basscatcher Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I believe I finally woke up and smelled what the hell it has been that has really bothered me lately. I knew there was something that wasn't right in my relationship with Charlie and I am confident what it is and what can be done to resolve this.. Let me explain a bit of how/why I've been crazy, biaytchy, pushy, and irradict the past 2-3 weeks. I have been feeling really insecure and out of sorts the past few weeks. I couldn't understand why. I was thinking it was because he had female friends. (which I am not reallly comfortable with -because I don't understand those kids of friendships-- but I can tolerate it.) I have been weighing out the facts: *he calls me everyday.. sometimes several times a day. *he sees me on average 5-6 days a week we spend almost whole weekends together every other weekend (no kids weekends) *he gives me gifts here and there. *he pays for almost everything when were out. *he introduced me to his family and a few freinds within the first few weeks of dating. *he has shared many intimate and painful details of his divorce, relationsihp w/XW and XGF.. He has been open with me and attentitive but for some goofy reason I was feeling very insecure and uneasy. I took half of Weds and all of Thurs off work because my best friend was in town. She and I met up with Charlie Weds evening. She and I got to the rest/bar early and already each had a drink and was starting our second when Charlie showed up. I had been expressing to her all the things that have bothered me about Charlie and my relationship. I had been pushing on Charlie about a few things heavily and I am really surprised he didn't tell me to take a hike...(he really does care deeply:love: for me and wants to work through our differences.) Anyway, I had a bit of a buzz going when he showed up because I hadn't eaten much all day. I had been feeling so insecure for the past 2 weeks and couldn't get over the feeling.. Well I made a ass of myself.. I was acting like a 16 yr old immature girl trying to get attention from a boy she likes. I look back at myself and YES I am/was a 37 year old woman acting like a childish 16 year old girl.. I am embarrassed now. I was embarrassing him by my actions, I humiiated him by my words, I was acting demanding for his total focus. I AM REALLY EMBARRASSED... I felt like I was going to explode and I was really trying to keep myself together. I felt like I was on the edge of crying, screaming, throwing a temper tantrum (I didn't). But anyone could see and feel I wasn't right emotionally.. The more alcohol I consumed the more intense my feelings got. (bad bad bad.) I stopped after my 2nd drink.. I knew if I had another I couldn't drive and I would lose total control of myself. When I went to the bathroom Charlie started to unload to my gf about my behavior. He told her that he really really cares about me but the more crazy I get like this the worse he gets. He told her he has tried to ignor me when I get emotional but it was starting to TAX on him bad.. Then I came back and he shut up. On the way home my gf ripped into me. She put me in my place and jumped my shyt bad... I listened to her because she and I are very very close and she only wants the best for me. I trust her with her opinons and what she says... She is observant and witnessed things I didn't realize I was doing. She and Charlie are very much alike in the way they conduct themselves. They both are logical persons who express themselves through gift giving and spending time with the persons they feel close with.. They are NOT the huggy, touchy, feely type people.. Where as I AM the huggy, touchy, feely kind of person.. We are opposites.. After she chewed me out, I absorbed her words and then we discussed the matters at hand. I had time to think it all through and bounce things off her. She left Thurs morning and Charlie called me to come to his end of town and spend the day with him so I did. He was calmer and forgiving of my attitude and actions the night before. He was normal. I had a hard time understanding how he could be so forgiving and blow it all off so soon. We had a wonderful afternoon together.. Then last night it all came up on the phone until 1:30 am (I had to be up for work today at 7am). We talked (bickered) about how I have been acting. He really explained to me that he wasn't raised in a touchy, feely home growing up. He said he is NOT the kind of man who displays affection in public. He told me he WILL NOT greet me with a hug or a kiss in public or anyplace else really because he is not that kind of person. He said he NEVER has been. He said in the bedroom it is different. (Which is true, he is very loving, sensitive, gentle, kind, and giving.) but in public he isn't. He is not the type to touch for no reason. He is touchy when he is eight-sheets in the wind but not when he is sober. His beleifs are if he meets me in a restaurant he will not greet me with a kiss or a hug because that is showing possession to everyone in the establishement. He will greet me with a smile and a hi. I see a simple kiss and a hug as a sign of affection and love for the other person. To me this kind of gesture from my SO means "Hi, I missed you and I am very happy to be with you again." (we view this differently) He also isn't one for words of affirmation. He isn't one to give a compliment or talk about his feelings. He expresses his feelings in the things he does for someone; like, helping out with somethng or buying the person something to help them or something they need. His words are in his actions.. I am the kind of person that is very expressionable. I express verbally and openly what I feel, what I am feeling, and how I feel about the person. place or event. I am very very very communicative.. I use words he uses actions.. (as you can see we are opposite in our communication techniques). Last night I could barely sleep; my mind ran wild, trying to resolve this matter that is causing him and I so much distress and I figured it out... :bunny: I called him this morning and I said "Charlie I have figured this out.. " he said "You have?" i said "I need you to work with me on this problem and I need your help" he said "ok, what?" i siad "you are the kind of person that shows your thoughts and feelings by actions. I am the kind of person that needs touch and words of affirmation." he said "yes" so I requested "Could you please make a little effort to touch me more, like touch my shoulder or caress my back when you are near me a little bit from time to time or rub my knee or put your hand on my knee and could you please give me possitive words about ME to ME once in awhile even if is a little compliment?" he said "Yes" I told him I need to be touched and I need to hear possitive words from him to feel validation. I explained to him that a genuine, kind, sensitive touch means more to me then him giving me a ring on my finger. I told him it may sound extrememe to him but for me I am touchy feely and I need those things filled in my life to feel full, balanced, healthy and happy. He seemed to understand me. So I think I really discovered completely what has been bothering me. I wasn't getting my love tanks filled. He is a giver and doer I am a feeler and a talker. Opposites attract.. So he and I need to learn to compromise and learn to give what each other needs in order to feel healthy in our relationship. He is willing to work on giving me touch and words a little bit. I didn't ask for him to give me a lot. I asked him to work on giving me a little.. We see good things in one another, we enjoy being together, we have fun when we go out, we share very similiar interests. Relationship troubles ARE worth working out if both parties chose too.. I think he is willing, able and understanding.. He has told me he wants to get through this, he said he is able and understanding of what I need. I really learned more about myself because of this.. Touch and possitive words give me strength and reassurance without them I fall apart!! Self discovery .. is AWESOME..
alphamale Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 *he calls me everyday.. sometimes several times a day. what man in his right mind would do this? i have dated woman for a year or more and maybe call them twice per wk at the most. *he sees me on average 5-6 days a week why? does he not have his own life? *he pays for almost everything when were out. why? once you two become a couple the female should at least pay for some stuff... *he introduced me to his family and a few freinds within the first few weeks of dating. why? this is insane! i dated a woman for 4 yrs and she only met my father once, and that was 2 yrs into our relationship... He has been open with me and attentitive but for some goofy reason I was feeling very insecure and uneasy. you feel insecure and uneasy cause Charlie is totally desperate and needy and clingy to the max. you should dump him.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 why? this is insane! i dated a woman for 4 yrs and she only met my father once, and that was 2 yrs into our relationship... Most of us wouldn't be that happy with this.... Well done Pad, for working out your needs and articulating them. You'll go far
Author basscatcher Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 ALPHAMALE--You are just that--a AlphaMale!!! Your type of man isn't the close type with the opposite sex. You don't value the closeness with a partner like othes do. You, Charlie and I are all opposites also.. We each have our dominate needs in a relationship and he and I like the contact but we express ourselves differently about how we feel about our SO.. You like your space, you like your freedom and independance when in a relatioship. You are the lonewolf. The perfect match for you would be a woman just like you in the independance area of needing space in relationships.. Of course you would see Charlie the way you do because you and him are different and have different needs... BLIND_OTTER--Thank you dear.. I do feel much better. It helps for me to understand myself and learn what I need and don't need. I feel feelings on such a deep deep deep level it is scary sometimes. I can't change who I am. I believe God created me to feel deeply and care deeply for people and with that comes the curse of having that need given back in return. I feel better now that I understand what my feelings have been trying to tell me what was missing.
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Most of us wouldn't be that happy with this.... Feh! Yeah right. I've only had 1 of my ex's ever meet my parents. My exHUSBAND. One guy I was with almost a year. Never met my parents. I don't want anyone near my family unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't want just any old dirtbag around my nephew and nieces.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I don't want anyone near my family unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't want just any old dirtbag around my nephew and nieces. Yeah, but you live in "the Swamp"... are you a Munster?
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 BLIND_OTTER--Thank you dear.. I do feel much better. It helps for me to understand myself and learn what I need and don't need. I feel feelings on such a deep deep deep level it is scary sometimes. I can't change who I am. I believe God created me to feel deeply and care deeply for people and with that comes the curse of having that need given back in return. I feel better now that I understand what my feelings have been trying to tell me what was missing. I think your past, the way you were raised, made you accutely aware of your emotional landscape. Most people don't get this way because they don't experience the extent to the dark feelings that you have.
Author basscatcher Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Feh! Yeah right. I've only had 1 of my ex's ever meet my parents. My exHUSBAND. One guy I was with almost a year. Never met my parents. I don't want anyone near my family unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't want just any old dirtbag around my nephew and nieces. See I have such a close bond with my family even in all its dysfunction... I want my partner involved in my life fully. I need that family bond. the family closeness. Even with the dysfunction in my family we are a open expressive responsive open-armed group of people. We make all efforts to accept each person where they are. No one is perfect and we all try to help each other out even if its overboard.. We are a good hearted bunch in our own messes.. It is apparent that Charlie see's something in me or he wouldn't have moved as fast as he has with certain things. Hs XGF didn't meet his family (except kids) for a long time. Apparently I am family type material and he wasn't afraid of me meeting his brothers. (his parents are gone (passed away)), I have met his closest male friends. He has given me priveledges others haven't. Personal intimate proveledges. So that says something too. If a man didn't want to bring me close to his immediate family it would be red flags for me that I am not good enough to bring home.. I don't have what qualities he wants to spend the rest of his life with....
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Yeah, but you live in "the Swamp"... are you a Munster? No, and I'm too young to remember that show, doofus. Weren't they a cheap knockoff of the Adams family? Anyways, my parents are too scarey for most men. My Dad does stuff like taking out all his guns and rifles and cleaning them while interviewing the potential mate. Also my sisters have joked about setting up snipers in the backyard and having my boyfriends run an obstacle course while avoiding being shot in the head. It's just a crazy NRA Southern family.
Pyro Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 If a man didn't want to bring me close to his immediate family it would be red flags for me that I am not good enough to bring home.. I don't have what qualities he wants to spend the rest of his life with.... Agreed. I would take that as an insult if my S.O. did not want me to meet her family. Fortunately for me I am usually good with parents.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 No, and I'm too young to remember that show, doofus. Weren't they a cheap knockoff of the Adams family? Yup. But they seem to be re-run quite frequently here. And you did recognise the reference Anyways, my parents are too scarey for most men. My Dad does stuff like taking out all his guns and rifles and cleaning them while interviewing the potential mate. Also my sisters have joked about setting up snipers in the backyard and having my boyfriends run an obstacle course while avoiding being shot in the head. Thus explaining the bfs who *do* manage to date you... It's just a crazy NRA Southern family. No kidding!
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Whose to say it's something wrong with YOU? Some of us have something wrong with our families.
Pyro Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Whose to say it's something wrong with YOU? Some of us have something wrong with our families. Well then if that is the case, then you are correct.
Author basscatcher Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 No, and I'm too young to remember that show, doofus. Weren't they a cheap knockoff of the Adams family? Anyways, my parents are too scarey for most men. My Dad does stuff like taking out all his guns and rifles and cleaning them while interviewing the potential mate. Also my sisters have joked about setting up snipers in the backyard and having my boyfriends run an obstacle course while avoiding being shot in the head. It's just a crazy NRA Southern family. Awesome... Join the club.. :lmao: My dad loves his gun collection. He loves his hunting... He loves his mechanics and all the mans man stuff.. Charlie is right up there in all that. He is into all that same stuff.. I love it... I like a mans man type but I need to learn to live with it.. I grew up with it--a cold, distant, aloof, non-affectionate father who is always doing manly things. But a mother who was sensitive, hurting herself, my mom was a hugger, she would play with my hair and rub my back, my dad wouldn't get 2 feet close to me. my brother is very protective and he threatens to kill or kick any mans ass who hurts me. :lmao: so I don't have a normally friendly family but they are very friendly and open with people. You can't be a touchy whimp to be with my family because you need to be able to take criticism, a hug, someones opinion in your face and also a kind word..
alphamale Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 See I have such a close bond with my family even in all its dysfunction... I want my partner involved in my life fully. I need that family bond. the family closeness. Even with the dysfunction in my family we are a open expressive responsive open-armed group of people. see PADA i'm quite the opposite. I have an extremly close family unit (less my ma who died in '97) with my dad and my two younger brothers. We're very close and have almost the perfect family. Everyone is successful career-wise and life is good in that area.... I don't bring the women I f*** into that world cause I don't want them to f*** it up. The only woman I was with who was close with my family unit was my ex-wife.
Pyro Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 see PADA i'm quite the opposite. I have an extremly close family unit (less my ma who died in '97) with my dad and my two younger brothers. We're very close and have almost the perfect family. Everyone is successful career-wise and life is good in that area.... I don't bring the women I f*** into that world cause I don't want them to f*** it up. The only woman I was with who was close with my family unit was my ex-wife. PADA is referring to a S.O. that someone would care about, someone who you want to share your life with. If it is some worthless piece of garbage that you are only sleeping with and nothing more, then yes you shouldn't introduce them to your family. I mean, what is the point?
alphamale Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 If it is some worthless piece of garbage that you are only sleeping with and nothing more, then yes you shouldn't introduce them to your family. I mean, what is the point? For the record, RIDDLER....the women I hang with are not "worthless pieces of garbage". To me there is no point in getting them involved with my family unit unless there is a strong possiblity of marriage. And I really don't want to get married right now. Who knows what will happen in the future.
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 PADA is referring to a S.O. that someone would care about, someone who you want to share your life with. If it is some worthless piece of garbage that you are only sleeping with and nothing more, then yes you shouldn't introduce them to your family. I mean, what is the point? Saucer of milk, table two. Let's just accept that different people have different attitudes towards their families. Sensitive subject. To assume your SO is embarassed about you by not introducing you to the family is a mistake. I can joke about my family, but when it gets down to it I have a similar attitude to ALPHA's, and though I've had my share of "pieces of garbage" that I was only f***ing, the same held true with people I was in relationships with. Different strokes and all that.
Pyro Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 For the record, RIDDLER....the women I hang with are not "worthless pieces of garbage". To me there is no point in getting them involved with my family unit unless there is a strong possiblity of marriage. And I really don't want to get married right now. Who knows what will happen in the future. For the record ALFIE, it was a general statement not directed at anyone. I agree B.O., different strokes for different folks
Author basscatcher Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Not all the men I have been involved with have I wanted or did I introduce to my family. Only the men I was very interested in. I wanted my familys opinions of these men who were priveledged to met them. If I didn't find the man worthy of a long term relationship then they didn't get the introduction unless it was by accident we crossed paths with them then I introduced them casually. So if the man has little value to me then there is little value of him meeting my family.
ToughWeakGirl Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 He is a giver and doer I am a feeler and a talker. Opposites attract.. Funny that was one of the first things I knew I couldn't stand about my fiance....for us it never changed, I was always hungry for affection and now...well read my post
helena abadi Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Most of us wouldn't be that happy with this.... Well done Pad, for working out your needs and articulating them. You'll go far yes, good one. i read somewhere there are five languages of love. those who touch, and doing things for others, are two of them. we need to appreciate which ones our partners have, rather than demanding they have the same as ours. asking them to learn a little of our love languages, and learning a bit of theirs, is the art of compromise.
Becoming Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Congrats, Pada, on figuring out what you needed and asking for it. That's a huge thing for some of us. Yeah, you!
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