cen Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I suppose this question is for both men and women ... cause i'm at a loss and really need some outside advice. i apparently haven't got the knowledge! I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. she had just come out of a fairly short relationship and right into this one with me, i asked if she wanted some time before things developed with us - but she seemed comfortable with the pace we were moving at - i let her kind of initiate things to be sure. Shes now suddenly pulling away, saying she needs time to herself - i told her thats fine if she feels she needs it - so long as she has intentions of continuing things with us at some point, so i'm not stuck waiting for nothing. its going to be tough on me as it is. On top of this she says she doesnt know what she wants to happen right now with us - and felt rushed into everything. After talking again a few nights ago about everything it sort of came out that shes scared i'm gonna be really clingy/dependant on her (she had past relationships in which this was the case, and it of course drove her nuts) ... I feel like i've just been demonstrating to her that i care, but i can see how i appear to be coming on a bit strong. The thing is, i've never ever been the clingy/dependant type ... i care about my work, hobbies, friends a lot and never compromise those things - in fact its been an issue in my past relationships that i just didn't "give" enough. she needs time to think, and i do too - i really don't know what to expect ... but she suddenly got angry with me when i told her i had simply watched a movie we were gonna be watching together before everything got all out of place. So on the one hand she's telling me she doesnt know what she wants to happen, and on the other shes getting mad about something as small as a movie (implying she wanted us to still watch it) I know she obviously needs some time to think and step back a bit, and i really like this girl - we're honestly a great match when things are running smoothly ... but how am i supposed to act, what do i expect? what is going on with her??
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 All I can say is, back off and give her the space she needs. Try not to think the worst case senario here. Maybe the time apart will help her rid of any past feelings from her previous relationship. I know that isn't cool for you, to sit and wait..But if she is worth waiting for, then see what happens... At the time you two got together she was caught up in her feelings for you and now that afew months have passed on by, maybe she is realizing she DOES need that time alone, to gather her thoughts and just figure out what she wants. She's being very honest with you, so that is good.
Author cen Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 thank you. I really hope in time she'll come around, i need time for myself right now too because its making me realize how much i've already put into it and i dont want to be hurt here. She's also actually gonna be telling her ex (whom she's been trying to remain friends with, because they were friends before they were together too) that we have been seeing each other, and i dont think she expects it to go over all too well. so i'm sure thats stressing her out even more, peronsally i think it'll help her deal with stuff if maybe hes out of the picture for a bit as well. should i completely not be seeing her during this time? or if she says shes comfortable with getting together occasionally should i still keep my distance?
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 The thing is, they can't go back to being just friends...The feelings are too fresh and cen, that may be why she wants to slow down. Keeping him around as a friend could be confusing her as I'm sure she still has some feelings for him...Not saying she is 'being' with him, but emotionally they are attached still. Usually when friends become lovers/couple it is so hard to go back to being "just friends..." I would go full no contact. She needs enough time to sort out her feelings and hopefully the time apart she'll realize she misses you and wants the relationship to work. And .. why has she NOT told him you two were together??? That is a key sign right there.
SuperMonk Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 ^^^ I agree with whichwayisup's statements. Dude, she could either be self-sabotaging the relationship or doesn't really like you that much. In any case, break loose and free yourself from this drama which you do not need.
salmagundi Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 Listen, this is a textbook, cut and dried rebound situation you are in. Nothing ambiguous about it. She broke up with someone, she needed someone else and fast, she initiated it, she let it develop quickly, now she's afraid she's dragged you in too deep and is starting to look for the exit. All women (and men) do this sh*t where they get involved with someone to fill the hole the ex left. But its always about her and the ex, never about you and her. People on the rebound are always worried about the reboundee developing expectations. The rebounder always wants to rush into the relationship, but at the same time gets panicky if the reboundee starts getting to involved. They give you the 'I need you to not have too many expecatations' talk. Then they start sabotaging to get out. when she says she is worried you will become clingly and dependent, its actually that she is worried you will have normal relationship expectations of her. And she doesnt want a relationship that she cant control. So she will try to 'manage' your feelings for her, and if that doesnt workshe will bail. Which is what your 'gf' is already doing. You should let her. She is presently involved with herself, and her ex, in that order. Until she gets over her ex she cannot be involved with anyone else. On the other hand, if you do want this to continue, you should tell her that you care about her and would like to be with her, but that you cant until she gets herself figured out and figures out what she wants. Then give her space and let her come after you when and if she's ready. Never ever chase someone on the rebound, they will run fast and far... good luck salmagundi
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