Hairydavey Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Hi, first time here as im hoping for some advice! I've been seeing this woman now for the last 4 months whom I have deep feelings for, but im rather confused. She does have a very busy worklife, something that she told me and I accepted when we first started seeing each other, so therefore I give her a lot of space, only calling a couple of times a week with the odd text message thrown in now and again. We used to see each other once or twice a week, although recently that has dwindled to sometimes once a fortnight or longer. The problem I have here is not so much her busy worklife, but at the weekends and most weekdays I don't get a look-in. Last weekend she was in Cardiff on a hen party weekend, fair enough I thought, but this weekend she dissapeared to Torquay for yet another night out with the girls, thing is, this is not just the last couple of weekends, she has done this nearly every single weekend since we have been seeing each other. I have started to drop hints that she needs to calm down a bit and include me sometimes in her spare time, though I have tried to do this as diplomatically as possible without looking like im controlling or forcing her, 2 things I don't want to do. Basically I don't get included in her weekend plans, although I do appreciate that she needs her own space and social life. But it's getting a little excessive, her main hobby just seems to be going out and getting drunk while I get forgotten about. Although she doesn't call often and I am likewise in return (we call each other 1 or 2 times a week), when we do actually find the time to meet up, she does show plenty of affection, and we get on very well, talking about anything and everything, kisses, hugs, sex etc etc. Im puzzled..............Why does she seem to cut me out of her weekends and much of her free time yet when we meet up, she shows affection and is warm and friendly as ever. Is this some kind of odd mindgame?
SuperMonk Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Hmm, it doesn't seem like a "girlfriend/boyfriend" situation eh? Even after 1 month of a serious relationship it should have phone calls going in and out almost every day (or for the online mofo, everyday) with convo going back and forth. Kinda weird of the girlfriend not inviting you to do things with her, in my experience it only means she wants you to be part of the "sexual" part of her life but not her "intimate" part of her life. A true serious relationship has both and this one is more like a relationship of convenience. Most LSers will say "go talk to her about it" but in most cases dumping this girl and finding someone else will be the end result even if you do talk about it. I would just say plan on looking for another girl. Your gut is telling you something is wrong with the picture, listen to it.
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I would say she is dating you, but you're not her boyfriend... If she was really into you, she'd make the time and even more so EVERY weekend. You can handle this in two ways...Either lay it all out on the line for her - Open up and tell her all your feelings, what you want out of her and the relationship (I don't understand why you are not 'included' in life) and if she still doesn't get it, then suggest to her that maybe it's best not to see eachother anymore. OR, you can back off completely and let her call you and make all the effort to see you. Whatever you decide, listen to your gut. Another thing is, why does she drink so much? Why is she spending all her free time partying and drinking.
Author Hairydavey Posted February 26, 2006 Author Posted February 26, 2006 Thanks for all the advice so far. This is a bizarre situation for me, one I've not been in before. All smiles and talks when she's present, then i'm shut out for long periods of time, and my patience is wearing thin I must admit! As for why she drinks to excess, well she never said, but then again I never asked (well not yet anyway). My guess is that if she gets too deep emotionally with me that she may lose contact with some of her friends (which would be stupid, wouldn't try and stop her having a good time). This is just me having a wild stab here, though I intend to have a chat with her to see how this situation is panning out. Seeing as this has been going on for 4 months, I've dropped her a hint in a text that I have all of next weekend off..................If she decides to go and sideline me again...........then very sorry but goodbye I think. Shame, nice girl but I can't cope with being shut out for weeks on end, I don't see why on earth I should put up with it.
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Don't hint - after 4 months I think you two need to sit down and really talk. Open up and TELL her how you feel and what you expect from her...Listen to what she has to say too, and hopefully both of you will be able to work this out. You are right, you shouldn't be shut out. I mean, why else have a girlfriend if all she is going to do is not include you in her life. Makes no sense to me. Let us know how the talk goes!
gfto Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 You have a better chance of winning the lottery than you do of landing a good relationship with this girl. Tell her good-bye.
magda Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I don't think she's serious about you and the relationship. You sound more like a booty call at this point. Also I find it odd that you expect her to automatically include you in her weekend plans. Whatever happened to asking her out on a date? Why the "hinting that you're available"?
SuperMonk Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 As for why she drinks to excess, well she never said, but then again I never asked (well not yet anyway). My guess is that if she gets too deep emotionally with me that she may lose contact with some of her friends (which would be stupid, wouldn't try and stop her having a good time). This is just me having a wild stab here, though I intend to have a chat with her to see how this situation is panning out. Doood, if you're with a girl who enjoys drinking a lot with her friends then that is usually a sign of someone with problems. I'd understand if you and her were gonna down 5-7 drinks in private doing crazy kinky sexual stuff together, but with other people at the same time you are interested in her, RED FLAG! Don't guess, STOP rationalizing. "Gets too deep emotionally" Dude - it's been 4 months. Not 4 weeks. If she's not treating you like one of her best friends..but just another "friend" (errr ahem, i mean boyfriend) then you got someone who doesn't feel the same way for you. I was in a relationship like this... two times and it wasn't great. Bail out soon while spring is right around the corner.
Author Hairydavey Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 I don't think she's serious about you and the relationship. You sound more like a booty call at this point. Also I find it odd that you expect her to automatically include you in her weekend plans. Whatever happened to asking her out on a date? Why the "hinting that you're available"? I have asked her out on dates quite a few times, and have had some good times with her. I've never expected her to include me in her weekend as I've only been out on a couple of saturdays with her in 4 months (I have my social life too), but a bit more time reserved for us instead of her beer buddies (she drinks a lot more often than me) wouldn't have gone amiss. But thankyou guys and girls for the advice, head is spinning a bit as working out what to do...........god I hate this lol!
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