MisterX Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Hi all..i have been lurking and looking at these forums for a lonnnnggg time... finally having the energy and guts to post and maybe have you all tell me what i don't want to hear My story is this...married 15 yrs ..2 kids..girls 11 and 8 .....i am the type that probably feels alot more than he shows..i deeply love my wife and value my commitment...i never cheated or cam close to cheating..however..over the years we drifted apart SEXUALLY...SEXUALLY ONLY...i took paxil and other meds for anxiety ..work was stressful beyond beleif..we had kids that were sleeping in our bed ...you get the picture..over time we hugged/kissed but it never seemed to be sexual..i was not feeling it (paxil was a big part of it). plus my wife is so wrapped up in her own melodrama about her family that i always felt second fiddle to her issues with her mom and sisters(and sometimes her freinds or the mess or etc etc...)... anyway..last yr i say hey honey..lets go away lets get together and do something for just us..she responds...nope..i'm not in love with you anymore...she says she's "lost" etc..btw ..we're early 40's sound familiar???....for the whole yr we live like icicles in the same house... my feeling on marriage is that it is for life..we have issues, we agreed to stay together. we can "choose" to work on these issues..i took responsibility for my side of the bargain..but over the yr..we never were able to reconnect..btw ..we hardly fought either..and so it was like an arrangement with the kids central to us.. however, the grind started to wear on both of us..and finally we have some big battles..she wants "space" she wants "time" to work on herself..so i say go ahead..of course i'm the bread winner(and it's alot of bread!!! money doesnt buy happiness).... we have kids, etc... so for the good of both of us..i agree to move out..this is devastating beyond words to me and goes against everything i beleive in...my kids say daddy why are YOU leaving...aARGGGHH...(thats a sideline i know they cannot be in the middle and i would never put them there)... so i off i go..to my new apartment..couple of suits. clothes...computer..xbox(heh), and really no agreement on how to separate..just that she would have some space.. so that was 10 weeks ago.. over the 10 weeks i have spent alot of time with her and the kids..we have gone out on "dates" twice. and went on an overnite trip...we have been incredibly "nice" to each other..and exchanged valentine's day cards..mine said i love you!!! her's said...you're cute (ahem)..we exchanged gifts...something wrong at the house, she calls me...no problem..i take the kids one nite a week(a bear for me because i have to go to work late) and every other weekend.. i love the time i spend with my kids and i love the time i spend with my wife..there has been more affection and huggin then ever so up until yesterday my feeling was that this is going in a good direction.. (whew - alot of writing!!)... if you're still interested !!! pls read on to the next post!!!!!!!!!!
Author MisterX Posted February 26, 2006 Author Posted February 26, 2006 sooo anyway... yesterday alot of events conspired to get us all together for the whole day..lunch movies dinner with kids and family..this really moved me but after dinner i said i'd leave..we hugged for about 5 minutes and i said i gotta go and then said i really loved how the day went and it felt right and felt really good about things..and she froze and muttered something quietly i could barely hear but it was "i know you do, i'm sorry"...this felt like a ton of bricks to me..i stepped back and she knew how i felt and i started walking out and she followed and said dont feel bad..and i said i was feeling worse than bad.. i commented something about how i had the wrong impression and thought we were taking some steps forward..she really didnt respond and started to cry and said what do you want me to do lie??..so now i'm feeling like an idiot..i pushed too hard and she backed off big time.. now i've read all the books.ALL OF THEM!!! LOL....even the rip-off ebooks. i have a therapist..WE HAD one but she quit... now she started seeing a therapist. i feel like we are on last gasp... i might be critisized(sp?) for this but for 13 months i have been really hanging by showing her how much i care and what i'm willing to do to make our marriage work...last nite it just felt like i was wasting my time... i would do no contact but we have KIDS!!!! i want to see them everyday so what's my question??? i don't know actually..anybody got a magic pill?? seriously i would be interested in a woman's insight into what she is thinking...my wife seems very confused and all over the place and i keeping having moments like last nite where my little fantasy of slowly wooing her back to my side is not working... should i just say times up! we clearly talked about this being temporary to give her space..but we never agreed on how to end the seperation.. I'm clearly not getting what i want out of this..if she really wants space that bad..she can leave! or should i just as my best confidant told me(he of 2 divorces!!!) at some point you just have to not give a s%%*(!!...if you can do that she will come back..keep separated and just stop worrying about how she feels and stop anwsering the phone and dealing with her problems. or should i swallow this as a setback..we really have been having great times together and i've been happy(fooled?) by all the affection i've been getting since i set up in an apartment.. Ive seen so much good discussion and support on this board i'm finally sticking my toe in...it seems actually like what i'm going thru is very common or???? like i said magic pill????
Xillr8ng Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Wow...You have posted on my thread that your situation was similar...Yes indeed..W/out children though which makes this much more difficult..I am sorry you have to endure this.Notice the word I chose,"ENDURE"....I think you are doing the most that can be done right now.But you are going to have to learn endurance just as I did and still practicing..Be patient..As stated by a lot of LS helpers,sometimes the key is to pull back....way back...Always be there for your children ,yes,but I think that you are in the same area that I was just a few months ago...Every single time I tried to Wooo her or send letters or flowers it always backfired or I got no response which hurt worse...When I pulled way back and distanced myself by not calling and not jumping on her messages on my cell ,I noticed a change in the attitude.Ya see what I've come to learn these last few months is that the woman has ALREADY emotionaly detached herself from the marraige long before it comes to a seperation.She has already given up and now you are trying TOO hard.She is probably thinking "too little too late"...I think they still care for us they are just not in love with us.The excitement they once held has been fading away and we just never saw it.You probably read my posts concerning my wifes reaction to the fact that "I" took the initiative to seek counseling on "MY" own and for "ME"...And I have to tell you I am still shocked that she agreed to see him...Actions---- louder than words...and I don't mean actions like chasing her or trying harder to woo her ./I mean actions to better YOU....and trust me when I say that she will see the changes in you...The best thing I couldve done I think is the MC and by not pushing any conversations or guilt or defending myself..It was hard for me to come to understand is that it has taken A LONG time to get to this point and it will NOT heal itself any time soon...A woman takes a very long time to heal and or get over things.Right now she is rerunning all the things in her mind that have brought her to where she is today.Every time she sees you she rewinds those things and plays them back (reassuring her that she's made the right choice).Endurance is the key I beleive..patience ....Time is the only true freind we have right now...So be true to this freind and and try not to push..Hang in there...
Ladyjane14 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 seriously i would be interested in a woman's insight into what she is thinking...my wife seems very confused and all over the place and i keeping having moments like last nite where my little fantasy of slowly wooing her back to my side is not working... If I wanted to divorce my husband, the first thing I would do is to maneuver him out of the house. And I would say whatever was necessary in order to get him to leave. Then I would stall for time...time to allow him to get accustomed to his new lifestyle, as well as time for me to see if I could make it on my own. Honestly....I don't know how you guys keep falling for that one! It must be male pride or something. But you can read thread...after thread...after thread...here at LS and on other sites, and it's a consistant theme. Although, I have also noticed that in most of those threads, the men involved generally acknowledge the deficits that they brought to the relationship, and they tend to feel very guilty at this stage. Clearly, you messed up. It's just as wrong for a man to deny sexual intimacy to his wife as for a woman to deny it to her husband. And it usually ends with the same results. The rejected partner backs away from the marriage. Are you reasonably certain that you don't have 'a snake in your woodpile', btw? I don't want to sound paranoid, but...these days, women seem to be just as likely to make the mistake of looking outside the marriage for SF as their sex-starved counterparts. That's not to say that your wife is cheating. Sometimes, women just get fed up enough that they throw in the towel. Generally speaking, women are more likely to file for divorce than men are, when it comes to leaving the marriage without having a new love interest. But if there was another man who's got her attention, that fact would change the parameters of the problem, as well as your responses. should i just say times up! we clearly talked about this being temporary to give her space..but we never agreed on how to end the seperation.. I'm clearly not getting what i want out of this..if she really wants space that bad..she can leave! or should i just as my best confidant told me(he of 2 divorces!!!) at some point you just have to not give a s%%*(!!...if you can do that she will come back..keep separated and just stop worrying about how she feels and stop anwsering the phone and dealing with her problems. or should i swallow this as a setback..we really have been having great times together and i've been happy(fooled?) by all the affection i've been getting since i set up in an apartment.. I think the first thing you should do is to definitively rule out the possibility of another romantic entanglement. You may need to hire a PI in order to get that done. It's important though that you know the parameters of the problem. Having the appropriate information will help you make better decisions. If you feel like she's being honest, and the trial separation is legitimately being used to work on the marital issues, you might want to allow it to continue. Sometimes, a woman just wants to get your attention. She wants to see that you're willing to make changes and that you're able to stick with them. If that's the case, you'll be required to PROVE that you're a guy who can get the job done. But if you have reason to believe that you're being maneuvered out of your family dynamic....and I mean GOOD reasons to believe it....then my impulse would be to force the situation to a head. You can do that by moving back into the home, or by filing for settlement on your divorce. Moving back into the house would p*ss her off, that's true. But you don't care...because she's divorcing you anyway, right? I think it would put you in a better legal position to defend yourself in case of a protracted divorce settlement though. Make certain that you check with your lawyer before you show up unannounced with your baggage in tow. If you've established another residence, there's a possibility that she might be able to keep you out. The other option, filing for settlement, would cause her to look at the real consequences of leaving the marriage. Reality would need to be addressed....without the safety net that you are currently providing her. Child custody and support would be established, and she might not be able to afford to keep the family home. A 'peek through the window if divorce' can be a wake-up call, particularly if you do your business without animosity and with no detectable trace of vindictiveness.
Owl Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I agree with LJ (as always...LOL!). Lots of key phrases here indicate she's likely involved with someone...and has been since BEFORE you've seperated. The "I love you but not in love with you"..."needing space"..."time to work on herself"...feeling "lost". These are almost always clear signs of an affair...I know...my wife used virtually all the same comments too. And her spending this time with you recently...it's for a two fold reason. One...she's likely feeling guilty for what she's done. Two...she's 'cake eating'. She's having this other person fill some of her emotional needs, and you to fill the others. Hire a PI, or get a friend she doesn't know to check her out. Lots of things you can do here...just use your imagination. Its clear that at least ONE of her emotional needs that you stopped meeting that led to this problem is SF...physical fulfillment. Start asking around, learn as much as you can, then let us know what you've found out so we can help you with more advice.
Author MisterX Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 wow!! what great responses. but no magic pill!!! it looks like 2 different opinions tho!!!!! i have so many thoughts ..i'll try to be concise I would sum up my reaction as follows.. i saw her again yesterday and i started to chill out as best i could..i am really really hurting and thinking thoughts about my kids and how i'm playing with their lives and their happiness..very sad...it is so fr**#ing hard to balance the feelings/fear part of it and the rational part of it...rationally i know what i should be doing..(not exactly but know generally i really need to back off/take a stand)...but i'm so afraid to do it... i can't realistically change 15 yrs of behavour over nite but i guess that also means that a little change might go along way..in fact it seems like it did go a long way..i was not touchy feely and warm like usual, and guess what...she was all smiles, asking me about things at work, hugging me from behind while i sat in front of crossword puzzle...so totally different dynamic than the other day. also i am reasonably certain she is not dating..however..i am a computer expert and altho i'm not exactly proud of it, i can see what websites she visits..but i've never looked at her email...i know in the past week she has logged onto 2 "Dating" websites and looked at lots of profiles...!!!! i also know she has never done that in the last 2 years i got this info just because i was on the computer at the house and it wasnt even hidden it just showed up in the favorites section... ...anyway..obviously that hurts bad but i must admit that last summer when we were starting to get real about dealing with this i checked them out too but just kind of looked at pictures and never thought of it..anyway...no way around it this is a bad thing but i also think it shows she is not messing around (yet) i really really thought i was making progress, its clear that i'm not. i have been advised by legal counsel that it is by far better to be in the house when negotiating a settlement..no matter how "nice" and "temporary" it was at the start...so the common theme in both xhilr8ate and ladyjane's thoughts is i need to back off...the question is how ...i guess right now i could just take the easier route and just chill as best i can...that could generate some more reaction ..then if chilling is not working or just pushing me deeper into a funk i have to put myself back into the house.. as bad at it sounds, its more confusing than anything because the time we have spent together has been really excellent..not just wishful thinking.. yet whenever i push i get the same response.. either i'm still numb, i feel lost, i really do love you i just dont feel in love...it's maddening..
Author MisterX Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 hmmm hopefully no double post...my other post didnt make it!..anyway.. what? no magic pill?? ... thnx for feedback, its great to chat and it makes me at least feel a little better to openly talk about this. couple of thoughts..ENDURE..thats the word this has been more than a year since she said she's not in love anymore..yesterday my mother told me i was like a puppy dog just waiting to get called back..ouch(and she is actually usually being real supportive!!!!!!) i did go back to sit with kids sunday night, i was really really upset and nervous but as soon as i walked in i got a huge smile and lots of happy chatter from my wife. trust me the nite before i left her crying and numb and it was miserable..my response was to stay focused and just do what i came to do which was stay with the kids..at one point before she left she came over while i was sitting and hugged me from behind..i tried my best to not respond too much..it was clear she was compensating for last nite..anyway..here's the kicker...so i log onto the computer and it pops right up in that little arrow list of sites...2 dating sites!!!! now i know alot about computers,,so i checked the history(i've done this before) and for the first time ever she was on the dating websites!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i have to admit last summer in a fit i logged onto eharmony and then ignored the barrage of emails i still get, so i'm not going to get overly bent out of shape, but that's the final piece i need to latch onto and get angry about. based on what i saw, she created a username so she could look at the profiles.. but didnt post an advert about herself...........yet so its after 8pm, here , i'm still at work bringing home the bacon, and basically stewing about my next options..this is obvious even to me that this is not good. so my only question is how to pull back. i know this sounds weak, but i still love my wife and especially want to do everything possible to not have my kids in a broken home. right now i'm thinking that i can bear staying away for a little while longer but change the way i'm treating things..after me kissing her you know what for the last 15 yrs, i think even small changes will be noticed..it's not clear that i will be able to really do it actually, i would have to totally change my behavior.. the other way, is to just lay it more on the line and express that this space thing is not getting us anywhere and i dont like being out of the house so i'm coming back....this will be a major blowup, but what do i have to lose? the other problem is that i still after all this can't get the thought out of my mind that if i'm patient and i just wait and suck up all this anguish, she'll come around...and she'll actually want to work on our marriage..i keep thinking that my wife is sooo honest and is trying to work this all out in her head, but all the facts point the other wayand lady jayne, i hear you that if its the guy being dumped and he's not type A personality it really stinks because the typical male response of dont let the door hit you on the way out doesnt seem to be available to us hehe..also your comment on her feeling guilty is the operative thing here...it's VERY VERY important for my wife for people to think well of her..one issue between us was that i always felt 2nd fiddle to her "outside" persona, and that no matter how well we were doing as a couple, one bad comment from her mom/sister/friend could set her off for days...and god help you if you accuse her of being selfish... the skies reign vengence on those who dare that i beleive she feels incredibly guilty about all this, knows its quite selfish to say hey i need space so u move out and that emotion is totally unhelpful, so i have tried to make her feel better about this situation, and of course its getting me nowhere... whew- it does feel good to get this off my chest,...now i have to work up the guts to face up to reality and try to deal with what's actually going on here...
Xillr8ng Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 Be prepared for her to move out if you come home....I'm telling you!!! when a woman wants "SPACE" ,she is going to GET IT one way or another...Wether you give it to her or not,She'll get it at any cost..Just be prepared..My wife left EVERY%THING...Her clothes are still hanging in the closet...She left all four of HER cats...She left ALL belongings and walked...I'm just hoping you're ready for that if it happens.I am hoping someone on LS with more experience will give you better advice on coming home issue...I can only tell you that I've heard a womans determination to get her SPACE...As far as the dating online thing...If I were you I'd keep my mouth shut.Now is not the time to accuse!!!..Sticking anything in her face right now is only going to push her further away I think.You are right....She is working ALL of this out in her head and it's not going be easy or quick....I am going to say it again because I AM SURE you need it...Go to Marraige Counseling on your own,get a few under your belt before you mention it to her..Your actions are under a magnifying glass right now so show patience.Be quick to listen and slow to speak or get angry...There are No magic pills ,there isn't a bandaid big enough or a surgeon skilled enough to fix this on your time frame...Endurance....Patience...hang in there.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 i have been advised by legal counsel that it is by far better to be in the house when negotiating a settlement..no matter how "nice" and "temporary" it was at the start...so the common theme in both xhilr8ate and ladyjane's thoughts is i need to back off... You may have misunderstood my post then. What I meant was this: If you have reason to believe that your wife's eventual goal is DIVORCE....you need to get your butt back home and follow your attorney's advice. That's why you're paying the guy. For a woman who is DETERMINED to divorce her husband, no amount of "backing off" is going to change her mind. If she's serious in her plan...she's going to carry it out regardless of any attempts to dissuade her. Basically, a woman who is firm in her decision is just trying to keep the divorce amicable. She wants to maintain a friendly relationship with you afterward....but make no mistake, she's finished with you. The other scenario is for the woman who is 'on the fence'. This is a woman who wants to make changes in the marriage and who is serious enough to end the marriage if need be. Sometimes she might even initially insist on divorce....but the possibility exists that she'll change her mind IF she observes her husband engaged in making the changes she needs. If she becomes convinced that he's both willing and able to address her concerns, her reason to divorce him is invalidated. Your mission here, MisterX...is to determine which scenario you're dealing with. Because if she's divorcing you out-of-hand, you need to get with your attorney and protect your interests. But if she's watching to see what you're going to do to improve yourself....you need to get on the stick and get it done.
Author MisterX Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 for x8- i hear you..i would prefer me being home to me being out of the home, everything else being equal..if i am making progress and we are on the same page then i don't feel compelled to make a splash. i dont have any plans to accuse her of anything...i dont know enough and you are right that it won't help me anyway for ljane...i hear everything you are saying..i have seen alot of your posts and i find that when i'm looking at the posters issues i see a real connection with what you are saying and the posters issues (I don't know how you do it!!!!) and then fair and tough advice and here's what i'm getting at..you summed up my problem in a nutshell.. which is it? am i being divorced?(slowly/piece by piece) or is she really trying to work it out in her mind? if it's the latter, i truly love her and want to be with my family..my therapist says i should consider the possibility that i'm addicted to the relationship/family/love....i'm aware this is a posssibility and i just have to manage that part of it.. it was over a year ago when she said she wasnt in love with me anymore and started talking about being lost and alone...i would say for a couple of months i disbelieved and did not help the situation but since then i have read all the books and have really focused on her needs, and in my mind have been essentially catering to her needs..i've courted her, taken her out, expressed my affection and love, supported her(i've always done that), and really just treated with all the love in my heart so it's been quite some time and this whole blow up was very emotional on my end because when i moved out 10 weeks ago, it was an attempt (for me, and i thought for her) to get moving on healing her and addressing the issue of what we would do..(as opposed to ignoring the fact that our marriage was at ground zero).. over the 10 weeks i continued to treat her like my best girl, flower, notes, responsiveness..and let me be clear..i am good with all that..that is how i really feel...so i was using that hopefulness to cover up the sadness i was feeling about not being with her and especially OUR KIDS!!!!!!!! so when i got the feeling this weekend that we were going nowhere, and she confirmed it...i was really crushed..especially knowing that she is looking on dating websites!!! so when i reread my post, and then your response, i guess its fair to ask the question,,,HOW DO I KNOW??? before i left..i wrote her a longgg letter...basically saying alot but really focused on the fact that i thought our separation was just a less painful step towards divorce. she emphatically denied it and cried and cried and how could i think that blah blah ..LadyJaYne you said "i would say whatever is neccessary to get him to leave" OUCH!!...is that all that was... 2 weeks into i was a mess and we talked and again i said the only way i can do this is if we start working on us...go to therapy etc...she said she wanted her own therapist. and i said fine but it wasnt until 2 weeks ago that she went to the therapist...i took this as a very good sign..she has consistently said she doesnt want a divorce...but more and more her actions are starting to tell me its the other way so it's all very confusing, how do i know? MAN: madam, is it true that when you say "NO" you really mean "YES" ... ... ... WOMAN : NO ARGGGGHHH so in the short run, i'm just going to hang in..not be rash..this has gone on a long time..
Ladyjane14 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 which is it? am i being divorced?(slowly/piece by piece) or is she really trying to work it out in her mind? I wish I had an answer for you. But I don't. It's the million dollar question though...because it affects your ability to make the best decisions. All I can tell you is that for me personally....if I had to go to all the trouble of putting a man out of my home, it's unlikely that I'd allow him to move back into it. That's just me though, not every woman is going to be alike in that regard. I don't think you have a whole lot to lose by gently rattling her cage for some answers at this point. It's been almost three months afterall. Watch her actions rather than her words. (But make sure you've built in allowances for occasional miscommunications.) Word + Action = The Truth Word - Action = Bullsh*t p.s. You need to be living by that equation too. She might be watching to see what you're all about.
Author MisterX Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 thnx again ladyjane- by the way, it was no trouble for her to get me to leave, i've made it incredibly easy on her for me its more actions + 0 = ??? because i am very bad at the words i cant ever truly prove it out but i would say that although i got an Fminus on fulfilling her physical/emotional/sexual needs for a long time my other actions were nothing less than a loving caring partner if i could describe myself i would say i generally am a very pragmatic and positive person..i laugh easily and i know i can make people at ease and laugh easily.. i take it as it comes and i've avoided conflict .. my wife has alot of similar qualities, especially the avoiding conflict part.. that kind of explains part of how we got here - so now she is apparently putting her need to feel the in love feeling above the comfort and affection that we share, and the familyunit.. your advice is so thoughtful that i have to ask for more..assuming my "judgment" is correct that she is not emotionally involved with someone..she cares about us and our kids and our family..that she is honest about not wanting a divorce ..then i should push back that i don't feel this seperation is achieving "our" goals, because of that i want the opportunity to be back and show her again that i am for real ..that i'd like to try marraige counseling as opposed to having different therapists..etc..after calming down i think this whole last couple days has taught me that the current situation is unsustainable for me and i need to start communication about us as part of our separation..
Ladyjane14 Posted February 28, 2006 Posted February 28, 2006 On the assumption that your separation is legitimate and designed to work out your marital problems....then at the three-month mark you might consider asking for a strategy meeting with her. At that time, you should be able to verbally list her concerns (as you recognize them), and offer evidence as to the actions you've taken to rectify problems. In essence, you're saying, "Honey, it's been three months now....where are we going with this? This is what I understand the problem to be, and this is how I've addressed it so far. What's our next move?" Remember to Listen, Rephrase, and Repeat when you discuss these matters with her. It'll help you to clarify your communication process.
Author MisterX Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 well i had my bi-weekly solo marriage therapy meeting yesterday and slept on it ... today i find myself making excuses for my wife and trying to rationalize why i should stick it out a little longer...plus i keep thinking about my kids therapist is saying that my "fear" is causing me to not be able to address this situation..and we talked about how my fear of addressing my wife's needs etc was a big part of my emotional withdrawl which helped cause my wife's emotional withdrawl..the difference being i felt like i loved her and want to work it out she just went straight to i'm not in love..anyway... i am thinking that i need to have the sit down (altho i'd much rather write to her...more fear)... and let her know what i'm thinking which is that i moved out to try to "save" our marriage..when i left i wanted to leave, because being together was not working out...now that i'm out...i want to go back..clearly my leaving has not created any "absence makes the heart grow fonder" moment for her, so my conclusion is that seperation is not working to bring us together.. so i need to come back ..to respond to ladyjayne, i really have done everything possible and it comes easy for me because i want her...loving her 100% has been the mode ...i never didnt love her i just didnt see some of my actions in previous years werent getting it done for her..if she is willing i can talk to her about that - i have asked her what i need to do and she says i'm doing it and she appreciates that i have given her this "space"...of course that has gotten us nowhere i understand this is last gasp stuff, but i almost feel like i have to do this, and put her decision ON HER, where it belongs..i have to accept she may want out.. sitting around in my apartment seeing my kids every 3 or 4 days is just not an acceptable solution for me...especially if its not acheiving anything but letting her step out on match.com.. so then HER choice is ask for a divorce(i have to be ready for that, and i think this might be where this is going anyway), she could leave and have her precious space(never happen),..or we are back to 2005 hell together and loveless...(in the end...i know that i prefer last yr to this yr)...i guess the best case i could hope for is that she says please give me some more time...and we set some kind of date if we go back together at least i am home and comfortable for a while and then i can make the decision..in my own house in my own mind whether i want to stick things out for the sake of the kids....
brokenherz Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 When my husband wanted some space and time, he made me leave. But I’m no dummy so I made him sign a LEGAL AGREEMENT saying he can’t me leaving the house take against me since he is the one who wanted a trail separation. I suggest if you stay in your apartment, get a lawyer and make her sign the legal agreement. She’ll be upset but hey what about yourself? She can’t just push you out like that. You need some reassurance too, so she won’t take it against you that you got yourself an apartment. I believe you shouldn’t go back home and give her the space and time she needs. So far it seems to work. She has been nicer to you. Be patient man and she’ll come back. Make it a new start for you both and treat each other with respect. If in a while you are not satisfied start talking about your relationship again. I don’t know what a while is maybe a year or so. I don’t know how burned out she is. My husband and I are separated at the moment, already 9 month but yesterday we talked and I think he is finally realizing what he has done to us. Although my story is totally different than yours but I believe the separation gives us both some time to find ourselves and to look at some of our mistakes we made in the relationship. Either way if he comes back or not I learned a lot in the 9 month about myself and about marriage. Separation is not always a bad thing and it can help. I know how you feel and I want my husband back too. I wish you luck. It looks like you have a much better chance of reconciliation with your wife than me but than love is complicated and you never know. I wont give up yet and you shouldn’t either.
brokenherz Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Don’t push her give her the space and time she needs. Believe me, you are way to pushy.
tanbark813 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Ladyjane makes excellent points. I think you're making the classic mistake people make in situations like this: letting her call all the shots. She's determining the way things progress and you're letting her lead you like a puppy. Determine what you want for yourself and act. If you want to be back in YOUR house then go back. If she wants space, then she should leave. Doesn't it seem odd that she's more affectionate the less you're around? She's rewarding you for staying away. She's vague about how long a seperation she wants. She's admittedly not in love with you. She's not getting anything sexually from you. And she's posting on match.com. My money says she's either cheating or going to cheat. I think your therapist is right about issues regarding fear. It sounds like you're afraid to be a man.
Author MisterX Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 broken- do you have kids? if it werent for the kids i would be with you 100%. its impossible for me to seperate what i'm going though between what part of it is about my kids and what about my marriage..kinda sad for my marriage actually..but there is no way i will sit around for 9 months and let my kids suffer with this limbo... tanbark- hurts to hear it, but i can't disagree with you..fear equates to ne being the man i need to be....fear with women has been a big part of my life ...it hurt my marraige and it hurts my chances to get things back on track......i was always the wingman if you know what i'm saying of course, now is an awkward time to step up to the plate but i really dont have alternatives..obviously i am obsessed with all this in the moment and i'm hoping by posting and thinking it through that i make the right statement for me. its the realization from this weekend that i'm most afraid of losing my marraige and not being with my kids...and then the OBVIOUS TO EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD BUT ME!!! thought that i have already pretty much lost my marraige and i'm not with my kids!!!!!!!!!!....those 2 together mean i'm have nothing to lose (that i havent already lost) thnx for feedback -
Author MisterX Posted March 1, 2006 Author Posted March 1, 2006 wow!!brokenherz i just read your saga god bless you and your baby
Author MisterX Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 no big update i'll have the kids for the next 3 days so i'll be in a better mood of course now i'm thinking thoughts about how maybe if i hang in another month it will work out i know i know...earth to me...get a clue..these thoughts come unbidden into my head.. when you want something and you can't have it, and your fearful of the conflict and the pain you will cause, its really difficult to cut through all the baloney and do what you need to do..
Author MisterX Posted March 9, 2006 Author Posted March 9, 2006 so many things happen in these situations its really really crazy sometimes.. one thing that really gets me in my own situation is that i am a "for real" person..i beleive in my committments, i try my best, i'm dependable, and i'm honest..not perfect!!!!!!!!!!!! just doing my best... in MY OWN OPINION, our marriage started failing because neither of us communicated well for a long time...both sides of the table were at fault...i took some medicine for anxiety and that only made it worse because i "felt" better but i totally lost my interest in love and sex and although i fulfilled my role as a dad and a provider i was woefully bad as a husband and lover. on the other side...my wife is so profoundly hard to please that i'm starting to wonder if anything can ever make her happy, this is a big part of what drove me away for a time..i really really have some deep resentments about how i tolerated alot of her selfish behaviour about her "unhappiness" and i've never shared them with her..i feel that i love her and i dont need to make it worse..of course its gotten worse this weekend 2 things happened..we had a very nice chat..she kept me at arms length...she can not say she loves me without stumbling all over the words..basically we agreed to more a time frame (no more than 2 months) before we decided if i should move back in and maybe consider marraige therapy.. but all in all..i had the impression that she was trying in her mind to get comfortable with "trying again" unfortunately, there was an unbelievable wierd misunderstanding..somebody at work heard me say something about something else and told my wife a completley wrong (but very beleivable!!) thing about how i felt she was a "pain in my ass"!! i wasnt even talking about my wife but anyway my wife called me and gave me a 20 minute diatribe about what a liar i was, how i always let her down..on and on on....i tried to tell her but to no avail...she said some very very nasty things about my family too.. at first i was devastated...i literally did not sleep one minute monday nite.. i sent a long email to her at 4am and said if she didnt trust me then lets just bag the whole thing..and i resented her comments about my family..i said if you want call me..otherwise we're done...i sat next to the phone for hours and she called the next morning..we tried to talk but that blew up too....said even more mean things in the end, she said well i guess we're back to square one...i was totally totally reeling..i could not beleive my bad luck and felt very miserable here's the rub, by the end of the day and through this moment i am feeling all of a sudden a very strange rush ...for the first time ever i am thinking i dont want to do this..i am thinking of all the things she said and i realize that all that stuff has been bubbling under the surface and i'm also thinging why am i putting up with this... maybe my whole marriage is an exercise in "putting up with her" and i've hid that from her and now that i'm begging to get back that just causes more misery for me...it's all very confusing..i keep having the thought that i simply want to pick up the phone and tell her that everythings changed now ...i have never had any thinking like this ever in my marriage..its like the thought exploded into my head..i can end this!!! and i will live it makes me very sad and i keep thinking of the kids, and that is one thing that stops me in my tracks here's the question, for those that have been around the block on these things..is it possible to feel so strongly that you want her back one moment and then the next be certain you want to end it...i wonder if the last couple years i've been more in love with our married lifestyle than with my wife..G#D that make me so sad to even type that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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