lizad Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I have made a few postings on this forum and the infidelity forum.....Not going to go into a lonnng story, so the short version is, is that I am married 20 years.....pretty "normal" marriage so to speak. def. had my issues with my husband as well as myself over the years........ I got involved with a MM 2 years ago for a variety of reasons which I thought I had apparently worked through but obviously not completely. It has grown extremely deep over the two years......tried walking away many times unsuccessfully for diff. reasons....... the main thing that we do for each other is just make each other feel incredible...emotionally more than physically....even know that part is wonderful as well. NEVER thought it would come to this. I try to rationalize the A for the good and the bad....but when it comes down to it, I just fell in love. I love my husband and my life but obviously there is something missing within myself that I stepped outside my marriage. The OM and I do talk about a future.......I've ran the gamet of going back and forth. I do not think the grass is greener, I just think you trade one for another......"picking your poison" so to speak...... I know what I am doing is wrong and am hurting many people in the process and I know if it ever came to pass that I left home, it would be devastating to my family to say the least...... I just cant shake this OM......I dont want my cake and eat it too, I struggle with this everyday........ part of me wants to just get it out in the open wherever that leads but I haven't done that yet. The OM is still home and even though he tells me everyday that he wants to be with me and grow old together, he has not made the move yet....... I know, i have read and read and read about that they never leave, etc. etc..... i know every situation is different......... I am just so torn about everything except the way i feel about him. any body else out there going through this right now??? just needed to share and vent b/c there is nobody else to talk to about this........
Sami_D Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 You're both married, and ok with being in this..? Then don't worry too much... if you're both ok with the status quo..?
Author lizad Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 yes, we are both married.......but we both want more........
Sami_D Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I've read (probably far too much) about affairs... and the MM and MW affair... often goes like this... she gets a D... and he drags his heels. If your M is bad... then divorce... for you... But he's unlikely to. Just on bare figures. Not sure what you can do about that.
Author lizad Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 my marriage is not bad...I am just in love with another man......I will not do anything at this point until the OM does.....which he claims that he will be doing as we speak.....at that point, I will make a decision........
OzGirl Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 One thing at a time. Decide if you want to be with your H or not - regardless of the OM. If the answer's no - then try a trial separation - it will give you a taste of what your alternative is there. But, you have to trial a separation from the OM, too. Just spend a few months alone, and in unfamiliar territory. Then see how you feel during that time. You might be surprised at your feelings and what they tell you you want. You're in a situation you put yourself in. It's not out of your control. Think about all the options - stay with H, lose OM. Stay with H, stay with OM. Lose H, stay with OM. Lose H, lose OM. You have kids? Spend some more time with them. They might just (without knowing) answer the question for you.
Author lizad Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 thank you ozgirl for your supportive reply......It's such a difficult thing.......before there was even an OM I have been going back and forth....on paper, my marriage looks great but we've had our share of problems. we are very different.....I have been going to counseling for a few years...we tried going together but my H really didnt "believe" in it and just went for my sake. my children are older teens......I have given most of my life to my children, husband and family....... My H just wants things to be ok.....doesnt want to work thru issues just make them better...I guess the reason I am here is because I just feel so much guilt to break up my family and to hurt anyone even though what I am doing can hurt alot of people...... the A....started as a flirtation that led to an intense love affair........neither one of us planned it as I'm sure three quarters of affairs were not planned to get as deep as they have...... I am the biggest skeptic and have been skeptical about my OM........you know, not knowing whether everything that is said is the truth and so on however I DO know him and even know there are no guarantees I do believe this man loves me and wants to be with me......we talk so much about the ramifications and he is just as concerned for my family and so on......very difficult situation........ i have walked away from the OM at different intervals during these two years but my heart aches for him......
Sami_D Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Your marriage is a whole separate thing from your affair (in one way of looking at it). IF you go ahead and divorce your H, you'll then be a single OW with a MM. Take it from me, that's no great position to be in. Don't get all confused... MM is still MM, even if you're (at the moment) MW...
Blind Illusion Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I know all situations are different but for my own, sometimes I think of my marriage and my affair as two separate beams that hold each other (and me, by default) up. If I take away one of these 'beams", the other one is apt to fall now, anyhow. Like if I walk away from my other relationship, there is no way I could go back to just my marriage ever being enough since it wasn't in the first place. And if I divorced, no way in hell would I not want more from my MM. It's almost like they must co-exist together. Or both fall & I move on. That last option is probably the most healthy one for me. While I am taking baby steps towards that end, like making plans to return to work, etc, we don't always do what is healthy for us.
AJS Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 my marriage is not bad...I am just in love with another man......I will not do anything at this point until the OM does.....which he claims that he will be doing as we speak.....at that point, I will make a decision........ I felt the same way for years, it's not worth it. My H is a good man and we worked really hard to make our M work after my A. I'm so happy that I did now. If you think you can save your M, please try! I did and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!
For You I Will Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I think everyone should watch this episode from "Sex & The City." It is Season 3... SOOO true w/MM Scenarios. I watched it tonight... it made me feel GOOD. Thats all I can say. It just brings enlightment to the situation... to know that people go through what we go through... if you get a chance... watch it, it is positive
Author lizad Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 I hear what you say.....yes my marriage is worth saving for many reasons and I know that it what I should do..... I fall into the OM's charms and declarations of being together b/c when I am with him, there is no where else I would rather be. I want to believe so much that we can have a future together an all will be ok but I know it wont on all sides and of course I dont ever want to regret something that I cant get back....... I tried so many times to walk away from the Om, obviously unsuccessfully... I know i NEED to do this once and for all b/c it is affecting my marriage, naturally and who knows if he would ever leave his...... We had some pretty serious discussions this weekend, the other man and I and he gave me all the lines about wanting to spend his life with me , etc. etc....I said to him then tell your wife and leave once and for all ( he has been saying he needs to get out of his marriage for months and months) I started to really think he could do it but something he said tipped me off and you know what......he cant........ At this point I must walk away and must have the strength to finally do it and get my life back on track......... if it were only so easy to do......I am going to try.........will keep you posted. thanks for all your support
Author lizad Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 AJS....... did you tell your husband about the affair????? mine has no clue and there are nights i just want to blurt it out......and I stop myself. I kind of think that is the only way to get past it although my therapist that we have both gone to my H and I says I should NOT tell him..........
AJS Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Yes I told him,and it was not pretty. I was sure he would even leave me although he was the main problem in our M, and because of those problems I made the mistake of having an A. He understood this, took his part of the blame like a man, and we began to work on our M. It's been 4 yrs now and we are closer than we ever were in our 16 yrs together. If you think he will leave you, it's probably best NOT to tell him if you want to keep him. I know that's selfish, and wrong, but it might be for the best. Is he the type of man that can handle this? Is he mature enough to talk instead of flipping out? Think really hard about how he will handle it before you tell him.
Author lizad Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 he defint. takes his blame for the problems iin our marriage.....as far as if he would leave me......that would remain to be seen. Our therapist said that he felt telling him would be a mistake and I can def. live with the guilt.....i made the mistake and I will live with that forever however we all make mistakes and I wont beat myself up about it. I think there were many times that he some idea but he is the type that doesnt want to know.....if you know what I mean.....he doesnt want to understand problems, he just wants them fixed which is one of the reasons that led to difficulty in our marriage..... believe it or not things have gotten better between us except for the secret I have been keeping...... I am hoping that with time, this A can be a thing of the past. I'm not going to so I regret it completely b/c things happen to people to bring us where we are today........
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