This is all my fault, but wonder if there is a way to fix it.

[italyguy]

Ok.. this might be a little long but please bear with me.

 

I live in Pa, She lives in Illinois

7 years ago I met this girl on a chat room. She was 13. She was reaching out for help cause she had an eating disorder. So I felt bad and I started talking to her. I was 24 at the time. NOTHING perverted or anything. Well I helped her through alot of things and was a best friend to her. Via chatting, emailing, phone. Over the 7 years I never gave her any real information about me. She knew my name, but nothing about my family or my real age. She thought I was only a few years older then her. We really cared for each other. In any case, the past year or so we have been getting really close and falling in love. She is now 21 and in college. She kept asking me to come out to visit her, but I always declined. I never expected to meet her ever. Well I sent her flowers for her birthday in september. She got my address off them, and flew out to my house by surprise. We hit it off pretty well.

 

I was in a position that I couldnt tell her everything that was true cause people could take it all wrong and think bad about me. Well every weekend I flew there and stayed. I met her family, they liked me alot. I went there for Christmas. I flew her to atlantic city for new years. I proposed to her, she accepted. He parents were fine with it. I did a ton of computer work for her dad in his office for free just to help him out. The weekend before valentines day I took her to the poconos on a romantic vacation. She came home sunday night. Everything was beautiful. I planned on sitting her down the following weekend and telling her the things she didn't know and my real age and hope she would be mad but understand cause she fell in love for who I am.

 

Well while we were at the poconos, her dad had a private investigator check on me in my home town. I had no idea. So they knew my age and that I was married and divorced before, etc.

 

They waited till valentines day to break it to her. Then all hell broke loose and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.

 

I was still talking to her dad every other day since... but haven't heard from her up until yesterday. She calls me yesterday and we talked for 1.5 hours. She cried, she was totally ok, then cried, then totally ok.. but she said she will never be with me again and that she wanted to cut all ties, even as friends, no phone calls, no emails, no text messages. I said I was sorry and that I loved her and said ok.

 

I didn't contact her or anyone else. She sends me a text message this morning saying "hey one last request, can you send me the pictures from the poconos, thanks"

 

Well I didn't reply or send anything. I can see them being mad to a degree. Her family loves drama and they are blowing this wayyyyy out of proportion. Like her dad had his computers checked at work to make sure I didn't put bugs in them, etc. Totally crazy stuff. Saying awful things about me.. etc..

 

I loved her more then anything. She kept telling me that she loved me more then anything and I was the best guy she ever had in her life.

 

I tried everything to make things work. I mean nobody is perfect, and she has so many skeletons in her closet that I never judged her about. She has had 4 steady BF's that aren't with her anymore, and about 16 one night stands. I didn't judge her bad or anything. I even caught her breaking into her ex boyfriends email from over a year ago checking up on him, and I confronted her and she lied and said she stopped but then I caught her again.

 

I am so hurt. I want to call her, but I know it won't do any good.

[clandestinidad]

Oh what a sad situation. I really feel for you and what youre going through.

 

I can understand why she would be upset in some ways. She must have assumed a LOT about you, since you never told her anything and she obviously had different thoughts about you and your past...hence her hurt and confusion.

 

I have to say, I'm finding it very odd that the 2 of you never discussed such simple facts about yourself in 7 years. I guess at some point she made those assumptions and moved on, but its hard to believe. Can you explain more about why/how you never told her anything about yourself??

[italyguy]

To be completely honest, over the 7 years I made stuff up. Like I changed people's names or said my parents worked different jobs, etc.

 

I really didn't want to reveal to much cause it was an internet friendship that I never thought I would meet her and fall in love.

 

I did lie about alot of things. But it was only cause I never expected it all to come down to meeting.

 

I wanted to tell her the whole truth, but I was scared. Her family is so judgemental and it made it even more frightening.

 

I don't know what to do.... I love her and miss her.

 

We have been a big part of each other's lives for like 8 years now.

 

I haven't tried to contact her at all. But she seemed very serious when she said she didn't want me any more.

 

I dunno what to do or what will happen..... I am so deeply hurt.

[clandestinidad]

Wow......

 

8 years is quite a long time to lie to someone. I'm sure she feels extremely betrayed and manipulated. Not only because you lied, but because while you were lying she was totally honest with you about her life for so long. I dont think I could recover from that either.

 

This is so sad. You obviously know you were wrong for doing that, and love this girl. Its very good of you to not call her or make any contact. Let her have some time to deal with this blow and sort out her thoughts. She might contact you, but dont contact her first.

 

In the meantime, are you thinking about what you could have/should have done differently? What are you doing to keep yourself busy?

[italyguy]

I painted a better picture of my family life to her for years... I lied about a lot. I really did. I really honestly never thought I would ever meet her.

 

Once I met her, I slowly started telling her things but she would get so upset... and her family, especially her one sister is horribly judgemental.

 

I had low self esteem for years. When I was a kid my dad verbally, physically and emotionally abused me. When I was around her family they loved me and really liked me.. I didn't want to spoil it all... I was scared.

 

Oddly enough, out of nowhere, her dad emailed me tonight and asked if I want to go fishing with him in the spring. I didnt reply, cause I don't know why he would want that. I know they don't want me with their daughter now, and she doesn't want me.

 

Even with my childhood and low self esteem, I have a bachelors degree and have done very well for myself. I don't do drugs and Im not an alchoholic.

 

I was hoping she would forgive me and be with me. We were engaged and talked about babies, house, everything. Was in the middle of arranging moving out to her area.

 

I am lost, lonely and feel empty.

 

I haven't responded to her text message asking for pictures of our valentines day getaway... and I havent responded to her dad.

 

Don't know if I should or just not contact any of them. I don't know if he is being nice, or trying to keep tabs on where I am. Its like they think I am going to be a bad person to them for some reason now, which hurts the worst.

[Mary3]

You do understand serial child predators have masqueraded themselves as being 13 years old and then meeting up with the children on the internet and hurting them. ?

 

I say this because in the minds of the Parents and the Private Investigator you were selling her a boatload of LIES....for your own purpose of you being 24 talking to a 13 year old and for what purposes ?

 

You might not like this but this is what a pedophile does.

 

You said you never intended to meet her but the last part of your letter suggests you were both engaged. She is 21 now and likely thought she was engaged to a 21 year old man. But you are in fact now in your early 3o's correct ?

 

When I first read your letter it sounded so sad and forlorn but as I read through it I realized you could be dangerous to yourself and to on-line kids. That means for 7 years you manipulated a 13 year old child into believing ALOT of things about you ?

 

You were lonely and had been abused . But what else were you doing in those 7 years . ? Do you see how unhealthy this whole thing was ?

 

It was nice of you to do nice things but you did those nice things with a little girl . She was not in full faculties and could have easily been manipulated into doing something that could have gone very wrong.

[s0meone_here]

hi italy guy...

read your stroy, it sounds 80% like my case,it just that i didnt have 16 one night stand and all the skeleton kind of things. My ex , 8 yrs older than me ,also lied to me abt his status as a divorce after we have been so close and nearly got married.just few months before our marriage.

 

So i know exactly how she felt. She is confuse and hurt , because u lied to me. and u purposely lied to her all this long. I could accept my ex status as a divorcee and i know that people made mistake.So i said to my self that i would accept it.the hurt is more into the fact he lied to me purposely to make me difficult to get rid of him. It is not abt divorce thing. I am ok abt divorcee.

But it is very difficult to trust him once again. I was trying so hard to trust him again and in the end, he just dropped the relationship that easy. And even he blamed me for all the lies he told and said that i made his life unhappy.

 

just bear in mind.... THE VERY BASIC THING IN RELATIONSHIP IS HONESTY.

 

sorry to say... but once the mirror is broken , the picture never be the same.

I dont judge all people who ever got divorce. I am fine with that. bUT u have to be true and honest abt it to your partner if your really serious.sorry if it sounds harsh.

[italyguy]

Mary,

 

I can see what you are saying. BUT. I am not what you said. If I was any kind of predator, something bad would of happened in the last 7 years, and nothing did.

 

In fact, when she was younger and through the years, I talked to her mother on the phone several times cause I was worried about her. I informed her parents of her eating disorder and how she had a pan under her bed she was throwing up in, I informed them of when she was starting to have sex at 14, so they could talk to her..

 

I didn't portray myself as anything to get anything.

 

When I met her, she thought I was 25. And Yes I am 32. In any case, I don't think age should be an issue, cause when she was 17, she was having sex with her manager that was 25, and he was engaged and she knew it. I always gave her good advice and I was always there for her.

 

She always told me that she didn't know how she would of made it through all these years without me. I felt good cause I was there for her.

 

She would call me crying, upset, or depressed and I would talk with her and make her feel better. Over the past months, her family got to know me personally and they thought I was a great guy.

 

Her dad just emailed me last night asking me If I want to go fishing with him this spring!!!! I didn't reply cause I am confused.

His daughter just told me the day before that its completely over and never to contact her or her family again, then the next morning she text messages me asking for the pictures from our trip, and then her dad asks me to go fishing?

 

I love this girl more then anything in the world. It hurts cause I know the way she is and how she reacts. When her last boyfriend and her had a fight and they broke up, she went out the next night and had sex with her friends boyfriends, best friend. They got back together the next day and she never told him. And she has done stuff like that in the past.

 

So, in my mind, for the past couple of weeks, I am sure things have probably happened that would break my heart.

 

I love her and I tried everything to apologize, I came completely clean with all their questions and she still said no.

 

Should I email her dad back about his offer of fishing?

 

Should I even respond to her text message?

 

I would love to have a way to make this work, but I don't know how.

[italyguy]

What else was I doing in those 7 years...

 

At the time when I was talking to her I divorced my wife. I was going through hard times. Other then that, I was working as usual, volunteering alot of my time to the community and being the great guy that I am.

 

It is a shame that nobody can think that there is a chance that someone is really out to do good. Some people just jump on the band wagon and altomatically think, He is a bad person.

 

She needed someone to talk to. I was there for her. Plain, simple, and good intentions.

 

You wonder why I would not give or reveal any real information? Because of exactly how you reacted. Funny, the private investigator even told them that its obvious it was nothing but innocent intentions cause nothing BAD, immorral and wrong ever happened or was implied.

[italyguy]

Should I email her dad back about his offer of fishing?

 

Should I even respond to her text message?

[riobikini]

You already have strong indications of what you need to do about this, -from everyone from the girl's dad to the authorities who have been involved: LEAVE IT THE FVK ALONE!!

 

Leave her alone, leave it all alone.

 

Now that she has reached the legal age of 21 doesn't mean that you haven't, still, imparted influence in shaping how she feels towards you over all these years., BECAUSE YOU HAVE, AND YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!!!

 

You have had plenty time to work on her mentally into being dependant on you in some way.

 

You are part of her problem, now....and she needs professional help to cleanse you from her system.

 

If you were looking for assistance or advice in how to get around everyone in keeping this girl connected to you, you will not get it from me, -she needs absolute protection from you.

 

You need help badly, but it's not the kind LS people can give you.

 

-Rio

[Ariadne]

Hi you,

 

Sorry about this mess. Seems like things were going well with her.

 

Well, if she loves you she is going to forgive you. You've been talking to her for seven years, so the few days that have passed after Valentine's day is a short stretch of time in comparison.

 

So, hang in there and see what happens. Most likely you are going to talk to her again.

 

It's a good thing that her father checked you. If you have done nothing wrong (crimes, etc) there's no reason why he'd be afraid. So in a way he feels safer, ok, you are older than you said you were. Women do that sometimes too.

 

Oddly enough, out of nowhere, her dad emailed me tonight and asked if I want to go fishing with him in the spring. I didnt reply, cause I don't know why he would want that. I know they don't want me with their daughter now, and she doesn't want me.

 

Who knows. Just go with your heart. If it were me I'd say yes. Sounds like he is trying to get close to you.

 

I'd be more concerned for you about this girl being with so many guys really. She might end up getting bored of you and cheating. She is still young and marriage is a big comittment. You've been divorced already so I'd be careful.

 

Good luck italianguy,

 

Ariadne

[italyguy]

Lets back up a minute.

 

I didn't have any bad influence at all. HER parents PAID to fly her to my home to surprise me. I HAD NOOOO IDEA she was coming or that I would ever meet her. Her mom kept calling me that day to make sure I was home.

 

Her father found nothing bad about me cause there is nothing bad. They just learned some things I lied about, like my age, etc.

 

geesh

[italyguy]

Adriane...

 

SHould I just say yes to her dad and then that is it? I am still hoping there is some way to repair things between me and his daughter.

 

I know I can't contact her... I wonder if total no contact from me will have her call me.... or I think maybe she is with someone new already...

 

I dunno what to do..

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

SHould I just say yes to her dad and then that is it?

 

Yes, that's it. If that's what you want to do.

 

And with her, do what you did for the past seven years.

 

Ariadne

[italyguy]

Adriane,

 

What do you mean as with her, do what I did for the past 7 years?

 

What do ya mean?

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

You said that you've been talking to her for seven years...

 

I'm sure that during those seven years you've stopped talking at some point or another, because you argued, because of different reasons.

 

Somehow you got back to talking again.

 

Get back to talking again like you did before. However that was.

 

Ariadne

[italyguy]

Do you think she will ever want to be with me again?

[Ariadne]

If she loves you...

 

Without a dubt

 

Ariadne

[italyguy]

Its weird,

 

Obviously her dad must know that she told me she doesn't want anything to do with me. I know her family has a lot to do with that decision.

 

I just don't know how to take his email. The next day after she tells me its over and wants me to cut all ties with her and her family.

 

Then her dad emails me the next day and asks if I want to go fishing a couple days in the spring?

 

I still didn't reply. Half of me wants to and say yes, that would be great. Then the other half of me thinks maybe they are just trying to keep tabs on me. I dunno.

 

I dunno if it would help things if I did reply back and say yes, and ask if there is a way we could all sit down and talk, or if that would just make things worse. Every email that her dad and I ever exchanged, he forwarded to everyone else in the family. I didn't know he was doing that but I found that out recently.

 

ughhh... confused... should I or shouldn't I?

[italyguy]

Adriane,

 

You think its cool to email him back and say yes to go fishing in the spring.

 

Leave it at that?

 

Or should I ask if there is a way to fix everything? Or is that a bad idea?

 

Thanks

[ICE MOUNTAIN]

this thread really caught my attention. I just want to ask you italianguy , how u feel now? My best fren , she also had the same problem. Being together with a guy who has been lying so much abt his life. The story is not perfectly the same , with a twist here and there. but roughly it sounds the same.they were engaged n they had planned manythings, where to live, marriage, kids and a lot of stuffs. And then one day she found the truth accidentally, from his computer.

 

so if you want to know how people will feel or react when they found their partner lied a lot to them.. i can tell you from what i see in my friend.

she never contacted her ex fiance again. The relationship was ended badly and she was so hurt that time. she cried a lot and was so down.

 

She said that she missed her ex badly but up to now she never made a call or something. the weird thing was her ex seemed didnt do anything to fix the things up.

 

Did she love her ex ? yes , she loved him so much . but the guy changed a lot after she found the fact abt him.

she accepted his past but things were not going well either. he said he was not happy with her.(frankly, i dont know why he said so) until now, my fren she told me, that she often thik of her ex and she still remain single n she wonder whether her ex will come to her again. it is very sad.

 

so, after u hear this , from a girl point of view.. and what she may feel . becoz your ex may think and feel the same way. i am sure she still loves you.

but she is too confuse and hurt .

things that i want to ask you, what do u feel ? what would you do if she never contac you again ? what do you plan to do?

[italyguy]

The other night her mom and dad called me. We talked on the phone for about 3 hours. They told me that they both really do like me, just didn't understand things. I told them the whole truth and what my intentions were. They said that they know their daughter loves me, that she is just hurt and that they would support her in any way whatever she decides.

 

Her mom and dad said that even if things don't work out, that they want to stay in touch and remain friends. Her dad really does want me to go fishing with him in the spring.

 

She called me last night, she was at marty grah, and she was drunk, upset and needed help. She said that she lost her friends and lost her debit card and had no way home. She begged me not to tell her parents and if I would help her. Her phone went dead. I was able to talk to her once more and only got a bit of information out of her where she was. So I had to use the internet and call about 25 places until I found where she was. None of the taxi companies were available due to the city being overwhelmed with crowds. I called a limo company. I had a limo go and pick her up and take her home safely.

 

She called me this morning. She told me that she does love me, but doesn't want to be with me right now and wants the next year and a half on her own till she finishes college, and then if things are meant to be they will happen. I told her that is a long time, and is this a nice way of saying you dont want me anymore. She said no, that if I want I can move on with my life if I can't except that. I said to her, what do you want.. and she said, you know what I want, and I said, you want to be with me? She said from the bottom of her heart, yes. But she is not ready for that and wont be for a while.

 

So, she told me she loved me, and we got off the phone. At this point I am not sure what will happen, but I have no alternative but to see if its meant to be. There is nothing else I can do.

[alphamale]

i would advise you to stay away from this woman.

[riobikini]

Thank God, you supported me on this one, Alpha!

 

I didn't think anyone else saw what I saw with this enough to answer in the negative...or even had enough salt to.

 

TY,

-Rio