greenshift Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Last August my wife admitted to having an affair the previous November with a guy she's in graduate school with. I questioned her honesty about the extent of the affair because, before the time in quesion, she spent quite a bit of time out late, saying that she had this one professor who would consistently continue lecturing for half an hour or so after the (late night) class was over, and that she had to stay. This happened about a year or so before the admitted affair supposedly started. I've been going over this and just getting more and more irate, and I keep spotting factors and clues I should have seen at the time that this was an extended, on-going relationship. I keep grinding my teeth, mentally calling her words I would never say out loud. Why on earth would she put me through eight months of chasing, begging (BTW, kids - not a great idea. Never helps), jumping through hoops to be the guy she said she wants, and still lie to be about this guy? Even after admitting she'd had an affair, why lie about the extent of it, especially when her goal was to have me gone? ARGH! I just want to SCREAM. The divorce is final, we're not speaking. I know I shouldn't be worried about this, but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe that X is just NOT the woman I thought she was. Mistakes I understand - believe me,I've made a few myself, though not to this extent. But to exhibit a pattern of uncaring deceit while putting my frickin' LIFE at risk (by sleeping with this guy without protection and me during the same period)? That's not a mistake - that's a whole different personality. I'm SO much better off, but I'm hurt, and mad, and I just want to throw something or yell at someone or find a bad person so I can beat the crap out of them (I am NOT a violent person - haven't been in a fight since grade school). Somebody - please tell me this is going to stop eventually, that I'll get over this. Somebody on the other side of the ravine, send up a flair. I need the encouragement.
silktricks Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Somebody - please tell me this is going to stop eventually, that I'll get over this. Somebody on the other side of the ravine, send up a flair. I need the encouragement. You will get over this. In fact, in time you'll wonder why on earth you didn't get over it faster. But. . . you will get over this. (My first husband - same kinda thing) Now I just wonder what I EVER saw in him. What a total waste of time, energy and love.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Hey GS... wish I could say "yes it will stop" but I can't honestly say that yet from my own experience. In my case, WXW was a serial cheat, which I didn't learn until after seven years of marriage and two kids. We split in the fall of 2003 and are divorced. Much as she wants us to be friends and be on good terms and for me to forgive her, I don't want her friendship, or to really have her in my life beyond what's necessary to co-parent. And working to forgive her will take the investment of emotional energy that's better spent on myself and on other people in my life. And even now, more than two years out, I still have times -- like the last few days -- where I'm just angry about things. Not because of anything new she's done, but just BECAUSE. She's not the person I thought I knew -- that person died ten years ago. And the person I now know she is, I don't want to know. Why would I want to have a relationship with somebody who comprehensively sh*t on me for years, and put my life at risk by riding multiple guys without protection? Why should I have regard or respect for somebody like that? These feelings come and go, and their frequency and intensity lessen with time. My goal is to be completely indifferent towards her and towards the past. But I'm not there yet. One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is, CHANNEL your anger into something that's good for you. Last spring, when I was in a considerably worse space, I took up boxing. Great workout, and did wonders for my frustrations. Exercise is a great outlet, even if your motivation is simply to one day show your XW what she threw away. Let your anger work for you. The great thing about anger is that it MAKES you want to act, to get up and do something. Sadness, by comparison, saps your strength -- you just want to crawl into a corner and die. Hang in there buddy...
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