He suddenly needs space-or so it seems

[niko1999]

Ok, so this relationship I have been in has been almost 8 months along. And I thought everything was going great. Then, the last few weeks, all of a sudden-or at least to me-there was an about face in his attitude. He went from ignoring me to giving me some attention, but for the last couple of weekends, practically ignored me.

 

SO this morning, he tells me I need to just go home for a little bit. So I gathered up ALL my stuff from his house, and brought it back to my apt with me. I IM'ed him just saying that I was sorry if I had done anything(still totally clueless at this point) and he writes me an email, which I am going to put in here. I guess what I am getting at is I just want a bunch of different opinions, and get a general consessus from everyone and what they think. becuase I think unbiased opinions would be best for me right now, so heres the email

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I believe at the least right now I owe you an explanation for my attitude. You called me Friday night and left a message saying that if I wanted you to come over to call. Now last I knew, at 11 AM to 12:30 PM Saturday I hadn't called you. Yet you showed up on my doorstep anyways. Now I can understand if you just wanted to swing by and say hi. But the fact of the matter is, prior to showing up, you had called both my cell phone and my home phone. Neither one of which I had answered. So either A) I may not have been home, B) I may have been sleeping, or C) I may have been otherwise occupied and didn't know my phones had gone off. So needless to say, with all of that in mind, you came over anyways. Without me having called you back or asked you to come by. You told me at one point to let you know if you were being like a stalker. Well here's the notice. The fact that I do not have any time to myself is what is bugging the **** out of me. And is also making me push you further away. All my free time on the weekends is with you. The couple hours I have after work to relax from that day just does not cut it. It is not enough down time for me. Right now, I need that time. Whether it's just to **** off for a bit, or even just sit in front of the damn TV.

Also, at the same time, you knew full well I had a lot of work to get done this weekend. I had to load the ALLDATA disc's to the hard drive, plus I have to fix a couple of computers and there is still a bunch of things I wanted to get accomplished after all of that. Namely my house is a god damned disaster area. Now when you are here, I cannot do most of that and actually focus on what needs to be done. The momentary interruptions of my train of thought cost's me time. And from my point of view, time is money. Most of the jobs I have to do this weekend are paying jobs. I told you at the outset work comes first. And I also told you that is the main reason why most of my relationships do not work. You said you did not care. Well, welcome to the reality of it all. This is how I am. I am not going to be changing anytime soon, and you knew that too.

Now before I say a **** load more, I am going to go. I will talk to you later at some point, probably tonight.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading guys, and any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[martha washington]

Wow, he sounds like an a**h***! There's nothing at all wrong with wanting some space. However, that email is pretty shockingly mean and self-centered. There are plenty of ways to balance work, space and relationships without being such a jerk.

[niko1999]

See thats the thing. This email was so out of character of him. Hes not an a**h***(well, right now im pretty unimpressed). I emailed him back, and now im kind of wishing i hadnt. unfortunatley there is nothing i can do about it now. he hasnt called or IMed me yet either. Thanks for replying. we work together, so I guess if nothing else, Ill see how he is tomorow.

[whichwayisup]

Actually, I think he was BRUTALLY honest. I'm sure he hurt your feelings, but I think right now what he said is a good thing. He didn't tell you, I want to break up, he told you how HE FELT by your actions. Calling too much, dropping by unannounced. He is feeling invaded and he got pissed off, and reacted.

 

He could have said worse, but he didn't. He didn't name-call, or scream at you. He was blunt and told you how it is.

 

So, it's up to you now. Either dump him or accept this is how things are going to be with him. He more or less has said he isn't going to change for you.

 

The best thing right now, be pleasent to him when you see him at work, but DO NOT hang around with him. Let HIM approach you. Let HIM decide when you two are going to talk about it all.

 

If he isn't an a**h***, then soon enough he is going to feel bad about hurting your feelings and will contact you. So, wait it out, as hard as it may be, DO NOT call, email or IM him. Or make efforts to 'see' him at work. Keep busy and just let things happen on their own.

 

Can I ask what you said to him in your reply?

[SuperMonk]

He's trying to shift the blame of his problems on to you, that ain't good. He probably doesn't have those romantic feelings nor that much respect for you, not good. At this point you and him are on the verge of a breakup, and if it does happen or has happened already, then you should prepare for it.

 

The last couple of weekends ignoring you can only mean one thing.

 

He has found another girl.

[hyakku]

Woah monk, that is not necessarily true.

 

What it sounds like has happened, is that from the getgo he told HER that his work was the primary focus, and that if she wanted to accept this, so sbe it but at the same time he did say to her that work was above her.

 

When he can't accomplish this she is "getting in his way". The harsh reality of it is, you expected him to change, he hasn't, and now you are upset that he's letting you know.

 

Give him space, at least let him get his work done.

[whichwayisup]

I re-read that email again, and now I don't know what to think. I don't think he's seeing someone else, unless him saying "I may have been otherwise occupied and didn't know my phones had gone off" is a hint to something. But, I seriously doubt he would have gone through so much effort to email you his thoughts if that was the case.

 

His point of not being able to get anything done with you there, I believe. When one is extremely focussed and needs to get stuff done, it is hard to have their boyfriend/girlfriend around. It IS a distraction. In a good way ofcourse, but it still means the stuff doesn't get done if you're there.

 

See what happens tomorrow. Try and get some sleep tonight.

[niko1999]

Thanks for your replys guys. No, I dont think there is another girl, he barely has time for me:) and thus far, I am the only one who has not cheated on him. In the email I sent back to him, I said my peace. Told him if he feels he needs to sit around and do nothing with me not there, that is cool. Told him that is one of the reasons I hung out with a friend last weekend, and I was goig to do so again yesterday(I had originally stopped by for just a quick hi, and the weather turned sheety rather quickly, so needless to say, I didnt drive 2.5 hours north to hang out iwth a friend) Apolgized for coming across "stalker"ish, becuase I didnt realize that I was doing that(it was the only time I apologized)

 

TOld him how I understood that he put work ahead of things, that I had had the chance to run many months ago, and didnt then and I dont plan on it now either. Also told him that if he needed space then to TELL me, not ignore me, becuase, like him, I dont necessarily take well to hints either. that i have a tendency to pull the wool over my eyes in a relationship, and pretened everything is ok. But taht I am also willing to work things out and work on this too. I told him how I have been happier(with the exception of the last three weeks or so) then I have been in a long time. And I kind of left it at that. SEnt the email, have resisited the urge to IM him or call him, figure I will see him tomorow at work. Wont go out on break with him, and let him do his own thing. WHen he wants to, if he wants to, then he can come to me. Just kind of wish I HADNT sent that email, becuase he still hasnt written me or called me. Aw well. nothing I can do about it now. So tell me your thoughts guys. And thanks for the replies

[whichwayisup]

You did the right thing by emailing him back. I know if it was me, I would have too.

 

He did say he'd talk to you at some point, probably tonight. So, it's still early yet. IF he does call, listen to what he has to say but then when he's done, he has to give you the respect of listening to what you have to say as well.

 

It is good you appologized for coming off as a stalker, and not to anything else. (though, he could have called you either way to say YES or NO, not calling period wasn't cool, he could have made that small effort.) You haven't done anything else to be sorry for.

 

My thoughts are now, knowing he has been cheated upon in the past, he has trust issues. So when he feels you two becoming closer, he steps back abit, the walls go up and he gets busy. A classic sign of someone who is scared of being hurt again. If you love him and want him, then just reaffirm how you truely feel about him. Eventually it will pay off and he'll feel more open and be ready to get close again. Though as frustrating as it is for you at times, it seems the relationship now has to be on his terms.

 

All things aside, how is the rest of your relationship? The sex? Is he fun? Does he treat you well most of the time?

[niko1999]

I have never expected him to change, have told him that too, so I know that is not the issue. I think maybe he was re-itterating is point that he isnt going to change. And I stil accept that. I think temporarily stepping back is a good thing for me to do.

 

Aside from this, the relationship is awesome. THe sex is awesome, he tells me Im beautiful. Holds all doors for me, is there for me emotionally. A few weeks ago(actually the weekend before he started just becoming distant), we had an awesome talk, and we talked about a LOT of things, and we both really opened up to eachother. Im afraid of stepping wrongly right now, and I really want to make this work. I really appreciate you guys and your opinions, its helping me out a lot right now, just to see what other people say. With my luck though, hes probalby a member to this board and will see everything. THanks guys, youre really helping me right now

[Candied-Heart]

Wow, he sounds like an a**h***! There's nothing at all wrong with wanting some space. However, that email is pretty shockingly mean and self-centered. There are plenty of ways to balance work, space and relationships without being such a jerk.

 

Not always true. Sometimes people snap after leaving the issue to build up over time. I know I've snapped at people who wouldn't get the hint, which the poster offered he do in the first place. I agree it is pretty blunt and agressive, yet perhaps that's what he is intending.. to get the message across because it isn't seeming to lately.

 

I would back off greatly. Not to the point of ignoring him but take up some hobbies and see some friends, let him come to you once he's had space and then talk. I wouldn't have e-mailed him back at all. But since you did, establish space from here on out and see if things change. Otherwise it's his attitude that is the problem rather than the 'space.'

[niko1999]

Yeah Im kind of wishing I hadnt emailed him back, but I didnt blubber in it, so....that was at about 100 this afternoon. But I havent emailed him since, I havent contacted him in anyway. And unfortunatley, there is nothing that I can do about already having had sent that email. I do see friends, I did last week, and did a few weeks before that, and had plans of doing so again this weekend, but the weather turned bad. And as I said too, its not like I can totally NOT talk to him, becuase I work with him, theres really no way to get around him. SO all I can do right now is sit and wait. But youre right candied heart, I do need to keep doing my own things,haning out with friends on the weekends(unfortunatly theyre mostly all about 2.5 hours away from here). But a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

[Candied-Heart]

I think he needs time to 'miss' you. Because right now he's taking your loving prescence for granted. He thinks he can just push you away like a child does his plaything and that's just not right.

[niko1999]

He just IM'ed me, so I guess we'll have to see. Yes, I would like for him to miss me and I would love nothing more than to work out my relationship wiht him. HOpefully things will work out. Ill letyou guys know how this convo goes

[whichwayisup]

Well, it sounds like you two have a good thing going.

 

Always speak from your heart, no matter what. No regrets!

 

Let us know how the talk goes.

[niko1999]

Snip its of our convo tonight.....

 

 

"the way i work is complicated. i will let things slide until they reach a breaking point. then i shut down for a while cause i cant figure out what is bugging me. then when i finally figure it out it takes a while to figure out what to do. and it im pushed i end up snapping"

 

YOu were right iwth that one candied heart

 

 

"well, now that I once again feel like a comlete failure at relationships:)"

[ "y?

[]: you went directly from one relationship into another without standing on your own two feet for any length of time to get to know yourself again"

 

 

i think we need to take a haitus for a little while

[23:17] NikoNinteyNine9: yeah. Ive heard that before

[23:18] eafurness: from me?

[23:18] eafurness: or people that were screwing around with your head

[23:18] NikoNinteyNine9: people who were screwing around with my head

[23:19] eafurness: and what gives you the slightest incling that i am fu**ing with your head???????????????????????????/

[23:19] NikoNinteyNine9: I never said that

[23:19] NikoNinteyNine9: I just dont hold much faith in a "hiatus" is all, from past experience

[23:19] eafurness: and since when is this now a past experiance?

[23:20] NikoNinteyNine9: ok?

[23:20] NikoNinteyNine9: So its a presnt experience then.

[23:20] eafurness: WE need time. WE need to take a step back. WE need to stop making assumptions about the other person.

[23:21] NikoNinteyNine9: ok?

[23:23] eafurness: YOU still have issues to deal with from past relationships. I keep mine in check because I took the time after my last failed relationship to be me. to find myself. YOU need to take the time to do the same if WE are to be anything but a so called PAST relationship.

[23:23] eafurness: I have some of my own issues to work out also

[23:25] eafurness: I dont know how that will be for us. but a haitus is what is in order. give us time to rethink our places in the grand ole scheme of things that we have no control over. namely emotions.

 

 

 

So at the moment, we're on a hiatus. we'll just have to see what comes of that, and for the time being, Im just goig to have to try and keep myself occupied. THanks for all the help so far you guys.

[Butterflying]

He really laid it all out to you in plain English. His email was direct, yet uncritical of you. That's shows he has a lot of respect for you despite your recent misunderstandings.

 

I agree that showing up to his home unannounced after he asked you to leave was wrong. However, you seem to have responded to his email very well. You apologized and let him know that you are in this for the long haul. Couldn't have handled it better myself!!

 

You're in love. Try not be be too clingy. Sounds like this man does need space. Gosh, I wish the man I love would send me an explaination like this instead of ignoring me. Could you imagine having someone you love stop talking to you for months at a time with no explaination other than, he's been busy at work? I think you're fortunate to have this man.

[whichwayisup]

He was completely honest with you - SO there would be no misunderstandings. He has explained himself, who he is and why, how he handles things and that is great!

 

It doesn't have to be a long break apart, infact I think you two still should talk. And keep being affectionate too, meaning let him know you love him.

 

He's got a good heart. And so do you.

[Guest]

My thoughts are now, knowing he has been cheated upon in the past, he has trust issues. So when he feels you two becoming closer, he steps back abit, the walls go up and he gets busy. A classic sign of someone who is scared of being hurt again. If you love him and want him, then just reaffirm how you truely feel about him. Eventually it will pay off and he'll feel more open and be ready to get close again. Though as frustrating as it is for you at times, it seems the relationship now has to be on his terms.

Thats a very good advice, I see that with my boyfriend recently which has been making me feel quite frustrated. Things were getting 'serious' now he seems to be acting 'casual'. I am deciding to let my guy just have his time alone and let him figure his own stuff out instead of always invading him, maybe he might know what he wants with me then.

[niko1999]

Today was a good day at work with him. He flirted with me like he used to it was rather fun actually. Kind of weird to not give him a kiss goodbye whne we left, but hey, what can you do? You guys have been so incredibly helpful, I really do appreciate it. Any other thoughts/advice are just as appreciated! Ill keep you guys posted

[clynn]

I actually think that this is a NICE story.

 

You spend a lot of time together obviously, workign together and what not.

 

He was direct and honest. That can be hard to hear, but phewww, at least you can deal with that!

 

Funny how men get all serious and then follow that up with "freak-out-itis". Then, hopefully, you'll be back where you were before - but probably even better.

 

Now, in the future, he will know that he doesn't have to freak out to let you know what is going on. He can just SAY it. And maybe you'll be better at picking up on his signals. Good for you saying you are not a mind reader, though.

[niko1999]

He wrote me a quick IM tonight while I wasnt at my computer(had my away message up), and said he has a few thoughts to sort out still, and worse case, he sends me an email instead of us talking, but that this time, it shouldnt make me cry. So we will see.... THanks for all the support so far guys, its helped immensly

[clynn]

Well, unless he asked you a specific question, I don't think that you need to respond.

 

Just leave it. Of course there are still issues to "sort out". There always are.

 

But I wouldn't be approaching him at all right now. Let him do the calling and contacting.

[niko1999]

He didnt ask me a specific question. The only response I gave was OK. Just so he knew I recieved it, but nothing more. So I will wait and see. He didnt talk to me until late last night, hopefully it wont be another late night.