jackrabbit022 Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 hi everyone, i'm new to all this, but i could use some help. i've read some of the post, but didn't really see anything relating to my situtation. i hope someone can help or direct me in the right way. i'm going to try to keep the story short. i've been with my husband for almost 7 years, married almost 2 years. when we first got together i was one of his many girlfriends, which i knew about the others and didn't really think much of it, because i wasn't looking for anything serious. but things ended up getting serious, he decided he was going to make me number 1. i moved in with him and eventually ended up getting pregnant, which was not a bad thing. he always told me that there would always be girlfriends on the side, but of course in my mind, i thought i could change him and make him happy and give him everything he ever wanted and he wouldn't ever need other girlfriends. years down the road, he was faithful for almost 6 years. he never had any girlfriends like he said he would. we have always been open to each other from the beginning. in 2004 i decided to join the military, i left for basic training in aug. and was supposed to graduted in oct. but i ended up getting hurt and was sent to a place to heal and recover and go back and finish basic. anyways between us fighting all the time on the phone, he thought that i had changed and didn't love him and our daughter anymore ( it didn't help any with everyone back home telling him that the only reason i joined the military was to get away from him ). which was not true, i was having a hard time dealing with being hurt and away from home and not wanting to be there. sometime in oct. he started talking to one of our neighbor's friend about our problems and she was there in his time of need when i wasn't. but the relationship ended up developing into more than just a friendship, they ended up falling in love. he says that her and i are almost alike, that's why he probably fell in love with her. anyways, i finish basic training and job training and came home 9 months later. at this point i still don't know about her. well we all packed up and moved to my first duty station, 2 months after we get to my duty station i found out about her through the text messages and the instant messages on the computer. he was telling her all the things he has ever said to me and making plans with her, which were all our plans we had made for the future. well that's the gest of the story, but here is the problem, he refuses to let go of her, he dosen't plan on leaving me, but will not tell her that. she is married too and her husband knows about my husband and they are still together, she says she doesn't love him. she won't let go of my husband either. i have talk to her several times on the phone and she has said sorry for hurting me and never meant it. my problem is i still love my husband very much and are still in love with him very much, he says the same thing about me too. he also says that yes he does love her, but not like he loves me. but i can't just leave it alone, i don't think it is fair that i have to share my husband with someone else. other than her our marriage is good. we don't fight or argue, except about her. she is supposed to come and visit my husband and spend the weekend with him. he is going o leave me home all weekend with our daughter, while he does his thing with her and when it's done he plans on coming home and wants me to be alright with everything and continuing loving him. how do i do this? how do i act like she doesn't exist and go on with my life and marriage. everyone that knows about this says i should leave him, but it's not that easy, we have a child together and i have too much pride to let go of him and let her have him. anyone ever been in this situtation? can anyone please help me?
newbby Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 your husband is expecting alot from you. still, you have only 2 choices, really. you either accept him and the marriage as it is, which appears to be with the ow in the picture, or, you leave. there are of course variations. you could stay and make sure that the rule goes both ways, that is you find yourself another lover also. you could leave with the intention of making him see, that he cant have it all, only one or the other. he will never know which one to choose unless he experiences life without one or the other. of course you will have to be pretty tough to pull this one off. i hope this helps.
scarletletter Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 What a mess!! I'm sure you had your reasons for joining the military and I have all the respect in the world for the military...however...probably not a good idea to join when you have a small child and fragile marriage. Seems like you were needed more at home. That still does not give your H the right to have a weekend of fun with his girlfriend while you are at home. If it were me, which it is not, I would tell him that if he wanted to go and see the girl, then pack all of his sh*t and take it with him because he would not be coming back home. Period.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 ....I would tell him that if he wanted to go and see the girl, then pack all of his sh*t and take it with him because he would not be coming back home. Period. There's something valuable to be had in the willingness to end the marriage rather than tolerate poor treatment. I agree with Scarlet. If it were me, I'd look him right in the eye and tell him..."You go ahead and make your choices. Then, I'll make mine." He's a grown man. You can't stop him from doing as he pleases anymore than he could stop you from doing as YOU please to do. If it were me, and my husband spent the weekend with another woman....I'd be changing the locks and pitching his sh*t out on the lawn while he was gone. And I'd be calling a lawyer in advance to have my options open for IMMEDIATE action too. I'd have my motions on STAND-BY waiting to go before the judge.
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 i don't think it is fair that i have to share my husband with someone else. other than her our marriage is good. we don't fight or argue, except about her. she is supposed to come and visit my husband and spend the weekend with him. he is going o leave me home all weekend with our daughter, while he does his thing with her and when it's done he plans on coming home and wants me to be alright with everything and continuing loving him. how do i do this? how do i act like she doesn't exist and go on with my life and marriage. everyone that knows about this says i should leave him, but it's not that easy, we have a child together and i have too much pride to let go of him and let her have him. anyone ever been in this situtation? can anyone please help me? What he is doing and asking of you isn't normal. It is selfish and CRUEL, not only to you, but to your son! WTF? He wants to go play with another woman all weekend ALONE and then come back home, like all is OK? Did he hit his head or does he have a brain injury? The choices are clear - Tell him he walks out the door to go spend the weekend alone with her, the marriage is over and you'll be seeing him in court. That oughtta make him stop and think. Or, you let him go, and then welcome him back with open arms... He has to decide WHO he wants to be with. He can't love two women like this, it's so unfair to you, his WIFE. Sorry, but wtf is his problem? I know you don't want to give him up, but if he is going to continue to do this, you can't live like things are now. I don't understand how your husband can look you in the eye and think that what he is doing is actually OK.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 .....and i have too much pride to let go of him and let her have him. This is NOT something you necessarily should fear, btw. When the BS (betrayed spouse) withdraws, it becomes incumbant upon the affair partner to meet ALL of the ENs (emotional needs) that were previously being met by both love interests. Currently, YOU are meeting some of your husband's ENs....and the OW is meeting the rest. It's a pretty good deal for the cheating MM, isn't it? ....to have TWO women meeting his needs. When you remove the cake from the cake-eater's plate....he doesn't have any cake to eat.
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