punchy96 Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 When we started our relationship, it was wonderful. Everything was perfect. Now that we are getting closer to making the ultimate commitment (marriage) things are changing. My man already has two wonderful children. His children and I get along wonderfully. He has them with him most of the time. I know he loves children. He has been married and divorced two times. For me this is my first serious relationship. I know I want to marry him. I know that if I have kids, I want to have them with him. Things have changed now because he isn't sure if he wants anymore children. I'm not sure I want children either, but I'm not sure I don't. We have been talking about this a lot. This is what we have come up with. He is scared to make a commitment to have children and then have us split up and lose the ability to see his child all of the time. I am scared to say I can wait until he is ready because I don't want to run out of time to have children. I am scared to be alone and I know how hard it is to find someone you connect so completely with. He is scared that he is too old to have children (he is 38 next in March; I'm 27 now). He isn't sure he wants to be raising children until he is 60. He says that I am the one he would want to marry and have children with, that this is a problem with him, not me; that he doesn't want to lose me; but he doesn't want me to think that we will have children, only to marry and find out otherwise. He says he is 80% sure that he doesn't want to have children and I am 80% sure that I do want to have children. I do know that I am not ready now to have children, I am thinking a couple of years down the road. I am trying to get him to call someone for us to talk to. I have a list of counselors but he is insisting that he wants to call. I don't know what to do or say or how to reassure him or how to change his mind or how to make the choice to end the relationship. I know this is a decision that I must make but I want to hear what a neutral party has to say or advice they can give.
JadeStar Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I can see both sides here. He has been married twice and has kids, so part of him probably feels he is done with the whole children thing. Plus he is not wanting to be 60 years old and still have smaller kids etc. I see your side in the sense that you haven't had kids, you're probably ready to settle down and start a family etc. However, you can not change his mind to make him want to have kids with you. If he were to change his mind, it would have to be becasue he has throughly thought it through and decided whole heartdly that he really wants to have more kids. If you go and try to convince him, if he is not ready or doesn't want too, then if you do have kids there may be resentment on his part for feeling like he agreed with you out of obligation. Its really a pretty tough spot to be in. I think if he decides for sure he doesn't want kids and you do, then if you all get married, I think you will harbor resentment for him not wanting to have kids with you. I bet it can feel like a no win situation, and it is something that needs to be decided before you all get married. I have known people that did not want kids, then later on decided they did. I have also known people that did want kids and later on decided they didn't. Its really something that needs to be thought through on both parts. If you all still feel later on, that you do want kids and he doesn't, you might have to move on and find someone that shares your same views on the matter. Jade
Sassy Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 If you in fact want children in the future and he doesn't then maybe you should rethink this relationship and way the options. I have a friend that is married and her h wants kids but she doesn't and they married with him knowing it would never happened. Now he wants kids and she doesn't cause she thinks she has all she needs. This is a tough decision to make and having a child is the greatest gift on earth why settle for less than you deserve?You have to weigh your options with pros and cons and see where you go from there. If this is something you want in the future maybe you should tell him that you want kids one day and it will happen with or without him. Good luck
knowitwell Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I was married to a wonderful man too, who also had a child from a previous marriage that he never got to see because of manipulative and controlling ex He knew all along that I wanted children....I too, happen to think it is gift to be able to create another human being inside of you, it is a gift that all women are born with and should utilize...He knew how I felt, liked children and things were progressing towards the happily ever after ending.... Then he tells me one day that he doesnt think he wants children, not just now, but NEVER.......He said he was almost 90% sure that he wouldnt want them in the future.......or ever change his mind about it..... I ended up divorcing him. Not because of that issue in particular though the resentment did grow about that, even though we talked, fought and harped on about it, he wouldnt change his mind. Men who have been burned in the past by a woman have a difficult time readjusting in other relationships no matter how loving, supportive, wonderful the relationship is..... My ex said that he was scared to mess up again, with another child, he didnt think he could live with knowing that he repeated the same mistake twice if it came down to us separating.... I thought that he was dooming our future together before it ever had a chance to progress. He was a wonderful man, but with this subject, he really wouldnt budge Men who say they are 80% sure now are really 100% sure but they dont want to hurt your feelings..... HOWEVER......I will offer you a little kernel of information that I gleaned from mine: It may be underhanded, but if it ever comes down to it and you decide you are ready to have children and you broach the subject with him and he is still 80% sure...... TELL HIM YOU DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED....AT ALL....THAT YOU ARE 80% SURE YOU DONT.... REMEMBER that love conquers all.....its sneaky but if there is ANY chance that you want children in the future, there will come a day that you cannot sacrifice this opportunity.
Outcast Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I would get myself tested for fertility if I were you. It's all well and fine to insist you want children and dump someone who doesn't but it would be real tragic if you couldn't have them anyway. So before you insist on this, be sure you even can.
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 He says he is 80% sure that he doesn't want to have children and I am 80% sure that I do want to have children. You two really need to talk about this NOW. It is a deal breaker unfortunately, no matter how much you love him. OC has made an excellent point too. You don't want to be 5 years down the road and then feel the urge to have kids, and he doesn't want them at all. If he is open slightly to the idea, then it could happen, but don't rely on him changing his mind. Good luck and I really hope you two sort this out.
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