Prim&proper Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 My bf and I have been together for almost 2 months now, though we met back in November. We are completely smitten with each other and he tells me he loves me all the time. My problem is that I think I love him, but not sure if I do. I enjoy spending time with him and want to spend all my free time with him. I definitely have strong feelings for him, but i'm confused. My question for you all is: 1. how do you know it is love or that you are in love? 2. We are completely smitten with each other now, but how long does this stage lasts? 3. Does the smitten-ness goes away? And usually when? 4. And if you are not longer smitten with someone, is that the time to go your separate ways? Sorry to get all philosophical but I think it's an interesting question. Thoughts?
Walk Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 1. how do you know it is love or that you are in love? My philosophical answer on what love is... I think too many people want to put a border around love. Like say "Love starts HERE." But it doesn't. It grows. There's no difinitive line. It's a level of emotion that we've loosely labeled. For me, I start to think the word love when "I like you so much", "I like you more then chocolate.", "I can't even tell you how much I like you." when those don't even scratch how I feel, then I start to think of the big "I love you.". 2. We are completely smitten with each other now, but how long does this stage lasts? Lasts about a year for me. Depends on the guy, on the relationship, on outside influences. If you continue to keep the relationship alive and fun, then it can last as long as you want. 3. Does the smitten-ness goes away? And usually when? It goes away when you start realizing your partner has annoying habits, and you realize they aren't the angelic creature you once saw. I think up until then, we tend to see everything they do as "cute". 6 months to a year? Approximately. Again, depends on the partner and relationship. 4. And if you are not longer smitten with someone, is that the time to go your separate ways? Maybe I'm not understanding what you mean when you say smitten. I think of the jittery, butterfly feeling you get when you first fall in love with someone. Or do you mean that feeling of wanting to see them, or spend time with them all the time. Because when I stop wanting to be around someone, and spend my time with them, then it's time to go our seperate ways.
Walk Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 P.s. I didn't exchange "I love you's until about 3-4 months into the last relationship, and I thought that was kind of quick. So I would think it's pretty normal to feel a little unclear on love only 2 months into your relationship. Don't feel like your strange or that somethings wrong with you. Just give yourself more time and get to know your bf. And if you are still unclear a month or so from now, then you need to re-evaluate if this is the right relationship for you. Otherwise, you sound like your in a very stable, normal position, but your bf may be moving rather quickly.
AmItheOne Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 not to hijack your post...but on the subject of the big "L" word...do you think it a bad sign if it hasn't been said in almost 2 years of dating? We have traveled together all over the world...we have a great time together, but neither one of us has said "I love you"...he will sign a card, "Love..." but has never said "I love you" and being a girly girl, I don't want to be the first one to say it first. I have hinted it...by saying things like "that's what you do for someone you love" with no response .
Walk Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 I've never run into something like that... not sure I should answer that. Maybe you should say it first? I'd actually take his actions as his words. If he's showing you he loves you, then it's a million times better then someone who says it all the time but never acts it. It'd be nice to have both... but we can't always have everything we want. If the rest is great, then I'd say he's either scared, or waiting for you to say it first, or got burned really bad saying it in a past experience... Out of curiosity, have you ever asked him why he doesnt' say it? Does he say it to his family?
AmItheOne Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 No, Walk...I have never asked him why he doesn't say it. He was really burned in the past though, I know that. He was married for 3 years and his wife cheated on him and he divorced her immediately, never even tried to talk to her about it or work it out...and I know its had an effect on him. He tells me he still has "nightmare" about her (which sucks for me cause I believe there is a fine line between love and hate, so if he still has dreams then he is still very much attached). That is why I have tried to be so patient with him. As far as saying it to his family, I don't really know...he was in the Navy when we met and his family lives in the midwest...we live in the south east, I haven't had the opportunity to meet them yet (although he has met ALL of my family and even vacationed with them, they get along very well). We lived in the same city for about 6 months...then I graduated from college, he got out of the Navy and life took us in a little bit of a different direction (we decided not to make life decisions based on "us"). We live 3 hours apart now, but see each other as often as we can. He does treat me pretty well, he's not the overly mushy type which is sometimes hard cause when you are in a LD relationship you need that reassurance. I just wanted to get someone else's prospective because all of my friends are saying its just down right weird and that they would have a HUGE problem with it.
Walk Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 If he has "nightmares" like I had nightmares... then no, it doesn't have anything to do with "love". Those are nightmares in the truest sense. They are horrible. I had them for about 2 years after my divorce. It took a long time to heal from that. Still get one from time to time. You're very supportive of him, that's really great to see. If your relationship is working for you, then don't let anyone else tell you what is "normal" or "the only way". Just because society says "this is the correct way" does not mean that is the right way for every one. Make your own rules, and follow your heart. That's the best way to ensure you will be happy. If the lack of I love you's starts to bother you though, then discuss it with him. Don't let it get to the point you feel bitter and hateful though, or else it'll be too late to comprimise. You have to catch it before then. But at some point (before bitter) talk to him about how he feels. Only if it becomes a problem for you. Otherwise, sounds like the two of you have a happy relationship worked out in an otherwise difficult situation. Very impressive.
AmItheOne Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 Walk...thank you so much for telling me about your "nightmares", I didn't know it was a common thing as I have never been married and had that happen to me. It's great to see that it is a normal thing, he has been divorced about 2 years now so we met very soon after his divorce was final. I have never tried to "push" him into anything and I never would. A forced "I love you" is not what I want from him...that's why I have never brought it up. I am very happy with our relationship and the fact that he knows he can trust me...and I am completely willing to let him work through his feelings of hurt because of his ex...although it seems at times you are paying for someone else's mistake. I miss him terribly...I know I love him...just don't want to throw that into the mix of his emotions when he is trying to work through the grief and anger of his marriage. I just hope that one day he will see that I am not her, I have never cheated on ANYONE...couldn't live with myself if I did. Walk, thank you again...so much...you have given me more insight than you will ever know.
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