OzGirl Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Having been the OW for 3years until the W found out 6 months ago, and most of those being very much in contact, I now realise why my MM has done what he's done, why I have done what I've done, and maybe - why the W took him back. I posted something similar in another forum, and just want to share my thoughts with those who I identify with the most - the OW. Self esteem. I made him feel good about himself, and he did the same to me and that's what I've been missing. How he made me feel. Sounds simple, but recognising this is one thing. Doing something about it is an entirely other thing. It starts with me. I have to design, in my head and my heart, the truth about what makes me feel good about yourself. None of this process is easy. It's not saying it's a certain person. It's my own actions. It is, for example, not saying a married man is better than none. It's saying that none is better than a compromise. There is no reason, despite what's happened, for me (or him, or his wife, for that matter) to llower my self-esteem even more and say I deserve this pain. Sure, I have to acknowledge and deal with it. But, there's no point in excusing it by manifesting it. It's because it was low that I got in this mess. The way to clean it up is to not lower it again. That includes, thinking about, talking to, or entertaining in any fashion my ex MM. This is a realisation I've had in the last 24 hours, and I know it reads like I'm no mental giant, that's for sure. It starts with me and will affect everyone in my life if I change my expectations for myself to be higher than they've been most of my life. I expect opposition from those close to me, even if they think their intentions are good - they will notice an adjustment in me, and mightn't like it because they are "comfortable" the way I am. I just have to be wise that is about them, not me. I know now that on a scale of difficulty, what's ahead of me now is going to require even more emotional resources than I've depleted already. But, if the result is something real, natural, good and true, then it's better than any situation I've ever been in before. That includes being even better than the good times I had, and the way I felt at the time, with the MM I was seeing. I'm only limited by my own commitment to that. It takes the power of me feeling good about myself out of the hands of anyone else, and gives that control back to me. If I'm alone, then fine. At this stage, that sounds like a perfect place to be for a while.
curly Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Thank you for sharing your thoughts, OzGirl. I am going to print this and reread it many times a day. You've completely verbalized what I've been thinking for myself. My xMM found me at a very low point in my life. While I don't think he's so evil that he saw the vulnerability and exploited it purposely, he did continue to be with me. I think he really thought he loved me and would be with me. But when push came to shove... he became too scared to step out of his box. This story for me is over. He has hurt me too much to entertain any thoughts of being with him again. Unfortunately for him, the story is not over. I'm not sure if he went back to his W (he had moved to a friend's house) but my instincts tell me that he's probably back with her. But their story is not my problem anymore. Yes, the curiousity gets to me, sometimes overwhelms me, but then I keep remembering the quote - "Curiousity killed the cat." I just want my pain and misery to end. And any contact with him, whether he knows it or not, makes me feel terrible in the end. Anyway, sorry to highjack... just venting. Good luck and good inner strength to you Oz. Thanks again.
My_Other_I Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 Good for you, OzGirl. It's good to see you back on track. Yes, being along is good. I am going away for a couple of month, but I will keep you in my thoughts! When I come back I hope we can compare our thoughts again. I also hope that we will be five steps forward and 0 steps back Be strong!
newbby Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 this is a great post ozgirl. exactly! beating yourself up for the affair, only continues the cycle of self destructiveness. break it. free yourself. dont carry it with you, its gone. dust.
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