ToughWeakGirl Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I had written before about how he was fragile, and maybe I'm too harsh....but you know what, I'm so over this! I just can't stand him anymore! We've been engaged only 2 months and it's been nothing but torture. We've been together almost 2 yrs now and somewhere along the lines I fell out of love and ever since the animosity has just been growing and growing. Here's the thing, he's so frikin' sensitive, he dwells on everything and never lets anything go. He's a frikin' head case! I just can't cope w/ him anymore. I've been so depressed lately! I hate coming home, I hate our life together. His idea of a good time is going home, cooking and watching TV.....he acts like he is 50yrs old. We are only 27 for Gods sake! Our sex life is non-existent………yet I find out from our cable bill that he’s watching porn after I go to bed! He’s a total lamo-I used to be so active before I met him, bicycling, swimming, and dancing where routine.....and now....nothing. He says he will never dance w/ me b/c I dance better than him. Ugh...pathetic! I'm soooooo frustrated. Don’t get me wrong there are good qualities about him….that’s of course how I fell in love. He’s sweet, honest, dedicated and trustworthy but these things just aren’t enough anymore! Financially-it sucks too. He’s got 2 kids from his X and ½ his firkin check goes to her. Leaving him only enough to cover his ½ of the household expenses. No money to take me out anymore….. Here's why I can't just leave him: 1. We have a huge apt. together and I can't afford it alone. (this after 5yrs of living alone in my own little safe apt. that I was able to afford alone...why, why did I do it to myself.) 2. My daughter....she loves him. Her dad is a total looser but my fiancé has filled that spot in her life....she'd be so confused. (She's 10 old enough to ask many questions) 3. The engagement...........family.......ugh, need I say more? If it wasn't for these things I'd be out today! And...NO he wasn't this way before. He used to act like he was into all the things I'm into. He was active and he hid his sensitivity....and this whole child support thing just got worst becuase they raised his payments! ($100 a week per kid...that's crazy...I have a 10yr old and I don't spend that kind of money on her weekly....their mother don't even work. 30yr old uneducated broad living off the system...UGH...so annoying........but that's besides the point). Help!
basscatcher Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I think you need to maybe seek a councelor to get perspective. He sounds like he got too comfortable and is taking you and your relationship for granted. When it comes to child support he can petition the child support office and let them know he can't survive off his income if they keep raising his support. The child support office has a waiver form or something like that he can fill out showing his income vs expenses. They system wont allow his X to be on it for a long period of time. There is limitations to using it now. I have a gf who is getting bumped off in 10 months so she is scrambling to find a way to support herself and her two kids. both of her kids have issues also. her oldest has ADHD and her youngest is handicapped. Even having young children with disabilities she is still getting kicked off the system.. She has to find daycare and employement to support them. Its not cheap.. If your welfare system is up to par she wont be using the system forever.. As for child support your fiance can contact the child support enforcement office and let them know he is having financial difficulties due to increasing his support amout. See what they will do for him. Make sure to bring in proof of all living expenses in detail including laundry, toiletries etc.. Sounds like communication fell out the door on your relationship.. I have that with Charlie and he is responding to me that he understands and he reassured me he wants to work WITH me to get through these tiffs we were getting into.
Coochie Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Het there TWG. If you're feeling like this now it'll just get so much worse if/when you're married. Your daughter is 10 and old enough to ask questions - old enough to understand your explanations too. Your resentment with your fiance will just grow and the environment that this will foster will be detrimental to your daughter in the long run. Have to talked to him about how you're feeling? The embarrassment of breaking off the engagement will take a lot of courage to get through, but it's gotta be easier than divorce! Good luck love - not an easy decision! Just be sure it's not a stage that you can work through.
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Word. As a woman who went ahead and got married feeling very similar things towards my now ex-H, I have to agree with Coochie. I was 21, though, and still had the excuses of youth and stupidity and inexperience. Actually your finace sounds like my ideal mate, haha. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic so I stay home all the time. Different strokes, I guess. Maybe you should take a vacation by yourself. Clear your head, get some perspective?
Moose Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Here's why I can't just leave him: 1. We have a huge apt. together and I can't afford it alone. (this after 5yrs of living alone in my own little safe apt. that I was able to afford alone...why, why did I do it to myself.) 2. My daughter....she loves him. Her dad is a total looser but my fiancé has filled that spot in her life....she'd be so confused. (She's 10 old enough to ask many questions) 3. The engagement...........family.......ugh, need I say more? Without the Love, none of these things matter. If you go into this marriage without loving him for who he is, you'll eventually wind up divorcing anyway. I say circumvent this, and don't get married.
helena abadi Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 i have to agree with moose. the reasons for not continuing with the engagement are compelling. the reasons for staying do not seem viable at all. they are all third party reasons.
mablung Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 ok, I'm sorry, but I'll give it a different spin here (I know I'm biased, because in a way I'm on the other side of the fence). Right now, the reasons you showed are indeed not good enough to continue with this relationship. However, you're saying he didn't use to be like that. Do you think you'd still feel "out of love" with him if he went back to the way he used to be ? Again, based on what you're telling us, right now it seems better to try and put an end to it. But since you've got pretty far, make sure you're sure that this is what you want, and that it's not possible to have it any other way (or if it's possible, that you're not willing to pay the price for it).
CaliGuy Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Just playing the devil's advocate here, but: Have you ever sat down and COMMUNICATED your issues to him? Some people can and do change when they are faced with losing someone. Why is he acting this way now? What changed? Does he still love you? Do you feel with improvement your feelings would change? If you've gotten to the point of deciding to marry then I think it's worth a shot to sit him down and tell him how you feel before just pulling stakes and leaving. It's up to you to decide what you want to do and if it's worth it.
cal gal Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Just playing the devil's advocate here, but: Have you ever sat down and COMMUNICATED your issues to him? Some people can and do change when they are faced with losing someone. Why is he acting this way now? What changed? Does he still love you? Do you feel with improvement your feelings would change? If you've gotten to the point of deciding to marry then I think it's worth a shot to sit him down and tell him how you feel before just pulling stakes and leaving. It's up to you to decide what you want to do and if it's worth it. To be honest - I hate the devil's advocate thing.... I have had friends play that role with me in the past few months and it it painstakingly brutal to have to justify all the details you don't want to do to yourself, much less out loud. Bottom line is, either you are in it for the long haul and love him more than yourself ; or if you feel you can't do that emotionally, then call it off completely. You need to be fair to him as much as to yourself. As I am looking back at your headline about your feelings about your Fiance' - I would feel sorry for any man that would marry a person going into a serious committment with those reservations! Marriage takes so much more than what you are portraying in your post....
In Sync Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 Ok, here it goes...end this relationship. If you care for this man, ever in your life loved him..then show him some respect and end this relationship tastefully and respectfully. If you are unsatisfied now and are finding excuses to go through with it..you will blame him for whatever unhappiness you experience from moment you say "I do." Why subject yourself, your daughter (and she will see when you are unhappy as time goes by..children are not blind to these things) and him to a marriage based on a lie. There's no crime in having fallen out of love with someone. Will it hurt him, probably but no more than being with a wife who is discontented. Staying with him because of an apartment is not enough of a reason. That's fear talking when you use the aparment as a reason to through it... This is not the Victorian age. Build a happy home elsewhere, where you and your daughter can be. I am not suggesting that you be brutal and stomp on the guy's heart but he's owed this from you, honesty. So I suggest you have a real talk with him..and definitely not in the earshot of your daughter and resolve it...because obviously from your own description you seem totally not into marrying him.
SoleMate Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 Let's weight the pros and cons. PRO Helps me afford huge apartmentFather figure for my daughter"The engagement...........family.......ugh, need I say more?" CON I can't stand himBeing with him is torture OK, now it's easy. Move into a small apt like you used to have. Clarify why you are considering binding yourself for life to someone just to avoid the awkwardness of breaking the engagement. I consider your daughter's feelings the strongest consideration you have mentioned. And STILL, I recommend that you put her first by not considering this marriage until you really WANT the MAN instead of just what he provides. BTW...based on your own words, I don't see him as a bad person. Clearly the r/s is not working. I suspect that your own issues have much more to do withy your dissatisfaction than any particular behavior of his. If you were all together, and your man started acting uncharacteristically potato-like, you would just say, "Honey, let's get it in gear and go for a walk." Instead, you let your animosity build. I would recommend you get some IC and be evaluated for depression. In other words, no doubt he has some emotional issues, and so do you. You can work on them together, or separated, but the one thing you MUST NOT do is marry someone you can't stand. Your feelings may resolve, and then you can go ahead. Or split up. Good luck.
Devildog Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 YEah, I am going to have to go with the consensus here too. I felt alot of what you are feeling with my now XW. I still got married because it was "the right thing to do". I spent five years doing everything in my power to try and make it work. In the end, she left me for another man because she was unhappy (numerous psychological issues involved), and I was miserable too! This situation isn't likely to get better I am afraid to say. I am watching a friend go through a similar situation right now. Part of the justification being "we've been together for this long". Trust me, it will be easier for everyone to be honest about this now, rather than after five more years of misery when you decide to call it quits. It doesn't make you a bad person to admit if this isn't what you want. And it is better to do this now rather than after you are married.
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