Marriage Problems

[Ladyehawk]

I've been married for 22 years and for about 10 of those years hubby has

been in contact with a female patient,(he's an optician). She and her two

kids have slept over in my home when I wasn't there. She calls him at home and she can spend an hour or more on the phone with her. He talks to her more than he talks to me. He tells her kids he loves them. He says he feels sorry for her because her SO does nothing for her or in the house.

Meanwhile, he won't even put a bag in the garbage can.

 

A friend of mine who used to live next door said she saw them together w/o her kids and they were dressed like they were going out. They got into his car and drove off together.( I was upstate) I tell him she"s using him as a surrogate father and husband, but he can't see it.

 

She should be talking to he own SO to vent. She says he's abusive but

she won't leave him because she's afraid to be without a man.

 

When I ask my hubby, where is her SO and she should be talking to him.

He says that he's her psychologist, but when I have something on my mind or need someone to talk to , he not there for me.

 

She used to play this little game with us. I'd tell her something in confidence about hubby and she'd go and tell him what I said. He'd tell her something about me and she'd call me to tell me about it. I told him at the time that she was trying to get between us. He said I was paranoid.

 

Meanwhile, I drive our kids all over creation, clean the house, do the laundry, cook every night, serve him his coffee in the morning and his dinner upstairs at night, and he sees all this as just what he should expect. Oh, and I work a full time job, (we're living on my salary).

 

I've had a problem with my foot. I'm in varying amounts of pain all the time. Do you think he would get up on the week-end and make the coffee ? When I ask him about it he says I should let him know so he can set it up the night before. When he sees me limping around, should I even have to ask him to do this ? He says he loves me, but he doesn't act like he loves me. I've even asked him if he wants a divorce. He accuses me of wanting to walk away instead of facing MY RESPONSIBITIES ! As far as I can see, he's the only one not facing his

responsibilities.

 

We have the same fight all the time and nothing changes. He blames all of our maritial problems on me. We don't have a sex life because I go to bed too early. I have to be up at 5:30am. When I've waited up for him,

still nothing !

 

My friends tell me that there's no way he's not cheating with this other woman. I'm finally ready to believe them. You can blast me if want for

being a naieve fool, but what do you think ?

[flowerfairy142]

I am not married but I have been in a relationship for 6 wonderful years. It is absolutely unacceptable that that woman is in your life and has SLEPT OVER your house and everything!! He has to choose, honey. I know it can be very difficult but sometimes people don't know what they have until the loose it. He's probably very comfortable that you do everything around the house and all he has to do is come home and enjoy the comodities but still spend more time with that other woman. You have to make him decide...you or her. And that's that. No more sharing, that is completely unacceptable!

[JadeStar]

You put up with this why? I'm sure you don't enjoy being his doormat, but right now thats what you are. He is getting away with everything under the sun while he makes up his excuses and you fall for them. You need to have along talk with him, and how this is not acceptable behavior. If he continues to give you excuses then you need to weigh your options and see whats more important to you, or this vicious cycle will never end.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Becoming]

Honey, your girlfriends are right. Your man is having an affair with this woman and has been for a long time.

 

On what planet would you remotely think that what's been happening to you is OK?

 

WAKE UP!

 

Hire a PI if you can afford one. If not, start doing some serious snooping, get the proof you need to divorce that lazy SOB!

 

Psychologist, my a$$. Uh, huh. Horizontally.

[Sassy]

Honey, your girlfriends are right. Your man is having an affair with this woman and has been for a long time.

 

On what planet would you remotely think that what's been happening to you is OK?

 

WAKE UP!

 

Hire a PI if you can afford one. If not, start doing some serious snooping, get the proof you need to divorce that lazy SOB!

 

Psychologist, my a$$. Uh, huh. Horizontally.

 

 

Becoming is right on the money this man isn't being her Psychologist he is being her sex slave and father figure and you are allowing it . This man sounds like a cake man and you are allowing it to continue. You have to let him know that he has to choose her or you. He can't have both . There is alot more going on than just talking and being friends and feeling sorry. He and she both are having an emotionally and physical affair . Good Luck

[Ladyehawk]

I guess I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want it to be true, so I pretended it wasn't and now it's reached the point where she's calling him

to pick her up the subway, because he happens to be in Manhattan.

 

I've given him an ultimatum before but he ignored it. I'm starting an

investigation with the help of a friend who recently went through the same thing with her man, with her man it was cybersex.

 

I have easy access to his cell phone and an hour in the morning to see who his contacts are. I know her numbers are in his phone because she seldom calls on our house phone. Is there a way for me to find out how many times a day she calls him. I know she calls him when he's not at home as well. Is there a way for me to find out if she visits him at work ?

 

He owns his own business, an optical store. I wonder if the girls he works with would rat on him ?

 

I've officially WOKEN UP !! I'm gonna' NAIL his a$$ !!

 

He thinks I won't leave him. He's wrong !!

[Sassy]

I guess I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want it to be true, so I pretended it wasn't and now it's reached the point where she's calling him

to pick her up the subway, because he happens to be in Manhattan.

 

I've given him an ultimatum before but he ignored it. I'm starting an

investigation with the help of a friend who recently went through the same thing with her man, with her man it was cybersex.

 

I have easy access to his cell phone and an hour in the morning to see who his contacts are. I know her numbers are in his phone because she seldom calls on our house phone. Is there a way for me to find out how many times a day she calls him. I know she calls him when he's not at home as well. Is there a way for me to find out if she visits him at work ?

 

He owns his own business, an optical store. I wonder if the girls he works with would rat on him ?

 

I've officially WOKEN UP !! I'm gonna' NAIL his a$$ !!

 

He thinks I won't leave him. He's wrong !!

 

 

Good for you ! You deserve better . Maybe she would rat on him if you paid her. Anything to find out what is going on with them two. I can bet it is more than just being her friend . Let us know what happens and what you find out!

[Ladyehawk]

I'm tired of talking to him. We have the same talk, the same fight over and over and nothing changes.

 

I've had enough !

[Becoming]

You go, girl!

 

I am functionally technilliterate. I had to call the co. to ask how to turn my cell phone off. :o

 

But our bill has all our calls listed on it. Does yours? Do you ever see it? You can call the cell phone co and ask for a copy of past bills, I think, "for tax purposes."

 

Hope someone else can help you with snooping. There's something called a keylogger to trace his computer use, but I dunno. Google away on that one.

 

I wouldn't tip my hand with his employees; they might tell him so that he'd get sneakier.

 

You'll get a lot of support here at LS to help you through a lot of stuff. Welcome.

[whichwayisup]

His priorities are very screwed up. He is treating this woman like his wife. Guess he forgot that YOU are his wife? WTF is wrong with him?

 

I know you're hurting, but you can't go on like this. Whether or not their "affair" has turned sexual or not really doesn't matter because basically he is having a real full on relationship with her NOW. He is too involved in her life, her children and that is just WRONG.

 

Dump his ass NOW. He hasn't a clue wtf he's doing and until he sees the new locks on the door to the house, maybe THEN he'll see what his actions have done.

 

He has to suffer the consquences of his actions, he thinks you're a pushover.

 

Also, in the meantime, call HER spouse and let him know wtf has been going on.

 

Keep posting and I'm sorry your husband is doing this to you.

[Ladyehawk]

I've waited this long, I can bide my time a little longer. I want some proof

of what he's doing. I want him to see that what he's doing is wrong, I want him to be sorry that he's losing us. I'm taking our sons with me.

 

I don't know what to do about the house. My Mother-in-law is life tenant. If we have to sell it, what we do about her?

 

I'm thinking of consulting a divorce lawyer just to find out these

things. What do you think ?

[whichwayisup]

She will move in with her son. Not you. It's his mom, right?

 

Definately talk to a Divorce Lawyer. Protect yourself and your children.

Even hire a PI, or ask a close friend, someone you deeply trust to follow him around, take pictures - Or video tape him. Also, install a keylogger on the computer.

 

Can I ask though - Do you love him? Because if he completely ends it with her and offers to go to marriage counselling with you - Would you give him a chance to make it up to you?

[quankanne]

consult the divorce lawyer and the PI, otherwise tell no one of your plans; you don't want to be the one caught with your pants down.

 

at the risk of sounding cruel but not meaning to, why is your MiL your particular worry?

[BeFree]

He may try and hide money from you. You may not want to lead on that your know what he is up to. Get yourself to an attorney first. Take him for what he's got and hit him where it hurts. 22 years and this is what you get!!! Time for you to take out the TRASH!

[Becoming]

Yes, listen to these folks. Don't tip your hand to anyone. Set up a bank account of your own and consult a divorce lawyer.

 

You will want proof to be able to walk out of this marriage with what you want and need to start a new life.

 

And his mother is his concern. You may love her, but your H has been using you as a virtual domestic slave.

 

The question about love is a good one, though. You need to be very clear about your own feelings and thinking on these issues.

 

Information is your greatest weapon at this point. Start stockpiling for the war ahead. (Bad metaphor, but it gets the point across. )

[Ladyehawk]

If he agrees to leave her completely and have nothing more to do with her or her children, and helped out around the house and really showed me that he loved me. I'd stay.

 

I still love him, as odd as that sounds under the present circumstances.

 

I think deep down, he still loves me too, he's just to busy being the "boss"

to realize it. Yes, ladies, the time for talk is over.

 

He either puts up or shuts up before he knows about my plans.

It's too easy to say all the right things when someone is walking out the

door. I don't want lip service, I want real change and committment.

[cal gal]

I think you already know the answer to the question(s) that you have posted....

 

In any event, you need to do a number of things before you confront him with anything....

 

Set up a bank acct in your name only, list a dear friend as your beneficiary in case something happened to you. Start getting money set aside - you will need it! Even if you think you won't. My stbxh was angry that I set aside 50,000.00 last summer, but it has been a huge safety net for me and my kids (peace of mind) as he has not given us any money, he's just keeping up the house pymt etc. It will also allow you to feel that you will not be vulnerable to agree with things that you don't want to. More power - for lack of a better term.

 

Have the statements to everything new sent to that friends' home.

 

Open a new credit card in your name only, so if you need it (which you will need to establish credit in your name only anyway)

 

Set aside all paperwork you will need in the future ie bank statements, tax returns, income proof that you may have, anything you can figure will help you - and he won't have access to when he needs it.

 

 

Jewelry of value, anything sentimental to you or your kids.

 

TAKE ALL OF THIS TO A DIFFERENT LOCATION! A place he will not find or know about.

 

On D Day - make sure you have someone lined up to change the locks before you confront him. It takes a few hours. This includes passcodes to garage door openers as well as the openers themselves. I gave a full set of keys to my best friend and told her what all my new passcodes were for access (obviously it needs to be someone you trust with your own life!) Do not give it to a family member- sometimes they cave under duress!

 

Before he is confronted - take his garage door opener from his car!

 

More than anything - make sure you are well set and ready to go when and if the time comes to take action. Oh ya, copy all files from your main computer to another one so if you or your kids need them later you will have access to them. You can do this with a simple device that plugs into the computer - then you plug it into the one you are moving things to.

 

Even if you don't take action now - start getting these things in order now, as a few of them may take time to complete.

 

The investigation stuff seems easy in comparison, in addition to what you are doing now - just tell him you are going out of town again, rent a car (cash) (use a friends credit card to do this) - stay home - and follow him.

 

If she spends the night again, just walk in anytime after 11pm or so, after trailing them for a good bit of time....

 

Good luck, I'm sorry, and you can ask me anything you need to.... I'm sure I forgot about somethings along the way.

 

I had three friends helping me and none of us slept at all for four days straight while my husband was away.... soooo much to accomplish, given the short notice...