Blind Illusion Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Actually, I wonder many things; in fact, that's what I think that I do best in life sometimes. Before that though, allow me to introduce myself since I am new to this forum and I would naturally wonder what someone's background was that was posting here for the first time. I am 41, married (unhappily) and involved in an Extramarital Relationship for close to 6 years now. It began online, progressed to "real life" a year later (probably because here was someone actually listening to me & caring instead of constantly putting me down) & continues somewhat until this day. We don't see each other all that often but speak on the phone quite frequently. It is only in this past year that I have realized that I must rely on ME & my life for my happiness; not what my husband does or what my lover says when he calls. I am slowly beginning the journey of realizing that I don't need either one of them perhaps, and I am concentrating on me now instead.. Trying to, anyhow. A love affair with myself, so to speak. Predictably, I have many confusing feelings and just as many setbacks. What I wonder, tonight, is this: Why is there such animosity for the OW's sadness or rollar coaster emotions? No one would utter to someone having a heart attack, "Well, what did you expect, after all, eating all those Big Macs?" Nor would one fliippantly reply to someone diagnosed with lung cancer, "Oh, serves you right, smoking all these years". Seems like people leave their compassion at the door, however, if a woman expresses feelings of heartache because she found herself in love with someone society deems should not have been. Sometimes, I think people should just suspend the judgement calls about the circumstances involved and just realize that the tears someone may cry for another human being are composed of the very same substance as those you might shed for the very same reason. That's all that is on my mind this Saturday evening.
lovernotafighter Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 hello BI I'm new here to...I don't think I've seen that much animosity..some not as much as I would expect...I seen alot of shared stories and insight in to others M's and A's. we all are sharing heart ache in some form or another or we wouldn't be here in the first place. by the way I'm a 33 year old married woman involved with a 34 year old married man who is also my boss (he just got the job a year and a half ago/we have been involved for a year) I have no kids and he has one. I never bring up leaving our marriges yet he does it frequently (I asked him to stop just this week) ...NC has never worked out and we both tried,it just made things worse. I tried to be more involved with myself,and thats helped some what but this A is always lingering in my mind. it's been so stressful and taxing that I have had to get on medication and sometimes feel trapped..yet I'm not..speaking of tears I feel them coming on as I type. hope we all can find what we are looking for.
curly Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 for putting into words what so many of us OW's feel. But we're so blasted sometimes. Most of my friends, who are married women themselves, are very empathetic to me (being an OW) and realize that I would have never gotten myself in this mess if I didn't believe the xMM or truly felt love. But it seems like the OW gets blasted here by mostly BS (Betrayed Spouses, since you're new). Don't get surprised or upset if you do get blasted. Just expect it. It will come. Mostly, I thank you for saying what we, the OW, feel. Just because I was stupid, fooled, gullible, or in love enough to believe this man (who by the way tried his absolute hardest to convince me that I had to stay and wait until he could... "fill in the blank") doesn't mean that I am the most horrible or horrible of evil person ever. (as the W (wife) or BS would like to believe). I am a person hurting, yes, I put myself into the traffic but I had LOTS of help. HE - the MM (married man) - kept putting me there telling me I would be OK, just stand strong. Still, I bleed the same red blood as the W, he fooled her but he fooled me too. We're not the enemy, we're the same as the W. We just got to see a different side of her Husband. OOps.... started venting.. sorry. Just good luck and thanks for saying that to be the OW is not the wicked witch of the west. We feel the same hurt as anyone else.
Walking away Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I agree. It is a difficult road being the OW, as anyone can read from all of the other threads. We OW tend to be bludgeoned due to the fact that we found ourselves in extremely difficult situations. Some of us knew the fact of our MM's marital status at the onset of the affair....and some of us did not. But, regardless of that fact, one thing is true....we DO feel the pain of a complicated and excruciatingly difficult relationship that few tend to understand. But it is true, we feel the pain just as any other human being would. By and large, we OW are kind, decent women whom many of these BS would probably like if they were given the opportunity to meet us without the knowledge of our extramarital affairs. We come to this forum for support and comfort. It is not necessarily true that we expect others to condone or even accept our choices. Often times, our consciences within ourselves tell us what many BS tell us on these threads. We generally don't need anyone to smash it into our faces, so to speak or to rub salt into an already angry wound. We are searching for answers and support from people who may understand the unique dilemma that goes along with this taboo situation.. Just venting also....and to those who HAVE shown support and compassion...thank you....YOU are the ones that are a beacon in a sometimes very dark night for us...
Author Blind Illusion Posted February 26, 2006 Author Posted February 26, 2006 Thank you ladies, for your replies. BTW, I didn't mean to imply that there is a lack of support here at this forum ( besides the fact that I have only read recent threads of the last few days so to make any kind of judgement about that would be unfair) I was thinking more along the lines of society in general & the attitude that prevails in that the OW made her bed, so to speak, so they almost don't have a *right* to sadness and sympathy of others. Very often the same people that might console you if you divorced or for any other reason, can't seem to understand this emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just one of those things that you just have to go through to understand;I don't know.
lovernotafighter Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Thank you ladies, for your replies. BTW, I didn't mean to imply that there is a lack of support here at this forum ( besides the fact that I have only read recent threads of the last few days so to make any kind of judgement about that would be unfair) I was thinking more along the lines of society in general & the attitude that prevails in that the OW made her bed, so to speak, so they almost don't have a *right* to sadness and sympathy of others. Very often the same people that might console you if you divorced or for any other reason, can't seem to understand this emotional turmoil. Maybe it's just one of those things that you just have to go through to understand;I don't know.that is so true...no one understands unless they have been there themselves...I want to tell my sister who I'm closest to,but I know she will frown on me even though she loves me...my agony is my own. which I think for alot of us OW it makes leaving our MM even more painful and difficult cause they are the only ones we can talk to about our pain from our relationship...even when he hurts me,he's the only one I can tell..and the same for him..
Curmudgeon Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Why is there such animosity for the OW's sadness or rollar coaster emotions? I don't think there's a true correlation between the situations of heart attack and cancer you described and an affair. The first are essentially victimless in that the individual did it to themselves. In the latter case, spouses, children and families are involved, especially if the affair is discovered which most seem to be in time. Yes, dying of cancer or a heart condition is going to have an effect on loved ones but it's not the same as an affair's senses of betrayal, dismissal and lack of true love and caring which, I believe, ultimately cut deeper. One instance is mourned. The other is resented.
newbby Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 nice to meet you, blind illusion. good that you are on a journey of self discovery and growth.
Becoming Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Welcome, Blind Illusion. I've been married forever, but there was a time when I knew I was vulnerable to an affair because of a lack of attention at home. I can understand how it happens. I think the animosity you may experience is something beyond just outright condemnation along the lines of "It's just wrong!" For me, it's what you said about learning to love yourself and getting out of any relationship that might hinder that before you jump into an even more complicated situation. It seems to me that many folks who have affairs aren't willing to face the problems in their marriages head-on and solve them or end it like responsible adults. Instead, they go out and have flings, which uses another human being like a drug so that we feel good about ourselves. And that's what's wrong for me, whether maritally or extramaritally. Best wishes on your journey of self-discovery.
No Stress Lady Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Welcome, Blind Illusion. I've been married forever, but there was a time when I knew I was vulnerable to an affair because of a lack of attention at home. I can understand how it happens. I think the animosity you may experience is something beyond just outright condemnation along the lines of "It's just wrong!" For me, it's what you said about learning to love yourself and getting out of any relationship that might hinder that before you jump into an even more complicated situation. It seems to me that many folks who have affairs aren't willing to face the problems in their marriages head-on and solve them or end it like responsible adults. Instead, they go out and have flings, which uses another human being like a drug so that we feel good about ourselves. And that's what's wrong for me, whether maritally or extramaritally. Best wishes on your journey of self-discovery. Good post Becoming
Sami_D Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Curmudgeon put it out there for you. The reason is, that there are 'victims' other than the person themselves. The BS, and the Children. But actually I don't know of many/any OW (and I've read A LOT) who went into it thinking... hey, great! this will be fun and who cares about the W and C...!!! We all went into it with the 'knowledge' that the MM's marriage was 'over' 'bad' 'unworkable' etc etc... and that's those of us who even KNEW he was married. We were bullshiyted to begin with (or didn't realise that 'my marriage is crap' doesn't mean that 'i am leaving it') and now we're blamed for the entire thing.... And all the time, MM gets off scott free, by the wife, and by society. But, to 'society' ... we're the ones to blame. And that's not helped by the 20-something idiots (or trolls) posting on here about not-good-enough diamonds, and drill-happy dentists. Welcome to the mad house.
castle26 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 "What I wonder, tonight, is this: Why is there such animosity for the OW's sadness or rollar coaster emotions? No one would utter to someone having a heart attack, "Well, what did you expect, after all, eating all those Big Macs?" Nor would one fliippantly reply to someone diagnosed with lung cancer, "Oh, serves you right, smoking all these years". Seems like people leave their compassion at the door, however, if a woman expresses feelings of heartache because she found herself in love with someone society deems should not have been. Sometimes, I think people should just suspend the judgement calls about the circumstances involved and just realize that the tears someone may cry for another human being are composed of the very same substance as those you might shed for the very same reason." My mother would judge, though. Like she judged me. All my life I was loved by my parents, then the minute I started loving a man I "shouldn't love," everything good I ever did was disregarded. I was DISOWNED by my parents. They trash me to everyone they know, but the hell of it is, their not willing to admit why their really angry, so they just make up shyt about me, to hate me for. They seem to want every other person in the world to hate me too. My Mother and My Father Right now, I'm going through a cancer scare they know about it, yet they don't contact me. They no longer care if I live or die. All this because I love the wrong person.
Curmudgeon Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 The wife may let the husband off scott free but I certainly don't. I also don't blame the OW anymore than I blame the MM. It's been decades since I studied biology but if memory serves, it still takes two or is that just a myth now? I know that a lot of men lie about the state of their marriage or even if they're married at all but after a time, it should become rather evident. Whatever their story or situation, I think they're dogs.
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