Question for the OW on this forum

[silktricks]

It seems to me (a BS) that the OW on this forum have a lot of anger towards us wives. Why is that? We haven't done anything to you. I (personally) have gained a lot of insight towards your situation(s) while visiting this forum.

 

I haven't felt judgemental towards you. However, the anger, bitterness, and condescension that I've received has blown me away, and I've seen a similar reaction toward other wives who've chosen to remain with their husbands after discovery of the affair. So. . . why is that?

 

If this is coming out in any way judgemental, it is REALLY not meant in that light. I am trying very hard to understand.

[Sami_D]

Quick first response is...

 

1) this is an OW forum. If you're posting as an active BS you're probably not in the frame of mind to SUPPORT OW.

 

2) Your husbands do an AWFUL lot of lying to OW. You would be well advised to see just HOW badly the majority of them lie before blaming OW for listening to them. Because.. YOU fall for the same lies when you take them back.

[whats wrong with me]

touchy touchy aren't we?

 

by SAMID

1) this is an OW forum. If you're posting as an active BS you're probably not in the frame of mind to SUPPORT OW.

 

2) Your husbands do an AWFUL lot of lying to OW. You would be well advised to see just HOW badly the majority of them lie before blaming OW for listening to them. Because.. YOU fall for the same lies when you take them back

 

As an active bs and past OW I support some of you because....your right... our H do lie to OW's alot...about the bs (how we dont listen, sex is no good, spend all their money, etc.) I was an OW who listened to the MM, Him and his wife split up and now I am the BS... who is trying to keep you OW from making some of the same mistakes as I did!!! (like believing him) now he says the same crap about me)

 

Your also right about us taking them back, but I personally didn't fall for the lies...I just intend to make his life HELL!!!

 

So if any OW is messing w/ my H, he will be tired, HE wil have NO money to spend, to retire on or to fight me with and he will not be able to leave me and be happy by himself.

[whats wrong with me]

We haven't done anything to you. I (personally) have gained a lot of insight towards your situation(s) while visiting this forum.

However, the anger, bitterness, and condescension that I've received has blown me away, and I've seen a similar reaction toward other wives who've chosen to remain with their husbands after discovery of the affair.

If this is coming out in any way judgemental, it is REALLY not meant in that light. I am trying very hard to understand.

 

 

what she said

[Sami_D]

Yes, and the anger and b-s aimed at the OW by the BS is at least of the same degree, if not more.

 

It's the same problem... Women listening to and believing the MM, when he is often lying. MM is the crux of the whole thing... he's the liar, he's the one weaving and creating two realities. And it's up to us (women) to try not to buy into it beyond what we can verify and are willing to believe on our own heads.

 

If you want to post somewhere where people are poking at the OW, go to the Infidelity forums, or if you look around online there are many places where OW are villified and made to feel less than human. There are many. I've seen them. What is written is disgusting. The women who write them are really hurt. They probably need that bit of hateful vengefulness. But... they're missing out on the people who misled them. Their husbands. The OW are great targets.

 

Currently you're here on the OW forum. OW may now and then have a go at 'the wives' but you won't find many posts actually aimed at particular BS's... are there any? On the other hand, here on our OW forum there are often digs, and kicks at the OW.

 

So... if you post on an OW forum... please expect a little of something. There is an Infidelity forum on LS where I am sure you would be pretty clear of attack.

 

We OW are not so lucky.

[whats wrong with me]

they're missing out on the people who misled them. Their husbands. The OW are great targets

 

I'm not

 

I dont know sometimes I see it as an attack when someone says leave or you should have known... Iknow my posts seem rude but they are not meant to be. I agree with you more than you know my H sucks he is the biggest piece of **** that has walked the earth (in my opinion).

 

I dont even know why I post here cause I wouldn't have listened when I was the OW. I guess I just wish his ex-wife would have contacted me and told me so I had the option to be watching for the signs. for the record what he has done to me he has done to at least 4 other women (almost exactly the same). After, we split he told everyone I was a theiving, drug addict, lesbian prostitute. He told me the same about his wife, her the same about the woman before her and so on. I know this cause we have all talked.

[silktricks]

Quick first response is...

 

1) this is an OW forum. If you're posting as an active BS you're probably not in the frame of mind to SUPPORT OW.

 

What is an active BS - just someone who chose to forgive her husband?

 

2) Your husbands do an AWFUL lot of lying to OW. You would be well advised to see just HOW badly the majority of them lie before blaming OW for listening to them. Because.. YOU fall for the same lies when you take them back.

 

yes they do lie to the OW a lot. BUt how totally condescending of you to say that we fall for the same lies when we take them back. Some straying spouses are truly contrite for their actions.

[whats wrong with me]

P.S. I read over here alot of times because I feel like the OW even though Im the BS.

plus it seems that OW's seem to show their hurting different. Alot of times reading the infidelity forum makes me sad because so many of us have lost our self respect and self esteem (me for one) and every one is saying I'm so sorry... but the OW's forum seems to be a little catty (not that that is bad), defensive and not so sad and it gives me a feeling that I can't describe other than as mad enough to give him hell.

[Sami_D]

What is an active BS - just someone who chose to forgive her husband?.

 

Someone posting with that as the main focus of their lives at the moment. No, I don't think they should be posting here. For the same reason I won't go posting on a Surviving Infidelity forum telling them they're all sex-averted weirdos who never talk to their men. It's not true, and it's not helpful. And rightly I would get blown out of the water. So how come it's ok for similar posts in the opposite direction to be posted here... 'he's in love with his W and of course he's lying to you about his sex life, and you're just there for the sex'... um, no.

 

 

yes they do lie to the OW a lot. BUt how totally condescending of you to say that we fall for the same lies when we take them back. Some straying spouses are truly contrite for their actions.

 

Well isnt' it the same man. Sorry if I am sounding condescending, but the man who will lie for sex is the same man who will lie for a quiet home life and access to his children.

 

You call it one way, how can it be other than that for the other woman in his life?

[Sami_D]

P.S. I read over here alot of times because I feel like the OW even though Im the BS.

plus it seems that OW's seem to show their hurting different. Alot of times reading the infidelity forum makes me sad because so many of us have lost our self respect and self esteem (me for one) and every one is saying I'm so sorry... but the OW's forum seems to be a little catty (not that that is bad), defensive and not so sad and it gives me a feeling that I can't describe other than as mad enough to give him hell.

 

Not sure I understand why you feel like the OW even though you're the BS... why is that..?

 

YOu know what..? I feel like I'm a fish out of water on this (and other OW) forums most of the time. I don't know exactly why that is, but sometimes I feel it's the age gap thing. I think the wives are most often in their 30s or 40s, and the OW who come on THIS forum are mostly (mostly, mostly) in their 20s.

 

The fact that the majority of affairs are age-gap relationships seems to me to explain a lot of the anger and misunderstanding from both sides.

 

Teeny 20 somethings thinking they know everything about the world are enough to fk everyone's back up. And tired women of 40-+ are just not in the mood for it.

 

I don't know if that's the whole thing, but it's probably something of it.

[Allegrokw]

Silk -

 

I understand why you want to know. I guess all I can add is that I have no anger, animosity, or ill feelings for my MM's wife. I feel genuinely devastated by the situation, and all of our participation in it. My MM's W has known that we are together for 3 years. They have been separated mostly during the entire time.

 

I feel so sad that we (W and Me) have been put through this, but I also know that we are both responsible for our actions. I truly never wanted to hurt or betray another woman.

 

I felt the worst when I left my MM about a month ago, and she was trying to talk him into coming back to the marriage. There is 100% disclosure between the three of us, so unlike most Affairs, we at least have all of the information.

 

He has been very honest with her about the reasons that he would stay married. Guilt, obligation, history, etc. No marital love, but a love like a sister. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.

 

Since I left him, he decided to leave her and me. It was the best move of all. He left town to figure out how to break away from his marriage. Not how to get back into it. I really feel bad for her. I know that she is not disillusioned about his feelings. I just feel terrible that she would want to continue in a loveless marriage, and not go out to experience the passion and joy that we have had for all of this time. I blame him for that. I am sure that her self esteem is pretty much crushed. As is mine, at times.

 

I don't know if that helped to answer your question, but please know that not all of us OW are without compassion and empathy.

[silktricks]

Well isnt' it the same man. Sorry if I am sounding condescending, but the man who will lie for sex is the same man who will lie for a quiet home life and access to his children.

 

You call it one way, how can it be other than that for the other woman in his life?

 

so you don't believe in contrition, and sorrow over what he did to his wife, but you DO believe that he can truly want to leave his wife to be with the ow. it sounds to me like you believe what you want to believe - just the same thing you talk down to wives about. It IS condescending, and it is rude.

 

Do you ever forgive anyone if they've hurt you?

[whats wrong with me]

Not sure I understand why you feel like the OW even though you're the BS... why is that..? probley because I know he's cheating and I know what lies he's telling the OW

 

YOu know what..? I feel like I'm a fish out of water on this (and other OW) forums most of the time. I don't know exactly why that is, but sometimes I feel it's the age gap thing. I think the wives are most often in their 30s or 40s, and the OW who come on THIS forum are mostly (mostly, mostly) in their 20s. That seems about right

 

The fact that the majority of affairs are age-gap relationships seems to me to explain a lot of the anger and misunderstanding from both sides. that seem about right too my H is alot older than me

 

Teeny 20 somethings thinking they know everything about the world are enough to fk everyone's back up. And tired women of 40-+ are just not in the mood for it.

thats "whats wrong with me":D I'm in the middle of 20 and 40 , depending on what day it is and my mood I either f it all up or am not in the mood for the sh**!!!

 

I don't know if that's the whole thing, but it's probably something of it.

 

good enough explanation for me:)

[whats wrong with me]

Do you ever forgive anyone if they've hurt you?

 

I know this isn't directed to me but I am just compelled to answer this...yes, I can forgive someone who has hurt me. BUT what do they say....1st time shame on you, 2nd time shame on me?

 

How often can you forgive someone when they did the same thing over and over, which one of these is the "1st time shame on you"?

 

for a one night stand? cheated once w/ 1 woman

for one affair that lasted 1 month? cheated 4 times w/ 1 woman

for an affair that lasted 1 year? cheated 54 times w/ 1 women

 

I guess its different for everyone (1st time shame on you)

[Sami_D]

so you don't believe in contrition, and sorrow over what he did to his wife, but you DO believe that he can truly want to leave his wife to be with the ow. it sounds to me like you believe what you want to believe - just the same thing you talk down to wives about. It IS condescending, and it is rude.

 

Do you ever forgive anyone if they've hurt you?

 

But most MM caught out in affairs will not leave... will do what the W says... and surely that means... will say what the W wants to hear...? Or have they suddenly become different people overnight..?

 

Aren't they the same people they were the night before the affair was discovered..?

 

Same person, same abilities to say and do what's needed to keep the women in their lives happy.

 

Or does that only apply to the R with their OW...?

[silktricks]

I guess its different for everyone

 

and that truly is my point. it is different for everyone.

 

Sometimes it has felt like the ow on these boards - and not just on the ow forum, but the infidelity & marriage forums as well, would like to convince the wives not to take back their h's. Is that to punish the men, or the wives - cuz speaking for myself it feels like you want to beat up on me because my husband chose me instead of the ow.

 

it feels like you are looking for the happily ever after for your situation, and if you can convince w not to forgive her h, then it improves the odds for your story to have the ending you want.

[Sami_D]

Well I can't comment on the posts or replies you've received on this forum (LS in general). But I can say that those posts and replies you received are from individuals, responding to particular ideas and situations you brought up (presumably), and these are women who (like me) are involved in affairs, or were in affairs.. or whatever (I've forgotten the demographic of the people you were commenting on).

 

You seem to be drawing conclusions about something here... what are they and what are they based on.? And why are you coming to OW forum to tell us about them..? You say WE might be looking for 'happy ever after'... but what are the other people posting here looking for..?

 

All we can see her are other people's stories (small amount) comment (LARGE amount). There's very little support on this board, compared to the condemnation and the BS posts looking to disprove.

 

We all know why we (as individuals) are here... no one apart from the real clueless newbies are under any illusions.

[whats wrong with me]

I do think it's different for everyone, but that also means the way "WE" handle things. I dont think OW's see things like this though

 

it feels like you are looking for the happily ever after for your situation, and if you can convince w not to forgive her h, then it improves the odds for your story to have the ending you want

 

"WE" BS's and OW's all have been screwed over by a MM or MW, some of "US" are in denial, hurt or plain out want to help someone else from making the same mistakes and/or decisions.

 

If you switch that statement around a little do you think that if you convince a OW that your H loves you and only you it improves your odds? ........(waiting)...... I didn't think so.

 

I should have been a lesbian, cause I've got brain warp from looking at this thread. Is their any lesbians around here that have these problems OW MW stuff?

[whats wrong with me]

Well I can't comment on the posts or replies you've received on this forum (LS in general). But I can say that those posts and replies you received are from individuals, responding to particular ideas and situations you brought up (presumably), and these are women who (like me) are involved in affairs, or were in affairs.. or whatever (I've forgotten the demographic of the people you were commenting on).

 

You seem to be drawing conclusions about something here... what are they and what are they based on.? And why are you coming to OW forum to tell us about them..? You say WE might be looking for 'happy ever after'... but what are the other people posting here looking for..?

 

All we can see her are other people's stories (small amount) comment (LARGE amount). There's very little support on this board, compared to the condemnation and the BS posts looking to disprove.

 

We all know why we (as individuals) are here... no one apart from the real clueless newbies are under any illusions.

 

 

Sami D, I think your crazy!!! but wasn't einstein?

[OzGirl]

yes they do lie to the OW a lot. BUt how totally condescending of you to say that we fall for the same lies when we take them back. Some straying spouses are truly contrite for their actions.

 

Is there any point to asking a question of people who you are not in the same situation as - hence asking it, then debating their answers? Clearly, you don't identify with the OW, which might be where the curiousity to ask the question comes from in the first place.

 

The anger towards the W is because often the reasons we're told by the MM that he can't be with us on a permanent basis is due to the wife, kids, mortgage, etc. It's ridiculous from your perspective, I'm sure - but to the OW it feels like if the W were not around, they would have MM all to themselves. So, they start to resent the W believing she is obstacle number one to complete happiness with the MM.

 

I know (as an ex-OW) this is not only not the case for me, but not the case at all for most situations judging by the information handed through both this and the infidelity forums. From the W's point of view I'm sure this makes no sense, and just adds to the image of OW being young, stupid, naive girls who are handing out sex on a platter.

 

Most OW I would say have often actually had real psychological reasons to feel they're not worthy of anything better, and are often not young, or stupid in the academic sense, or handing out sex on a platter. Some might, but not all. Having someone look you in the eye and tell you you are beautiful inside and out is fairly compelling bait when you've not heard it, believed it, seen it or felt worthy of it, yet craved it all your life. Sometimes the MM is the first man to make you feel "accepted" for who you are.

 

I'm not suggesting you point out why this sounds contrived. I'm merely saying - there are emotional triggers that make them feel so strongly towards the MM - the W is an obstacle and that, combined with his derogatory comments on his wife, help the OW feel at ease to assume a negative opinion.

 

I'm not saying it's right - I'm answering your question.

 

It's ONLY been the infidelity forums and the fact that I haven't been shot down in flames for being curious and honest that I've learnt to have compassion for all BS's who seem to share an equal interest in understanding the OW's perspective. We don't always agree - but over time, there seems to be a slow but sure realisation that, due to the same man, we have knowledge on betrayal, lies, deception and heart ache. The difference is which end of the stick we were on.

[RedRose3373]

hello

 

hi i don't have any hard feelings at all towards the wife.

She has no idea what the affair & she wasn't the one that hurt me.

I have no bad feelings towards her.

I don't think any OW should.

 

She hasn't done anything wrong to me! It was her husband!

[Sami_D]

hello

 

hi i don't have any hard feelings at all towards the wife.

She has no idea what the affair & she wasn't the one that hurt me.

I have no bad feelings towards her.

I don't think any OW should.

 

She hasn't done anything wrong to me! It was her husband!

 

Ditto to what you said. The W is completely NOTHING to do with this.

 

Then again... the OW does at least know the affar is happening and CAN stop it. There's no doubt that the BS was clueless and powerless while we knew about it all... and THAT is where their anger comes from.

 

To come on this board and complain about OW's pain, and anger when directed to W however... is lacking in knowledge... the OW is often young, and LIED TO by your husband. So... look at the man you want to take back... he drew in a young, impressionable woman and lied to her about you.

 

Nice.

[scarletletter]

I have no feelings whatsoever for the W. I don't know her, don't know much about her and don't really care to. My feelings are for him and what HE is doing to his wife is HIS problem and hers of course. He is a grown man and if he chose this lifestyle for himself, he should be able to handle it. I never have negative feelings toward anyone at all until they give me reason to have them.

[silktricks]

Then again... the OW does at least know the affar is happening and CAN stop it. There's no doubt that the BS was clueless and powerless while we knew about it all... and THAT is where their anger comes from.

 

I think that is at least part of the anger - but most of it comes from the betrayal and lies.

 

To come on this board and complain about OW's pain, and anger when directed to W however... is lacking in knowledge... the OW is often young, and LIED TO by your husband. So... look at the man you want to take back... he drew in a young, impressionable woman and lied to her about you.

 

Nice.

But see, there you go making assumptions again. This isn't your case - according to you, you are 43. You are not young and impressionable. Well, neither was the OW in my case. She was 48. The only accurate thing you've said about my case is that he lied - which he did. But he lied to both of us, not just her, not just me.

 

Why do you so badly want me to believe that he is still lying to me? He's not.

[Chump64]

My husband's OW is a full decade older than us. I'm gonna sign her up for AARP.

 

 

Just a joke. I blame him, not her.