more complicated.. she's been kind of getting cryptic on me lately too... would say stuff like "you know, i can never say things i want, i am too shy" and so on.. Hints? I don't know, but if i was to trust my intuition it would seem so. I've been in love before and multiple quality relationships, so i like to think i can read women.. and I am totally getting this vibe from her.. just the way she looks at me sometimes i get this "take me you idiot" vibe from her. I also am 99% sure that she is not in love with her boyfriend and he doesn't really treat her right.. and from hints before, it seems like she is looking for something better. (and thats not an evil thing to me, i can actually understand) Anyways, I am pretty much at the point where I just might give her a hand and see where it goes. After all, as a man I do have to take the first step. Worst case scenario its a no, and I move on.
MadDog Posted March 11, 2006 Posted March 11, 2006 It seems like you're just making excuses though. She's not happy, he doesn't treat her right, etc. Well then why is she still living with him? You say you have nothing to lose but what about your integrity? If you make a move on her, you'll always be marked as a man that goes after girls with boyfriends. You are obviously free to choose what you want but personally I don't respect a guy like that, regardless of the scenario. MD
Author azazello Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 It seems like you're just making excuses though. She's not happy, he doesn't treat her right, etc. Well then why is she still living with him? You say you have nothing to lose but what about your integrity? If you make a move on her, you'll always be marked as a man that goes after girls with boyfriends. You are obviously free to choose what you want but personally I don't respect a guy like that, regardless of the scenario. MD -as far as her being unhappy, etc., thats not from my judgement or her telling me, thats from other VERY reilable sources. She is actually optimistic, overall happy with herself and so on, she'd never complain to me about certain things and thats good. So not really excuses, just facts. Justifications? Possibly. -As far as me making a move on a girl with a boyfriend, well, first of all, it would take her consent; second of all, she is not married; and finally - i actually would never hurt her or use my, ahem, special skills to steal her - it would be something more or less real if and when it happens. Overall, it's getting more and more complicated by the week. Every time i talk to her the tension is increased tenfold between us. Neither of us can leave if we are just talking. I basically have to control myself and try to convince myself that she is just being nice to just like any other guy and that I am not special. She sort of tells me otherwise.. lol.. It's hard, and i think the whole "forbidden fruit" thing makes it even worse. Im gonna be in trouble here....
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 My advice: Don't sh*t where you eat. Work stuff is BAD news. I would be concerned about the whole damsel in distress bit as well.
MadDog Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 -as far as her being unhappy, etc., thats not from my judgement or her telling me, thats from other VERY reilable sources. She is actually optimistic, overall happy with herself and so on, she'd never complain to me about certain things and thats good. So not really excuses, just facts. Justifications? Possibly. -As far as me making a move on a girl with a boyfriend, well, first of all, it would take her consent; second of all, she is not married; and finally - i actually would never hurt her or use my, ahem, special skills to steal her - it would be something more or less real if and when it happens. So if the guy catches you making a move on his live-in girlfriend, is that what you're going to tell him? "Why are you trippin' dude? I heard from VERY reliable sources that you two weren't happy?" He'd be justified in kicking your ass right then and there. That's ridiculous. Second of all, just because a girl isn't married doesn't mean you're allowed to hit on her. So when you're in a serious relationship but aren't married yet, do you think it's ok for guys to hit on your girlfriend even if they know you two are together? I doubt it. In the end I think you'll do what you want with the situation and you're posting on here to try to justify what you're going to do so you can feel somewhat better about it. That's pretty weak. MD
Author azazello Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 So if the guy catches you making a move on his live-in girlfriend, is that what you're going to tell him? "Why are you trippin' dude? I heard from VERY reliable sources that you two weren't happy?" He'd be justified in kicking your ass right then and there. That's ridiculous. Second of all, just because a girl isn't married doesn't mean you're allowed to hit on her. So when you're in a serious relationship but aren't married yet, do you think it's ok for guys to hit on your girlfriend even if they know you two are together? I doubt it. In the end I think you'll do what you want with the situation and you're posting on here to try to justify what you're going to do so you can feel somewhat better about it. That's pretty weak. MD i was never in a relationship where I did not have enough control to know whether it was going good or bad. You are saying it as if she is a doll on his bookshelf. She is not his property, and its really up to her to decide. Unless i really manipulate her, I don't see how this is evil?
Author azazello Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 My advice: Don't sh*t where you eat. Work stuff is BAD news. I would be concerned about the whole damsel in distress bit as well. the work thing is actually not that bad, more or less controllable. But yeah I am a big believer in that principle, definitely.
Author azazello Posted March 13, 2006 Author Posted March 13, 2006 So if the guy catches you making a move on his live-in girlfriend, is that what you're going to tell him? "Why are you trippin' dude? I heard from VERY reliable sources that you two weren't happy?" He'd be justified in kicking your ass right then and there. That's ridiculous. Second of all, just because a girl isn't married doesn't mean you're allowed to hit on her. So when you're in a serious relationship but aren't married yet, do you think it's ok for guys to hit on your girlfriend even if they know you two are together? I doubt it. In the end I think you'll do what you want with the situation and you're posting on here to try to justify what you're going to do so you can feel somewhat better about it. That's pretty weak. MD P.S. I do actually value your opinions and attempt to understand the "truth" behind all this. Here is a question: so when does this situation become ok? When she leaves b/f on her own and finds her way to me? And anything less is bad?
No Stress Lady Posted March 13, 2006 Posted March 13, 2006 Firstly, if she was that unhappy with her boyfriend she would leave him. By flirting, or "being cryptic" as you put it, she sounds ike the kind of girl who has to line up the next bf before leaving the current one - not a good sign. She may have an ulterior agenda if you are, as you state, "a senior person" in your organisation - could she be thinking her career will take an upward shift if she's with you? Is she attracted to you or your position? Sorry to sound cynical but these are valid considerations. Next time she mentions the bf issues "cryptically" why not just say outright that you think she's a nice girl but that she has to make her own decisions on this - don't let her think that you're prepared to date her whilst she's attached. Could get awfully messy. Also your colleagues (and hers) will almost certainly find out about your relationship if you do start dating - if she tells people all about her current situation now I can bet the whole company will soon know about you two if you start dating - would you,as a "senior" person be comfortable with that as a possibility? And what happens if things don't work out between you? Could make your working situation a little tense (to say the least!!!!!) Be very careful when thinking about dipping your pen in the office ink!!!!!! I have seen some awful scenarios develop from office relationships!!!!!! Sorry if I sound a little negative - but hope this just gives you another perspective !!!!!
Recommended Posts