WeaknPowerless Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I just got an email from my mom. She said that my ex had emailed her, and I replied back wondering if she had anything to say. She said that she was really busy, but she has been out of town because her dad now has cancer. I was very close to her family, particularily her dad. I have no idea what to do. It's an effort to not talk to her day to day as is, but I'm not sure where I stand or what I should do. I still have a lot of anger because of some issues with the breakup but I guess the right thing to do is get over it now. She never contacted me to tell me, she wrote my mom. I talk to her mom because I do work for their company still, and there had been no mention of it. I'm so confused.
skeptik224 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I'd almost venture to say that she contacted your mom because she knows your mom will let you know. I don't know the whole history behind your break-up, but I do know that it'd be easy - in this situation - for you to fall into the "helper" position. You do not want her to be leaning on you because there isn't anyone else. You have to make sure you don't become the emotional sounding board - IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT. I say send a very short e-mail just saying sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts are with you. ..... and that's it.
fooled Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I would not contact your ex, as she did not contact you. If your mom wants to send a card or something - and since you are acquainted with her dad, have your mom send it from the both of you.
OPTIPESSIMISTIC Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Don't call her. This is just one of those situations that can make people feel all lonely and needy, and wanting to get back with their ex, when they really arent thinking and they really dont want to. You know her parents, so you can talk to them and send them a card or flowers or something, but you dont need to do it through her. Be careful, don't let your guilt get the best of you.
luvtoto Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Quote: "but I'm not sure where I stand..." Are you wondering where you stand with her, and her feelings towards you? If you start thinking that way, you are gonna get sucked in again. But, then again, her father has cancer. Gosh...I would be torn, too.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 She definately wrote my mom so I would know. I just don't know if she refuses to talk to me, or if it's because I have stopped, she is respecting the boundaries. Either way, we have history together and something in me is saying the right thing to do is a few words of support. This is something I drafted and have yet to send: Hi, I just talked with my mom. It broke my heart when I heard the news. Your dad is one of the strongest people I have ever met. He’ll fight anything and this will be no different. Keep your head up and stay strong for him. Please let him know I am thinking about him and that I send all my support and best wishes. Take care, Me
UT_longhorn Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 WNP. I think your letter is excellent. I mean, yes...she may have broken your heart, but she is in a position where she could loose her father. I think you should try your best to separate the relationship vs this situation. I don't know all the particulars of how things ended between you two, but as a human being, having compassion for her and her father is definately ok. some words of encouragement from you is respectful and dignified.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 I sent the letter. Although she hasn't written back, I'm not particularily upset with that (although I have to say for an hour or so, I was. But I expected it to some degree). I said my piece. Kept it short and had no references to us. If she writes back or not, my stance is to not engage into any sort of dialogue. I wish I was there to comfort her and be the guy she could lean on, but I'm not, and it's too easy to focus on that and become sad, so I'm trying to refuse that avenue. This situation is unfortunate of course for her entire family, and unfortunate for me and her with our problems. But it's something I felt I couldn't ignore.
Author WeaknPowerless Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 For the record, I got a reply. It was short, just nice and not much more. I'm fine with it, but with NC you get used to the last things written from your ex (minus the argueing emails) to be the ones saying "I love you" etc...so not seeing those type of words can be hard. Although you know it's coming, its still odd/weird/hurtful to see. I don't regret the email under the circumstances, but I can't help feel a bit of regret and failure again about losing her, but it's not something that is going to linger. The reasons for the contact far outweigh my personal problems with things. My head AND heart is accepting this right now. But it is a HUGE reminder to remain under NC. I can see how giant of a tease this could end up being. To slowly start writing. I almost wish she was like other women (and men) who crack and want to talk and all that. She is very strong in her ways and there is zero chance she wants me to be her shoulder. I guess that's a good thing in the long run, although it makes me feel weak thinking about her. Such a catch-22. I don't want to get run down talking to her but I wish she was weak like me sometimes. Good for her being strong though. She needs to right now.
mablung Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 You're not weak, Weaknpowerless (ok, ok, despite your nickname ). And no matter how strong they are, everybody needs someone to take care of them every now and then. Don't worry, it's never easy for either of the two people involved, so it's not too easy for her, either. You both need to be strong to get over this, one way or the other. Good luck!
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