RetroMan Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 There's a girl who I work with who I feel like I'm getting what I can only describe as a 'vibe' from, and wanted to know how many people think that's a reliable thing to go on, or whether I'm just imagining it? For example, when we (the staff) are all sitting round chatting (and we do alot of that at my job...more like a social club than a job) I'll often find our eyes meeting, or feel her eyes on me when I'm not looking. It's not just a case of me gawping and then finding her turning round and looking at me as if to say "what are you looking at??!". It's kind of half and half. Sometimes she's the first to look and sometimes it's me. I've also noticed the "eyes looking down" thing after I catch her, that I've heard mentioned before from 'experts'. We don't really talk that much to be honest. I'm not the most extrovert person in the world and I have to say I keep myself to myself a little bit. We have chatted for a while at staff parties and stuff. I remember at a recent event I needed to pop out to get some more cash and she offered to come with me to give me some company which I took as just friendliness at the time...plus, later that night (once I was quite drunk), I was teasing another girl asking about who she fancied but she wouldn't say. Shortly afterwards, the other girl (the one I've been talking about...still with me? ) said "oh, it's probably you, you know. *slight pause* I fancy you.". ...but can you believe it? I just sort of laughed a little as if she was just joking and then carried on chatting about something else! It could quite easily have just been a joke, playing on the idea that I was probably just digging for compliments from this other girl...but looking back it seems a funny thing to say and not mean it. I wouldn't say that to someone in jest myself. But, drunk as I was, I thought NOTHING of it and carried on chatting about whatever rubbish I had chosen as my subject at that late hour. I've fancied girls before but never felt anything back really but other girls, like this one, I both fancy and feel like there could be something. The last girl I got that feeling from ended up as my girlfriend for the best part of a year. Anyway...sorry, gone off on a tangent a bit. My main question is that when you feel that immeasurable little factor...something perhaps you can't even describe, that suggests to you that something might be there, is it normally a good idea to trust your gut instinct?
gfto Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I think when a guy is in that "I really like her; I wonder if she feels the same way" mode, his gut instinct tends not to be very accurate. Anyway, I don't think your gut feeling is particularly relevant here. You simply have to ask her for her phone number, (or if you already have it, call her and ask her out). Her answer will tell you whether she's interested. That being said, I would never ask out a woman from work. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I simply choose not to. I was once interested in a woman at work, but I decided to let it go, because it just has too much potential for awkwardness. There are so many girls out there, you can always find a good one outside work.
Author RetroMan Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Yeah. It's a matter of confusing actual 'signals' with just believing what you want to believe. I've never been that great with that to be honest...but then again, I've never really found out! I'm not that great with asking girls out...my last girlfriend (my first and last to date) just sort of happened. I've never really properly asked a girl out. I'm quite shy and like to be sure before I try anything which, well, never happens to be honest. I can never be sure and that's what stops me and I don't think anyone can. No problems with dating at work here by the way. My job, it's practically encouraged. It's very casual work and relationships are commonplace...in fact you're in the minority if you haven't done something with at least someone during your stay. Original question still stands btw. Thoughts, opinions, experiences...?
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I'm a women here, and I can say everytime my instincts were right. You know it, you feel it and the gut screams it. So, listen to your gut on this one. I think there is some connection between you and maybe she is just shy to act upon it. I think you should just ask her out! Go for it!!
yngv Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Gut instincts can only be measured by previous success. If it's worked before (even in non-dating situations), trust it. But honestly, best bet here is to ask her out. Your reason for not??? FEAR OF REJECTION of course. Very natural. But honestly, you need to take chances or you'll never experience anything. If one woman turns you down, it's not a statement that all women reject you. Rejection is one of those things that's good to get used to because as it becomes easier to accept, you become more confident in your approach, and thus reduce your chances of being turned down. Even players get turned down, they just brush it off and move on to the next woman quickly. But it sure sounds like she's worth the risk to me!
blue16 Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 My gut is not that great at these kind of things. I swear half the time I have that 'gut feeling' a girl is interested she isn't. Then a lot of other times I don't have much of a vibe or feeling and it turns out she was interested. Beats me. But then again, like another poster said - it's all about past experience. If your instincts have worked in the past, then keep usin it but if not...I don't know what to suggest.
ehead Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 You may be sort of like me, always assuming your gut is wrong when in fact it is right. Some guys have overconfidence, some guys have underconfidence. If she keeps giving you the eye, it's quite possible she likes you. I can't tell you the number of times I've had that instinct, but ultimately decided I was imagining it, only to talk to the girl a few months later at a party or something and realize she had been terribly hot for me all along. I'm so dense when it comes to these things, you would practically have to walk to me and squeeze me on the ass to convince me you had an interest in me. Regardless, I agree with the other poster that in a way it doesn't even matter. You just have to take a chance man. Relationships are all about taking chances. Try and have fun with it. Don't worry so much. It will be an interesting experiment in human pychology. Smile and ask for her number. If she isn't into you, it's not like she is going to be bummed that you had an interest in her. On the contrary, she will be flattered.
IWalkAlone Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 That being said, I would never ask out a woman from work. I'm not saying you shouldn't. I simply choose not to. I was once interested in a woman at work, but I decided to let it go, because it just has too much potential for awkwardness. There are so many girls out there, you can always find a good one outside work. I find just the opposite. Trying to meet a good woman outside of one's social network (whether at work or among non-work friends) is difficult. When meeting a woman in a coffee place, the supermarket, or a bar, you have only a few minutes to generate enough interest & trust to get a phone number, without coming off as too aggressive or threatening. You also run the risk of being told "I have a boyfriend." It can be done, but it's not easy. On the other hand, at work you have a chance to get to know someone without that kind of pressure, and evaluate if the person really has a compatible personality and likes you before asking them out. Yes, it can turn out awkward if one of the parties lacks maturity, but that is one of the risks one faces.
Author RetroMan Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Hey Ehead...you sound exactly like me. I wouldn't like to contemplate the opportunities that I may have missed in the past. I got lucky with my last girlfriend...she grabbed me and kissed me when we went to a club and I didn't even have to try. I guess she's probably in the minority though cos, from what I hear, most girls don't make the first major move and instead just give green lights to whoever's interested so they can make the first move themselves. I could wait until I find another girl that is confident enough to take that kind of initiative but that would be lazy, and I could be waiting a lifetime.
ehead Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Yes, believe me, you could be waiting a lifetime. The vast majority of girls simply won't make the first move, regardless of how interested they are in you. I think primarily it's just a cultural thing. For better or for worse, the implicit "rules" of the game are a woman can flirt, but not go further than that. Unless you are Johnny Depp of course. I think I've been asked out maybe 3 times in the last 5 years. Then again, I don't get out much, and am a bit of an introvert. Just go for it man ! Don't take it so seriously ... it's all good. Worst thing that could happen is she says no, and now knows you think she is pretty cool. That could add an extra little dynamic to work which might be kind of fun anyway. Life is so much more fun if you're engaged in it, shaking it up every now and then, trying things out, taking chances, living it !
Author RetroMan Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 I think I've been asked out maybe 3 times in the last 5 years. Then again, I don't get out much, and am a bit of an introvert. Just go for it man ! Don't take it so seriously ... it's all good. Worst thing that could happen is she says no, and now knows you think she is pretty cool. That could add an extra little dynamic to work which might be kind of fun anyway. Life is so much more fun if you're engaged in it, shaking it up every now and then, trying things out, taking chances, living it ! Good advice. I'm a little bored right now so the 'shaking it up' thing sounds like fun. The key factor is that I fancy this girl and think she's quite nice to talk to, but I'm not head-over-heels which I think is in my favour. I like her but I'm certainly not at the stage where I feel like my whole life is leading up to the moment I ask her out. At the age of 22 I guess it's time I got more practise at standing on my own two feet. I always promised myself that if I broke up with my ex, which obviously I have, I would spend a bit of time 'playing the field' and having some fun. Even if she has a boyfriend (I remember hearing some 'long-distance' thing mentioned a while back but I never ever hear about it from her) all it can do is generate some kind of fun 'undercurrant' when we're together and maybe she'll bear me in mind for the future...? Yep. I'll do that I think. Ta.
Author RetroMan Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 Well, I saw her again today, for the first time in a while, and all it has done is confirmed my thoughts already. STILL always looking at me...it can be no coincidence. It happened a few times, but one notable time was when I caught her eye, both looked away and then just one second later I looked back and she was looking at me again. That time she looked down and smiled and I smiled too and walked off. Then later I tested her by saying that I was popping outside for a cigarette and whether anyone wanted to keep me company, to which she got up and said she would come. She doesn't even smoke. Unfortunately when we got there, there were lots of people around and so we weren't alone, otherwise I would have made a move or at least dropped a huge hint! Annoying. Another aspect I need to consider though is a friend of mine there who has slept with her...well, correction, he cheated on his current girlfriend with her. He's one of these guys that can't help himself and wants to keep every girl on a string. It was just a one night thing, but he still incessantly flirts with her and tries to keep her hanging on as a 'backup plan' or something. She obviously was attracted enough to sleep with him, but surely she would rather go with someone free and single (and better looking ) like me than someone who already has a girlfriend?
monkey00 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Well, I saw her again today, for the first time in a while, and all it has done is confirmed my thoughts already. STILL always looking at me...it can be no coincidence. It happened a few times, but one notable time was when I caught her eye, both looked away and then just one second later I looked back and she was looking at me again. That time she looked down and smiled and I smiled too and walked off. Then later I tested her by saying that I was popping outside for a cigarette and whether anyone wanted to keep me company, to which she got up and said she would come. She doesn't even smoke. Unfortunately when we got there, there were lots of people around and so we weren't alone, otherwise I would have made a move or at least dropped a huge hint! Annoying. Another aspect I need to consider though is a friend of mine there who has slept with her...well, correction, he cheated on his current girlfriend with her. He's one of these guys that can't help himself and wants to keep every girl on a string. It was just a one night thing, but he still incessantly flirts with her and tries to keep her hanging on as a 'backup plan' or something. She obviously was attracted enough to sleep with him, but surely she would rather go with someone free and single (and better looking ) like me than someone who already has a girlfriend? Sounds like you guys got good chemistry going on. But generally i make it a rule not to date someone you work with, it makes things awkward. Women are tricky creatures, they like attention. When it comes down to business (even with all the flirting and chemistry going on) and you ask her out, things may not go as planned. There are too many factors at large... However you should decide what to do, im just giving my input. Ask her out and see what happens, however dont think for a second that there wont be consequences. and to answer your question, often its best to trust your gut in most situations.
Guest Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 Sounds like you guys got good chemistry going on. But generally i make it a rule not to date someone you work with, it makes things awkward. It isn't a huge problem. Where I work, relationships of many types are commonplace...dare I say encouraged(!). It's only an evening job, each shift lasts about 3 and a half hours, and we won't necessarily be working in the same area. Plus she only works two out my seven shifts per week. I'm looking for an inbetweener right now really, so I wouldn't like to get into a deep relationship anyway. If it turned out like that then I'll cross that bridge later. Right now I just want to see if I can have fun with her. Do you think my friend (who also works there) is an issue? It almost feels like I'd be walking in on his territory if I was to move in, but he's got a girlfriend already!! Leave some for the rest of us! I think she's always had time for me anyway but, when her and my friend slept together, I wasn't single so I wasn't an option for her. I know he wasn't either, but he convinced this girl that he and his girlfriend were "on a break". Hmm. I'm tempted to let him just deal with it if I want to ask her out. He may be surprised but he's been with no less than about 8 or 9 girls in his time and I've had...hmm, one. Think it's time I took a stand. Agree?
amerikajin Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 It isn't a huge problem. Where I work, relationships of many types are commonplace...dare I say encouraged(!). I work in a similar setting but even so, it's always a little awkward when you date someone at work. You have to see each other all the time, and if things don't go as planned, it can feel uncomfortable. Do you think my friend (who also works there) is an issue? It almost feels like I'd be walking in on his territory if I was to move in, but he's got a girlfriend already!! No, it's not an issue. If it is then he's a self-centered wanker, which isn't much of a friend to you anyway.
monkey00 Posted March 2, 2006 Posted March 2, 2006 im just going to add to what Amerikajin said... and i do agree with him. Well if i were in your shoes i would just be friends with the woman. Never burn bridges with women, even if they are unavailable. Don't forget they have many female friends who they can readily introduce you to. Do what you will, just dont forget karma always finds a way back...
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