filarena Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 I absolutely love my gf. I do not doubt she loves me. She can't stand the idea of me being mad at her b/c she couldn't stand to lose me. And yet, there are a lot of little things about our relationship that bother me. I will freely admit some of what bothers me is minor. And if she tried telling me that there's no reason those things should bother me, I might even agree. But she'll a) get mad at me and make me feel like dirt for caring then b) ten minutes later apologize and promise she'll stop doing it and even tell me I'm being stupid if I dare apologize for caring about such little things after she made me feel like dirt for doing so. I don't know what to do. I haven't been happy for weeks. And everything that bothers me, we've talked about. But talking doesn't seem to get us anywhere except fighting (even if shortlived), then if I'm lucky, followed by empty promises that things will change (which I guess in a few cases there's been improvement, but not often). I feel really petty and immature for being so upset over things like she doesn't make time for me and we always do what she wants when it's not like she's cheating on me or anything serious, and I do know she loves me... But don't I have the right to believe there's actually a point in telling her when I'm not satisfied with something in the relationship, even if it is minor?
Tru-Wild Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 hrm...well i feel for ya, in my opinion if you both love each other, stick with it, people need to make sacrifices and comprimises. I TOTALLY COMMEND YOU FOR COMMUNICATING, good for you! its one of the most important steps and one of the most difficult. if there has been improvements a few times, then slowly you are getting somewhere, i implore you to please keep working at it. "I absolutely love my gf. I do not doubt she loves me." "I haven't been happy for weeks." ???Huh??? Isn't this kinduva contradiction? if you really love her you should be happy if your with her. I hope what you mean is that your just frustrated. i cannot emphasize enough how much it is important to keep working at it, things will start to fall into place. fix it now, and your relationship will become sooo much smoother. if its not continuosly worked on, it will become an enormous hurtle later in your relationship. Good luck and best wishes!, Tru-Wild ps.post back and tell me how its goin!
yngv Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 You do have the right to speak your mind -- always. But if it disintegrates into a fight then you may want to look at softer ways of breeching the subject. I have started conversations with something like "Honey, I love you very much and want to make this relationship even better" or " there is something I want to talk to you about that I think will help me appreciate you more" basically along the lines of 'we need to talk so we can become stronger together.' Showing you're interested in improving the relationship. Then don't forget to use "I" statements like "I would appreciate you making more time for us to be together" instead of "you don't make time for me". Keep an even calm tone of voice as much as you can and remind her that you are not angry, and not accusing her of anything, just that you have feelings you want to share. Your feelings, however minor, are valid and should be heard. But some people get defensive even when approached gently. Then that is who she is, and you should not take it personally. Especially if it's short lived. If you are consistently calm and loving during discussions, she may ease up her defenses.
justagirliegirl Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 So what are these little things that bother you? When my bf gets on my nerves I just send him home.
organic chemistry Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 You do have the right to speak your mind -- always. But if it disintegrates into a fight then you may want to look at softer ways of breeching the subject. I have started conversations with something like "Honey, I love you very much and want to make this relationship even better" or " there is something I want to talk to you about that I think will help me appreciate you more" basically along the lines of 'we need to talk so we can become stronger together.' Showing you're interested in improving the relationship. But some people get defensive even when approached gently. Then that is who she is, and you should not take it personally. I'm a girl who would get defensive. And get very emotional when I have to tell my bf what's bugging me. Communicating w/bf is hard for me. So I have been avoiding communication. But I have started to realize that my relationship is suffering. Very nice suggestions. I can try too.
Author filarena Posted March 4, 2006 Author Posted March 4, 2006 I am back and forth on this issue constantly. I never responded back to this thread b/c we had a good conversation shortly after and I felt better for a while. But it's up and down, up and down. I know that's how relationships go, so someone tell me if I'm being too sensitive. Here are some of the small things just in the past week which, in and of themselves mean very little, but seem to pile up quite a lot. 1) While talking about a party me and my roomates had last night, I mentioned how strange I find it that all my friends chase after this one girl. My girlfriend got a little upset, b/c she's met the girl and doesn't think she's attractive, but she is thin. Starts saying why is it that all guys care about is how thin a girl is. Then maybe 5 mins later in the conversation mentions that my one friend isn't hot b/c he's too short (he's maybe an inch shorter than me). Also reminds me I'm "not the tallest guy in the world". I've mentioned to her that I feel about as resentful of how girls obsess over height as she does the way guys obsess over weight. I would never ever tell her she's not the thinnest girl in the world. But I hear comments on my height from time to time only to hear her deny that she cares about height. Average height of her ex boyfriend: 6'2". My height: 5'7". 2) I noticed she'd added a few new guys as friends on myspace, only a day after she guilt-tripped me into cutting off all ties with a close female friend of mine she felt jealous of. I ask calmly about these guys. She says she's met them through cousins or friends and felt rude denying their request to be added, but assured me she doesn't talk to them. Okay, fine. Except one of these guys we talked about before and agreed he was hitting on her and I didn't like it. She offers to remove all the guys she doesn't talk to so I'll feel better. Which includes this one guy we'd talked about before. So on the one hand, it was nice of her to get rid of them...but what does this say for her it would have been rude to deny his request, I just won't answer his emails argument about why she added him? Why do I feel like if it's so easy to delete him and not consider that rude, then the real reason she added him is because she never expected me to notice? It's great she does the right thing after I catch her doing things I'm uncomfortable with, but why do I have to notice first? Am I being silly?
blkwithwhitemale Posted March 4, 2006 Posted March 4, 2006 Stay with her she loves you. She does these things to see if you will still love her.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 blkwithwhitemale: one would hope she is more mature than to play games like this to get attention from her boyfriend. filarena: she sounds really insecure. There's nothing you can do about that (because no matter how men try, with all their words, they will never change what a woman thinks of herself), so it may just be an issue of take her or leave her. Or just hope she smartens up a little.
Author filarena Posted March 5, 2006 Author Posted March 5, 2006 Yeah, there's no doubt she loves me, and no doubt she's insecure. If it is take her or leave her, I'll still take her...but I'd sure love to think there's some hope that either over time or through communicating or whatever I can get her to be somewhat more considerate of my feelings.
tikigods Posted March 5, 2006 Posted March 5, 2006 if its something silly like she ...I don't know picks her toes or something like that, then I don't see bringing it up with her, but lets say she hums or wiggles or does something that just drives you up the wall, you have the right to tell her that it does bother you (in a respectful manner) and try to make her more aware of the stuff (maybe those aren't the best examples but you get my point ;D) If she starts to flip out, then tell her that you guys should step back and calm down and then talk about things when its rational again. The point of a relationship is that both people are HAPPY to be around the other one, if thats not the case then you should find it with someone who is like that
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