How to deal with public?

[TheDiva]

First off, my DS is on the autism spectrum. Most recent diagnoses- Asperger's Syndrome. He is high functioning and to the naked eye, seems NT(neurologically typical)

 

 

But at times he can be a handful in public. We get "the looks." You know the ones. Most likely you have, at one point, given a parent the look yourself or been on the recieving end of it. You can tell people are thinking something along the lines of

 

"What a brat!" "What a bad parent" "Do something about that child." etc

 

Ok I admit it, I was one of those people when I was childless and most times it does not bother me when it is done to me. I realize people don't understand the way my son is. They are more than welcome to their opinion of me or my family. But then there are those that feel the need to comment to others or everyone else within hearing distance about my child/ parenting. Those make me see red! I so try not to confront them, I know I can and will lose my temper and that is a bad example for all my children. Better to ignore them and walk away.

 

I know that my child can intentionally be a brat at times, but I also know there are also times he is truely overwhelmed, or overstimulated/confused etc. in some environments. I do try to avoid these places where it will be frowned upon or disturbing to other people, but sometimes I never know when/where or what will trigger him.

 

Anyway, I have not discussed his dx in-depth with him. He knows the basics (that a 5 year old can understand) and that's about it. I do not want him to use it as a excuse for various failures or difficulties he may have in his life.

 

There is a website that I was reading that has printable business card size handouts, that say something along the lines of

 

"My child has Autism

Autism is a developmental disorder

that affects how a person senses

and processes the world."

or

"He or she may communicate in ways that seem unusual to you

learn more at http://www.___.com

 

when I first saw this I was very sad at the thought of handing out these cards to perfect strangers. It seems a little degrading IMO. I do not want to discuss him in front of other people either. What is more humilating than listening to your parents tell strangers about you and your medical history? But it is also unfair to him to have to keep him away from public places. He won't learn what is acceptable in public if he is never put in the situations. He also doesn't associate and transfer similar social situations easily, thus making it harder for him to understand acceptable behaviors for similar situations. We have been working on that in his therapy.

 

I try to think "What if someone had handed me an autism card when I had given them the looks?" Or would I have thought differently if the child had been wearing a tag that said something of that nature? I am not sure what my answer would be now that I have an AS child myself.

 

I am uncomfortable with "advertising" it to everyone. It should be his choice who to tell and not to tell as far as the general public goes. Why make him wear it when he could possibly behave normally the entire time? Most importantly how would he feel wearing it?

 

I don't want to give the impression that it happens all the time because that isn't the case. We do frequently get weird looks because of his more odd behaviors, but it's not negative in most cases.

 

Would using those cards make you, the casual observer, stop and think? Or would it be a waste of trees and ink?

Any stories, suggestions, experiences, (particularly from ASD parents) on how to deal with these issues?

[Craig]

Use the card and see what happens. The card seems like a good idea to me because it may educate some people to the point of understanding and that should lead to some good moments for you.

[Outcast]

There is a huge amount of public education to be done about these disorders. Think of yourself as someon on the front lines of public education about autism and Asperger's. You don't have to include the 'my child has autism' line if you don't want to. I would definitely include the website and the 'for more information' bit and be sure to include Asperger's- only sites as well as autism sites. People need to be educated and, sadly, a lot of folks refuse to watch news or engage with any sort of medium which would educate them so first-hand information from someone right in front of them will be the only way they will learn.

 

Good luck to you both!

[JayKay]

I think if someone gave me 'the look' I would LOVE to be able to hand them a card that explains the child's condition.

 

My friend has two special-needs children, one of whom is autistic. She has grown weary with the 'bad parenting' comments too. Sometimes she tells people he's autistic and she says it backs them right down.

 

I might tell her about those cards.

[TheDiva]

Thanks all.... I guess the cards wouldn't be such a bad idea.

 

I think I am just so new to the whole ASD thing that I am not very confident yet. I am just now starting to understand my son, so I don't have all the right words to explain him to other people. On top of which some of my own family members have made some comments that made me mad as he!! They knew of his evaluations and appointments, and would ask how things went. When I told my sister the doctors findings, she had a horrified look on her face and she said rather loudly "He is not RETARDED" no my son is not I agree but I spent so much time before then and after trying to explain the ASD and it was all for nothing! believe it or not the school is also fighting us with regards to his IEP. They keep pushing that he has ADHD and won't listen to anything else. Even sending us to their own County ped, so 2 developmental peds, and my sons regular doctor say he doesn't fit the ADHD/ADD criteria.

 

So I just don't yet have the right words/ways to deal with perfect strangers KWIM?

 

Jaykay

I don't know if the mods will delete the link but the site I found the card idea from is http://www.dotolearn.com under the Disabilites/ family advocacy link.

 

But I really like your idea Outcast of taking out the "my child has autism" line and including other specialized websites. There is so much information out there it will be hard to choose which I want to include.

 

 

Thanks again. I am still open to stories or other suggestions if anyone has any.

[Outcast]

And maybe you can read some of those websites (as long as they're good ones! ) and take your 'talking points' from them so you'll be prepared with information - and you can also hand out the cards to your relatives and tell them you don't have all the answers but they can find them for themselves!

[inconsiderado]

most people are just too ignorant or they don't care enough to learn about autism, so if it pisses you off that much, leave the kid at home next time.