Good friends really are worth their weight in gold

[Girl from London]

Dears,

 

Can anyone kindly advise me on my social situation?

Like some other writers in this forum, I suffer more or less everyday from the poignant absence of a group of friends, or even a boyfriend.

 

I have been back living in my home town, London, for 3 years, since returning from France where I studied the theatre, made one true blue friend and lived through a highly conflictual, dramatic, passionate relationship to its last breath.

 

As an actress I had a lot of problems due to not being able to relax around people, being constantly tense and on my guard with anyone but my few close and trusted friends.Since leaving the theatre milieu, I have turned my hand to a number of jobs, studies, activities (music, art, language-learning) and learnt to be more socially relaxed. I have always met many people in my life, and can be very open and entertaining when I choose to be; but its the classic case of having no circle of friends to hang out with, do exciting things together with, rely on their company. I am basically a loner who does things by herself, goes to the odd party, meets the odd random stranger and keeps in touch with close friends who all seem far away, by telephone.

 

I know men find me attractive because I often get looks on the train/bus (on solitary journeys in the city) and people say they are surprised when I tell them I am single (which isnt of course a crime, after all!)

I know that my problem lies with my approach to social interaction, and the fact that I have chopped and changed many times in my life. I am quite a passionate person, and have a strong sense of integrity and honesty with people. I HATE SOCIAL PRETENSE. Add to the mix a dash of intellectualism, lots of churning emotions and thoughts always going on under my surface, and I guess people must find this a bit intimadating. It also makes fitting into a group hard, that process of adapting to their values, language, fashions etc. I am quite compassionate aswell (little things often make me cry) and this makes me instictively mistrustful of superficial types which the world seems so clustered with.

 

My girlfriend here in London has just introduced me to her group of friends, all very successful, and up for fun. I feel as though it is very much HER group of friends , though and I dont want to appear desperate. I am hoping things will progress and I will finally be accepted into a group of people..

 

In the meantime: any social tips/insights would be greatly appreciated!

I would love to hear from you...

[Guest (**)]

GFL,

 

There is nothing wrong with your situation!

There is nothing wrong with being on your guard!

Of course everyone, in some cases, makes a bad judgement when it comes to friends and girl/boy friends. It's how you learn and grow!

Live! Learn!

 

I don't quite understand why you have to fit into any group or adapt to their values (just because it is their values does not mean it has to be yours), but you should keep an open mind and be respectful of other peoples way of life.

 

My advice to you on the social tips/insights is to "be yourself".

Thing will workout.

 

 

**

[Quinch]

This reminds me so much of my own situation. I have one good friend who I hardly see because she is married, lives in another town and is too busy running her business and another friend who also lives in another town and her jealous boyfriend won't let her talk to me. How exactly are you supposed to make friends these days when you don't know anyone? You can't just walk up to someone and say 'hi, will you be my friend?' (like you could when you were at nursery school). Some people make friends easy and some don't so I totally know where you're coming from. The first thing to remember is that this isn't your fault and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. That sort of thinking only makes things worse. Trust me. I've been there and done it and ripped the t-shirt into little bits. Hope this helps and things get better for you.

[Curmudgeon]

Is it possible you're always in character? That can make it difficult to cultivate friendships because no one can glimpse the real you. I found myself in that "role" at one time and simply had to eventually relax and let the real me show through. The end results were wonderful.