lvlyway Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I found my MM OW email address. He doesnt know that I know. Here is the question for the OW, should I email her and ask her NOT to tell my husband but for her to talk to me woman to woman. I want to ask her if she did sleep with my husband or if they really were just good friends. What was the relationship. As a married woman, shouldnt she understand? I want to ask her if he has stopped no contact with her, or if they are still talking. If they are still talking, I just want to know because I want out of the mariage, she can have him (she is married too). I dont want to look like a fool, but I want to know and I tend to think sometimes women are honest, sometimes. If it is over, whatever it was, can she tell me what i can do to improve my marriage? After all, she knows what is going on, and what he has said to her. I dont want to yell, I want to honestly talk to her, I just want truth. As the OW how would you handle an email from the wife? Would you or wouldnt write back, be honest, or tell the husband? What do yo guys think? The biggest one I guess is would you tell the husband? I dont want her to send it to him or anything.
scarletletter Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I definately would not do that. I think that no matter what you say to her she will tell your husband that you wrote her. Just my opinion, but I know that I would tell him.
MrsHellFire Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Maybe you should wait until the relationship is truly broken off with the OW before you send an email. But of course, you'll never know if in fact it is or not..
mopar crazy Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I found my MM OW email address. He doesnt know that I know. Here is the question for the OW, should I email her and ask her NOT to tell my husband but for her to talk to me woman to woman. I want to ask her if she did sleep with my husband or if they really were just good friends. What was the relationship. As a married woman, shouldnt she understand? I want to ask her if he has stopped no contact with her, or if they are still talking. If they are still talking, I just want to know because I want out of the mariage, she can have him (she is married too). I dont want to look like a fool, but I want to know and I tend to think sometimes women are honest, sometimes. If it is over, whatever it was, can she tell me what i can do to improve my marriage? After all, she knows what is going on, and what he has said to her. I dont want to yell, I want to honestly talk to her, I just want truth. As the OW how would you handle an email from the wife? Would you or wouldnt write back, be honest, or tell the husband? What do yo guys think? The biggest one I guess is would you tell the husband? I dont want her to send it to him or anything. I wouldn't bother waisting your time, but would keep your eyes open if you think there is still something going on. I don't think she would tell you the truth if they were still having an A. And I surely wouldn't ask her how you can improve your M. That would probably be extremely humorous for her. She, as the OW, is giving YOU, her MM's W advice. She is the last person you should ask advice from, IMO. If you want to work on your M I would go to MC. My H exOW tried giving me material advice b4 I found out she was having an A w/ him. Here she is giving asking me if I still love H, do I get butterflies when he holds my hand, s*** like that and all along she was persuing him REALLY hard. What a #$@#*%$ $@!%& !!!!!!! Sorry you are dealing w/ all this, it's hard. GL and I hope things get better for you.
scarletletter Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I agree with mopar...if you ask her how to improve your marriage she is going to think you are pathetic. You should appear to be strong. I wouldn't make any moves right now unless you continue to suspect. Don't give her the satisfaction of asking her those things....really!
silktricks Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I'll just join the club here - there's no way that I'd send an e-mail to the OW as you are thinking. She wants/has wanted your husband. Don't expect honesty and friendship from her. I had considered the same thing at one time (not the asking for advice, but the asking questions to see if their answers jibed), but realized that 1. she probably wouldn't answer 2. if she did, she probably wouldn't tell the truth 3. if she did tell the truth I probably wouldn't believe her if it differed from what my husband said. 4. if I did believe what she said instead of what my husband said, that my marriage was over. Since that wasn't what I wanted, it would be counter-productive to contact her.
My_Other_I Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I wouldn't. She has feelings for your hubby, not you. She will tell him right away. If they are still involved, your email would not serve any other purpose except for them becoming more careful. Gather your evidence and confront him when you have enough. You have an advantage of him not knowing that you know. Use it.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 By emailing her, you are giving her POWER and KNOWLEDGE of your marriage and most of all your husband. DO NOT bother. If you want to make an impact, you tell your husband you are going to email her, with his blessing - and TOGETHER do an email telling her NEVER to contact your husband again and if she does you will tell HER HUSBAND. Question, I take it her spouse doesn't know about the affair? And, why would she tell you the truth? She is lying to her own husband, why would she be 100% upfront and honest with you?
lovernotafighter Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 she has to be kidding,right? please by no means write the OW...all it will do is prolong your pain...trust me you really don't want to know what the OW and your H actually were doing..believe that.
newbby Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 the answer to your question really depends on so many things. at what stage they are in the relationship, whether she has become disillusioned or not, whether he has made empty promises or not, how much guilt she feels, how much loyalty to your h she feels. what picture she has of you, from your h. also her own marriage, where she is in that. it also depends on her own agenda. even aside from all of those, and more altruistically, she may feel it really doesnt serve you to know, and that the whole situation is better just left alone. she may not trust that you are only wanting the information for your personal decision on whether to leave your h or not, and think that you are using it to seek revenge on her. she may even feel protective of her own marriage. there are many factors that would prevent total honesty, even if she were usually an honest person, and even if she has compassion for you. it also depends very much on the personality of the particular ow your h is seeing. nobody here knows her, what she is like, how she would react etc, and i doubt you do too. so with all that said, i think emailing her is quite a risk to take. even if at the time you found her honest, you may walk away and begin doubting her words. could you really trust her? so what is left? i gather from what you have said, that your h had an a, but now says it is over and he has nc, but that you suspect otherwise. you are also questioning the details he has told you of the a, he has obviously said that he did not sleep with her. now you are left in the difficult position of taking him on his word and staying with him, but you dont want him taking you for a fool either, and want to know exactly what you are dealing with. so can you trust him, has he given you reason to trust him? has he reassured you? perhaps the best thing to do is to leave him for a time. really make him sweat and show him what he risks losing if he continues the a. what do other ex bw's suggest?
RubixCube28 Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I' m verry sorry to hear about your situation It must be really hard to be put in that place..But I have been reading some of the OW MM posts lately..And I cant help but think that these type of people are not intrested in helping your marrage heal or sucseed.. There main goal most of the time I would think.. Is for you and your husband to break up so they can move on in.. They don't see or care that what they are doing is hurtfull to others.. So I woulden't bother sending her a email she prob wouldent reply.. Or if she did it prob woulden't be productive to saveing your marrage.. I woulden't be so afraid of your husband finding out.. You know what he's been up too eather my advice is.. Confront him with what ever you have that can prove the cheeting..And then based on how he reacts decide if the relashionship is worth saveing....Best wishes to you hope it all works out ok...
lovernotafighter Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I' m verry sorry to hear about your situation It must be really hard to be put in that place..But I have been reading some of the OW MM posts lately..And I cant help but think that these type of people are not intrested in helping your marrage heal or sucseed.. There main goal most of the time I would think.. Is for you and your husband to break up so they can move on in.. They don't see or care that what they are doing is hurtfull to others.. So I woulden't bother sending her a email she prob wouldent reply.. Or if she did it prob woulden't be productive to saveing your marrage.. I woulden't be so afraid of your husband finding out.. You know what he's been up too eather my advice is.. Confront him with what ever you have that can prove the cheeting..And then based on how he reacts decide if the relashionship is worth saveing....Best wishes to you hope it all works out ok... well I can asure lvlyway I'm not a OW on the take...I'm not trying to see my MM's marriage break up at all infact we have tried NC and talk of meanding his marrige all the time..he's the one who won't hear of it truthfully. I deeply care what we did will hurt our spouses it's the last thing I want from my A. so from my point of view..if I received the letter from my MM w I would respond compassionately but i don't believe I'd tell her everything she wants to know..I really think it would hurt her more than she realises
Adunaphel Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 If the affair was ended by the OW because she was feeling guilty because of either you or her own husband, then I think she might be on your side. (don't ask her how you could improve your marriage, though. She is the *very last* person who could give you advice about it, even if she wished to.) In any other case, it is very likely that she'd tell him about the email. If they are still talking, I just want to know because I want out of the mariage, she can have him (she is married too). If she is still interested in your husband, the "if he is still seeing you, you can have him" would be useless, unless the OW is really stupid. If she told you he's still in touch with her, your H would probably never want to see her again, since he's hold her responsible for the end of your marriage. Also, if the affair is ended and the OW is still bitter about it, she might lie in hope to damage your marriage.
RubixCube28 Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I give you credit then uni for actualy not just thinking about your self.. And not giveing any other thought to who else might get hurt..Nice to see for a change..
Sami_D Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I found my MM OW email address. He doesnt know that I know. Here is the question for the OW, should I email her and ask her NOT to tell my husband but for her to talk to me woman to woman. I want to ask her if she did sleep with my husband or if they really were just good friends. What was the relationship. As a married woman, shouldnt she understand? I want to ask her if he has stopped no contact with her, or if they are still talking. If they are still talking, I just want to know because I want out of the mariage, she can have him (she is married too). I dont want to look like a fool, but I want to know and I tend to think sometimes women are honest, sometimes. If it is over, whatever it was, can she tell me what i can do to improve my marriage? After all, she knows what is going on, and what he has said to her. I dont want to yell, I want to honestly talk to her, I just want truth. As the OW how would you handle an email from the wife? Would you or wouldnt write back, be honest, or tell the husband? What do yo guys think? The biggest one I guess is would you tell the husband? I dont want her to send it to him or anything. All of this depends on so much, and mainly... it depends on what HE told her... she may still be under the influence of his lies (if he lied) or she may just hate him and want to mess his life up. Either way ~ why would she help you..? Would you help her with something..? When it comes down to it... the only person who can tell you what HE wants... is your husband... And you know, as his Wife... you are in a really strong position to get him to tell you what that is... and to make it work. I wish you well.
CeeJayXXX Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I was in a relation with a man who was living with someone (not married but I knew it wouldn't be long before they did get married).... He moved out of their house and into his own place, to be with me (I was single and lived on my own). GF found out about us (through some fluke comment - and she figured it out)....She called me and flipped (obviously).... I was the most vain person and fed off of her anger and upset.... She called me a day later and wanted to talk to me face to face....She wanted to know the "what did I do wrong, what does he want from you" scenario....So I told her about us.... We both went to his new place (together)...She went in first....about 5 minutes later I proceeded.... I walked in on a conversation that I was the liar, I was completely making it all up ...etc....I stepped into the room...and he stopped talking.... When the GF and I returned to my apartment, there was a message on the phone (from him).... he missed me, he didnt want to stay with her....blah blah blah....GF heard it all.... Moral of my long story...... the possibility of you getting cooperation from the OW may not be possible....she may feed off of your pain and hurt you more....What information could she possibly offer you.....(In all reality...she knows him for brief times of the day or evening....not what his bad days or sick days are like.) Hope this is of some help. (By the way....the GF and BF in my story did move on to get married....we stopped speaking very soon after the three way meeting...I have seen him around since all this and have been told he would take me back in a second....hmmm....no thanks!)
lovernotafighter Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I give you credit then uni for actualy not just thinking about your self.. And not giveing any other thought to who else might get hurt..Nice to see for a change..thank you. I'm being truthful..it's just so hard to leave the situation..we try to be friends but that hasn't worked out either,we know whats best it's just the doing it thats the problem
Butterflying Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 I will say don't call the OW. It won't do any good. She may lie to you. It could make things worse because no matter what she says, you will still have doubts.
elmejor Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 This is the communications age, but emailing between W and OW cannot help anyone. Others have mentioned in other threads the fact that a H is free to claim he has gone NC, ended the A etc...but there really is no way to tell if this is true, because 1) They all say they are ending the A when their spouse finds out, even going so far as to attend MC sessions while continuing the A, because 2) People can have any number of email addresses, $100 gizmos that let them communicate without the spouse ever knowing, prepaid phones, etc. etc. Confronting the suspected OW may escalate the suspected affair. If it were me, I'd probably go find OM to carry on with, and I'm probably "wrong" in many people's eyes, but marriage is difficult and frustrating and (imo) spouses expect far too much of marriage.
Meaplus3 Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I' m verry sorry to hear about your situation It must be really hard to be put in that place..But I have been reading some of the OW MM posts lately..And I cant help but think that these type of people are not intrested in helping your marrage heal or sucseed.. There main goal most of the time I would think.. Is for you and your husband to break up so they can move on in.. They don't see or care that what they are doing is hurtfull to others.. So I woulden't bother sending her a email she prob wouldent reply.. Or if she did it prob woulden't be productive to saveing your marrage.. I woulden't be so afraid of your husband finding out.. You know what he's been up too eather my advice is.. Confront him with what ever you have that can prove the cheeting..And then based on how he reacts decide if the relashionship is worth saveing....Best wishes to you hope it all works out ok... I agree with RubixCube28 that sending an email would probably not be very productive. I would confront your H with any proof you have of the cheating. Good luck. I hope this turns out well for you.
kkat Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I am sorry for your pain and for your situation. As an ex-OW, I implore you not to email the OW. She will most likely tell your H, whether she is in active contact with him or not, and this is going to somehow put you on the defensive with him. If she is NOT in contact with him anymore, this is a perfect excuse for her to get back into contact with him, and suddenly then they are allies in the triangle... Don't do it! If you want her out of your marriage, put your foot down with him and take the power. Don't give him or her the power, take it and keep it. Good luck to you!
RecordProducer Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I strongly recommend not to contact the OW. She may: 1. Lie to you; 2. Tell your husband; 3. Use the occasion to hurt you or even see it as a chance to get back with your husband. 4. All of the above (most likely). You have no reason whatsoever to trust her in any sense. The OW is not your friend and don't expect any sympathy from her. If I were you, I would tell my husband that I don't trust him anymore and that our mutual objective should be to re-build your trust in him. I would ask for the whole truth, no matter how painful it is, because once it's been spilled out, the trust can be re-build. And only when you gain trust again, you can precede with your marriage and work on solving the problems. You must feel that he is telling you the truth and he must give you all his email/messenger accounts and passwords, phone bills, etc. You must have access to all of his communication tools. If he is reluctant to share them, let him know that it's a proof that he is messing around. Let him know that if you can't trust him, you can't be with him. And if he doesn't gain your trust back, you will walk away without thinking twice. Throw the ball in his court and let him decide on how to re-earn your trust. The first time he had your trust by default, now he needs to work hard to re-gain it.
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