How To Relate On Both Sides....

[Hurtingtoo]

I have just ended my affair and am in that WITHDRAWL mode. I am trying to get past it and understand why I had the affair to begin with. Therapy sometimes helps....books on the subject are helping as well. (just found marriagebuilders.com) Here is my issue.....

 

While I try to understand my role in this and why I was in the situation, I am also trying to understand the hurt of my spouse. He is still in the back and forth angry mode. Somedays are better than others. I recently highlighed passages in a book on the issues that relate to the "unfaithful one" and how they stood out to me. My husband read it and is in the frame of mind I am not ready to let go of my OM.

 

The first month I was in the I AM NOT LETTING GO of my OM and had back and forth contact. That has finally ended..now I am missing him but I also want to work on my marriage and get past this. How do I show my husband that I am ready to let go, that I want to move on and that I understand his pain..but at the same time deal with my issues with out him thinking I want to be with the other man? How does my husband (or does he) ever understand what I was going through with out feeling the and hurt and anger all over again?

 

UGHHH!

[Mz. Pixie]

Has he been to marriage builders?? That might be a good place for him to start as well.

[OzGirl]

Having been the OW, I now realise why my MM has done what he's done. Maybe this applies to you.

 

Self esteem. I'm guessing the OM made you feel good about yourself, and that's what you miss - how they made you feel.

 

Then you look at your husband, and you're not feeling that way. You're feeling worse now than you probably did at the point in which your affair started.

 

The idea of working on your marriage, in my opinion, is finding that good feeling about yourself again (like you did with the OM), within the confines of your existing relationship with your husband.

 

It's been a hard way to discover this, I'm sure.

 

It starts with you. You have to design, in your head and your heart, the truth about what makes you feel good about yourself. None of this process is easy. You have to blank out the past with both your husband and OM, and say, okay, clean slate - what do I need to give to myself, to others, and receive in return to be happy, confident and satisfied.

 

You then need to discuss these things with your husband. This will help him maybe see that the problems were born a long time ago, and have just not been dealt with until now. Don't pressure him about the marriage, but rather, tell him, you need to work on re-adjusting these thoughts and your behaviour. You want to lose the secrecy and the shame. You realise you will have to earn it back. And, fight to the death to earn it. If you get it, then great. If you don't - then it's a new situation to deal with all together, because if you have worked hard to stop feeling bad about yourself, and have worked VERY hard to involve your husband in that process, and he still doesn't respond well, then you need to look at your marriage and ask if this is good enough for you, too.

 

I'm sure I'll get some backlash from BS's for these comments, but the truth is, you have you set yourself a new standard and sustain it. If your marriage is making you feel you're getting less than you deserve, then work on it, and if it's still not good enough - leave it.

 

There is no reason, despite what's happened, for anyone to lower their own self-esteem. It's because it was low that you got in this mess. The way to clean it up is not to lower it again.

 

This is a realisation I've had in the last 24 hours. It applies to OW, OM, and BS's.

 

It starts with you. Expect opposition from those close to you - they will notice an adjustment in you, and mightn't like it because you are "comfortable" for them the way you are. Be wise that this is about them, not you.

 

It's sounds like you have a long and complex road ahead of you. If the result is something real, natural, good and true, then it's better than the situation you were in when this started, whilst it was happening, and now that's it's over and vulnerable.

 

For that reason, I think it's worth the enormous effort and fight to have.

 

It starts with you.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but there is no way you can understand your Husband's pain. There is no way for you to comprehend the magnitude of his pain and feelings of betrayal and humiliation that you have inflicted on him until you have experienced it yourself. Telling him you understand his pain trivializes his pain. It is tantamount of having one mother who has never lost a child telling another mother that has recently lost her child that she understands her pain. It truely is an insulting comment. I know that you do not mean it as such but I could see how hurtful your husband could perceive such a comment that you understand his pain unless you have experienced it first hand from him previously.

[Chump64]

Hurting, I am in the exact same 'place' as your husband. Some days are good, many are not. You simply can't understand your husband's pain. To be blunt, you need to get that through your head. Your husband is dying inside b/c the person who he thought loved him most in the whole world has sh*t all over him. You won't understand that unless you go through it.

 

It sounds like you are losing patience with him. That's a typical reaction of a cheating spouse who is unable to empathize / unable to face the devastation that s/he has wrought. It could also be a sign that you are not truly committed to staying in the marriage. It's good that you want to work on your marriage and "get past it." But you are on HIS timetable now. Most violated marriages take at least two years to recover from, if recovery is possible at all.

 

This is no time to be selfish and impatient because you are in the hot seat and you are tired of answering questions, hearing him obsess, seeing him hurt, etc. You should have foreseen that fallout while you were messing around. If you truly love him and want to stay with him, you will put up with a lot of 'bad' days.

 

H*ll, I've told my husband that I may have bad days for 10 years (that's as long as his affair lasted), and that he may be better off leaving.

[Ladyjane14]

How do I show my husband that I am ready to let go, that I want to move on and that I understand his pain..but at the same time deal with my issues with out him thinking I want to be with the other man? How does my husband (or does he) ever understand what I was going through with out feeling the and hurt and anger all over again?

 

I think what you're hoping to do here is to communicate with your husband in terms of understanding YOU. You want him to understand the reasons why you did what you did, and to then have patience with the process of withdrawal that you're going through now. Is that right?

 

If so, it's going to be a problematic undertaking....because he's already overburdened with his own emotional pain. You might be asking more of him than he's capable of giving just now.

 

Of course, it VERY important that you get to the bottom of your issues. I think OzGirl had a significant point when she advised you to examine your self-esteem. The affair partner tends to make a WS feel pretty good about themselves in a way that was often lacking before the affair. It's something to think about.

 

And you do want to share whatever information you glean from this kind self-discovery with your husband. It will help to reassure him that you're NEVER going to cheat on him again...because you have changed the mind-set that allowed it to begin with.

 

But I'm concerned that you may be seriously underestimating the internal level of damage to your husband.

 

This is going to sound gender-biased...and I'm sorry about that, because I would never want to minimize the pain of betrayed wives:o , but....female infidelity is a little different, not necessarily worse, mind you...but different. You've messed with something fairly primal in a man.

 

Men are under the influence of not only societal pressure, but also the demands of their own biology. With higher rates of testosterone, they're naturally given to a greater amount of sexual urgency. That includes mental imagery, which is often quite vivid.

 

What that means to you, is that he's more likely to have unbidden, and quite graphic, mental imagery in association with YOU and your affair partner. So, at any given time he's likely to be 'triggered' with these freefloating thoughts.

 

Men are also hard-wired to protect what they consider to be theirs. We can argue all day long about the "ownership" of people and how it's wrong...but that doesn't change the fact that he considers you to be HIS wife. It's built-in from the stone age. Hearth and home must be aggressively defended from potential invaders. That's why the usual first instinct of a betrayed husband is the urge to go and kick the other guy's ass.

 

Not to say that women don't feel the same urge at times....but in men, it's often strong and protracted. Sometimes...they fight that urge for YEARS.

 

I think it's admirable that you want to get to the bottom of your issues. And I really do think it's necessary too. But don't forget for even one minute that you've got a wounded male animal on your hands. You'll lose him altogether if you do.

 

It might help you to read through some threads here from betrayed husbands. I haven't quite put my finger on what specifically is different for them in the healing process. Although, I've noticed a slightly greater frequency in their need to SEE remorse and regret in their partner. What that equates to really, is that they tend to need a profuse amount of reassurance.

 

All in all, I think my best advice to you would be to concentrate more attention on the recovery of your husband, and allow the journey to self-discovery to follow along at it's own pace. It'll come, be assured. Because as you focus on the rebuilding of the marriage from the foundation and up, the previous defects in the dynamics of the relationship will become readily apparent to you.

[ThumbingMyWay]

This is going to sound gender-biased...and I'm sorry about that, because I would never want to minimize the pain of betrayed wives:o , but....female infidelity is a little different, not necessarily worse, mind you...but different. You've messed with something fairly primal in a man.

 

Men are under the influence of not only societal pressure, but also the demands of their own biology. With higher rates of testosterone, they're naturally given to a greater amount of sexual urgency. That includes mental imagery, which is often quite vivid.

 

What that means to you, is that he's more likely to have unbidden, and quite graphic, mental imagery in association with YOU and your affair partner. So, at any given time he's likely to be 'triggered' with these freefloating thoughts.

 

Men are also hard-wired to protect what they consider to be theirs. We can argue all day long about the "ownership" of people and how it's wrong...but that doesn't change the fact that he considers you to be HIS wife. It's built-in from the stone age. Hearth and home must be aggressively defended from potential invaders. That's why the usual first instinct of a betrayed husband is the urge to go and kick the other guy's ass.

 

Not to say that women don't feel the same urge at times....but in men, it's often strong and protracted. Sometimes...they fight that urge for YEARS.

 

 

I haven't quite put my finger on what specifically is different for them in the healing process..........What that equates to really, is that they tend to need a profuse amount of reassurance.

 

 

 

LadyJ

 

you nailed this one. COMPLETELY agree.

 

 

one day I am going to make a "LADYJ speaks the truth about men" thread and copy all your best advice....

[Hurtingtoo]

Thank you everyone..I don't mean to down play his pain..I am trying to put my place in his shoes as well. Yes alot of my affair was based on self esteem issues and I am working on that as well with the therapist. I do not want to hurt my husband anymore than I have and I am looking inside me to find out what made me do what I did. I am going back and reading the threads of the hurt spouse (male side) so that I can perhaps empathize. I am not trying to even remotely downplay his own pain and get him to understand mine. We both have pain and we both have to work through it.

 

I printed out things from marriagebuilders last night and we are both looking at them.

 

 

I do not mean to relay that I am losing patience..I am guess more frustrated with what we are both going through and we both are miscommunicating what we are trying to say.

 

Ozgirl..you summed it up for me..very well.

[greenshift]

Be prepared to spend a LOT, and I mean A LOT of time answering the same questions, apologizing for the same thing over and over, and dealing with bad moods that appear to come out of nowhere.

 

Remember: Right now, he is NOT rational, and you can't expect him to be. He's hurt, and unless you've been the betrayed, you have no idea how much. I still get mental flashes of my ex with the various guys she was sleeping with. It happens even on my best days, and I'm not even talking to her! Even before the divorce, every time I saw her I couldn't help but think about every single minute when she had been late, or unaccounted for, and what she was probably doing.

 

You're going to get impatient with this - that's okay. But you MUST NOT let him see that, and you must not fight back. That's the price you have to pay.

[Hurtingtoo]

Thank you everyone for your help. Today is much better than last night..again this is all the start of our healing process and I am just at a loss as what to go with. I do believe we can address these issues with help and continued support. I know that since I am the guilty party in the affair that I DESERVE the anger toward me. I do believe since I am starting to go through the guilt by having him understand is my way of absolving it in my own mind.

 

Thank god for Therapy.

 

Thanks all.

[whichwayisup]

Do a search on DazednConfused. His wife cheated on him and he has a thread called Wife made stupid mistake. Maybe reading his thread, getting inside his head and seeing what others wrote may help you. He certainly went through a long process and shared many thoughts, which could help you and your husband. Print it out as it is quite long. Worth the read though.

 

You've been given some wonderful advice by so many on your thread, so I hope it helps alot too!

 

Good luck.

[Sup?]

Thank you everyone..I don't mean to down play his pain..I am trying to put my place in his shoes as well. Yes alot of my affair was based on self esteem issues and I am working on that as well with the therapist. I do not want to hurt my husband anymore than I have and I am looking inside me to find out what made me do what I did. I am going back and reading the threads of the hurt spouse (male side) so that I can perhaps empathize. I am not trying to even remotely downplay his own pain and get him to understand mine. We both have pain and we both have to work through it.

 

I printed out things from marriagebuilders last night and we are both looking at them.

 

 

I do not mean to relay that I am losing patience..I am guess more frustrated with what we are both going through and we both are miscommunicating what we are trying to say.

 

Ozgirl..you summed it up for me..very well.

No offense, but I feel you don't have a right to be frustrated, or losing patience. I mean you're the one who caused this.

[greenshift]

No offense, but I feel you don't have a right to be frustrated, or losing patience. I mean you're the one who caused this.

 

You're right - she doesn't. But, we can't control how we feel, only what we do. It's natural for her to feel frustrated - they've both been through something huge, regardless of who caused it, and now she's dealing with the aftermath and probably just wishes things were better.

 

So, of course, she feels frustrated. I'm reminded of that line in When Harry Met Sally, "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right now."

 

She's trying to fix the problem. It's normal to be impatient with the betrayed spouse's mood swings and irrational behavior. It's also important to realize that he is entitled to be irrational. If he was calm and collected, I'd question how committed he was to the relationship.

 

She screwed up. She's trying to do the right thing. It's not easy, for anyone. More so for him, I know, but it's going to take a lot of patience on both sides if there is any chance of fixing this.

 

Hang in there.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

OzGirl,

you summed up my situation very well. My husband makes me feel invisible. He doesn't put me down, but he doesn't hear a thing I say - to the point of interruting me with a completely off topic subject while I am talking. He doesn't notice a thing I do for him and the kids. So after years of this, I guess, I stopped paying attention to myself, too.

My OM woke me up from a very, very long foggy sleep. I realize that I am attractive once again. It is my husband who is unattractive... ugh.

[Ladyjane14]

...one day I am going to make a "LADYJ speaks the truth about men" thread and copy all your best advice....

 

You crack me up, TMW! Look...I'm blushing here.

[Ladyjane14]

OzGirl,

you summed up my situation very well. My husband makes me feel invisible. He doesn't put me down, but he doesn't hear a thing I say - to the point of interruting me with a completely off topic subject while I am talking. He doesn't notice a thing I do for him and the kids. So after years of this, I guess, I stopped paying attention to myself, too.

My OM woke me up from a very, very long foggy sleep. I realize that I am attractive once again. It is my husband who is unattractive... ugh.

 

If that's REALLY how you feel, then why are you staying with him KHLF?

 

You know, no one knows your situation but you. But I have to tell you, sometimes these things are a matter of perception rather than truth. It's possible that you are truly being ignored in the relationship, but from here...I can tell you that it's equally possible that you might just feel ignored.

 

In my own situation, the feelings that I perceived as emanating from my husband were NOT indicative of his true feelings. I perceived that he didn't love me, I believed that he didn't care. I was later proved to be wrong. I had been fooled by my own translation of his words and actions. I examined them through the obscured view of my own emotions. I was putting words into his mouth.

 

It wasn't until we had clarified our means of communication that I was able to see that I was twisting the meaning of his words and actions to suit my own insecurities. I felt like I needed some defense. If I was angry and resentful, and feeling RIGHTEOUS in my indignation....well, that's a pretty good suit of armor.

 

You've got choices to make, KHLF. You can choose to love your husband. You can choose to find him attractive. You can choose to give 100% to your marriage. ....Or you can choose to end the marriage and move on. You won't find any contentment in the void between these choices.

[greenshift]

OzGirl,

you summed up my situation very well. My husband makes me feel invisible. He doesn't put me down, but he doesn't hear a thing I say - to the point of interruting me with a completely off topic subject while I am talking. He doesn't notice a thing I do for him and the kids. So after years of this, I guess, I stopped paying attention to myself, too.

My OM woke me up from a very, very long foggy sleep. I realize that I am attractive once again. It is my husband who is unattractive... ugh.

 

 

Okay, so we've determined one thing: you're husband isn't paying attention.

 

Your job in this situation is to MAKE him pay attention. Scream, rent a blimp, set the house on fire (not literally,please), but do SOMETHING to get his attention and let him know how dire the situation is. And, at the risk of being rude, screwing someone else is NOT the way to fix your marriage.

 

If you're done with it, why are you still with him? Security? No matter how dull things are, you owe him more than that. He's your husband. Of course the OM makes you feel good - he's new, you've probably never had a fight (because you don't have a real relationship), and that' snot a fair comparison.

 

I know we say this over and over, but if you are even remotely interested in staying with your husband, go to counselling. If not, do both yourselves a favor and get out, and stop lying to him. It's not right, and if you knew what those of us on the wrong side of an affair go through, you wouldn't think of doing it to someone you care about.

 

Thus concludes my rant.

[Hurtingtoo]

the thing is....the feelings you have for the OM is an "illusion" (forgive my spelling errors at times) I felt something for this other person that I thought was lost in my own marriage. Indeed it wasn't lost, just misplaced and partly in my own mind. My husband felt a loss and didn't communicate, just got mad, I felt a loss and didn't communicate...chose to shut down and allow my self to be open to someone else. Now I am paying that price, and will pay everyday.....but intime I know that we will work through this. We are both learning how to recommunicate what we need and be realistic about it.

 

I do appreciate all the advise and threads that I am reading...thanks again.